Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh crikey I can't face Christmas..

38 replies

CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:21

..the logistics of the family get-together... I actually CAN'T face it! It's always a nightmare and this year, people are not speaking to each other! I want to run away with DH and the kids and 'do Christmas' somewhere else! I actually said this half-seriously to my mother and she said, as could be predicted, 'but what about ME?'

Sigh.

What are others with nightmare, high-maintenance family members doing?

I used to love Christmas

OP posts:
Nemo666 · 03/10/2005 23:22

errr we just dont see the high maintenance side of family..lol

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:24

Good thinking Nemo.. but in my 'nightmare' family I am the sort of hub - who everyone ends up resenting - who is expected to host Christmas day.. and iron out all the problems with whoever is refusing to attend so that we can all have a LOVELY Christmas!! (not)

OP posts:
Flossam · 03/10/2005 23:25

Any way it is feasable that you tell them you have to work?

Or you have won a wonderful, all expenses paid trip somewhere far away (but not sunny unless you actually could go away).

Jayzmummy · 03/10/2005 23:25

Not bothering with anyone else but ourselves this year.
Im sick of the pre-christmas "where shall we go"..."what shall we buy" saga that always starts about now....Im battening down the hatches and having a very quiet US only family christmas.
Extended family members will get a very, very small token pressie as a gesture of goodwill cus we are going to blow all our chrsitmas savings on US!

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 23:26

Just don't do it. Tell them all you're sick of being the one in the middle and they will have to work out Christmas themselves this year.

Treat them like toddlers. If they can't play nicely, they can't play at all (at your house).

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:28

JM that sounds FAB! If only..

Flossam.. don't work as such (just study and very part time relief stuff so that won't wash) and SO wish I could win a trip away somewhere! Must buy lots of competition orientated (if trashy) mags like Take a Break etc.. and enter all Xmas Break comps furiously...!!

OP posts:
doormat · 03/10/2005 23:29

agree with hp
we are having dinner on our own this year prob go to mil house to get pissed in the evening
last year we had a houseful for dinner, then a party in the evening, it was mayhem

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:30

Sound like I am putting obstacles in the way here.. but Hunker they are all ill/depressed/disabled/old etc.. so I am ... obliged I think is the word.. or lumbered..!

OP posts:
hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 23:30

Tell them you've discovered bearism (a new religion where you eat nuts and berries and raw meat and hibernate all winter).

doormat · 03/10/2005 23:31

ROFL HP

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:34

Thing is, if I said 'we are having dinner on our own this year' they would be stunned! And God alone knows what they'd do.. parents are divorced (but both come here for Christmas and get on ok) .. seriously clinically depressed sister currently living with our mother to whom she is not speaking (!).. (nor is she to me at present).. Dad is ill/disabled/nearly housebound...

What would happen if I just left them all to get on with it?! Doesn't bear thinking about.. Mum would sit at home and cry whilst sister slept all day like she does every day.. and Dad would probably do same as mum at HIS house.. while the carer brought his Christmas lunch and thought evil thoughts about daughters who abandon sick elderly disabled fathers at Christmas!

But oh I would so love to batten down the hatches with DH and my kids..

OP posts:
Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:36

Bearism.. hmm... or maybe I could book a nervous breakdown! (I MUST be due for one!! It's only fair)

(No disrespect intended to sufferers of genuine-article NBDs)

OP posts:
Nbg · 03/10/2005 23:36

We get the "you do what makes you happy and whats best for you" talk. You now deep down both parents are thinking, pick us pick us.

We decided last year we would take it in turns to go to each parents. It suits us as the thoughts of cooking xmas dinner, well it doesn't fill me with xmas joy thats for sure.
So last year we went to my mums which means this year is the IL's but B&SIL have saved the year and offered to do the meal which is great cos it means we can see them too.
2 birds one stone, marvellous.

Jayzmummy · 03/10/2005 23:41

Coul you have them over on christmas eve and do your bit then....tell em your having a family christmas day on your own.
Easier said than done I know because I have had em all down here for the last few years but Ive had enough....I want to do my OWN thing with my OWN family.

Nbg · 03/10/2005 23:45

Or boxing day?

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:46

I would love to.. I wonder if I could... the shit would hit the fan for sure though (ie 'How can you possibly be so selfish?? Christmas is a time for family get-togethers!! Oh! Woe is me!')

OP posts:
Nevada · 03/10/2005 23:49

Seriously, if you really can't face it, what will it do to you to be the hostess for Christmas?

Original poster
CreepyJess · 03/10/2005 23:50

I would do it Nevada.. sadly I always grit my teeth and do the things I am required to do.. cue violins

OP posts:
QueenVictoria · 03/10/2005 23:54

We tried to bugger of to spain but flights were ridiculous!

ours will be a bit of a mare coz 2 of my DBs moved out recently and my mum dont get on with one of their girlfrieds so will be interesting.

We made a rule up when DD was born that since we are the only ones with (small) children if people want to see us on xmas day they come to us. We got sick of chasing round the s/east on xmas day/boxing day to make sure we saw everyone. It got daft, and we didnt want to do it with 2 kids in tow. Thats the only way we usually see family during the rest of the year so xmas time we give ourselves a break. I like cooking so its fine by me.

QueenVictoria · 03/10/2005 23:56

Jess - tis the season to be jolly - do what makes you jolly for once. The rest of the family can accommodate you whatever it be for a change.

Use whatever excuse you need to. If they put you on a guilt trip, well, i dont need to say more on it do i?

Nevada · 03/10/2005 23:56

I think I'd go for Jayzmummy's idea of doing it on Christmas Eve instead. Maybe an evening meal followed by drinks and games and everybody going home.

Followed by a peaceful Christmas Day for you.

swedishmum · 04/10/2005 00:31

I really understand your dilemma. For the last 9 years it could well have been my mum's "last Christmas". Should add I am only child and my ex vicar dad and my mum show none of the joy/warmth/love of Christmas. I think they need the emotional crutch of the church to give them a purpose. Eg, in my youth (9, 10 for eg) they used to do ward visits on Christmas Day, visiting psychiatric patients. Good for them, but I was left home alone with mad granny and whatever poor sod they'd invited round this year.
This year will really be my mum's last Christmas, assuming she lasts this long - must admit she's fought cancer fiercely over the past 9 years - but I'm all compassioned out. I just want fun without the hangups. So shoot me down I'm ungrateful - they weren't the best parents. Last year we were abroad and I had bith sets of parents for a week along with our 4 kids in a 3 bed rented flat. Every day I had to organise the entertainment as well as cook etc.
It's not the cooking is it? I find the emotional stuff too stifling. I'd so love to have Christmas alone - I can only dream.

MeerkatsUnite · 04/10/2005 07:20

Jess

I can only but sympathise with you.

You may be interested to read what I wrote in another thread on the subject:-

I'm talking of Christmas in particular but it can relate to any occasion really where you all meet.
If so, do you all sit there telling amusing anecdotes or sit there with one eye on the door and the other on the clock?.

Having spent the last two Christmases without the dreaded rellies I can recommend this course of action (still can see MIL coming up to me in the kitchen with kids lunchboxed sized bottle of Evian water saying ,"this is for BIL". I ended up giving him tap water). That particular action along with a few others that day were the catalyst to not spending Christmas with them for the next two years but being abroad for the whole Christmas and New Year period instead.

I am at home this Christmas but we're planning on having a Christmas that will be a happy one for us. You should not feel in any way obligated to feed and entertain ungrateful or uncaring relatives who wouldn't normally give you the time of day any other time of year.

Creepyjess - they would kick up fuss but they will manage.

Original poster
CreepyJess · 04/10/2005 08:32

Thanks Meerkat.. thing is my rellies aren't uncaring or ungrateful.. they are just so darned dysfunctional it's untrue! (It has to be seen to be believed.. and I am as bad once they start..) And the thing is, this year can only be worse than previous ones - horrible thought - because everything has been COMPLETELTY dysfunctional this year because of all the stuff that has gone on.. And if we don't spend Christmas (miserably or not.. at least the kids always have a good time) together then they will do nothing! And that will be my fault completely.. my selfishness will go down in history..

I am virtually required to wipe the a*ses of my family these days.. sister is very strong and capable really.. but currently too depressed to care about anything at all.

There is good food for thought in this thread..I will mull it over. Still like the 'sodding off on holiday having won fantastic Christmas mini-break' idea best! (Not only because we can't afford to pay for one but because if I WON it, I would not have BOOKED it so nobody could get too narky about us all going off and leaving them as it would be a crime to waste it...!! Oh God that sounds so blissful....)

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 04/10/2005 09:26

Hi Sleepyjess,

Sorry - didn't mean in any way to suggest your rellies are in any way like mine. I should have changed the you at the start of that sentence to "any one person".

Jess, it will not be your fault if they do nothing. They are responsible for their own actions. They will manage. Why should it always be down to you to make sure they have a good time?. Problem is, generally speaking, such people become totally dependent on one person to provide for them at such times of the year.

I wish you well whatever transpires and will raise a glass to you and the rest of the MNetters on Christmas Day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread