If you are estranged from abusive parents your advice would be appreciated

[TessToo]

Right, just a warning that this might trigger bad memories for some people and I am sorry it is so long. I could really do with some advice as I have been going around in a vicious circle for the last couple of years and I don't really have anyone to buddy me through this process. I was abused by my mother and her (long dead) partner. My much older siblings left home when I was small and though the signs were there, they did nothing to stop what was happening to me and we were always naturally quite distant.

For about 20 years I kept on thinking that one day I would do something about this. Since childhood I had a panicky feeling that I should say something to someone and then, when I left home, that one day I would say something to the family and there would be a Hollywood ending with everyone being repentant and loving. Then after one spectacularly unpleasant attack by my mother two years ago, I just cut contact completely and finally let go of the idea that somehow things would be resolved. I have never said why or held them to account, I just made it difficult for them to contact me and said I needed some space for a while. Of course, my mother didn't respect my boundaries and immediately started to bombard me with letters and even contacted my co-workers to summon them force me to be in contact . But I have not been in touch. I can?t quite believe that I finally took some kind of action.

Since then I had a brief feeling of relief, followed by what I have now: insomnia, agoraphobia, finding it hard to function (guilt, sadness, fear that one of the family would die, missing toddler cousins etc) and a broken relationship (as my exDP couldn't cope with my past: what a charmer). I have become increasingly isolated from friends. Family members have bombarded me with letters and emails at work (they don't have my new home address) but I haven't opened them.

Now, part of me keeps on thinking that I need to write a letter explaining exactly why I have felt the need to leave my mother's orbit, with all the gory details, basically holding them to account. In particular as my mother will probably be putting on the disbelieving victim-mother act ? probably telling people that she has no idea why I am not in contact, and if past experience is anything to go by, that I am ungrateful and/or unhinged and generally continuing her weird truth-bending activities. But on the other hand explaining my actions like a good little girl could just be a sign of my disempowerment: they were there, they did it/witnessed it but seemed to think that was perfectly acceptable, why should I have to enumerate it. I am tired of being scapegoated and a detailed letter might give them an opening to challenge the facts and undermine me. My truth is non-negotiable. Likewise it is hard to put 14 years of daily abuse and the effects of it into a few words: any letter will never be comprehensive enough. It feels as if it is all stuck in my throat.

After years of fantasising about a happy ending (and while I do miss some younger members of the family all the time) I think the best I can hope for is my freedom, to take my power back and also stop their letters. At the moment I don?t feel like I am really living as I am just obsessing about what to do next and am never "at peace". I want to get on with my life, though I wonder if that will ever be possible.

So, those of you who have cut contact, what are my best options? Would you write a long letter enumerating everything which was done to you, which they thought they had silenced you about, or would it be better for me to just say that for reasons they know very well, but probably thought they got away with, I will no longer have contact with them and that they should stop contacting me.

Would be really grateful for advice as I am at my wit's end (and this has been another sleepless night).

Thanks for your input IAmReallyFabNow. Well done for being so strong - I hope I get to the point where all of this seems like a long time ago!

I have cut contact for all practical purposes, just looking into whether it would benefit me to get my truth across (regardless of their response).

And also how to stop them from persisting in their hounding of me as they haven't listened to "I need space and do not want contact".

I had a very abusive, dysfunctional childhood. I have one brother who is a sociopath. He caused problems for my parents all his life. Stole, lied, cheated. My parents always bailed him out. I tried so hard to please my parents. I tried to make them happy by over achieving but they never seemd to care. I was brutally criticized by them on top of it all. My mom died a few years ago. She was ill for many years. I never really left her side. I would even take leave of absences from work when she wasn't doing well. One month after she died my father found a new woman. I heard he gave away all my mother's things and never asked if I wanted anything. He never called me for 4 years. Neither had my brother. I was so mentally exhausted that I decided not to call them either. I was always the one to reach out first. My brother called me last week to say my father has cancer and wants me to come to his appointments. I was stunned. My brother wanted me to go and see my father. I decided to go. He never asked anything about my life. He and my brother mostly talked to each other. After 2 hours I got up and said I leaving. It was clear to me that they did not care about me. My father accused me of hating my mother until the day she died. I told them that I was done. I wished him luck and left. Need some advice.

Hi, just wanted to add my support to you all. I am going through something similar,I find it so hard to describe how its affected me.I am so lucky to have a wonderful Dh and great kids so I concentrate on them now.I know that breaking contact with my family was the right thing to do but it still hurts. You have to be true to yourself for you own sanity I think. :)

pinkdragonfly thank you for writing! You're so right - it is so hard to express what it all feels like. I think I have to wake up every day and reaffirm the facts, why my own life is important and why this is healthy for me. They've had enough of my life and I really want to move forwards with my own life with leaps and bounds.

014961 what a horrible situation you find yourself in! Well done for standing up to them. I am in a bit of a mess myself so not sure if I can give much more than sympathy. It is early days for you at the moment so you might be going through a kind of storm period where everything feels very extreme. It will change. I feel you have made the right decision, but perhaps you need some kind of support for that decision and to heal what has happened to you? It sounds as if you might need bereavement and abuse counselling? Can you talk to your GP about this (I am about to talk to mine to see whether I can finally get some support). Also I have begun to research telephone helplines: these people seem to be good www.napac.org.uk/ I hope I got that link format right. Also the Stately Homes thread is full of super clever, strong people who have been through our kind of experiences, so perhaps that would be another great advice source? Hope you are having a better day?

Why does everything in life have to happen all at once? Just as I was admitting to myself that I do have a major anxiety disorder I have:

1. Major stress because I'm in my final year of a degree
2. Have fallen in love which is equal parts wonderful and terrifying because everyone who I've ever loved has hurt me terribly
3. My maternal grandmother who practically raised me during my early childhood has been diagnosed with a terminal illness
4. Realised that my mother has gone bat shit mental

Basically both my parents came from dysfunctional families and have continued on the pattern. My mum's father was very like my own so they didn't really speak for years - she only kept contact because of me and my sister and because of my grandmother. They did reconcile when he was dieing though. Now my mother hasn't spoken with her mother for a couple of years over pretty much nothing as far as I can tell - a combination of my grandmother getting a bit dotty in her old age and my mother not having got any counseling to help her with her horrible life. I moved over here 10 years ago so my sister has been left to try and deal with all this and it's probably not that helpful that she doesn't like our mother that much. I can see why she doesn't, she wasn't a great mother but I can empathise with her a lot - I really don't think I'd have done any better under the same circumstances and actually I'm impressed that she held it together so well. I feel like I've been a terrible daughter for not ringing her more but I am just the type of person that doesn't think to call people - I'm rubbish at staying in touch with anyone and not living in the same country makes it even more difficult. My mother has been "retired" for the last decade or so and has lots of time on her hands whereas I've been spending that time studying yet she's pissed off with me for not calling her. I'm always happy to talk to her when she calls and we've gone through periods of calling each other every week and I'm pretty sure that each time that it's trailed off I was the last person to pick up the phone and call her. So instead of picking up the phone and calling me she sends me a passive aggressive text a few months back, I was busy at the time so I said I'd call her later and it ended up being a very emotional day so I didn't think to call her. I remembered the next day when it was a bit too late to call and the day after that I was too scared to because I thought she'd shout at me.
Fast forward to now, my sister has told me that she's made repeated attempts to contact my mother to tell her that her mum is dieing including a voicemail just before christmas which she should have got since she got my voicemail on christmas day. My sister said that she'd ended up sending our mother a text saying that the prognosis wasn't good etc. I then decided to call my mother to talk to her about it. She claimed to have not got the voicemail my sister left and that she doesn't want to see my grandmother and how she's upset that she could drop dead any second and nobody would notice. The thing is she's done this to herself. She has moved to the arse end of nowhere, doesn't make an effort to keep in touch with people and is downright nasty when people do call her. I just really don't know what to do anymore.

Oh dear QS sorry to hear about all that. I do think that people underestimate how stressful falling in love is. But don't let all the other shit overshadow the good feelings! Perhaps spend more time focusing on you, your wellbeing, your degree, your future? It sounds as if your mother has made her own decisions? She doesn't want to admit her mother is dying, doesn't want contact with her anyway. She has decided to live where she wants and to have less contact with people. Seriously, why would you want to call someone who you are scared of shouting at you? On that basis I would say to her "sorry I misunderstood that you wanted me to call you but it is obviously making you angry, goodbye". Are you considering cutting contact (or have you sort of done that already in your mind)?

Sorry for the grammar, no sleep again last night so it's all a bit of a blur. HUGS!

TessToo Thanks so much for taking the time to write. Your comments are just what I needed to see. This is so hard. I hope with time it will get easier. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow. I have seen her on and off for many years. I went thru a bout of agoraphobia several years ago and she helped me tremendously.

Right now I am dealing with self doubt, confusion and guilt about ending that "relationship". My husband is wonderful and completely supportive but I still feel anxious. I need to find peace. I feel like a horrible person for saying what I did because of his illness. He never even called me to say he was ill so I don't think it was important to him that I knew. I could not sit and pretend that it did not bother me that he never called me for 4 years. The history prior to the 4 year absence also intensified the resentment. The craziness of being around them is just too much. I feel I did my father a favor somehow. I think deep down he knows that his behaviour with his new woman was morally wrong so soon after my mother died. I think he is relieved that he can spend his last days with her without having me around.

You sound like a wonderful person and I hope to get to know you better. I hope I don't sound too crazy but I am soo confused. I cannot find the Stately Homes site you mentioned. Can you please send the link when you have a chance. Thanks again for your support.

014961 I read your post before Tess got to it, so I've included the Stately Homes thread link for you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1074302-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-Dysfunctional-parents

I still don't feel able to read it yet, but from reading other threads and peoples comments, it is a helpful support network.

I also think there are more than one of the threads due to the vast amount of comments, but I think this is the most recent one.

Hope it helps.

T

TryLikingClarity Thanks for your message. I have been reading many of the posts and I am amazed that so many people have had the same sad experiences that I have had. I hope you will be able read the posts. It helps me immensely to see that I am not alone. I still have a long way to go but I think I finally see that it was them and not me. They ganged up on me and made me believe I was the trouble maker. I wasn't. I was the scapegoat. It hurts. I was always blaming myself for their unhappiness. Doing everything I could to please them and they could care less about me. I am determined to get peace and closure. I am 46 years old and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being confused and blaming myself. It's not easy but I believe this site will help me. Have a good day and take care of yourself.