Fallen at the first hurdle, please help me to not give up

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

Im sitting here flipping sobbing, ex has gone out after being a massive shit. He is refusing to leave, he is being damn right nasty. I understand he is hurting but I thought he was a bigger person than this.
He left with a satisfied smug look on his face.
God it would just be easier to give in and take him back, surely a lifetime of unhappiness can't be that long?
I want to stay strong, I know this is for the best but im so tired and broken at this second. I got no one to talk to.

This stage is utterly vile- it took six months for my ex to leave, and it was hell. Be kind to yourself, go and have a nice bath and a read or something. Look forward to the future without him in it- a weight will lift, I promise.

Oh I do sympathise. Not too sure what to say that is helpful atm...

He isn't going to go thats the thing, I can't make him. This could be so much easier and at the moment the kids are suffering.
I hate him for making me feel like this.
I hate that he gets enjoyment out of turning me into a sobbing wreck.

A lifetime is a LOOOONG time. Just hold on a bit longer. It's like squeezing a spot. Initial pain but so satisfying once you've done it.

You can do this. Just keep posting and stay certain. No one asks someone to leave for nothing. You have made this decision for some very good reasons.

Make a list of a few of them and look at it every time you waver.

I literally don't know what to do though. How can we live under the same roof but not together. I can't afford to move me and the kids out. He is refusing to have anything to do with the kids other than at the weekends since he is now a 'weekend dad' (you see why i asked him to go!)

Jesus, what a knob!

So rather than make the most of still being around them he's decided to punish them for his failed relationship? Nice man.

Can you get an injunction to remove him? Have you sought legal advice? You need something to make him move.

On a positive note, yes he is staying to punish you at the moment, but he won't want to do this forever. He will eventually move out, or you will find a way to move out yourself.

Keep hope.

We have a joint tenancy on a housing association place. he has already called them and aparently been told that i cant force him out and there is no legal way i can make him leave, he told me this with a massive grin on his face and a 'fuck you im not goin anywhere' to add to it.

He has a lot of issues hence us splitting up but i genuinley thought he would do right by the kids.

The fucking look on his face as he walked out the door i could have easily laid him out there and then if ds1 hadn't been peeking out the bedroom door.

Have you spoken to them yourself? I wouldn't take anything he says as true. Call them up, explain the situation and beg them for help. This must happen relatively often and there must be a procedure in place. There has to be.

You need some advice yourself- have you seen a solicitor?

He will eventually realise that no sane person does this when a relationship is over.

Yeah i will have to take the day off college tomorrow and go to the CAB and call into the council as well.

You really have my sympathy.....but, you really desperately need legal advice. Why not start divorce proceedings? Unreasonable behaviour???

Were not married..... this sort of behaviour is why.

And if he wants to play silly buggers while he's still there with this "weekend dad" crap, then make sure you're not doing any of "his" housework or anything else you'd do for a partner. You're separated. He's not your responsibility. And if he wants to be a weekend dad, then it's time to plan for weekends off visiting friends alone some weekends.

You could be far more mature and retain the moral high ground. But he's being a twat and I'm inclined to treat him as such.

My goodness I've said weekends a lot..

Don't give in. Its sooo difficult. I was in the situation for 6 months and it is hellish. Your life is in total limbo.

I know its easier said than done but you need to detach emotionally. Just do NOT react. Ignore everything. If he gets no reaction from you, he will get bored and eventually give up. As soon as he starts ranting. leave the room.

Stop doing anything for him (cooking, washing etc.) Make it clear (using notes if he's incapable of having a civil conversation), that you are living separately and he needs to shop/cook/wash/clean up for himself and then get yourself to a solicitor a.s.a.p. Most of them will do a free initial consultation. Find out where you stand re:housing association etc.

6 months of hell is worth it for a lifetime of freedom. The next few weeks will be really tough but I promise it will be worth it

Yeah me to, over this past week i have bent over fucking backwards to make this easy for him, i am still making his packed lunch ffs, im sitting here pathetically blowing up an air bed just so he has his sleep!!! I just don't want him to screw me even further by rinsing the joint account or something like that and i don't trust him to start bad mouthing me to the kids, he has already said he will if i force him out the flat.

I would take exactly half of the money out of the joint account. You need to separate your finances. Make sure bills are still being paid too.

Don't make his packed lunch. Stop blowing up the bed. You are no longer responsible for this man. You are separated. It's over. You are emotionally free.

STOP DOING THINGS FOR HIM!

I know I have to, im worried about my boys though.

OMG what a 'orrible twat he is... but I agree that you should do nothing for him and you still need legal advice ASAP. The sooner you separate your finances the better. This is the worst stage so just keep your dignity. xx

You need to separate your finances as a priority- a joint account can't work in this this situation. And if you stop doing his lunches, making his bed up etc, that will make life a little more uncomfortable for him too.

The sooner he gets his head around this the better for your boys.

Separate accounts, stop making his lunch, start living again.

Don't be mean and just stop, sit him down and explain that now you're separated it's best that he do things for himself. Say you're happy to do things for the boys, shopping, cooking, washing cleaning etc, but it's not really appropriate for you to do things for him. You're now housemates for the short term, rather than partners, so he needs to do things for himself, like making his own sandwiches and doing his own washing etc.

Keep it calm, keep it straightforward, don't get into a debate. Just state it as it is.

If he leaves his stuff around start putting it just inside the door of his room, or outside it if he doesn't want you going in, but only move things. Don't clean his stuff!

You need to start legal proceedings immediately. You will have to go to court re tenancy and the court will award on the basis of who needs it most ie main carer of dc. Make sure you lead with his 'weekend dad' nonsense if who is main carer is questioned. There is a way out of this but it will take time and be a horrible time but so worth it at the end. Have been through this exact same thing please PM me if you want to talk further.

How do I sort out the bank? How can I take myself off the joint account?

Some advice here.

Open a new account in your own name tomorrow.