my daughter has given up her career for her boyfriend

[feedme]

My daughter, who is in her early 20s, has just resigned from her job (which had reasonable pay, a contract, good prospects, training and which she was enjoying) to take up one with poor pay, fixed term contract, no prospects of promotion, no training, plus being with a company that's in financial difficulties so that she can live with her boyfriend.
Both he and his family, who live in the same village, had been putting a lot of pressure on her to do this.
I know she's old enough to make her own decisions, but I feel so upset about this and so angry with her boyfriend (who made no effort to move his job) and his family.
If anyone has any experience of this I would be pleased to hear how you felt about it.

I made a decision not to join the police at 18 and to marry and be a military wife instead, I have never regretted it for one single second, just because you are young that doesn't automatically mean that you can't make big changes to your life without it being some huge mistake.
Even if she is making a mistake, it's her mistake to make.

My DD has got a bit of an opposite situation, her BF has decided to stay with her and get a job locally (hopefully) when he graduates, rather than moving back down to his home in Essex to a guaranteed job, however if she had decided to transfer Universities and go with him I wouldn't think she was making a big mistake, they want to stay together and get a flat and they have made the joint decision that suits the two of them the best. Then again, I know that DD's boyfriend has her best interests at heart and he has a lovely family who have welcomed DD, as we have welcomed him.

Is it the fact that you don't know him or his family that has made you worry?

What would worry me would not be her decision as such, but the fact that her bf has been putting pressure, which suggests that he may be controlling/see his own interests as paramount.

I did potentially give up a job and my career prospects to emigrate and marry dh. But then he would have done the same for me; it was a rational decision for our joint benefit, rather than a case of the man thinking he's more important.

I feel for you, but fear there is probably little you can do.

When I was in my early 20's I was all set up to study Medicine in another part of the country. My (very controlling) BF at the time eventually 'talked me into' dropping the course and giving up on my dream job. I then wasted way too many more years living with him whilst he slowly dragged me down to his miserable level.

I left him eventually, but not before I'd wasted way too much time on him, and I then had to spend more time trying to undo all the problems he'd caused me (financially and emotionally).

Looking back, I do wonder if it would have helped if my family made more of an effort to step in and stop me buggering up years of my life. They obviously told me they weren't happy, but it turned into an argument so they then didn't push the point anymore.

Definitely talk to her, keep calm and keep up the dialogue. Don't let yourself and your family be 'pushed out',however subtley, by the BF and his family.

Has she talked about why she feels he is worth this sacrifice?

The first time I gave up my job for DH it was before we were married but I truly felt it was worth it and still do. But I had previously had a 3 year relationship with someone who, lovely though he was, I think I knew 'we' weren't going to last forever and any major sacrifice would have been an error for either of us.