Airing 'my' dirty laundry?

[itsallmadness]

I have posted here before, but in summary my Dh had an affair for three years, I found out and twice after he has had contact with OW (who was my BF).

After the last incident some 6 months ago, my head was spinning daily and I think my mental state was so confused. All I could think about was how DH had lied and deceived me. He refused to leave stating he loved me and the kids and that he didn't want OW (who also managed to 'mess' my head with her lies). He claims he only met her for closure and to understand why she lied about him to her friends.

This weekend I decided to put it behind me and move on with my life otherwise I would end up miserable and depressed. I know it's not the solution but at the moment, neither is divorce (two dh who are going through an important time in school - exams etc).

One question I wanted to ask is that by my talking to friends, for some support, my DH claims I was airing our dirty laundry and degrading our relationship to others. I know this is partially true, is it better to not tell anyone then? I ask because I was desperate to tell my mum, who has no idea how miserable I have been for 5 years (i'm very good at hiding my feelings). Should I just deal with this on my own - ie not to talk to anyone any more?

Scallopsgreat - x-posted.

Thanks for your reply. I think I need to draw courage to tell my mum, although I am not sure how much support she can give.

what an awful, awful man

he is trying to limit the support you can get

if you need to talk about what happened with others, then you have every right

how dare he ?

he wrecked your marriage, not you

please take control and do what makes you happy...not him, not your FIL, not (in the short term) even your children

all these problems are of his own making, and tbh, now he has got away with it with relatively few consequences he will shit on you again

If you really do not want to leave him (yet?) I can understand that. Can you sit down with him and agree a basis for the relationship going forward - you do not want to upset your children but then you have the right to a stress free life too.

Maybe you could get a part time job that would give you some confidence and a life away from the closeness of the home, and some much needed space?

That could be the begining of getting your life back when / if you do decide to split up.

The most important person in this saga at rpoesent is YOU - children I agree are important but it helps no one for you to be miserable, and be of no doubt they will be aware there are problems.

Take some time, get a some hobbies / friends of your own and slowly but surely build on what you want from him in the future

Good luck

If this man's own father lives with you, then surely it ought to be more important that nothing happens to rock the boat at home?

How bloody DARE he pile on the responsibility of this affair of HIS onto your shoulders. If I leave what about my poor father, if I leave what about the DC... Erm why didn't HE think about that in the THREE YEARS he was cozying up to this thoroughly poisonous individual?

He wrecked it all, he had it all in the palm of his hand and for the sake of a fling with a woman who clearly has no respect for herself let alone a supposed friends's marriage.

He deserves NOTHING, not a thing, only a hobnailed boot up his arse and his possessions scattered about the pavement.

No affair is a good affair, but the one that is between a woman's H and her Friend is particularly cruel, utter betrayal by TWO trusted people, AND the ripping of a vital support network from your life.

I know that there are people connected to this OW and you, but make sure they know what she has said and done, and remind people that you never, ever want to hear about her because of it.

Repeat the same about your H too. The laundry is only dirty because THEY made it so.

He is only insisting on you going to counselling because he knows you won't go... Why?, because the way you are feeling is right, you HAVE been let down, there is no way to help you feel better about what this man has done to you because he is STILL not taking full responsibility for it.

If he were, he'd not be talking of HATE of the OW. He HATES the fact it all came out into the open, that's what he HATES.

You have to put YOU first, ONLY when you are happy, contented, relaxed and confident can you provide the very best environment for your DC to grow and develop. By sticking this out, you are somehow teaching them that what your H and his OW did to you is OK, and nothing really important. Sticking with this is devaluing you every day, to yourself and to your DC.

You are worth more than this, draw up all the strength you need from wherever you need it and ROAR. Demand your space, your rights and his departure.

Good fucking God, how are you managing to live with this man in your house??? I am sorry, but I would have to kick him out. Please don't kid yourself it is better for the children to let him stay, because it rarely is. You need to put yours and your children's emotional welfare ahead of any financial considerations.

Airing dirty laundry is good. It doesnt make it clean but it does mean that the stench of your husband's betrayal will be a little easier to live with. Mke sure your husband knows this.

If you do choose to talk to people, dont do it apologetically or with shame. Do it with self-respect. Make your husband a hissing and a byword for contemptible behaviour. If you choose, make it clear that you are staying with him to provide stability for your DCs not because you have any interest in your husband's happiness.

I spent years defending my H.

Then I found out what he'd said the H of my best friend.

I told him, to make me look bad, you had to lie. For me to to make you look bad I tell the truth.

It feels awful doing it, but it's better than people believing the shit he comes out with.