If you are estranged from abusive parents your advice would be appreciated

[TessToo]

Right, just a warning that this might trigger bad memories for some people and I am sorry it is so long. I could really do with some advice as I have been going around in a vicious circle for the last couple of years and I don't really have anyone to buddy me through this process. I was abused by my mother and her (long dead) partner. My much older siblings left home when I was small and though the signs were there, they did nothing to stop what was happening to me and we were always naturally quite distant.

For about 20 years I kept on thinking that one day I would do something about this. Since childhood I had a panicky feeling that I should say something to someone and then, when I left home, that one day I would say something to the family and there would be a Hollywood ending with everyone being repentant and loving. Then after one spectacularly unpleasant attack by my mother two years ago, I just cut contact completely and finally let go of the idea that somehow things would be resolved. I have never said why or held them to account, I just made it difficult for them to contact me and said I needed some space for a while. Of course, my mother didn't respect my boundaries and immediately started to bombard me with letters and even contacted my co-workers to summon them force me to be in contact . But I have not been in touch. I can?t quite believe that I finally took some kind of action.

Since then I had a brief feeling of relief, followed by what I have now: insomnia, agoraphobia, finding it hard to function (guilt, sadness, fear that one of the family would die, missing toddler cousins etc) and a broken relationship (as my exDP couldn't cope with my past: what a charmer). I have become increasingly isolated from friends. Family members have bombarded me with letters and emails at work (they don't have my new home address) but I haven't opened them.

Now, part of me keeps on thinking that I need to write a letter explaining exactly why I have felt the need to leave my mother's orbit, with all the gory details, basically holding them to account. In particular as my mother will probably be putting on the disbelieving victim-mother act ? probably telling people that she has no idea why I am not in contact, and if past experience is anything to go by, that I am ungrateful and/or unhinged and generally continuing her weird truth-bending activities. But on the other hand explaining my actions like a good little girl could just be a sign of my disempowerment: they were there, they did it/witnessed it but seemed to think that was perfectly acceptable, why should I have to enumerate it. I am tired of being scapegoated and a detailed letter might give them an opening to challenge the facts and undermine me. My truth is non-negotiable. Likewise it is hard to put 14 years of daily abuse and the effects of it into a few words: any letter will never be comprehensive enough. It feels as if it is all stuck in my throat.

After years of fantasising about a happy ending (and while I do miss some younger members of the family all the time) I think the best I can hope for is my freedom, to take my power back and also stop their letters. At the moment I don?t feel like I am really living as I am just obsessing about what to do next and am never "at peace". I want to get on with my life, though I wonder if that will ever be possible.

So, those of you who have cut contact, what are my best options? Would you write a long letter enumerating everything which was done to you, which they thought they had silenced you about, or would it be better for me to just say that for reasons they know very well, but probably thought they got away with, I will no longer have contact with them and that they should stop contacting me.

Would be really grateful for advice as I am at my wit's end (and this has been another sleepless night).

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 well done on this, thanks for the message. Did you also cut all contact with your mother?

At the moment I am thinking of this estrangement in rather black and white terms; I cut contact with all of them or none of them. I don't know whether I would ever be able to allow this risk of my mother's manipulations through family members.

I think I will send all the post back to the senders - it gives a clear message that I have boundaries whether they like it or not. One memory of my mother I keep returning to (whenever I wonder if I was wrong to cut contact) is her repeatedly wishing me dead. I use that memory to remind me that I am doing the right thing.

Thank you for all the hugs! Answering everyone is the least I could do. My head is spinning so I am going to try to do something different for a little while and I have bookmarked the articles for further reading.

Different situation - not seen (or heard from) abusive mother since I was 12. I still haven't dealt with all the issues but having my own children has helped. When I'm in the car I sometimes imagine conversations I would have with my mum now. I've come to accept that she is self centered & reinvents the truth to suit herself so my imaginary conversations take that into account. I feel better afterwards as I've been able to get things of my chest (although I am always calm & in control I'm these conversations - would be a gibbering wreck in RL!!)

Just realised I sound like a fruit loop but any RL contact with my mother would put me back so much as she is so toxic. It's taken me over 20 years to get where I am so don't beat yourself up! I think RL contact is a bad idea for you right now. Have the conversations in your mind - you'll get the chance to put your side across.

X

Good plan, TessToo. It'll keep. Talk to you soon!

Thanks poogles I agree that I need to be careful about the possible disempowering effect of RL contact. One thing I am doing (since earlier today when reading the thread was triggering memories like an avalanche) is I have a word document open all the time saved as The Letter which I think I will add to whenever something comes up which I remember. I also have circular conversations in which I try to put across what happened, but I hope that having a letter in which at least cold hard facts are documented will help to stop the constant conversation in my head (unfortunately I even lose the mental conversations!) x

Thanks Hun,

Yes all contact cut, life is too short, and she has wasted a lot of it for me already.

I really miss having a mum, I have realized that it is not my mum, more of a fantasy league mum. While you are angry you will still feel a need to tell them why and unfair they are etc. But realistically you will never get an apology so stop wasting your energy on the oxygen thieves that they are.

Far better to keep them in the dark, don't give them a controlling window on your world. You can't argue with silence and a closed door. Leave them wondering. Are they hounding you for a reason? Are they worried about police intervention for instance?

Oh and ask HR/IT dept about blocking the mail.

If you do decide to go down the anti anxiety meds route make sure that you are not prescribed Seroxat (also known as Paroxetine, Aropax and Paxil). I was put on it when I was 18/19 and it made me really dissociative. I was put on it because I was having suicidal impulses (without really wanting to kill myself which is why I sought help) and I think I was far more likely to actually kill myself while I was on it - it made it far too easy to sit in a room and blend into the background and stop really feeling like a person.

Your mother unfortunately has had a lot of time to twist things about to support her side. I've spent a lot of time trying to explain my side of things to my sister but she's had too much of my father's warped version to actually believe me. We've just agreed to not talk about it because in any talk of our childhood she takes our father's corner and I take our mother's. You definitely shouldn't try to take on any of your family until you are less fragile.

I would say either change your email address or block thiers.
If it would help you, send a brief letter to those family members you would of liked to remain in contact with, explaining that you have experianced years of abuse from your mother and things have finaly come to a crisis point and you are cutting free from mother perminantly, and you are sorry if you are unable to remain in contact with them, since she could trace your where abouts.
A leopard never changes his spots, neither will your mother.Start a fresh new life, start to rebuild! It will not be easy! Having an abusive parent or a parent we cannot look up too, is the same as never having a parent at all!! Judging by my own experiance, my own parents when they were alive were not abusive but had other serious issues, and I can honestly say that my life has been as though I never had any parents, and it has been hard as your experiance will be hard. Not having parents who we can relate to or respect will leave a nasty hole in our lives that nobody on this earth can ever fill! EVER! So from the bottom of my heart I realy feel for you.I just wished that I could give you a massive HUG!
Do move on the best you can, your mother sounds very manipulative the way you have discribed her 'hounding' you,; trying to track you down when you do not want to be contacted by her. She must take NO for an aunser, unfortunatly manipulative ppl find NO is not in their vocablory.

TessToo,Thank also for the ind.replies. Just wanted to add that the dilemma of cutting them all off is a hard one. For many years I longed to get in touch with sisters but like you, believed it would be used as a way to reach me and mess me up again.I think the idea of a brief letter to family memebers is good and could help to leave a way open for contact later when you have had time away from family insanity to heal-you need to give yourself now the proper parenting that you never had and that means PROTECTING yourself. Don't let them mess up your life any longer.

Queenstromba I'm not sure if everyone who has even taken those meds would agree with your experience, but I see what you're getting at.

I was put on Paroxetine when I was 15 due to few anxiety issues related to certain things in my life then. I honestly couldn't tell you that they did me any harm, but at the same time I don't think they did me any good.

After about a year of ineffective treatment I ended up being seen by a child psychiatrist and was put on Venlafaxine (also called Effexor). In the end - about 6 years later - my anxiety died down. Was it attributable to the new meds? The talking therapy? Or just time? Is so hard to tell.

Hi! Just a heads up. As I feared, I got a lot worse after talking about things, so kind of fell off the planet for a while. But I can't express how great it is to get so much support. It feels weird (partly because I have only spoken about this to 4 people in the whole world, none of which had personal experience and one didn't take it too well).
The hugs also mean a lot.

I went into a bit of a frenzy on Sunday and started writing down everything that happened and that I would like to express (though it will never be complete and it worries me that the whole letter writing thing is such an obsession to me).

The nature of my work (as long as I keep my job!) means that my email address has to be online, so I am not sure what to do - and I am beginning to think that people at work are finding me increasingly weird anyway. I have set up an email filter, though it won't catch everything.

Thanks for the advice on anti-anxiety meds, TryLikingClarity and QueenStromba I am still concerned about medication as I do need to remember the full force of why I am so anxious and depressed - that is what will remind me to stay away from the bad people and motivate me to get away from them. I really hope to get some kind of talk therapy. I do need something to happen though, as it is obvious I am not coping (though I only just managed to admit that).

I think then it is best to hold off on the graphic and detailed letter, that until I get some kind of support and am less fragile, but instead to write and say that for reasons which shouldn?t surprise them, I have to cut contact and that they must respect my wishes? The hounding of me has to stop. I don't think they fear legal consequences - I suspect that they are in denial about why I have cut contact, which is interesting, though I know that I could take this up with the police.

I think the areas of anxiety are whether I need to tell them my truth (though I know I can't expect anything from them in terms of remorse) and whether I am right in cutting contact with all of the family.

Anyway it is time I do something and sooner rather than later so that I can stop their efforts to contact me. I need to think of what to say in this interim letter. Hugs.

I do not have too much add, except that I wrote a letter to my mother and step-father 6 weeks ago. In it I confronted them about some of the emotional abuse but not the other abuse that I suffered from my stepfather. I have no response from them since. The first couple of weeks I did not sleep, could not stop shaking. It was awful. I kept thinking they would hunt me down. It is getting better in that I feel much more care free. But slowly I can feel the bad thoughts creeping back, that they think I am the mad one making up stories and attention seeking.

My point is, you can write a letter and cut contact as a first step. But I think you need to fight foe counselling and if at all possible try and pay for a few sessions. When I feel strong enough I am going to try and do it. Goodluck - please let us know what you decide to do. x

justcarrots29 wow you're incredible! Well done for doing that. I completely relate to that hunted feeling: it's as if I have broken contact but then the fear of them has meant that they are always with me! If you don't mind me asking, are you going to break contact with them completely regardless of what they respond to the letter?

I tried once to talk about some minor things with a sibling, but what I said was quickly ridiculed and it was made impossible for me to talk to them about the big stuff. Interestingly the first effort I made was about the emotional abuse, but I couldn't go into the weirder psychological and sexual stuff, mainly because I couldn't make sense of it. I can't afford to pay for counselling as things stand, which really worries me, but I am going to push to get help. I am wondering whether any of the bigger survivor charities do online or email counselling.
Good luck with it all love.

I am going to keep everyone informed of my progress as I am concerned I will back down and I really need to stick to my guns.

Oh Tesstoo - glad to hear from you! Well I have broken all contact - it was the last paragraph of the letter. I too have hinted to my brothers about some emotional stuff, but being typical men they just go quiet or change the subject. We dont have much contact either. I will not have any contact with my parents again. The more I think about things the more I believe I have done what is right for my children most importantly. I also hope to move within the next couple of years and I will keep it very quiet where we are going.
My family know I dont want contact but none have asked me why. They dare not ask I think. My mum has played the victim - telling people she was in pieces etc.

When you are treated as an outsider it makes you feel so isolated and makes you doubt yourself...I have been feeling so guilty that I cut contact but I try to remember that I don't owe them anything the way they treated me. Try to remember that for yourself too.

When I was thinking about sending the letter I was a mess. I had not told my husband about any of it and I didn't know how to. I emailed the Samaritans (husband was away). I wouldn't call it counselling - but it was helpful in helping me to order my thoughts. I think if you google there are a few groups that do free online counselling via email. I feel too vulnerable to do it in person at the moment. I was never allowed to voice my emotions and so I go mute when I try to speak of what happened. In the end I showed my husband the emails to the Samaritans because I couldn't tell him verbally.

justcarrots29 goodness me it sounds as if we are in such similar situations! Thank you for sharing this. I could kick myself because when I first left home and had trouble with depression (when what I had been through first hit me) I was given really good quality therapy but just sat there saying "I am so sorry but I can't tell you what I need to" or just crying. Though they basically said that they could guess. It's as if I have been made mute. I have also had to write it down to reveal it to people (even my GP) though I have never spoken out loud about details (and it's the details which haunt me). I think that I am still acting as they would want me to without even realising it; shutting up, denying emotions, allowing myself to be scapegoated.

My so-called mother also responded as a victim immediately - interestingly when I wrote that first letter (which I didn't expect to cut contact for ever) she didn't ask why, I just got lots of anger. Which, in hindsight, is because she didn't need to ask. Of course they always know!

I am wondering whether I would feel safer with email counselling: when I can bear to look at the survivor sites (triggers aplenty) I am going to do some research.

Take good care of yourself love

I can understand completely Tesstoo. I think it was because we have been made to hide feelings for so so long that it is near on impossible to reverse that at this stage in our lives without some kind of help.
Try some email counselling first. The more I read on here the more I realise I am not alone and sadly most counsellors will have heard it all before. We need to just say it. And then we will finally be free of their control.

Let us know how you get on with email unwillingness if you can and how it is maybe helping you. Goodluck and I hope you feel better soon

Hello TessToo, good to hear from you. Welldone for getting through the last couple of days. It sounds as if you want to bring things to a kind of mini-resolution with an interim letter. I think you have a good idea there and justcarrots has been really brave in doing this, too. I wonder though if this is the right time to send a letter, when your feelings are very activated?

It is only natural to want to feel that you are making progress in sorting this out. Something that has helped me is the idea of "pacing." Of course these things are always with you, and we can't control our emotions, but when I am really facing up to something I try and set goals and boundaries for myself. So for example, I might say, write the interim letter, but not post it and leave it unread for a few days, naming a day and time to look at it again and think further - then set another goal. Healing and nurturing yourself take time, so it's important to buy time for yourself whenever possible. This way also has the huge advantage of YOU setting the pace. YOU are in charge of what happens when - not the emotional responses that have been bred into you by the people who want to be in charge of what you think and feel.

So that's the first thing I'd recommend - pacing. It can be as small as "In ten minutes, I am going to stop crying and go and wash my face and make a hot drink. Then I am going to sit down and check in with how many tears I have left for now."

The Samaritans are great, either by phone or email. Why not phone and just say that you'd like to know how they work & what they offer and take it from there?

One last thing before I say goodnight - steady on the cups of tea. Caffeine is terrible for anxiety and insomnia. Herbal teas aren't for everyone (took me years to find one I liked!), so perhaps have a mug of soup or warm milk/Ovaltine, as hot drinks are very comforting.

Have a peaceful night and another gentle & respectful hug.

Oh and one for Quiddity - thanks again for the links, they have led to some lightbulb moments for me. I'm shopping around for his book...

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo thank you so much. Very good advice. I had not thought of pacing it. I think the reason I want to get something done/some kind of letter written is because I suddenly cut contact two years ago and surprised myself when I did it. It was an overwhelming realisation that I had to do it. But since then I haven't really made much psychological progress and feel very stuck: in some ways I have less psychological freedom now (feel more hunted, less loved etc). I have stopped drinking coffee and I limit tea intake to the mornings (but I do like my tea). Sorry if this is a silly question but do the Samaritans offer a kind of ongoing counselling or is it really if there is a moment of crisis? Night night (I am hoping to get to sleep an hour earlier each night)

You'll be right.

I'm over 2 years down the line.

Much better.

Good luck to you. We're all amazing, spirited survivors.

After all the talk on this threads about letters, today I received a letter from the person I had mentioned in my first post.

:(

All through my childhood this person would write me letters saying how old and frail she was, with a bad heart and how certain it was she would die soon. As a child I was powerless and confused by this. Looking back on it, at that time she only would have been in her 50s, but to me she seemed old.

Almost 20 years later she is still alive and well, but still using the "old and ill" card.

I got a letter today, blah blah blah, then at the end she states her age and says that soon she will die and how that is how the world moves to make space for other young important people.

I feel like it's a certain guilt trip as earlier in the letter she'd said "I know you can't come to see me..." I can go to see her, I have my own car, but have chosen to not visit her as she twists and plans seeds of hurt in my mind.

It reminds me of how when I was a child she used to talk about how ill she was (she wasn't ill) and how powerless I felt and feel now cuz I can't do anything. Like she's making me feel bad for choosing not to see her.

Also, I have an 11 month old DS and I feel like she is making reference to him when she said about the world making space for young important people.

Urgh. She isn't my parent, but another relation.

(Sorry if this is a bit of a rant, my head is a bit confused).

thank you for that twosoups - good to hear from people further down the line that things can improve.

TryLikingClarity what a weird coincidence: I am so sorry to hear that you've been put through this!

Such horrible behaviour. I hope it hasn't shaken you up too much? I think it's a good idea to leave this person hanging and never hear from you again.

Perhaps you could respond in your mind to reaffirm your own truth: it seems this unpleasant excuse for a relative is using the old and ill card as a kind of unchangeable variable as in "I am uncontrollably old and ill, whereas your emotions are of course open to reinterpretation and denial". Maybe respond in your mind. "I am sorry you are old and ill, I am still ..., what a bummer. Oh well, that's just how it is." Let me know how you are feeling about the letter etc if that would help?

But I am really grateful that you posted about this. Something I have been mulling over the last couple of days was my mother's threats of death and later threats of suicide (my (nice) father died when I was small, so me losing her and being left with stepfather was the ultimate threat to keep me quiet and keep me in line and do her work for her). She has never suffered any physical ill health. In her early 40s she went out and bought "the bed she would die in". I was about 10 years old.

I have to confess (and this is at my very rare moments of real anger: I need to get angrier) when I think of being estranged I think "and yes, by the same reasoning you failed to realise that I do have time on my side: I might time you out with this estrangement, perhaps that is an incentive for you to face up to this" (and when I still had hopes for reconciliation I would add "unless you admit to what you have done and show a willingness to discuss this and move forwards with me"). Just realised how deluded I have been to think of reconciliation!

Another issue has been that perhaps a letter detailing everything I went through would kill her: should there be a cut off point where you no longer hold people responsible. And no, I don't think there should be: I will carry this with me forever and responsibility doesn't end.

I hope you can use the arrival of the letter to reaffirm the progress you have made and get some more power back TryLikingClarity hugs!

Tess I'm not really sure what I'm thinking. Is hard to tell people in RL as most people I know have lovely grandparents. DH tries to be sympathetic, but can't believe what my family and I say about her. He's only seen her a few times in the past 10 years of our relationship and she is nicer than nice to him (she is v two-faced).

Growing up I always heard snippets of stories about the actual abuse she dished out to my dad and his siblings, but I've never heard a full story as my dad makes jokes about it to cover his hurt and my aunt just plain won't talk about it at all.

Her treatment of me and my siblings was always emotional twisting and mind games (as per the letters). Being the eldest I bore the brunt of the letters and stories from her about her illnesses and other tales of woe.

Now I have my own DS I see that she wasn't a 'normal' grandparent and I just want to wash my hands of her. But those people in RL I know with great families just look at me as if I'm abandoning a nice granny from the Shreddies advert. My gran is not like that!

Having DS has given me a sort of power to stand up as an adult and make my own life choices to not have contact with her. Yes I do feel bad about it, but it's more of a grief for what I never hand, iyswim?

I'm training as a Social Worker at the minute and doing this training has given me strength too. I see a lot of families much more dysfunctional than my own!

Thanks for your hugs Tess :)

I think it's a Catch 22 situation isn't it: eg when I was growing up, to the outside world my mother was a "lovely mum" though she would lie to manipulate others into thinking that and was sickeningly charming to my exDP, so then I worried others would not believe me, but then now she's older I was worried to be seen as being nasty to a granny.

I understand the grief problem: at the moment it feels as if my family have been wiped out (though I am not really allowed to grieve as I decided to cut them off) but at the same time I miss what I never had and what I so desperately wanted to have.

Well done for training to be a social worker: you will have an insight into things which others will be clueless about!

Just because your ex couldn't cope with you past doesn't mean he isn't a charmer.

I don't remember how I got to the state I am in now where I don't have any contact with my mother. What is the point of a big announcement? Just block/delete/ignore.