Anyone with an Alcoholic Partner?

[vixy0007]

I have been with my DP for a year, we live together with my DS who is 3. In November last year he went through detox for alcoholisum an had done really well not having a drink, until new years eve. He said he felt confident enough to be able to have a drink and then stop. He got very drunk an since then has been drinking, not evey day but more than he should, in the last 10 days he has drunk for 6 of them. Does anyone have any tips on how to help him get back on track before he falls back into old habits? He is already being seen by Aquarius.

vixy I don't know, my alcoholic partner finally left about this time last year as he wouldn't admit his problem or get help at all and I had simply had enough of me and the kids always coming second. I think it must be a good sign that yours HAS admitted he needs help. As I am sure you know the only one who can do it (give up) is he himself. Make sure you remind him of this and don't take on the full burden or responsibility for his giving up yourself. long term you need to decide if you want to stay with a man who puts booze first. I see you've been with him a year and he isn't the father of your DD. In that case I think (with the benefit of hindsight of 17 years with an alcoholic who ultimately wouldn't put us first) I'd be seriously thinking about leaving. Good luck.

Hi Vixy,I'm afraid I'm with Hilda. Why put yourself through this for a year long relationship?

I spent years trying to keep my ex "on track" before realising that only he can do that.

Run for the hills before you invest more time with him

I suppose the reason im still with him is, an i know how it sounds, because I love him. He adores my son, and is brilliant with him, my son adores him, I banned alcohol from the house because i didnt want him growing up thinking its normal. He really is trying, an he was doing so well until recently. I have great support from his family too, im just stuck for ideas to keep him busy. We joined a gym which went well untill he tore some muscle or something in his shoulder! I've already had him re-decorating the house ( silver lining an all that) Its hard to get accross how much he doesnt want o be drinking, i've been there and watch him drink a can with tears falling down his face. I know he can do it, an hes such a wondeful man its heartbreaking to have to sit there and watch him drink himself to an early grave.

You can't do it for him, you can't push him into stopping and it's a hiding to nothing waiting for him to see the light unless you enjoy putting yourself through the agony of watching someone you love hurt themselves.

I waiting more than 8 years for my ex to stop drinking, honestly my head was utterly wrecked by the time I left him.

Decide what's best for you and your son. Your DP is an adult who has to make his own choices.

Horrible situation isn't it? I truly feel for you.

Alcoholics often relapse a time or to before being able to stop completely, and yours is at least getting help. However, all the help in the world isn;t necessarily going to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop if he decides not to.
I would advocate throwing him out TBH. You've been with him a year and he's been a pisshead for 9 months of it. How 'wonderful' is he when he's throwing up on the carpet, wetting himself, shambling around talking rubbish? And how wonderful is he with a hangover?

The thing is Vixy, he may get better and you may live happily ever after but the far more likely scenario is that you will live with these relapses for years and years until you reach rock bottom. Having been through that I wouldn't want anyone to follow that path, still less for someone they have been with for only one year and who is not the father of their child.

vixy

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I hope you are not out to rescue and or save this man from his own self here because it won't work.

You may love him but he loves alcohol more than you and your child and you will always come a dim and distant second. Your son would adore this man, well any father figure actually, even though he is a drunkard. He cannot drink at all and made a common mistake in thinking he could drink alcohol again.

Relapses are common and he may well continue to relapse for years to come. You have been with him a year, this is not going to get any better for you.

I would suggest that you contact Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT Control this
You CANNOT cure this

Alcoholism is a family disease; it is not just the alcoholic who is affected here. You are caught up in this too as well as your child. By being with this man you are normalising this situation for both you and your child.

Vixy - don't waste any more of your life waiting for him to stop. The fact is he probably won't and the longer you stay with him the more he will drag you and your ds down. I was with an alcoholic for 5 years and it destroys everything and your ds will suffer, you can't shield him from this.
You can't make him stop, if he really wants to he should go to AA or his GP and seriously try to get help for himself and I'm afraid that the fact that he hasn't done this yet just proves that he doesn't really want to stop.
Maybe by leaving him you will make him reach his ultimate rock bottom and he might get help then but its a long shot.

sorry but hes already fell right back into bad habits, i learned the hard way you cant help someone like that.

its not fair on your son ,tell him straight sober up or get out

you could always ask him to move out, if he really is "the one" for you (not that I have much truck with that but some do) then he'll get his act together and can prove to you he is serious over a lengthy period of time. You might quite like not living with an alcoholic (I DO, its FAB - and I was very scared I was making the wrong decision when I asked my xH to leave)and realise what a difference it makes. It's not really fair on your child. Apart from anything else this is taking up so much of your emotional energy. And you know what, it doesn't need to.

Thanks for all your advice, he already knows that if it gets o how it was before hes out, he hasnt gone back to his old habits as yet. He had been drinking from the age of 15, an by drinking i mean 20+ cans per day. He would wake up in the morning an stat from there. When he does have a drink now its 4 cans in the evening, im just worried about it getting back to how it was an was looking for tips on keeping him from getting bored, when he did his home detox the nurse hat came out said it was proven that keeping busy helps a lot. My son sees none of this, my partner isnt what some people would assume an alcoholic is like 'frank from shameless', he had been dinking so much for so long it didnt affect him anymore, no hangover, no sickness etc. He goes to AA meetings, has been on tablets through the detox an he is trying so i dont think walking out on him is the best thing, not that i want too either, but i dont think that would help. We've joined the gym, an redecorated an now he has re-started up a local football team which he did years ago to keep him busy weekends when he's not woring. Just looking for things we could do in the evenings to keep occupied?

Get rid of him. Do not do this to yourself or more importantly your child. Jesus you have only been with this man for a year! and look at all the headspace this is taking up, headspace that should be used for your CHILD!

I am sorry to be blunt but my ex H was/is an alcoholic, he is a good looking, successful, funny man, alongside being an alcoholic, ea wanker that is and everytime I see him I can see him looking worse and worse, pasty and ill, he is losing everything bit by bit and he absolutely will not stop drinking despite knowing how much he has already lost. I had to get my children away from that, I could not allow them to grow up like that. You are making your child grow up like that though for someone who is not even his dad!

Whatever you think this IS affecting your child, how can it not, this man is obsessed with alcohol and it appears you are obsessed with him and making sure he doesn't drink it.

Frankly from what I have read on this thread I think this situation is hopeless. Sorry but I do.

What is he doing to find things to occupy him in the evenings?

I wish you luck. But I think you are being very optimistic given that he was only sober for a month or two before he started drinking again. That's not very long.

My alcoholic ex goes through a cycle of detoxing in hospital, then being sober for a few weeks or months, then light drinking which quickly and inevitably leads to heavy drinking and then back to hospital. This has been going on for five or six years and despite AA, one-on-one counselling and all sorts of other help, there are no signs of it stopping.

That is my ex too Snorbs but not going into hospital. Stops drinking (sleepless nights and nightmares for a couple of weeks), no alcohol for a couple of weeks, 6 weeks being the longest, then light drinking increasing gradually until disappearance on a 3 - 5 day bender where we do not see or hear from him at all. Eight years here.

like i said earlier he knows if he does start the heavy drinking again its over and he is out, as with most mothers my DS is my main priority an i will not have him grow up thinking DP behaviour is normal and quite probably taking the same path. I am putting the effort into supporting him, not to rescue him, he is a grown adult, just to support him. To answer the question of what is he doing, other than being the one who phoned AA, went through the home detox, found a new job to help break habits, stopped speaking to his 'friends' he ised to drink with, joined the gym, cooks etc started the local football team, he is trying his hardest. I dont know why I feel like I am trying to defend him, when i have tried to point out that he IS trying, yes its his first time an there is that big chance of him failing, i know this, i also know its very hard thig to do, an most alcoholics dont change but some do manage it an whos to say he wont be one of those? Yes i am probably being stupid to believe he can do it, but until he proves me wrong i will carry on having faith in him. I know most of you who are saying i should get rid have been there yourselves, an i appriciate the advice, but really all i was asking for is if anyone was maybe going throught the same kind of thing with a partner going through detox an had any good ideas about keeping busy?

I read these posts and am glad I left my ex. It had been out of hand for approx 1 year. I was getting used to it and did join in to some extent. Luckily I realised I was hovering too near the slippery slope. I'd had an alcoholic bf once, I saw the signs. My ex didn't sort himself out. Four years on, he's been in and out of hospital, lost his driving licence, his job, on the way to losing his/our house... All for booze. I thought I loved him once. I am just relieved our children don't have to see much of him any more.

Sorry Vixy, not much help there, crossed posts.

Being an alcoholic doesnt automatically make someone a bad person. I have been with him for a year, lived with him since he began detox and known him and his family for 5 years. If i thought it was a good idea to have a relationship with an alcoholic i wouldnt be on here asking for tips on how to help a recovering alcoholic. Im not on here to defend myself or him to anyone, what i cant seem to get across to some of you is he is trying, an although he isnt my sons dad he is as good as. My sons dad knows my DP, an has done for longer than i have, he has given his support and knows my partner is a decent man, who loves our son as he does his own. My son has never seen my partner drink. Dittany, no one in my family is an alcohplic or addict of any kind, i myself have 3 sisters, 6 brothers, a loving family, 8 GCSEs, 2 NVQs and was an IT manager before i gave it up to have my son. I am not some abused little girl who feels she can only 'get with' certain types of men. The only desperate thing (if thats what you would like to call it) about me is that i am offering my support to someone i love by asking if anyone knew of any idas to fill some hours

vixy you sound lovely. He is lucky to have you. I think that those of us who have been with alcoholics or had them in our families know what a thankless slog it is and that there are rarely any happy endings. I know being an alcoholic does not make you a bad person, I stuck it out for eight years with mine because the good times were so very good. It is just so easy to get sucked in and lose sight of yourself and your dc when there is an alcoholic in the family. Only when you get out can you see the impact of it all and what it took from you. Worrying about my exes drinking robbed me of so much happiness in the my dc babyhood and I will never get that back. Everyday I am glad I got me and dc out so that we can enjoy life without every single thing been clouded by exes drinking. Alcohol has a way of taking over everything no matter what your intentions. We are all saying the same thing on your thread for a reason.

"Yes i am probably being stupid to believe he can do it, but until he proves me wrong i will carry on having faith in him."

He has proved you wrong. He's drinking. And if he's drinking four cans at a time then he's drinking more than the recommended safe amount.

Let's put it another way - how bad does he need to get before you believe he has crossed a line? What do you class as "heavy drinking"?

One thing I learned in dealing with an alcoholic is to pay a lot less attention to what the alcoholic is saying about their drinking and a lot more attention to what they are actually doing. An alcoholic who's drinking with tears running down their face is just an active alcoholic (albeit one who's feeling sorry for himself at that particular time - what AA call a "pity party").

Coincidentally I, too, was an ex-IT manager when I got together with an alcoholic whom I didn't even realise had a serious drink problem for quite a while. And my ex certainly didn't look like anyone out of Shameless. She's a middle-class, middle-aged woman who was holding down a good job when I first met her. She now can't hold down a job for more than a few weeks at a time before she gets completely blasted for a month or two. Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes.

You don't need to be an abused little girl to get the overwhelming feeling that you can, and should, save someone from themselves. The problems come when your efforts to save them start taking over your own life. You may find a book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie very helpful.

thank you Shimmerysilverglitter, i do understand why people are saying what they are saying, an i know that its more likely he will relapse an i will have to ask him to leave, but i feel to tar him with the same brush as others before he has had the chance to prove himself isnt right. I am fully prepared to have to ask him to go, an he knows it, as do his family. He really does have one chance.

vixy, it must be hard to hear what everyone is saying here but at the very least you need to keep these warnings at the back of your mind.....your partner is not a recovering alcolic, he is an alcoholic, he is still drinking.

Just put yourself and your ds first - don't invest all of your emotional energy trying to "save" the man you love...that way madness lies.

vixy, he has relapsed.