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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

controlled

38 replies

Gracie2010 · 09/01/2011 16:28

I feel completely at a loss as to what to do. My partner is constantly telling me I have no friends and putting me down. I asked a friend to go shopping with me and it caused a huge argument, with him saying that 'fine, go if you want, no-one will look at you trust me!' Then aaid I wanted to go out without him because I'm an attention seeker. He also said I'm an embarrassment ans I don't know how much more of this I can take. Does anyone have any advice because I have no idea what to do for the sake of my 2 month old daughter. Thanks.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 09/01/2011 16:39

first of all...don't believe him!!! Smile

secondly, was he like this before you had your dd?

If its new behaviour, you need to sit him down and get him to discuss what is really up with him.

If its not, then things look much more bleak for your relationship

queenofboak · 09/01/2011 16:41

No real advice for you,but sorry you are in such a sad situation.

Bumping though so hopefully someone will be along soon.

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 16:47

this sounds like a really really big problem, rather than a little bi of jealousy. As an impartial outsider I'd say you need to start planning how to get out of this "relationship".

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 16:47

this sounds like a really really big problem, rather than a little bi of jealousy. As an impartial outsider I'd say you need to start planning how to get out of this "relationship".

HerBeatitude · 09/01/2011 16:48

Please read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

He sounds like a prize shit. What does he do for you to make you feel good?

FlyingSquirrel · 09/01/2011 16:48

Oh Jesus what a horrible man. Your poor dd, stuck with that for a father.

His treatment of you is despicable. Clearly he doesn't think very much of you.

I would leave him, for my sake and my dd's. I wouldn't want to raise any child thinking that was the way normal men behave, and that it's acceptible to put up with that.

Harsh but true. And a lot easier said than done, I know.

spidookly · 09/01/2011 16:54

You know this is abuse, don't you?

Call Women's Aid. They will help you.

Original poster
Gracie2010 · 09/01/2011 17:06

It got worse throughout my pregnancy if I'm honest, but I blame myself for not being stronger. When things are good, they're brill. When things are bad, I hate to say it but I can feel myself having so much resent for him. I haven't been out with anyone but. Him for over a year, my friends come to the house to see me as he causes so much trouble if I suggest just going out for dinner with a friend. Sometimes I get the courage to say ill leave, then everything seems fine and I'm lured into thinking things will blow over. I've also said ill go out for a couple of hours, regardless of what he says, and then he makes me feel guilty that I'm being a bad mum. Argh just hearing mw whine on is driving me mad!!

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 09/01/2011 17:10

Then you need to really think about this relationship and where it is going. He sounds like he is isolating you from your friends, destroying your confidence and controlling where you go. That is abuse and you do not deserve it....and it is never something you should blame yourself for!!

Also, this is what you will be showing your dd is a normal relationship. Do you really want her growing up with that message?

FlyingSquirrel · 09/01/2011 17:17

you blame yourself for 'not being stronger'???

Please excuse the bluntness.

If you were as strong as Arnold cocking Schwarzenegger your partner would still be a cunt.

His behaviour is not your fault. Ever. He's an adult, he is choosing to abuse you.

you are not whining on, you are not a bad mum, you are not a bad person, nor are you weak, an embarrassment or anything else he has told you you are, or that his abuse has caused you to feel

But there's no reason to be with this man.

How many times has he pushed, hit or 'bumped into' you roughly?

Because if he isn't now, he will one day.

HerBeatitude · 09/01/2011 17:24

He's grooming you to accept being battered.

The isolation, criticism, undermining etc., are the first steps in making you feel shit about yourself, so by the time he beats you up properly, you'll blame yourself not him.

Get that book. And I second what Spidookly said, phone WA. And make plans to get out.

Don't think that you're doing something bad to your DD by getting out. If you stay, she'll grow up thinking this is normal and it's what she will expect from a relationship. You'll be doing her an enormous favour if you leave this guy. Don't listen to him saying how awful it will be for her to grow up without a father - or anyone else. An abusive father isn't a headstart in life, quite the opposite.

HerBeatitude · 09/01/2011 17:29

Every time you say you'll leave, he starts to behave himself for a bit so he can pull you back in.

It's text-book abuser behaviour. I bet he's lovely for a couple of days isn't he, when you've stood up to him? And then he slides back into being abusive again.

What happens, is that the times when he's lovely get fewer and fewer and the times when he's undermining, controlling and nasty get more. At the moment he's not sure he's got you completely under control, so he has to be nice every now and then. Once he knows he controls you completely, he won't need to be nice to you so he'll stop. And you'll just be left with the nasty side of him.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 17:36

Please ring Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

do it today

you are in abusive relaionship, and it is going to escalate, I guarantee it

just tell them what you have told us

Original poster
Gracie2010 · 09/01/2011 17:45

Thanks so much for all your help everyone. I"ll keep you posted on the situation, but will be hard as I want to keep this private which is hard when the computer is in the living room! Thank you all again, its just made my day better having you all here to help x

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 09/01/2011 17:46

And we'll be here when you come back too Smile

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 17:50

we are always here

post when you can (and delete your browsing history)

mumonthenet · 09/01/2011 18:56

the warnings signs

See if you recognise anything here (bet you will!)

Do you know how to delete your history?

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 19:29

Please keep telling yourself this is NOT acceptable. Good luck.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/01/2011 21:16

"When things are good, they're brill. When things are bad"

Now you have his child, he thinks he has you trapped, it'll never be brill again.. Sad not for any length of time and only when he senses you are utterly under his control.

Post as often as you need to, there is always someone here.

You need to leave, the sooner the better before he starts to hit you (and he will).

However long it takes you to get out, we will be here.

Go to the CAB find out what help you can get, call womens aid, get your documents together, his pay slips/bank statements as much as you can to prove who you are and get a bag and money together. Just in case.

spidookly · 09/01/2011 21:53

"If you were as strong as Arnold cocking Schwarzenegger your partner would still be a cunt."

Like!

Gracie he really is textbook - getting worse when you were pregnant, getting (temporarily) better when it looks like you might leave

You HAVE to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation. It is harmful and dangerous.

I hope you call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

The number will not show up on your bill. He will never know you called them.

chrisdaddy · 11/01/2011 20:38

well what a lovely group of ladies we have here. i have read through the venomous comments on here. Yes me and my partner did have an argument,where things were both said on either sides.i didn't go to a forum and post nasty remarks. I think you should find out both sides of things first. As for not allowing my partner to go out,that is complete rubbish,in 1 year i have been out 3 times and on every occasion i have had to return home because of my partner kicking up a fuss. The said comment about not allowing her to go shopping with her friend is lies.i merely said we were supposed to be going together to get holiday clothes as i also needed to get some.if there was a way to do it i would post a picture of myself christmas day with a black eyes and several scratches on my head,these scratches were obtained because i would not give my partner my ipod. so for the people that have kindly posted the next stage is hitting on my part you should consider what i have to put up with as i am not that type of person. My partner was diagnosed with post natal depression 4 weeks after we had our little daughter so yes i can understand her feeling down but the venom from you ladies im sorry to say is disgraceful

perfumedlife · 11/01/2011 20:43

Gracie I was just about to post, the same as the others about abuse, when I saw your partners post. I still think you are suffering from his controlling, abusive behaviour, not least because he has been snooping on your cry for help.

I really hope you can post to let us know you are alright x

maltesers · 11/01/2011 20:50

He is a bitter, verbally abusive man and you need him like you need a hole in the head. Ignore his fowl spiteful comments. You are a good person and he is a shit.
He is sad, angry, insecure, has low self esteem and needs a dam good smack.

If this is how he is going to carry on you will be damaged if you stay with this man. He is a bully and dominating.
If he doesnt make you happy you must think seriously about what to do. If he treats you bad there is always someone who will treat you better.
Stay strong and realise you have done nothing wrong. All this crap is "his stuff" and ignore and dont let him emotionally dump all his unhappiness on you.

merrywidow · 11/01/2011 21:16

Chrisdaddy, I don't feel your partner posted 'nasty remarks' she sounds as though she feels very trapped and bullied and there are lots of women on here who have felt like that with their partners and know how desperate that feels

If you understand her as you say maybe you should consider taking the posts on here to take a look at the situation and see which is the best way forward for both of you even if that means separation.

You come across as very bitter IMO

MigratingCoconuts · 11/01/2011 21:22

so...both of you have now posted deeply unhappy posts then.

Doesn't this tell you something about the relationship???

personally, I would like to here from op again....to make sure she is ok.

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