Any mums who left the kids with their dad?

[sw2]

sitting here, feeling rather miserable and completely unable to sleep. I thought if i read through my posts from five years ago,it would remind me how nothing ever changes, and it has. but still cant get to sleep :(

Its usually the man who leaves the relationship and the woman is left with the kids. For a lot of reasons, that make perfect sense within the constraints I had, Ive had to leave my kids with their dad. I go back home every weekend, but its sooo hard. He is nasty and mean to me. Kids are amazing, they know and understand why I cant be there, but I know that the middle one has been known to cry himself to sleep. :(
Is there anyone else who has had to do this.

Cant offer any advice as dont know your circumstances but my mum left me,my brother and sister when i was 13,my sister 5 and brother only 1.

It is only as i have grown up and had children that it has really begun to effect me and i honestly cant see how anyone could do it but like i say, i dont know your circs.
My mums reason was purely selfish...to go off with another man.
We used to have a good relationship but now we dont as i have alot of resentment towards her.

She used to pick us up once a week and even then i thought that wasnt enough.Seeing your own mum once a week when you need her the most?
Everyone used to whisper about her in the playground and it was just horrible.

Im not having a go,just giving you a perspective from my side...is there any way you can maybe see your kids a bit more?

Hi sw2 - I am really sorry you are in this situation and that your (x)h is "nasty and mean" to you - does he have to be around when you see your children? Is there any way that you and their dad can share time with the children so that you get a larger chunk of time than you get now? I really hope things look up for you and that you and your kids feel better soon.

Why didn't they go with you?

My mil left dh and bil when they were children. They see her but both harbour resentment and don't have a great deal of respect for her. This has exacerbated as they now have children of their own.

I think some children will cry themselves to sleep whichever parent leaves. You just need to make them understand that not being there doesn't mean you love them any less.

Although it is hard, it can be even harder for children living with 2 parents who don't want to be together.

We were left with our Dad but like funkydemon, it was purely for selfish reasons and she has not tried to make contact with me since we moved in with my Dad 24 years ago (we lived with her first).

Depending on age of children, do they know why you are not there? They need to know it is not their fault.

My Mum left my Dad when I was eight, and I'm so, so glad she did. It was a horrible atmosphere to be in when they were married. I'm really grateful to her for making a positive decision, for getting out of an unhappy relationship and for changing all of our lives for the better.

It was an adjustment - of course - but so much better afterwards. I got to spend quality time with each parent, rather than horrible time with both of them fighting, etc.

I left my two ds's with their father. It was the only way I could get out of the house safely (physically & mentally), but I always planned to get them back.

Unfortunately it gave xh the opportunity to work his evil way on them, and they both decided that they wanted to stay with him. Ds2 came to live me shortly after this, but ds1 remained with xh. This was because ds1 was 14, and xh was letting him do what he wanted basically! That was why ds2 was "allowed" to live me, he was younger and needed looking after more. Xh only wanted them for financial reasons and once the courts decided he had to sell the house or buy me out he wasn't interested any more.

Surprisingly, it hasn't affected my relationship with either of my sons. I'm really close to both of them, and they both saw enough violence and abuse over the years to understand why I did what I did.

sw2 are you going through the courts at the moment?

I am guessing that the sort of person who would be posting at 3am on MN has very good reasons for leaving and is suffering.I have no experience to offer just dont let your hs nastiness mean you give up on your dc

thank you for you thoughts and stories.

I havent left for a man. I left because of the constant fighitng and rubbish. Last night i looked up my old threads on mumsnet, from six years ago, and they are the same rubbish that still goes on. kids are older, but rubbish is the same. and kids are growing up in atmosphere of constant fighting, and nastiness.
I dont want to repeat all that crap here. Its well documented both on mn, and with local police station. probly hv has some stuff too.

kids know why i am here, in a different city, and why i cant be with them. They came to drop me off with my family when i first came here. they know i havent left them. I go home every weekend, as often as i can, and i do housework type stuff. at first it was lovely. absence making the heart grow not necessarily fonder, but, calmer. but the weekends are pretty crap again, and theirs lots of nastiness still. I am not going through courts, coz there is no point. he is a decent father in his own way, and the kids would suffer horribly financially if i did. I cant have them with me, as no finances to keep them, and besides,i tried that a few years ago, and he made it impossible for me.

I tell myself that i am doing the right thing, but sometimes, i just dont believe it. My family support me a hundred percent. but, sometimes, i think about the damage i am doing them.
today is a better day. last night i was feeling very very low. thank you all for your kind words.

yes, i have. both before i left the marital home, and a few years ago when i tried to get him to leave.

I dont know what to do about the myth about him being a good dad.
is it better to have two parents who live with each other who cant have a civil conversation with each other and always shouting and screaming at each other. or one parent who is less than ideal, but there is no constant shouting and screaming and fighting?

yes dittany, i know this. but, i couldnt. in an ideal world, id have kicked him out, kept my kids, taken him through the courts for every penny, met a wonderful man, and lived happily ever after.

but thats not how life works.

I just wanted to hear from anyone who has any experience of this situation, and know what they thought, felt, went through.

Bottom line sw2

me and my kids come as a package there is no way on earth l would have left them regardless of the circumstances. we would live together in a tent if need be.

They need to be with you

sw2 I have done this.

I wanted to split up with my DH but he refused to move out of the family home. Our DC are older teens with their own rooms and stuff. I am lucky I can afford to support myself so I left and moved into a little house 500 yards from the family home.

Initially the DC were upset and resentful but now they pop in for tea, come to supper and sleep over occasionally and we manage a family supper with me AND DH every sunday. I grit my teeth often

but I can't move further away without losing contact with them. I miss them very much and they miss me but DH is quite controlling and makes us all dance to his tune.

I know you had to leave to keep your sanity. You would not be a good mother to your DC if you were living with an abuser. Getting them out would be better but sometimes you have to save yourself first.

Don't take all the blame. He is responsible too.

Be careful though sw3, one of my friends warned me that I shouldn't become a live out housekeeper instead of a live in housekeeper. Don't do the housework! He wants to keep the kids and run the house, let him sort it out.

You sound very final, like there's no possibility for change in your situation.

You tried once and failed. Try again.

There are so many women on here that can help, yours is not a unique situation.

It would be different if he was a reasonable person who would behave sanely with your kids, but he's not from what you've said. So this is not a civilised divorce where the custody is amicable.

My best friend's Mum left their violent dad and had to move very very far away to escape him. They had no money- running out of food no money, but that didn't last for ever and she's very grateful her mum took her with her. Everyone else thought their dad was a saint.

There are benefits/hostels and so forth. Why can't you go down that route?

I can't see how things are better for you or your kids now.

The other option is not to move back with him, it's to get all of you away.

Suffering horribly financially is just rubbish btw. They are suffering horribly without their mummy and couldn't give a stuff about where they live or what material stuff they have.

My sister in law is in a similiar situation. She has been married for 22 years and has 3 kids. He has consistantly beaten her for all but the last 18 months and i think that is more due to the boys becoming tall and strong and coming infront of their mum on a couple of occasions. That must have been awful for them. The eldest daughter is depressed and has even tried to overdose.
We have told her so many times to leave but she won't take the final step as she has health issues and can't work and is scared stiff about how she will feed and house her kids. We can only help so much but always let her know we are there for her. I get annoyed sometimes that she won't do something for her kids but it is very difficult when you are in that situation and the one to actually take the step after years of abuse.

I don't know your situation but wanted to give you a different perspective.

My dh's ex asked for her son to come and live with us 8 years ago as she couldn't cope with him for a variety of reasons. She has done a lot of awful things both before and since then but I respect her having the strength at that time to do what she thought was best for her son.

It doesn't have to be the case that dc's stay with Mum so don't feel bad if this is right for you all.

However, if it is not right, then you can fight for what is right and finances, however scary, will be cope-able if you get good advice and support.

I must say I don't like the idea of a parent (mum or dad) coming 'home' at weekends and doing housework. I think you need to decide if you live there or not and if that decision is with or without the dc's. Only when you are clear where you are will you and your dc's really move forward.

Good luck with whatever you do and keep strong

thank you for your messages.
I'm tired of being strong. so tired of it. but the alternative is to do what your sister is doing, and rubyx, and ive done that for long enough.
LIfe sucks.

My mum left and it is only now I have dc of my own that I realise how hard it must have been for her to do it. I think she felt incredibly bad about it and that it was something she couldn't ever make up to us and we ended up being more akin to friends than having a traditional mother/daughter relationship. I now appreciate that she must have been in a really desperate situation to go through with leaving my brother and I and I don't have any bad feelings towards her because of it although am fiercely loving towards my own dc to compensate and funnily enough, she is too!

I think you are making excuses. My DH is not violent or abusive and I wouldn't leave my children with him. If he was violent I would have even more reason to take my children with me.

No man, no court of law, no one, no issue would stand between me and my responsibility to love and protect my children.

Your son's need you to be a mum to them. I do not subscribe to this modern hocus pocus idea that parents are of equal value.

If your husband is as bad as you imply, then why do feel so safe to visit and be in the same house for two days, safe for two, safe for seven! Not safe, then neither are your children, so do something.

SW2 - are you frightened what he might do if you tried to get your sons to leave? Would you feel physically at risk?
Have tried to find the post where you gave DSs ages but can't find it. How old are they again? How long ago did you leave?
In terms of material wealth, it's probably way down the list of your sons' priorities. It's easy for me to say, but are you absolutely sure you have looked into every possiblity of having them live with you?
I only ask because as an abusive husband, I'm sure he will have bullied you and pressured you so much into thinking that you have no hope of your children being able to live with you,but this is not necessarily true.

You are ruling out the possibility of them living with you too soon IMHO.

It is very unlikely that they are living a harmonious life under this man's roof. They might not have to listen to thier parents arguing now, but they more than likely have to live with him directing his abuse at them.

As he is such a bully - he is perhaps threatening them so that they put on a brave face at the weekend. Also they are probably sensitive to your needs, and are reluctant to tell you how unhappy they are.

The best option is that they live with you. There is always a way. He will try and paint you as an unfit mother, but as your boys are in their teens, their opinions must be considered.

You are miserable and I'd bet my life that they are too...what an awful situation. You and your DSs should be together.

SW i am so sorry you have taken this very difficult decision.

you are staying with family now? do your children want to live with you? I would just take them and bring them to your family. get yourself onto a waiting list for social housing. i know it may seem impossible for you to have thme with you but it isn't it really isnt.