bad husband- what is best for kids??

[Spandangle]

my husband is completely crap. i cant depend on him emotionally, practically or financially. he spends very little time with us as a family and i am desperate to seperate from him and havve him move out. BUT we have 2 daughters - 5 1/2 years and 2 months old. when i think about how seperating might affect them it tears me up and makes me want to persevere for their sakes. but it cant be a good example to set them can it? to see their mum so disrespected by their dad??
which scenario do you think will be least damaging for them?

Staying is definitely more damaging. Imagine them growing up thinking that your relationship is how things 'should be'. What would you advise them if they were in a relationship like the one you are in?

Being in a relationship like yours will only teach the children damaging lessons if you were to remain within it for their sakes.

Would you want your daughters as adults to have a relationship like yours?. No?. If you stay with this man you are teaching them that this type of behaviour towards you is acceptable.

Better to be apart and happier than together and miserable as you are now. The children longer term too would not thank you for staying with such an individual and would wonder why you did not leave him years ago. You have a choice re him at the end of the day.

This is purely my personal experience. My father was useless, in the pub all the time, mean with money, nasty around the house. Bear in mind this was in the 60s/70s so my mother just didn't want to lose face and let anyone know how wrong things were, most of all her family.

I forgive him the bad stuff that went on between them - who knows? - but I will never forgive him the way he treated me and my brother - nothing of a father figure, unpredictable, unreliable, wrapped up in himself. The things I wish he'd done didn't have to cost money, he could have taught my brother to play cricket, which dad loved, or either of us to play piano etc.

What I am trying to say is you know this isn't going to get better. There is a better life for you out there. I prayed my prents would separate.

They did so when the youngest child moved out, Mum was 45, I feel she lost so many years and so did we.

How on earth can you say it's 'definitely' more damaging to stay in this relationship elephants?

We know next to nothing about this relationship.

Can you tell us more Spandangle?

My experience of my parents divorcing was awful, even though they were awful together! You have to think of the long picture, ie new partners and circumstances for the children and how that could affect them.

Of course it's sometimes better to split for all parties but it depends on all the detail and how your dc are being affected at the moment etc

Ok so one short post and three 'yes definitely break up your marriage, it's better for the kids' right??

Happystory I'm sorry for what you went through. But how do you know it would have been better if she'd left? You don't know what would have unfolded. I experienced being a child in a very unhappy marriage and then being a child of divorce in a step family. The latter was far, far worse.

Never ever use the children as an excuse to stay together.

Of course it's impossible to know how things would have been had they separated when we were children. We would have been brassic that's for sure! But it's no exaggeration that the experience has scarred my brother and me for life, and although my mum has a nice contented life now (single and happy) I wish we hadn't had to live through so many years of turmoil

if you sepearated is he so crap that he would never see them?
and then what?

sseparating wont change him.

more information - i earn more so i pay most of the bills but he does not pay what he can afford or what is far - leaving himself with more than double the disposable incoome i have and i pay for everything for the kids.

i have to really nag him to spend time with us and if he comes on days out or holidays i have to pay for him or he will say he cant come as he cant afford it. when he does ccome, he is mostly unengaged with me or the kids and will criticise and complain all day. i have leant him money on the understanding that he pays it back monthly and he has refused to pay it back as 'he cant afford to'
he rarely looks after the kids. if he does so that i can do something, he will usually sit in 1 room with the baby whilst the eldest sits byherself watching tv- he doesnt get her dressed or washed, and often doesnt feed her because 'she said she wasnt hungry'. he only useful thing he does is take her to school in the mornings- after i have gotten her upp and ready.
he does no house work but will cook and wash up. he doesnt even tidy.
we are in seperate bedrooms since my pregnancy- stated for comfort reasons so that we could both get sleep for work. he is not affectionate at all and i doont want to have sex with him.
he blames most of this behaviour on his commitment to studying. he is working full time and studying to try and get a better job.

our daughter adores him

Of course she adores him, spandangle. She's 5. The light dawned on me when I was about 11

if we seperated i think he would see the kids. i have no doubt he loves them and WANTS to do right by them. it is as if the idea he has of himself in his head just doesnt match the reality of what he is really like.

i'm not sure that home life us 'turmoil'-he;s not there a;lot and when he is i try really hard not to fight in front of the kids-cant always contain it though and he does swear at me in front of them.

Bucharest I have literally heard it all now. 'Never use children AS AN EXCUSE to stay together'?!!!!!!!

Happystory, I hear you and I understand. But as I said, I thought it couldn't get any worse (toxic mum, useless dad - both mental health issues), but it did when we were thrown into a step family with a stepmother who resented our existence.

i am very sure i wouldnt be with anyone else in a serious relatioship if we seperated. i feel strongly about them not having a step father. and i was always happy on my own anyway!!

span,

Ask yourself this - what are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships currently?. They are learning from you both, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents.

I actually asked the OP if she wanted her own children to have a relationship likes hers now is an adults. OP has a choice re her H at the end of the day, the children do not.

no- i do not want my daughters to have relationships like this!!!

proudandscaryvirginmary a slight digression, but a very good friend of mine is currently doing exactly that....she is scared of walking out on the abysmal relationship she is in and every morning, when we go for coffee she'll say "but ds, (7) adores his father, I don't want to destroy that" Meanwhile, she is living with a man who will not allow her to work, who insists she shaves off all her pubic hair because he wants her to look like a yung girl, and as she is currently undergoing tests etc for endo and doesn't feel like sex, is wanking behind the (glass) bedroom door and making her watch. In summer she isn't allowed to wear shorts in case other men look at her.

Should she continue to use her son's love for his father as a reason to stay with this worthless slave driving piece of shit?

Spandangle my apologies for hijack there....I think the thing you need to ask yourself is, are you happy? Are you OK with this? Do you think he might change and become a present, contributing husband and father? Do you want to try? If the answer is yes, then go for it. If the answer is no, then don't think for a moment that your children will "suffer" any more than they already do from living in a family situation where things are not 100%.

Err no Bucharest, of course not in this very extreme example you present.

But what you said was NO-ONE (not 'people in an abusive relationship' such as your friend) should use their children AS AN EXCUSE (rather than think very carefully about the welfare of the children after divorce) to stay in a relationship.

Incredibly different, no?

how about relate?
he can't be all bad otherwise yhou wouldnt be together in the first place would you?

"unengaged with me or the kids and will criticise and complain all day" - doesnt sound like a good reason to keep him in the house to be honest...

maybe jsut maybe - separating and ending up with situation where he has to eb one on one with the kids on set days might actually help him to take on that responsibility and engage more.

however it may be that separating wont change him any more than staying with him wont change him. unless he has a light bulb moment and wants to change.

proudnscary - i see what you saying - but the stepmother issues was maybe really just a continuation of your father being a bad parent and not looking out for you - it wasnt going to be good as it was and it didnt get any better, sadly. but the divorce wasnt responsible for the ways of the stepmother.

but sometimes, a "strong" parent moving on and out of a bad relationship can work best for the children.

op has a lot to think about - but it would be wrong to maintain the status quo because he might go off and get a really bad stepmother for the children...

dd loves her dad - of course she does and separating wont mean she wont be allowed to love him any more - he will still be her fatehr....in fact there is a chance she may get more quality time with him if he steps up to the mark...

if he doesnt step up - well no differnet really to now, but op will eb stronger and happier and a house without moans and complaints and criticisms is far far happier all round. getting away from that - is like a cloud lifts. my exP hasnt changed since separation - if anything has got worse - he may blame the separation for that (he cannot cope with it...) ... i dont. i think he would have got even worse anyway staying in same house.

We're all going to answer this question based on our own experience, OP. If you can find anything to help you with your thinking, go for it - keep a diary, see an individual counsellor if at all possible.

My own take on it is that your P will be who he is whether you go or stay. The question is whether staying is preventing you from being the mother you want to be. Being in a situation where you are ground down, exploited, undermined etc - it will do something to your personality and to the way your dcs see you. Even if you can't see it now. It's hard when you're doing something lighthearted with the dcs and he comes in and spoils the mood.

To take up proudnscary's point, if you do separate and the dcs spend time with him, there is quite a lot that is out of your control during that time. I do struggle with that. Overall, though, I think it's worthwhile, because I'm not parenting in a situation of tension and unhappiness any more.

Spandangle,

i think you probably know the right path already, somewhere inside, but need the confidence and courage to go ahead and do the right thing. first you need to talk openly and frankly with each other about everything thats bothering you both. he may have latent issues with his own childhood or jealous about you being the bread winner? dont know just guessing but the most important people here are those two little children and as parents you and he owe it to them to try and sort out a solution - whatever that is. i speak as a divorcee and child from single parent. good luck it wont be easy but you'll work it out.

thank you one and all- his has been really really helpful. I still have some thinking to do, but what has really rung a bell for me is Nicknametakens point 'is the situation preventing me from being the mother i want to be?' and i think the answer is yes it is. up until now, until my daughter has reached this age, i think i managed to maintain my role as i wanted it to be. Now, she is more perceptive, i cant. How can i teach her about respect and honesty and being kind, when i am tolerating her fathers behaviour?????