What to do if you are failing as a mother?

[MummieHunnie]

Hi,

I wonder if you could talk this through with me please?

I started off as a mum, being quite anxious, did not sleep well as was worried until both babies were a year old, incase of cot death, no obvious reason for this, the only thing I can think of is that when I was little my mother hemoraged infront of me and lost a baby and both parents were like loons with negativity the whole of my first pregnancy due to their experience of loosing a baby. Also both babies had gastric reflux, so I never felt that I could relax day or night until three years after becoming a mother.

I worked really hard, reading books and going to parenting classes to help me become a good mum, I bent over backwards to get it right!

I cooked from scratch, played with children, kept a good home, went out of my way to teach them, did homework with them, took them to all sorts of classes, holidays, day trips, lovely clothes, toys, loads of friends and interactions with others, anything to make thier life good for them.

I failed them in several ways I had no idea I was failing them in. I was inconsistant, soft and put them and myself in a situation with an emotional abuser (their father). I would get horrific pmt, and would shout at them to tidy up.

I feel very bad for those times.

Their father then left me for ow. He and ow played lots of psychological games with me. I coped quite well with it for about a year, and due to other people around me also being toxic, I eventually had a breakdown after loads of court cases and the emotional abuse from exh that got worse with him and ow's stuff, which I feel I am over now, however still putting myself back together.

When I was going through the breakdown, when I had pmt and was under horendous pressure I would shout at the children and tell them their bad points as I was upset at the tidying up. It was my fault that I was a poor mum and that was why they had those bad points and were not tidying up after themselves. I also allowed the youngest to bully me.

I have since the breakdown realised that a lot of people in my lif are toxic and have began to build up new boundaries. We have a very closed boring life now, which is not the long term intension, it is just something I needed to have to recover from all the stress and strain that I had for a number of years.

I am concerned that due to all the bad influences I had in life that I have some sort of codepencancy problems and I am scared that I have borderline personality disorder, as that goes with narcacisim which is something I think my exh had. I was looking up bpd mothers and by the looks of it they are the worst sort of mother you could be lumbered with, they are the most destructive and damaging.

I am wondering if the children would be better off and have a better chance in life if someone else brought them up instead of me, I think I have done enough damage and I feel very bad and guilty for messing up their lives so far, they have no family and a wrecked few years because of me.

mh, I have a lot of the same doubts about myself as a mother that you do. Sometimes it helps me to remember that you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be good enough.
Everyone makes mistakes. If you can admit them and apologise for them as you have done with your children, that makes a huge difference. They know you love them.
The first therapist and the cafcass man sound appalling and incompetent. It sounds as though you are still having trouble opening up to the psychologist you're talking to now. Perhaps they are not the right fit for you, or perhaps you just need more time. But after your previous experience of being treated horribly after trusting someone, it's not surprising that it's hard to tell them all your worries.

Quiddy, I have told her of concerns I have for the youngest, that were there before exh left, that got used against me during family court, she thinks it is a good idea for the youngest to have therapy, I am struggling as i think she does, and there is a bit inside of me that does not trust, and I have been open about this with psychologist, I explained that cafcass would lie to me and pretend they believed me and were going to give my children therapy to tell them I was lying and their father was really not abusive (as they believed him) my friend told me not to trust them and she was right, as cafcass carried on ripping into me when I went to court, so they lied to me and were going to mess with the kids how do I know if someone else will do that, I do know my exh was abusive, and I even gave cafcass two bits of evidence, number one was a recording of his treats including death threats, which the police downloaded, and cafcass did not believe me as he had no police record, you don't for harrassment! They said how do they know it was him or where I got the recording from. The other was photographic and email evidence, which they said was his despiration after I had driven him to it. Cafcass made up their mind he was not abusive and that was the end of it as far as they were concerned.

Matthew's mum thanks for your post x

I was about to say the same as Mat2002 about
the therapist u are seeing sounds no right
It also sounds like you google a lot about "mental hillness"... Hey I do the same too I can relate to a lot of what you are writing (is it ok to hug on MN?)
you have already come a long way, do get to see s/o for therapy. You understand enough to make an informed choice of the kind of therapy, do ask before you commit
Try to deal with your PMS in different ways to
Evening Primerose is always a good start, a good diet too, no salt, do gardening or better still digging and planting a week before you period, long walks plenty of water, all pretty basic stuff but easy to forget.
Friend of mine suggests 2 type of therapies, one is called The Inner Child, the other would be the 10 days meditation/silence/yoga (very holistic I know but people swear by it cannot remember the name, anyone?) Also just very good to go away from it all if nothing else
What age are your dc?

JFTO, I googled narcacism a while back regarding exh, and I googled bpd around the same time, also two people I got friendly with after exh left were diagnosed as bpd, birds of a feather and all that.

I was reading some posts on sh thread, and I was wondering about some things and came across the bpd mother and it upset me and made me scared for my children.

I don't know what to do about the psychologist, I feel I have progressed in some ways with her, the anxiety for one is far better, and the pmt has gone, my anger is not as bad in general, I do think the things I got upset/angry about were related to former abusers. I think I will have difficulty trusting anyone in a powerful position for the rest of my life, and experience has showed me that is not such a bad thing.

Hello MummieHunnie, I am really sorry to see that you are feeling so low, especially when you've been a bedrock of support (& a kick up the arse ;-)) on threads from me.

Was really thinking about your post, and I want to draw your attention to two things really... (although has turned into a long two things sorry!)

First thing - how do you KNOW you are failing as a mum?

Before you think 'well its obvious i am', and repeat all the negative things you can see happening', lets just examine this a bit.

What's your benchmark of a 'good mum'? is it someone realistic? Is it someone who lives in a perfect family situation? Is this perfect parent someone who has had to deal with the reality of your life? I may be making a mistake here, but I do wonder if this 'good mum ideal' is perhaps not an attainable ideal?

Can you turn your self-critiquing on its head and think about the ways in which you are a good mum... what are you showing them thats positive about the way you are living? From your post,

I can see some things... you are showing them that its OK not to be perfect, as long as you (and therefore they) try and try to develop as a person. You are showing them that you are a strong person, that you have amazing resilience in the face of awful trauma - this is a great thing for them to see, to know you are tenacious and strong. And also, you had to fight for them, fight so so hard, which must show them that you love them with every core of your being right? You are also changing the way you are, and the life your children lead, so you are showing them that its possible to change the pattern of abuse handed down through generations, that's a pretty powerful message.

So although I don't want to suggest you put on rose tinted spectacles, I do think you are maybe missing some great values that you are showing your children.

I am just starting to read 'They fuck you up' by Oliver James, whose premise is that your parents screw you up and hardwire you to follow set scripts and realities which are hard to change. But even he says that even the best parent in the world will somehow screw their children up, because that's just reality... so maybe the key is to try your best, and show your children that you are trying as a fallible human, and give them the insight and values to be able to understand and build their own emotional strength as they grow up...

Second thing... counseling is about creating a safe space for you to explore your feelings. You don't sound like you have that. Is that because your trust has been so abused in the past? or because your current psych/ counselor is not helping you get that trust?

If its somewhat about the second reason, then you need to change psychologists/ psychiatrists, as you cannot progress in an atmosphere where you don't feel in control of the outcomes of the sessions. Listen to your gut on this one, as you shouldn't feel pushed into 'trusting' someone that you actually really don't trust.

oh and one more thing... it does sound like you are taking on the blame for situations other people caused for your children - does that ring true?

You are NOT responsible for your ex h abuse, for the way cafcass treated you (how bloody awful btw), and you do seem to be taking the blame for not being the perfect person when you showed stress and misery which would surely be a perfectly normal reaction in the circumstances?

How old are your children? are they old enough to talk to about those dark times? about how they felt? and how you felt? and how you are sorry about some of the things you said and didn't mean? and maybe talk about what they'd like in the future? and what little realistic steps you can take to get there?

Doublelife, there is a lot you pointed out that I had not though of, thank you for that, I will give that line of though too.

I don't think I am taking all the blame, believe me I was very very bitter and angry for some time towards exh, his woman and cafcass and how they contributed in hurting the children and me, all they did in the end is damage kids and exh damaged himself too, which I get all the blame for from him and his so he can live with himself. I am taking my share of the blame and quite rightly so, I was not thinking straight at all during all that rubbish, I lost my mind really after so much crap of it, I didn't sleep for years, I used to have my mind racing on how to prove things, how could I reason with exh to stop, I would rage, I would pray, ask myself who could I get to make him stop, how could I get him to stop and end the living nightmare, he was very ill mentally and he did not know how to stop, gosh living with someone else's insanity from afar that has such far reaching dangerous repercussions and not being able to prove it is like living in a psychological thriller of a movie, but it is real life and much longer than an hour and a half withouth the garantee of a happy ending, and in the end it made me quite ill hence the breakdown myself eventually.

I have spoken a bit at times to the children about the dark times, they don't like to speak about it, they don't bring it up very much it has been more me, triggered by something. They know it was a living hell for me, and they know I am going through a lesser living hell detaching from my family of origin. I just don't want any more of this crap in our lives, I want happiness, peace and positivity and I can't quite get there.

Who do I compare myself to, the person I tried to be before, the Mum who used to get complements on how good a Mum she was from various people, not the Mum I have been after exh left and am, the one people find fault with, I can't seem to get there.

Oh MummieHunnie you are taking on so much blame. You talk about being the mum that people find fault with but that was your awful experience with your ex and cafcass and as horrendous as that sounds it was in the past. But it sounds like you've taken over their role by blaming yourself now instead.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid at all? I don't know but they really might be able to help you process some of this stuff.

I think you sound incredible and your children are lucky to have you for their mother. No parents are perfect but being able to admit that you are wrong when you are and tell your children how much you love them is a good start. You sound so far removed from your own experience growing up - I'm sure you would have thrived with yourself as a mother (if that makes sense!).

FWIW (and my situation is nowhere near as horrible as yours) I had a similar thing about blaming myself for everything - I worried that I was the abusive one in my relationship (I wasn't!) and even worried about possibly having BPD too. But seeing it at a distance now I can see that this was purely down to low self-esteem. I am trying to be kind to myself and explore ways of trying to increase my self-esteem and just trying to be a 'good enough' parent. Does this ring true with you at all?

Somehow being able to accept that you did the best you could in the circumstances might help you forgive yourself - not that I think you necessarily have anything to forgive - just that you feel you do.

And don't wait until you have PMT to start taking evening primrose oil (I think you might be able to get it on prescription?) - I think it's a preventive measure so if you start taking it now then hopefully it will stop the PMT from happening.

Damn, typed a huge response then the page went down. The gist of it was, you're quite right to examine ways in which you can be a better parent; everyone has to do that as we go along, as no-one is born perfect and knowing everything. You are a strong person because you are able to face your own imperfections and keep struggling to improve, at a time when it would be easier to hide behind blaming others (they do have a lot to blame!). Your mother couldn't do that. Instead she pretended everything was perfect because she couldn't cope with it not being. Although you did see through that crazy smokescreen, you are probably still left with the feeling that mothers can and ought to be perfect, regardless of what life throws at them. It is unrealistic to expect this of yourself. The best thing you can do is to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes, something neither your parents nor your ex are capable of. Your children won't grow up perfect either - and it won't be all your fault! - but you'll still love them anyway, won't you? Love yourself too. Love yourself like a best friend who sees your faults, tells it to you straight, but doesn't think any the less of you for being merely human.

Nobody comes out of a bath of shit smelling of roses. You're in the uncomfortable process of scrubbing it off right now and it's quite painful sometimes, but you can look forward to being clean. Meanwhile your mother is insisting that odour really is roses, while your ex has waded back into the shit because he likes it there. Wouldn't you rather be you?

Hi there, I just wanted to add my support as I have also had experience of the "System" in a different context, on top of a difficult childhood (not intentionally abusive, the result of damaged people not understanding they were damaged and repeating their own scripts!).

I have been struggling for 16 years to come to terms with it all and have finally come to a point where I feel I have to stop, re-evaluate and heal. I'm on Citalopram and having TA therapy.

My catalyst has been my DS turning 16 - "They" can't take him now, and I can stop trying (and repeatedly failing) to be the "Perfect Mum" that I wasn't ALLOWED to be to start with, then no longer trusted myself to even try and be.

I think we are both grieving, for things we never had, and things we never had the chance to try and have.

I too worry constantly about the negative impact I have had on my DS and two DSDs. I simply try to explain and communicate whenever things go wrong, apologising sincerely if necessary and then moving on. Nobody gets it right all the time, but it is hard to forgive yourself when it feels you have been held to so much higher standards than most. Your involvement in the system has helped do that to you.

This Christmas, my DS couldn't find anything to buy me, so he taped three favourite photos from his childhood into a frame and wrote how he feels about me. It was lovely and made me cry. It helped a great deal, but still I worry.

Please be kind to yourself, if you can - I know it is hard. Try and keep the blame in the right places, and hold onto the fact that your children want YOU. That says absolute volumes about who you are. Keep communication open and as honest as appropriate. Secrets are sometimes the most toxic things.

I respect and admire you. ((( hug))))

Also, meant to suggest you read up on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as I also have looked at BPD and Narcissism, and worried I am like this.

CPTSD suggests BPD symptoms are actually sometimes more likely to be this. Good luck.

Thank you ALL so very much for your responses. I have been shopping after the school run and bought some things, a periodic table for oldest who loves science, it has been on my mind for some time to get one. I bought a family organiser for us all. I bought some english workbooks, as oldest has issues with spelling, and I want to go back over younger stuff to help with that myself rather than get a tutor, the school offered help, sadly it was during form time only and caused problems with missing important information. I had mentinoned yesterday that I wanted to do some work on basic spellings with the oldest as I was concerned regarding how poor the spelling was and was showing no improvement. I think if I can do some of this work with them, then it will help me feel better about my parenting skills again.

I did look into cptsd Toxickitten and wondered if I had had that during the trauma, also the psychologist touched upon that sort of thing, nothing was mentioned by her saying I had it though, so who knows.

Anniegetyourgun, thanks for sharing your experience, I am glad you feel safe as a parent now.

Mal, you speak such sense.

Er, the shared experience was ToxicKitten (fabulous name, fabulous post). I actually spared you my personal experiences on this occasion in favour of some general, but heartfelt, platitudes