Airing 'my' dirty laundry?

[itsallmadness]

I have posted here before, but in summary my Dh had an affair for three years, I found out and twice after he has had contact with OW (who was my BF).

After the last incident some 6 months ago, my head was spinning daily and I think my mental state was so confused. All I could think about was how DH had lied and deceived me. He refused to leave stating he loved me and the kids and that he didn't want OW (who also managed to 'mess' my head with her lies). He claims he only met her for closure and to understand why she lied about him to her friends.

This weekend I decided to put it behind me and move on with my life otherwise I would end up miserable and depressed. I know it's not the solution but at the moment, neither is divorce (two dh who are going through an important time in school - exams etc).

One question I wanted to ask is that by my talking to friends, for some support, my DH claims I was airing our dirty laundry and degrading our relationship to others. I know this is partially true, is it better to not tell anyone then? I ask because I was desperate to tell my mum, who has no idea how miserable I have been for 5 years (i'm very good at hiding my feelings). Should I just deal with this on my own - ie not to talk to anyone any more?

He cheated on you with your best friend. I don't think he's got any say in how you get yourself through this.

No, what your DH really means is 'Please stop telling everyone what a complete wanker I am, because I don't want them to know that I am in fact a complete wanker'. He degraded your relationship by fucking your friend for three years. He has no right to demand that you stay quiet and miserable. Personally, I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. But then I wouldn't still have him in the house, either.

No! He was the one who cheated, you are allowed to deal with it however you feel you need to. You need support from RL friends and family. I suspect he just doesn't want it publicly known what a shit he's been.

He doesn't get to call the shots here. Your post is very worrying, he should be bending over backwards to show contrition and helping in every way he can to rebuild your trust and the relationship.

I'm sure someone more experienced with this stuff will come along and offer much better advuce than I can but I had to answer your post because I can't believe he's got the temerity to cheat on you and then tell you you're not allowed to talk about it!

No. You deal with it in the way that works for you. Your husband has no right to tell you how to manage your feelings frankly.

He had an affair. Presumably he talked about his feelings to her. Would he rather you found a nice man to talk to? I think not.

My husband also had an affair last year. I found it out about it quite quickly and eventually kicked him out. Like your husband, mine wasn't too thrilled about me telling people but that was just tough. I needed help and support from friends and family. If only he'd been able to talk to me, to friends, to family in the first place he may have been able to sort out his feelings without getting involved with another woman.

Eventually we did get back together but it's still not easy. I still don't trust him - even though he's given me no cause not to.

I suppose he's afraid that your friends and family will tell him exactly what they think of him for what he's done to you. But he's just going to have to be big enough to own up and take whatever shit comes his way.

You do want you want to do. Don't let him bully you.

So er, him having an affair with your best friend isn't "degrading your relationship", but you mentioning it to anyone is? Something's a bit back to front there.

Agree with everyone else - he treated you badly but doesn't want anyone else to know. You get through this however you need to and if that means confiding in friends for support then so be it - if he doesn't feel comfortable with that then maybe he should have thought about it before he cheated on you.

He is ashamed, because he knows that the facts of the situation make him look like a lying, cheating, spineless scumbag, and he probably hoped he could keep that fact quiet (well, between you had him).

Think carefully about this. Look at the situation from all angles. If he can do this to you - sleep with your best friend behind your back for three years - and still come out of it worrying about covering his own arse, what sort of person is he, really?

you and him

Thank you all for your replies. This whole situation has been going round and round in my head everyday for the last 6 months.

To be honest, my hear wants a divorce but head wont let me. Maybe I am afraid of being lonely but more importantly I am more afraid of the outcome it will have on DC. My son has a very important year coming up and really would not be able to handle his parents divorcing (he is very close to dh).

I know what you are all saying but if I stay with DH for at least another year, it also impacts on how our friends perceive our relationship.

DH has spun so many stories about not being in love with OW and in fact 'hating' her that I wonder whether he is actually telling me the truth and really does love me.

I actually do not know what the 'truth' is which is why I mentioned that in order to move forward. I just have to forget about it! But as you can see, I can't.
Sorry, just babbling, but it's good to let out my thought to you.

He probably does hate her, because he is not man enough to admit to himself that HE was the one who acted appallingly and he is transferring the hate he should feel for HIMSELF on to her. Easy target. 'It's all her fault, that wicked woman!'etc.

I feel for you, I really do. You are in a a terrible situation, through no fault of your own, and I totally sympathise with your concerns about your children. I am not saying 'leave now'. I am just saying - this is a really unhealthy and awful situation for you to be in, and I really don't think that by pretending it hasn't happened you - or your kids - are going to come out of this well.

It doesnt sound like your DH has acknowledged what he did or the impact it has had at all. That is a major concern.

What Chickens said (and everyone else)

You don't need to know his 'truth'. You have some facts that are undeniable. He is a liar, he seeks to blame everyone else for his own behaviour, and he clearly has no respect for you. This might be hard to hear, but you must hear it. I wish you happiness in the future, when you walk away from this odious toad of a 'man'.

He had an affair. Presumably he talked about his feelings to her. Would he rather you found a nice man to talk to? I think not.

Quite, walesblackbird.

He completely betrayed you, by choice, and he expects you to not talk to anyone. Git

Agree with everyone!

You don't have to divorce now, if you are not ready. You do whatever the hell you want honey, this is your call entirely.

Your DH so worried about what people thought? Ahh, can you hear that? it's the sound of the smallest, sweetest violin in the world...

He is worried about HIS image? well F8ck him, and the horse he rode in on.

I assume you have cut her dead from your life, tell him that until he STFU and acknowledges what he did by dropping his trousers and shagging your 'best friend', not only fracturing a family, but a long standing friendship, that you will cut him off too.

If he is still in the house, tell him he needs to stay somewhere on his own for a while, for you to heal, to think and to breathe. To recover from the dual betrayal, and to see what you want to do.

Until your H acknowledges what he has done, which he won't if all he's interested in doing is papering over the cracks, this chasm will never heal.

The longer this situation goes on, the more harm it will do. You both need to take time to think.

If he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and betrayal, there is no chance of your relationship mending. That way only misery and total loss of self esteem lies.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, itsallmadness. I can really understand the other posters and agree with them to a degree.

I know how it feels to need emotional support when you are going through something so traumatic.

I wonder if you have considered Relate to help you both through this, they are very good. They can help you find a way through this terrible decit even if ultimately you decide to separate. You can have sessions one on one if your other half isn't keen, although it does speak volumes in my opininon if they don't participate).

Relate have written a very helpful book called After the Affair which I have found very helpful. The advice in it about 'airing your dirty laundry' is good.

The basics are that it really depends on where you think the raltionship is ultimately going to end up. If you are together it can be very difficult for those that love you to ever see your other half as something other than horrible, which can make it difficult later on. Choosing some trusted and discreet friends can be more helpful to your relationship long term if you stay together.

I'm currently finding it difficult not to share my pain with my mum, but I know that we are hoping to get through our problems and I don't want it to affect the relationship my h has with my mum as I think I will regret it.

If you don't see any future together then you need to do what you need to do to get through.

Be strong, you've some hard decisions to make.

Little MissHissyfit - Dh is sorry for what he has done, I know he knows he is in the wrong but I can't find it in myself to forgive him for making contact with her. This affair was not just about sex, it was more of an EA. OW (also married and has kids) has told all our mutual friends (and me) that she loves him and that I don't deserve him (she thinks I don't love him as much as she can and does). This is another reason DH had a weakness for her.

I have nothing to do with OW, who does not live in this country anymore, but unfortunately we are connected through many people so I do hear about her.

DH hasn't blamed me/our marriage on him having the affair.

For everyone who has said he has to leave, unfortunately, he wont move out and has even used emotional blackmail (threatened to kill himself - can't live without me or kids) to stay. I have not got anywhere else to go and am a STAHM, which also means that I am not financially independent. So stuck for now!

The only way I can get out of this situation is to try and forget about it and move on. This does not mean an emotional (or sexual relationship wit DH but just getting on for the sake of my sanity.

You are never stuck. There are organisations that will help you if you want to leave.

I know, I only say 'stuck' because I do want to leave him but as I mentioned before, I don't want to upset the DC's lives right now. My son has an important year at school and has exams looming, so they do not deserve having to deal with parents divorcing.

On another thread on mumsnet recently, the poster mentioned that one of her DC took an overdose and the other is not coping. I do not think my DC will go to this length but my heart does not want them to suffer for DH's mistakes. They love him dearly and they will suffer.

If I didn't have children, I would have left a long time ago.

There's a whole load more going on in this marriage than infidelity, I'm afraid.

If your H loved you properly, he would have honoured your wish for him to leave. He would not have tried to control you by threatening suicide. If he loved you, he would completely accept your need to talk to others and get some support. As I recall from your previous threads, you lost a lot of friends because of this affair and many of those people believed what the OW was saying and took her side. This left you even more isolated. To deny you the opportunity to talk to the people you've got left is controlling and abusive.

You have plenty of choices actually. Think really hard about whether you are staying put because of the DCs and their challenging year ahead. If that is 100% true, that choice has a consequence, for them as well as you. They will face another year in what must be an intolerable atmosphere in your household and another year of a flawed model of a relationship.

If you cannot forgive (and there's no reason why you should) then stop this charade. Don't stay with someone who really doesn't love you enough, just because you don't think you can manage on your own. If your DCs are older, then you can work and get some financial independence.

And DO talk to others about this, if you think those individuals will be supportive and helpful. Don't talk to anyone who will blame you for any of this though.

He may be sorry, but he sounds far more sorry about being found out than remorseful about what he did. If he genuinely gave a pair of fingers about your feelings he would give you space if you asked for it. I am reasonably confident in saying that a man who is too selfish to say "no" to a bit on the side is also too selfish to kill himself. On the other hand, if he is so unbalanced that he genuinely might harm himself because he has been asked to take himself off to a bedsit for a few weeks (unlikely, in the absence of more convincing symptoms), is he stable enough to be round your children?

Look, you don't have to throw him out if you don't want to (you owe us strangers on the internet even less than you owe that cheating lying scumbag of an H) and if it doesn't suit you. Do what you want to do, to your timetable, and reserve the right to change your mind at any time, stay or go, forgive or not. Why should you and your children suffer because of what he has done wrong? Suffer more than necessary, I mean - obviously there is the emotional fallout. But don't for one moment feel you have to bend over backwards to accommodate the scumbag.

Or, what WWIFN said, word for word, as always.

WWIFN, Annie, everyone in fact, thank you for just 'listening' and giving me advice.

I am very confused about what to do, sometimes I still wonder if DH is remotely telling the truth (that he loves me and that he only met her to sort things out).

WWIFN, your words are so helpful, you must think I am weak, which I guess I am because I should have left him. You may recall that my FIL also lives with us and he is quite old now, so if he also has to leave and anything happens to him, I would probably be blamed for that too. I guess part of my personality is that I am not confrontational and unfortunately my weakness is my undecisiveness. I need someone to shake me and make me do it.

I mentioned the 'airing our dirty laundry' part because I was re-reading a letter which DH wrote some time back, in which he talked about the impact it would have on our relationship and it just got me thinking about whether I should not talk about what happened to friends or family.

I have spoken to a few friends, they understand but they agree they if they were in my position, it would be difficult to get divorced.

I have been to relate in the past and I am considering going again. I asked DH to go on his own to sort himself out but he said he would only go if we both went together. Maybe I was being difficult but I refused as it didn't help last time and I felt that he was the one with the problems.

Yes. I also seem to remember your H claiming that despite a 3 year affair and a subsequent weekend away with the OW months after discovery, they never had sex?

I think I remember wondering whether you come from a culture where divorce is frowned upon and women are expected to put up or shut up? If so - and your friends are also from this culture, I wouldn't put much store by what they are saying.

Yes, your FIL might be an innocent victim in this (although I wonder how he brought your H up and where he got his behaviour and attitudes from) but that is his son's fault, not yours.

I suspect your H is manipulating you hugely and trading off your beliefs and propensity to take responsibility for other people's behaviour. I'm glad you've got MN, because I have a horrible feeling that whoever you speak to in RL will collude with your H's belief that if you divorce, it will be your fault. It isn't - it's HIS.

Men who cheat have a vested interest in you not airing your dirty laundry in public. Added to this women who do are generally labelled badly - money-grabbing, emotionally unstable, unable to cope, over-emotional etc. We have been led to believe that it is bad to talk to other people about our feelings/problems as it paints men in a bad light. Of course none of these things are true. The man's actions paint him in the bad light not your actions.

The situation you find yourself in is only going to get worse. You are never going to be able to trust him because he isn't behaving in a trustworthy manner. The important thing to focus on is you trying to be happy. You sound as if you don't want to be with him, he isn't making you happy so you need to get him to leave. Finances can be sorted out, the children will cope and if you are happier they will probably be happier.

Your H feels that he is got you trapped in a situation that you feel you can't get out of. He is emotionally blackmailing you; his FIL is staying; he is trying to isolate you by discouraging talking to friends and family. However, you aren't trapped. You can get out of the situation. FIL is his responsibility not yours. The affair is his responsibility, not yours. What he does after the relationship has ended is his responsibility, not yours. This is his fault.

Talk to your family and friends. Let them know what is going on. You will probably find much empathy and help offered there. If not, well you need to look at what their interests are . Speak to CAB. Start doing something and doors will open and you will start feeling better - because you are taking control of the situation. You can find that strength to end the relationship and you will be happier for it.

WWIFN - I think you have hit the nail on the head - when I read MN, most replies/comments head down the divorce route.

I come from a culture where my parents stayed together no matter what, although cheating on partners was uncommon then. I however, was born and raised in Britain but had to stick by traditions (Hindu but not religious and liberal in most things), including looking after the in-laws, when I had two young children to look after too. I think a lot has to do with our upbringing - respecting elders, marriage being about a partnership, not always sex or love. In many ways, I am the first generation born in Britain with a Western attitude but still having the expectation of being the 'good wife' and breaking free is so difficult. It would bring shame to not only Dh's family but to a lesser extent, my family too.

I do now know DH is using emotional blackmail but it has made me stronger in knowing not to trust him. I have lost respect for him. So many friends praise DH for his achievements (education/career). He is very charming and can talk to anyone about anything (unlike me, a bit shy) and I find it so difficult to agree with them, as I do not see him this way at all any more.

WWIFN - although this may explain my indecision to file for divorce, it doesn't help making the decision, if you understand?