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Original poster

my daughter has given up her career for her boyfriend

29 replies

feedme · 12/01/2011 17:52

My daughter, who is in her early 20s, has just resigned from her job (which had reasonable pay, a contract, good prospects, training and which she was enjoying) to take up one with poor pay, fixed term contract, no prospects of promotion, no training, plus being with a company that's in financial difficulties so that she can live with her boyfriend.
Both he and his family, who live in the same village, had been putting a lot of pressure on her to do this.
I know she's old enough to make her own decisions, but I feel so upset about this and so angry with her boyfriend (who made no effort to move his job) and his family.
If anyone has any experience of this I would be pleased to hear how you felt about it.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 17:57

Unfortunately it is her decision, despite it being a very poor one. Is he controlling in other ways?

Original poster
feedme · 12/01/2011 18:01

I don't know him well enough, though it says something that, when I suggested that he moved to her, my daughter said 'oh no, it would interrupt his training' and she is stopping her training (paid for by the company) to move to him.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 18:03

I think she will probably regret it in the future but she has to find out for herself.

Violethill · 12/01/2011 18:15

Agree with scurry. She is an adult, and you really can't control what she does, though I would voice my concerns if I were you, that this might not be a great move. Other than that, all you can do is be there in the background to be supportive if she needs you

scouserabroad · 12/01/2011 18:19

Agree with previous posters.

I did this to live with my Dh & have regretted it since.

One thing I would say is to try to keep up a good relationship with her, so that she can always come to you if she needs to.

If she has a fixed term contract perhaps she will rethink her plans once the contract is over? It might not be too late at that point to go back to her career?

Othersideofthechannel · 12/01/2011 18:26

I have done this twice for DH but I don't regret it. The first time was my dream job. I managed to find a different almost as interesting job which had good pay and prospects. The second time the job is not so great for pay and prospects but it is very family friendly and is a good atmosphere.

JoinTheDots · 12/01/2011 18:32

Is there more to this?

Did she really like her job? Is she thinking ahead in terms of changing her career or taking a course? Are there other companies in the area she might be able to jump into when the opportunity arises?

Is his job better paid than her previous one? If one of them had to make the compromise, from a completely objective point of view, was her decision sensible?

When you suggested he move and she said no because of his training, did you counter with "what about your training?"

We all do things for love which others around us might think are not in our best interests, could this be a sign of how serious she is about him?

If you think this decision really needs more careful thought (sounds like its already happened now though) be sure to be there for your DD to help her remain equal in the relationship if other warning signs start to appear (he doesn't like her seeing you or her friends, she becomes isolated, or withdrawn).

She is an adult, but doesn't mean she doesn't still need her mum looking out for her, just in case

littlecritter · 12/01/2011 18:35

Well, could it be that she was not as committed to her job as you might think? If she really was driven by her career she would not have done this and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's her choice.

Original poster
feedme · 12/01/2011 19:10

thanks to everybody who's responded, it's been so useful to hear what other people think.
Mind you, I'm still going to find it hard to see him again and pretend everything's fine

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 12/01/2011 19:41

The bit that would concern me is the pressure, especially from family.

I feel I have made sacrifices for my relationship with DH but it hasn't been one-sided.

Also both times we moved, we moved somewhere new together.

I hope things work out for her.

spidookly · 12/01/2011 20:00

Making sacrifices for your husband is very different from making them for your boyfriend.

At their age they should have been able to figure things out without anyone giving up anything.

I would be worried too.

hatwoman · 12/01/2011 20:09

feedme - on the face of it this doesn't sound great - however the criteria you use to compare the two jobs (pay, prospects, training etc) are very specific ones. I'm not saying this is the case but might it be possible that the second job has other attractions? - it might be in a different sector or involve using different skills that she can see playing a positive part in her career development - it might be a stepping stone to something else.

If this isn't the case and the only reason is for her bf then I too would be upset - but like others have said you can't do much except be there for her. or maybe apply gentle persuasion and support re finding ways of keeping her job-related fulfillment part of her life.

jonicomelately · 12/01/2011 20:14

Wasn't there a girl who got through to the 'band' on Pop Idol only to give it up for her boyfriend. He said it was him or the band. She chose him. She was replaced by Nicola (Roberts?) and the band was of course Girls Aloud.
She bitterly regrets it now she has a shitty job and kicked her boyfriend into touch.
Perhaps you could track down any articles about her. Sorry I can't remember her name or many more details.

Original poster
feedme · 12/01/2011 20:34

hatwoman - yes, the boyfriend is the only criteria. I can't believe she's being so stupid- they haven't even been going out for a year yet
Joni - as she's already handed in her resignation, so I've just got to be supportive.
I wouldn't have minded so much if they'd started something new together, away from the boyfriend's family, as other posters have said.
Thank-you all again for your comments, it helps a lot

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 12/01/2011 20:44

I think if I were you I'd sit her down and say everything you want to say to her calmly and rationalally and tell her that if you don't have this conversation you would regret it forever. Then ask her to think about retracting her resignation.

jonicomelately · 12/01/2011 20:45

And ask her to ask her boyfriend to get a job that suits her.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2011 20:48

I would get her on here.

I'd get her to the relationships board and in just one day and with one search, she could spend the entire day reading what happens to women who sacrifice their earning potential for a man, particularly if they are unmarried.

It's a common mistake, but a very very foolish one.

Original poster
feedme · 12/01/2011 21:08

joni - yes, we've talked and talked about it, but so was he I guess.

expat - I've also gone through all that. She's generally very level-headed and I couldn't believe it when she said 'what's the big deal about a career anyway?', another classic was 'life's all about taking risks' - well yes, as long as you're not the only one taking the risks....

Anyway, I do have a lot of faith in her (hence the shock) and can only hope it will all turn out for the best. Plus she is in her twenties now and am grateful that she did discuss it with us.

OP posts:
Malificence · 12/01/2011 21:08

What's with all the doom and gloom scenarios?
It could turn out to be absolutely the right thing to do for her, if she doesn't give it a go, she'll never know.
They might have long term plans for the future which include her being a SAHM?
Life is all about making life changing decisions and taking chances - she's hardly throwing her life away. She hasn't given up working for good and gone to live in a squat or a gypsy camp.

jonicomelately · 12/01/2011 21:11

I guess people just don't like the idea of a young girl selling herself short because of a boyfriend. I know there could be more to it than that and the liklihood is she'll be OK but it just seems worng for her to change her job because she feels she has to.

Original poster
feedme · 12/01/2011 21:16

yes, I hear what you say Malificence, and thanks for a shot of positivity Smile. Doesn't stop me thinking he's a selfish shit though

OP posts:
ILovedYou · 12/01/2011 22:12

She'll regret it.

hatwoman · 12/01/2011 22:26

feedme - I know a young lad who passed up a place at a russell group univeristy to go to the same university as his gf. his mum was gutted but could do nothing. he split from the gf. however he got a first and now has a very good job, in exactly the area he always wanted. mal is right - your dd is young - neither she nor you really know how things will pan out. she has a loving mum and at least a job so not everything's bad Smile

StuffingGoldBrass · 12/01/2011 22:45

She almost certainly is making a big mistake, the boyfriend's either a moron or a bully. However, it's not one you can stop her making, and you have to hide your dislike of the boyfriend (though it's OK to tell her once, and calmly, without slagging him off, why you feel it's a bad idea, just don't keep on at her) or she may withdraw from you.
If the boyfriend is a controlling dickhead from a family of misogynists (which sounds worryingly likely) then your DD will need you in her life, to be there and to be ready to help her when she sees through them and wants to get away. Hopefully this will happen before she gets PG.

cumbria81 · 13/01/2011 11:18

When I was 19 I left a very good University to go to my then boyfriend's not so good Univeristy to be with him.

My parents tried to talk me out of it until they were blue in the face. It didn't make a jot of difference.

Of course, a year down the line I regretted it bitterly but my point is you can tell her your sage advice but she won't necessarily listen.

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