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Original poster

I want to be an ethical slut

27 replies

Anais53 · 09/01/2011 09:40

After a lifetime of serial monogamy and long-term relationships that proved unsatisfying, I have achieved an understanding and acceptance of myself.

I've always loved sex but never found a way to express my sexuality or to find it consistently worthwhile. Now, in my early 50s, I'm able to embrace the knowledge that I don't need a partner or even want one. But I do absolutely need sex with a nice man/men.

I know SolidGoldBrass has most interesting views on the subject of casual sex and I'd love to know what you think. Would also like to read the Ethical Slut, is anyone familiar with it?

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 09/01/2011 09:59

Yes (unsurprisingly) I read it when it came out. It's pretty good, though some of the American therapy-speak can get a bit cloying.You might also enjoy Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which is a more recent book on various types of relationship.

fayc84 · 09/01/2011 10:05

I read it a few years ago and it made so much sense to me. Covers all the major issues in basic but non patronising way. Good starting point certainly. Can't really offer any more advice though as while it was like a light being switched on for me, my husband has a very different views/feelings on this.

Original poster
Anais53 · 09/01/2011 10:11

Thank you both. Expecting to be judged but that's not why I posted! SGB, do you mind if I ask - are you still single yet meeting men? What are your ground-rules?

OP posts:
molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 10:31

It's your life, as long as you are careful which I would imagine you are GO FOR IT!.

NannyState · 09/01/2011 10:34

Never read a book on it.

I was had lots of no-strings sex in my twenties. A few one-night stands, but mainly various friendships that extended into sex when it suited.

I wasn't used, abused, hurt by anyone. I didn't 'disrespect myself'. I wasn't suffering from low self esteem. I never had any bad experiences, just lots of (mainly good) sex.

Go for it, love.

NannyState · 09/01/2011 10:34

excuse typos

VagosaurusRex · 09/01/2011 10:42

I'm completely with you but I despise the word slut. Is it necessary to use it?

Original poster
Anais53 · 09/01/2011 10:54

Thanks for the positive feedback. I too did FWBs and one-nighters well into my 30s but never found them particularly worthwhile. I was looking for the one then....

Now that I'm not, I'll be able to enjoy sex for what it is. And will be careful of course! And just wanted to add that as a post-menopausal woman I expected my sex drive to gradually disappear. This couldn't be further from the truth and am amazed at the accepted notion that women's desire decreases after they're no longer fertile.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 09/01/2011 20:49

Go girl!

But, be careful, you just might end up falling in love again...

Enjoy.

Original poster
Anais53 · 09/01/2011 21:25

Thanks Mabel, I'm aware of that! I'm not ruling out a relationship but it's not my objective now. Just some dates which might hopefully lead to more....

OP posts:
PrettyFeckinVacant · 09/01/2011 21:36

I'm with you Anais. I have been married for 17 yrs and I am now getting divorced but find I really want sex.

I used to enjoy it lots and had many one night stands when younger. Some good, some boring!!

I think you may be surprised when you do dip your foot back in the water the number of younger guys that are interested in an older woman that has looked after herself.

I am mid-40's though and I joined a normal dating site but avoid the "looking for my soul-mate" kind of guys. I dont want a soul-mate, I just need a damn good seeing too and you do find (nice) guys looking for the same - you just need to chat to them for a bit to work out what they are after.

I am having so much fun now Smile

StuffingGoldBrass · 09/01/2011 22:08

I mostly go to swingers' clubs when I fancy having sex: there are plenty of men there and they are generally up for no-strings shagging (you don't have to have a partner to go to swingers' clubs). I am not bothered about dating at the moment, I have dated a bit since DS was born but it was always: dates away from home, going to the bloke's place rather than bringing him home etc.

nemofish · 10/01/2011 03:13

SGBnI always wondered... I know that you will get all walks of life in swingers clubs - but as a lady who is best described as short and plain (though thankfully with a good figure) would I be out of luck? Or beating them off... ahem.

Sorry to hijack Anais, stay safe and enjoy is all I can say!

Original poster
Anais53 · 10/01/2011 03:54

Nemo, I used to go to fetish clubs and it didn't matter what you looked like, it's the attitude that counts. You'll be beating them off, especially if you're wearing a nice corset or whatever.

PFV I'm on PoF and am being blown away by the number of very intelligent and attractive younger men who contact me. Above all, they are different, I did the looking for long-term thing before as well and it was all men in my own age-group who shared one thing in common; a lack of imagination. Have you met many yet?

Because I'm doing the same as you I'm attracting them in droves - have a ocuple of dates next week and more to come...Was also contacted by a 36 year-old Italian earlier (yes in Italy!) and we've been exchanging wonderful emails all night. He works for an airline and gets free travel and said if my mind (yes my mind) attracted him enough he'd jump on a plane and come and see me!

SGB are you in London? How do you choose the clubs to go to? Very glad that there are women who know exactly what I'm talking about. And even if I only get a few years doing this (but who knows it might be more if I carry on looking after myself), I'll know I was finally true to myself.

All the best with the divorce PFV. Mine happened 4 years ago almost to the day and have never looked back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anais53 · 10/01/2011 03:55

ps Nemo I'll come with you if you fancy giving one of those clubs a go!

OP posts:
PrettyFeckinVacant · 10/01/2011 07:01

I was on Match Anais, and was totally surprised at first by the number of younger, and mostly very intelligent and articulate, guys were asking to chat to me. I was a little less confident at first - coming out of a long marriage and being a bit unsure of my attractiveness.

But now, I chat back to them and have met a 29 yr old which went really well. Just in the last few days I have been contacted by a 20yr old. I was going to ignore him but we have chatted and, again, I am surprised just how mature and intelligent he is (oh, and a body to die for!!). You never know, I may go ahead and meet him!!

If you are in Scotland we could go looking together Smile

StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 10:50

One thing: for women of, um, our age, younger men are great for no-strings fun. They like us because we are past the biological clock stage - and they are not keen on settling down yet,whereas older men (according to a mate of mine who does a bit of online dating) tend to be looking for women to have children with. Or they are completely revolting and that's why they are single.
Anais, yes I am London-based, do you want some recommendations? If so I will PM you some.

sincitylover · 10/01/2011 10:58

Im also interested in this -SGB could you pm me too with details? Thanks

Im also pleased to hear from op that sex drive did not diminish after menopause - this is one of my biggest fears.

Im not quite there yet but expecting it within the next two years.

snowmama · 10/01/2011 11:05

I am a little (only tiny bit) younger but at a similar life stage. Been married, have all the (beautiful) children I will ever bear... a lifetime of serial monogamy which has ultimately been stiffling, difficult and unsatisfying..don't want a single relationship but would like a few carefully negotiated friendships.

Have just bought the book, date 'not looking for a soul mate boys' from soul mate type dating sites and it is lots of fun. Will be watching the thread with interest.

... pssst.. SGB can you PM me too ?

PrettyFeckinVacant · 10/01/2011 11:06

You are so right SGB. I was surprised by the attention before but if you think about it, the younger guys are getting an experienced woman, who isn't going to be hassling them about babies or weddings.

Us older girls just want to have fun Smile

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:16

good luck to all of you

if DH and I ever split, I will be joining you Grin

have fun and keep your mature and sensible fuckwit-radar wits about you x

woolymindy · 10/01/2011 12:17

I did this sort of thing when I was single - I haven't read the book mind you but I was a bit slutty but very ethical. I can highly recommend it but not really a fan of swingers clubs - you can go as a single woman (for men it is usually a different story) I wouldn't worry about short and plain either, nothing to do with anything - Good luck and enjoy

Original poster
Anais53 · 10/01/2011 17:27

yes please SGB! Do you ever go to fetish clubs like Torture Garden, the atmosphere is incredible.

Don't worry about your libido post-meno SCL -I have never felt so horny (hate that word) in my entire life and it just won't go away!

What a happy little band we are and I'm sure there are more out there...

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 21:39

Have PMd all those who asked. Oh, and if anyone is tempted by Burns Night PM me back re tickets, hehe.

AnnieLobeseder · 10/01/2011 21:44

When I was in my early 20s I had lots of no-strings shags, and that was all I ever wanted them to be. A had a couple of fuck-buddies and one-night stands. Not all the time, you understand, I wasn't a total slut! Grin But when I felt like a shag, I had one. I wasn't looking for a partner as I was travelling the world and didn't want to be tied down.

Nothing wrong with it if look after yourself - keep safe both physically and sexually.