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Original poster

Now what do I do?

26 replies

lastresort · 11/01/2011 11:01

Basically after surviving hellish year, DH and I seemed to be making progress in our relationship.
Then about a week before xmas I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring. Asked him about it and he claimed he had taken it off to clean hands and could not remember where he had put it. I thought this was ,well, strange, but asked him to find it asap please. He knows how important a symbol this is to me and he has NEVER removed his before.
I even offered to buy him a new one for xmas but he just laughed and said he'd already got one.
Anyway, roll forward to the other night. I was getting more and more pissed about this lack of ring so went to bed and asked him if he had found it. He said no, why? I replied that until he did there would be no sex and tried to make a joke about it. He just went to sleep.
Thought he would come down next morning wearing it...he didn't.
Decided that he would def be wearing it in bed last night as he never turns down sex.
He wasn't.
Okay, I gave him an ultimatum, he ignored it. Now what do I do?
This is weird because he hates mind games but I have given him plenty of chances with this.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 11/01/2011 11:05

If he has lost it, he has lost it.

Never ever ever use sex as a bargaining tool.

Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Do you think it means he is having an affair?

If so you need to concentrate on that, not the missing ring.

TubbyDuffs · 11/01/2011 11:14

Ultimatums are never a good move.

I don't really see what the fuss is, he's still married even if he doesn't wear a ring.

My husband didn't wear his for ages when he was working on building sites, can't say it bothered me.

He has told you he has lost it, he obviously knows its somewhere in the house, and it will turn up, but isn't putting as much importance on it as you are.

Maybe if you stop making it into a big issue, he might have a look for it.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 11:18

The ring obviously symbolises the strength of your marriage to you. Do you feel insecure? Do you have reason to? I have to confess to regularly leaving my wedding ring about the place. I take it off when I cook, wash my hands, garden etc.

emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 11:30

Sounds like he has lost it. It's possible.

Why are you insistant on using sex as a weapon against him? Not a good move a all in a relationship.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 11:31

Yes the ring does sybolise our marriage, he was the one who insisted on getting one for himself when we married.
In 10 years he has never removed it and he does a really dirty job.
After last year the idea that he could be having an affair is my main worry, along with the fact that he just does not want to be with me anymore.
But like I said he is not the type to play mind games, so why not just tell me straight?
Also. I don't think he has 'lost' it , just removed it purposefully.

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ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 11:33

Ask him. You have to sit him down and ask him if he is deliberately not wearing the ring. Hopefully, this will lead on to discussing the other issues you're having. You can't go on second guessing his motives and issuing ultimatums. You'll drive yourself, and him, crackers.

emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 11:36

Well you need to talk to him honestly about it then and whatever the issues you had before.

If you can't communicate, then decide if this is what you want or if you beleive/trust him and want to be with him.

Using sex as a weapon is not the answer and will make it 100x worse.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 11:41

He doesn't talk though. Have had the same conversations over the past year going round in circles. I ask if he wants to talk if he has something he wants to tell me, ie fess up.
He replies that there's nothing to talk about. Just will not open up to me.
So if he refuses to talk then what can I do? If he's not happy and is somehow trying to make some kind of point re this ring business then why not just say it straight instead?

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Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 11:43

ATM ultimatums seem to be my only option.

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emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 11:48

If it's come to the point ultimatums are your only option, which are counter productive, he won't talk so wouldn't consider counselling I presume and you are constantly doubting him (getting him to fess up).

Is it not time you talked to him seriously about calling it a day and see what he says?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/01/2011 12:03

I suspect he is being passive-aggressive and telling you that he no longer values your marriage. Your response is only slightly less passive-aggressive, by using sex as a bargaining tool.

You are hypothesising (correctly in my view) about the most obvious reason for this, so the question is, if you ask him is he having an affair, is he likely to deny it and cover his tracks thereafter? It occurs however that this very definite gesture of removing the ring means he wants matters brought to a head, if not to take resonsibility for that. He could be trying to get you to be the bad guy and end the marriage.

In a situation like this, if you suspect you will be lied to, then start looking for other sources of evidence. Start with his phone.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 12:15

Yes I agree he may be trying to get me to end the marriage. But, in all honesty I don't see how he can be having an affair unless its online. He only goes out 1 night a week and rest of time he is at home or work.
Admittedly he is self employed and so is out and about all day, but if he was spending all his time with OW he would not be earning any money, which he is.

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Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 12:21

His phone is always locked, his Facbook account is friends only, although I did log in as DS and read DH's wall but found nothing incriminating. There wasn't much on there at all actually and he spends quite a lot of time on it, so no idea what he does on there. Must have some sort of secret message thing going on.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/01/2011 12:30

He goes out one night a week and he could be charging affair hours to his clients. If his phone is permanently locked and you don't know the password, this is another clue. You don't say whether you're a FB user (I'm not either) but if you are, why are you not one of his friends? As I understand it, this does have a private messaging facility and if his use of it doesn't correspond with what is in the public domain, I think you've got come clues.

What about his general behaviour, other than what you've posted here? Is he surgically attached to said phone, is he distant and withdrawn, does he seem stressed and irritable and under-invested (or more so than usual) in your romantic relationship? Tell us what you're noticing.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 12:37

He goes out once a week and he is with others that I know so nothing there.
I was his friend on FB but I removed myself from his friends list last year during our 'difficult period'.
Does leave his phone lyin g around occassionally but last lime I tried to answer it when it beeped with a message, a warning came up saying 'oy, off my phone', which he obviously thinks is some kind of joke thing.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/01/2011 12:40

Goodness, you do seem to rely on very indirect methods of communication with one another, don't you?

I'm afraid the next time I saw that message on his phone (if you prize it away from him) I would cheerfully ignore it.

emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 12:43

It's a bit odd if you are both on fb and you aren't even privvy to each others profiles, you are married right?

So no trace of each other on each others profiles is odd. Have you ever got any closeness back? From what happened as it does not sound like it.

I think you have already made your mind up he is having an affair. So you need to confront him with it. If you have no proof then, you know him better than anyone here, so that's your judgement call.

Only you can deicde if you believe him/want him/want to split.

He may be forcing your hand, but do you have a choice if he stonewalls you?

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 12:48

So you're saying I should spy on him? Won't that just make things worse?

TBH I wouldn't know where to begin spying on him. Surely if he is up to something then he will be hiding his tracks?

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Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 12:49

I know I want to make marriage work, not sure about him now though.
What is stonewalling?

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emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 12:56

No, I don't agree with spying on people tbh.

I think if it's at that stage your relationship is fucked, just my personal opinion.

But you already are, trying to look a his fb etc and his phone, not through want of not trying but you can't delve any deeper because of passwords etc.

From your posts, getting him to fess up, secret messaging etc, you already think he is up to something.

So you can't prove it as there is no proof, but you already think it.

So what else can you do? If you truly beleive he is up to no good, only you know what to do. You either carry on as you are, or you do something about it.

No one can say here if he is cheating in some form or not as communication does not seem great from your posts. You are in a position to judge the situation more than anyone here.

emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 12:58

Stonewalling = Not talking, answering Q'S, being evasive, delaying or blocking the convo by these tactics.

BigBadMummy · 11/01/2011 17:25

The fact you cannot talk to him and are both pussy footing around each other says it all.

You have to sit down and talk to him. You have been married for ten years and you will be lucky to do another ten weeks if you carry on like this.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 17:55

Apart from the things I have already posted his day to day demeanor is normal, not especially offhand or distant.

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perfumedlife · 11/01/2011 18:05

You need to get his attention, he must start talking to you. What kind of marriage is this if he won't talk? I imagine he would respond to a lawyer's letter.

Original poster
lastresort · 11/01/2011 22:17

Actually, no, he would not react to a solicitor's letter. He got one of those last year during our bad period, where I had just had enough of this what you call stonewalling.
He just said that if I wanted a divorce he could not stop me. I told him to put up a fight for me, but he just seemed unwilling or unable to do so.
I eventually backed down re the divorce co I honestly wanted things to work for our sakes as well as the DC's.
I thought things were getting better, sort of, until this ring episode.

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