What to do if you are failing as a mother?

[MummieHunnie]

Hi,

I wonder if you could talk this through with me please?

I started off as a mum, being quite anxious, did not sleep well as was worried until both babies were a year old, incase of cot death, no obvious reason for this, the only thing I can think of is that when I was little my mother hemoraged infront of me and lost a baby and both parents were like loons with negativity the whole of my first pregnancy due to their experience of loosing a baby. Also both babies had gastric reflux, so I never felt that I could relax day or night until three years after becoming a mother.

I worked really hard, reading books and going to parenting classes to help me become a good mum, I bent over backwards to get it right!

I cooked from scratch, played with children, kept a good home, went out of my way to teach them, did homework with them, took them to all sorts of classes, holidays, day trips, lovely clothes, toys, loads of friends and interactions with others, anything to make thier life good for them.

I failed them in several ways I had no idea I was failing them in. I was inconsistant, soft and put them and myself in a situation with an emotional abuser (their father). I would get horrific pmt, and would shout at them to tidy up.

I feel very bad for those times.

Their father then left me for ow. He and ow played lots of psychological games with me. I coped quite well with it for about a year, and due to other people around me also being toxic, I eventually had a breakdown after loads of court cases and the emotional abuse from exh that got worse with him and ow's stuff, which I feel I am over now, however still putting myself back together.

When I was going through the breakdown, when I had pmt and was under horendous pressure I would shout at the children and tell them their bad points as I was upset at the tidying up. It was my fault that I was a poor mum and that was why they had those bad points and were not tidying up after themselves. I also allowed the youngest to bully me.

I have since the breakdown realised that a lot of people in my lif are toxic and have began to build up new boundaries. We have a very closed boring life now, which is not the long term intension, it is just something I needed to have to recover from all the stress and strain that I had for a number of years.

I am concerned that due to all the bad influences I had in life that I have some sort of codepencancy problems and I am scared that I have borderline personality disorder, as that goes with narcacisim which is something I think my exh had. I was looking up bpd mothers and by the looks of it they are the worst sort of mother you could be lumbered with, they are the most destructive and damaging.

I am wondering if the children would be better off and have a better chance in life if someone else brought them up instead of me, I think I have done enough damage and I feel very bad and guilty for messing up their lives so far, they have no family and a wrecked few years because of me.

Hi MH. It's no wonder you're feeling fragile after all that you've been through but I don't think it will help you to label yourself. A mother who is completely unaware of her own issues is damaging, whatever diagnosis. Your posts show you to be very aware of the way you behave and that you are making changes. That's more important to your children than having no mother.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. You have suffered emotional abuse and mental illness which has caused you to behave in a particular way which you recognise has not been ideal, but I think your children are still better off with a mum who clearly loves them and wants what's best for them.

I don't know what sort of therapy you had following your nervous breakdowns, but it might be an idea to speak to your GP or HV about counselling or cognitive behaviour therapy to help with how you are feeling now. Please don't think that you're failing as a mum, you really aren't!

I only had the one breakdown , I don't like to think of myself as having had a mental illness, it makes me think of my father and I have no way been as bad as he has been when he was ill, it's not easy to admit that you have had a breakdown, I have stripped away that soft, sociable, people pleasing, try hard, doormat and I have been trying to find myself, as I did a swing to a hard, antisocial person, I know I am not either and am trying still all this time later to settle into who I am, and I needed space to settle after all the drama and negativity.

I asked to see a psychologist, who I started to see in the summer, I mentioned that I was scared I had some sort of codependancy issues, she has never told me I have anything other than a low self esteem, and I am too scared to ask her if she thinks I have something wrong with me other than anxiety and depression. I don't have much anxiety anymore since seeing her, I have some, just very little now a days. The depression has also changed, it is not as bad.

Bookcase, I worry if i have bpd, that the inconsistancy is going to damage the children, my oldest says that this is the hardest part of living with me. I feel bad for them, as it must be so hard for them. I tell them to look at everyone in their lives to see what is normal and not to trust one person's view on it, as I am scared they will think their life with me and their family was normal and it wasn't. I then worry that even telling that sort of stuff will mess them up and they should just not have that kind of crap to deal with. I worry that it must make them feel scared that I am all that they have, and what if they don't know any better than living with me now? I haven't had pmt the last few months, I still worry that I can get quite angry about things, and have to go and spend time alone or have a rant that they hear as I can't help myself about something shitty someone has done! I can't seem to help myself when i do it, and I wonder if they would be better off with someone else for them to grow into their full potential?

I have felt the exact same at times. It is hard to deal with the demands of children when you are stressed every day and at the point of exploding about other issues.

I wonder if maybe you should get a referral to a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. You may have been simply suffering from severe stress. Sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder. That is what I was told when I was (and still am) completely scared stiff with visions about irrational things, for example if my mother-in-law help my son at the top of stairs (not even close to edge) I sometimes suffer thoughts of him being dropped and horrible gory images and get really really horrible physical effects of anxiety.

CBT can help with this

xx

I agree with Bookcase - you sound very self-aware. What makes you think you have BPD? I don't think codependency is any indicator even if you are codependent.

You sound like you have coped remarkably well in very difficult circumstances and have done and are doing exactly what you need to do to make your life and your children's lives better.

You know that things weren't ideal in your children's early years BUT your life is very different now and your children need their mother who loves them. There's no point beating yourself up about what happened before - you are being very hard on yourself. Look at what you have achieved since then - because of that your children have a happy future and a strong role model to look up to.

Also, can you take anything for the PMT? Have you spoken to the doctor about this?

Once the children were past that first year, I was find with the cotdeath thing and the gastric reflux was grown out of so the anxiety went then. I was always was more on the anxious side of things due to my childhood, I also was very chilled and relaxed and calm and funny, happy etc, it was when I had pmt that I became depressed/angry for a few days and then when my exh and the ow started all the psychological games and severe emotional abuse that I got to a point where I had to face that he was abusive and it was devistating to learn I had lived with someone like that for so long and had no idea, that along with all the court cases ongoing for years was the catalist for a breakdown. I didn't have irrational fears other than the cotdeath really in my life, most of my fears were based on reality. I do think that I was over fearfull though and that other people would have probably dealt with it better than I did. I had never had a panic attack in my life until the death threats and they ended when the family court case was over, and the only other one I had after that was last year when I went to a private therapist to help me to put the court stuff behind me, and she pushed me to speak about bits of the court case that were traumatic and it gave me a severe panic attack and the only disassociation experience of my life, I never saw her again and that was what made me go to my gp!

The psychologist has not discussed what therapy we are doing?! does it matter?

Malinkey, regarding the pmt yes I told gp and psychologist about it, they didn't suggest anything for it, no idea why.

I would never leave my children's lives, I know they need me, what I was wondering was if they would do better living with someone else and having contact with me as if I was a non resident parent, I was wondering if they would do better growing up with someone who was sorted rather than someone who was taking years to sort themselves out?

What about trying evening primrose oil and see if that helps with the pmt?

Also, I forgot to say before, you mustn't take the blame for your ex - it's not your fault he was abusive. And being a bit soft on your children isn't the end of the world. I think your low self-esteem is making you think so badly of yourself.

Have you spoken to the psychologist of your fears about BPD? (I'm no expert but I thought that people with personality disorders weren't very likely to think that they had them?)

I'm sure your children wouldn't want to live with someone else. Better to take a long time to sort yourself out than to be like any of the people you've had in your life who've been bad influences and probably have no idea what a nightmare they are!

It sounds as if you were coping fine until the problems with your ex. I wonder if all that brought up the issues from your childhood and now you're having to deal with the fallout from both things.

The fact that you remove yourself when you get angry now says alot for how far you have come. I think if you keep telling your children you love them and that it's not their fault, you will all come through this.

I am thinking I need to have to face this particular one with the psychologist, I hate the idea of her asking me why do I think it, why do I want to know, and then if she did say I had something she would be asking me how did I feel about it etc, I cringe and go cold at having to answer that sort of thing, I would just like to know and go home and deal with it on my own for a bit and take it in if I do!

I will try primrose oil if I get pmt again, the only anger I have had is due to shitty things happening from toxic people.

Malinkey I don't think as a child I would have wanted to live with someone other than my parents either, it would have been better for me in the long run!

Bookcase, yes what happened with my exh was the catalist to dealing with the childhood, you are right.

Do you really think that will be enough Bookcase? I tell them that it is not their fault every few months, I look them in the face and tell them that things that have happened have not been their fault as I don't want them to think that, I tell them I love them all the time! I am scared that is not going to be enough though.

You seem to be expecting alot from yourself MH. Plenty of mothers are inconsistent and a little on the softer side. It's not surprising, given your past.

From what you have said, it sounds like you need to rebuild your confidence as a mum.

You've made mistakes. It won't do your children any harm to see that you are fallible. What's important is that you show them that you are putting yourself back together.

Can you pick out the positive things from the negative you did with your children?

Bookcase, I was told by my exh and a cafcass officer I was a failure as a Mum, I will never forget reading that the cafcass man said my children will do badly with me in life, it sticks in my mind. I keep a hold of that stuff and I can't seem to let it go, rationally I know that the exh was projecting his being a poor parent onto me now, and I know that the cafcass man had no contact with his own kids and believed my exh's story and even when exh was shown as a liar, the cafcass man could not accept that it was the case and blamed the exh's behaviour on me, that was why I went to have therapy as I was and still am so damaged by their accusations of calling me a bad mother and picking every single thing I did and every single behaviour or fault I had and ripped me to shreds I still feel like a shit mother.

Tell me about your children MH.

Bookcase, I did my best before exh left, I did the best I could under the circumstances when I was under severe stress. I feel a bit stuck now as I am at a point where I can do more physically (was having mobility issues) and mentally, I just have little motivation to do things, I feel kind of stuck as a Mum, now I am doing well at last, and I am finding it hard to get back to being the motivated Mother I was before exh left. I think that someone else may do a better job than me.

I can't right now Bookcase.

Okay Mh. I hope I haven't upset you. I was hoping that you might be able to focus on the positive things about them.

Please don't keep beating yourself up. You are doing a good job under difficult circumstances. Your children want you, nobody else.

Bookcase, you haven't upset me, if I had written stuff about the children, I would have gotten upset. I wanted my Mum and no one else, she was not good for me, how do I know if I am good for my children or how do they know I am good for them? This is why I am struggling come to think of it, I am unsure due to my past, and the person I trusted and controlled me is telling me I am bad, and a professional who I do know with my rational mind has his own agenda, was picking me apart as a person, and I am left doubting myself still.

I remember telling someone when all that stuff with family court was going on that I felt like cafcass were holding me down and letting my exh rape me psychologically, that person shouted at me and told me stop making out it was worse than it was and told me that rape was far worse and to stop comparing them, so I went back into my shell again.

I can see where you're coming from about your mum but you are not your mum and, from your posts on the sh thread, you are determined to do things differently.

Would your mum have gone to therapy to get help? Would she have posted on a forum about how worried she was about her parenting?

Bookcase, my Mum would not have gone to therapy there is nothing wrong with her, everyone else has problems not her, she would not have admmitted that she was a poor parent, she was an excellent parent the best she often likes to say, and she has been told this by my father and the other people, so why would she doubt herself?

My Mum hinted once years ago, when I was still married that she felt that her relationship and divorce from my father had affected me and my Brother, I had been quite vocal once I became a Mum, once my dc were at school that I was upset that she had stayed with my Father so long, I had no idea then that she was mentally abusive herself, I just knew I was angry at her. I told my Father when my youngest was about 2 that he had been physically abusive, he had seriously no idea he was abusive, years later he asked his sister who confirmed he was abusive, he seriously had no idea what he did was physical abuse, I didn't even know properly what emotional abuse was! I tried to tell him a year ago that my Mum was a gaslighter, he would have none of it, and has not spoken to me or sent my dc anything, he does not want to know me, that is ok as I don't want to know him either, he is majorly mentally unwell, too abusive has no idea and no desire to know, he is far more nieve than I ever was and he has made it clear he is not interested in lifting the veil of truth and seeing himself or anyone else as they truely are, as he is not a well man it is probably best, he is bipolar, so if you get that kerry katona didn't want to know, imagine someone worse than that, uneducated and abusive physically and mentally and that is my father.