Coming to terms with DS being an only by (DH's) choice..

[OverThinkGal]

DH definitely does not want a second child, whereas I always imagined I would have two.

DS is 3.3 years old. DH was always scared of having DC and couldn't understand why anyone would want them. In the end he decided to go for it because he didn't want to lose me and thought it was unfair to "deny me a child" (I thought he'd decided to genuinely go for it). We had a moderately tough time with feeding issues, anxiety (me), very mixed up feelings (him).

At about 6m when I brought up a discussion about having a second he said "no way". From that point I started selling/passing on all the baby equipment/toys etc and got the coil. DH only started to bond with DS from about 9m and brilliantly that bond is great now, however I think DH struggles with the change from his old life (as do I, as do many people?!)

I always had in my mind about now is a last chance time to try to conceive a second as that would mean ~ 4 year gap and I would be just gone 35. So I am trying to come to terms with this and actually there is a part of me that likes the idea of the simplicity of just one but I have these huge emotional surges of wanting a second and enormous stabs of jealously when I see other Mums with more than 1.

Some of my issues are:

Am I not a good enough mother than my DH didn't say yes?

How to deal with all the questions from others. DH says tell them I don?t want another.

Reconciling that it is ok to like babies and be involved with other babies if I don't have a second.

I have feelings of inadequacy at not providing DS a sibling.

Contraception choices going forward ? I currently have a coil but I am thinking of getting sterilised as I hate uncertainty and this is something I can "control"....

So much more I could say but don?t want OP to be too long. Probably more will come out if someone asks me the right questions.

Can you lovely MNers help me think through this.

(Namechanger here btw)

Please don't get sterilised! You're only 34 and you are not reconciled to only having one child.

I'd better not comment on the rest - I'm one of many mothers who were only able to have one, so my views will be biased. I just think you're lucky to have the choice, and I can't imagine choosing not to have a second if you want one and you are medically able to.

If it is your DH that doesn't want more children then he should have the snip.

His choice, his responsibility.

Do not get sterilised. If he is so adament that it is he that only wants one, then he has to be the one to get sterilised

Agree with Alibaba 100%

I think you should have another discussion with your dh really and set it all out what you are feeling.

Hi Overthinkgal - I'm in a similar-ish position but my H and I are separating and I'm older than you so my DS (same age as yours) is going to be an only child by default. I do feel guilty about not giving him a sibling too and I'm sadder about this than about the end of my marriage!

It sounds like it's your DH's problem in that it's him who doesn't want any more children. Do you know what his reasons really are for this and have you really talked about it? Does he know how you feel?

I'm sure his decision has nothing to do with how good a mother you are.

But it doesn't sound like you are happy about the prospect of not having any more children. I don't know how you reconcile that and not feel resentful of your DH if you really want another child. Did you talk about how many children you would have before you had DS? How do you feel about your DH making the decision for both of you?

Might it be worth you talking it over with a counsellor?

He knows I would like another and everyfew months I have a bit of a meltdown about it.

But as I persuaded him to have DS I feel like 2 yes votes = go ahead and 1 no vote = don't go ahead.

I just don't have the energy to force force force the issue and I don't think it's right for us as a family but I'm trying to come to terms with it whilst a small part of me hopes he will magically change his mind.

He's never been keen on the idea of the snip and I my (screwed up?) logic says that me being sterilised would mean that I am taking control of my fertility.

No I agree that you shouldn't get sterilised when it's not your decision. Not to be a doom-mongerer but you never know what the future holds. A bit far fetched perhaps but what if your DH died and you met someone else who wanted to have a child?

Do you think you will be able to come to terms with it and your relationship will survive? How does he feel about you wanting another child so desperately? I don't mean how he feels about having another child.

"Do you know what his reasons really are for this and have you really talked about it?"

He says the pregancy/first few months of DS life were awful and he felt so messed up and that was the worst time of his life and he couldn't go back to that.

He finds it hard to get enough time to relax at w/e etc (as he is a great hands on Dad). Am trying to work on that - he's not good at actually going and chilling in another room for a bit/organising activities for himself.

Feels GPs can easily look after 1 for us to have time off etc.

Finances easier with 1 etc.

Things are great now, why rock the boat etc.

"Did you talk about how many children you would have before you had DS?"

Been together since we were 18. Married at 25 - talk of DCs vague at that point. Pre DS I said "no need to sign up for 2 now - there is nothing wrong with us being a modern family of 3 etc".

I am sure I need to take some responsibility for this instead of seeing it as DH "blocking" me.

Obv thought about the dying scenario which is unlikely plus unlikely I would get over this and want another with such a big age gap and if I did there is the possibility with IVF.

Um well I can't imagine us splitting up. What would that achieve? I can't let this desire (which is not utterly overwhelming) destroy a happy family of 3 can I?

Agree. Please don't get sterilised.
I had my first ds at 33 and 2nd dd at 38. 4 1/2 year gap really not a problem. I also think never say never as for another one but probably not.
I think it is a difficult issue for you and I am afraid I can't offer all that much help.
Having another baby is really not influenced by whether you ar a good mother or not.
I detect an unaddressed need to have another baby. You do need to voice this otherwise it will eat you up now and forever.
Your only child will not suffer from not having a sibling so don't worry about that.
Most blokes balk at the idea of having another baby and are actually really chuffed eventually once baby here.
Having 2 is just different, it's not so much harder, I knew what to expect and was so much more laid back and hence so was the whole family 2nd time around.

Don't give up on this.
Why not do a list of pros and cons to try and think of that as a starting point to gettinh your head round it?

Best of luck

xx

Please try to see this from your DH's point of view.
I found myself 'talked into' having 3rd when I was so totally against it.
I have resented my DH for this ever since.
If he really does not want any more, do not keep nagging him, or he will give in to shut you up and end up regretting it.
He likes having just the 1 DC what's wrong with that?

holyShmoley he doesn't want me to get sterilised. I have muted it as an idea. We are both looking into the practicalities of it ec.

accidentwaitingtohappen - I AM seeing it very much from my DH's point of view which is why I am not trying to persuade him. My idea of being sterilised (or him) - is a "shit or get off the pot" scenario ( sorry to be base) -i.e. lets get this settled one way or another - sterilisation (or TTC).

Personally (and controversionally perhaps) I feel it is a bigger deal for a DW to reluctantly TTC v a DH. DH works full time, me part time. I am the primary carer etc.

"He likes having just the 1 DC what's wrong with that?" - nothing wrong with it - but 1 rather than 2 is I believe fundamentally different to 2 rather than 3 etc etc.

This is so hard. But you do have to listen to what he says about it being the worst time of his life - that's strong stuff. TBH it's fantastic that you have all done so well.

DS is an only and will remain so, dh having had the snip. I would have had another (though nothing like as keen as you sound), but dh was extremely reluctant and the early months were so hard and dh is ill so much that I just felt it wasn't a goer. I was and remain quite conflicted about it.

I've read a quote saying that most women have one less child than they would like, and most men have one more.

There are no easy answers here. You could hand over all contraceptive responsibility to him. You could just get pregnant, and tbh I think you would be highly likely to lose him. You could just think about this every day for the rest of your life (probably what I will do)

You could, though, explore a bit more why he found the early times so very awful. You do have plenty of time.

plus of course the woman carries the baby, labours, breastfeeds, has up to 9m ML

Think is I am often a strong advocate for only children - and really mean it - it's just when the old "overthinking" kicks in.

Society is HORRIBLE about only children. I am sure I would be far more ok with the idea if I was in China - societal norms are very pervasive.

FWIW and part of the confusion for me is that I was an only until I was 7.8 years old and then had 2 brothers within the space of 18m. (All this detail is v.specific to my RL identity of course so good job I namechanged from usual name. ).

I think there is merit int the exploring what was so hard for DH in the early months as it feeds into his intermitant feelings that family life is hard. (Uh yes of course but he seems to think it should be 100% bed of roses maybe?)

You are, I think, using this 'final' sterilisation thing over his head. If he cares about you he will feel bad for agreeing to it, and that is what you are banking on.
You seem to be giving him an ultimatum....another child or sterilisation.

You cannot make someone want more children, no matter how much you want more yourself. And if you feel that strongly about it, then it may be time to evaluate your whole relationship. Are you with the right person?

Hi there,

Feel for you and know how difficult it is to be in your situation. I am 16 years on from you and we only had one DS-husband's choice / decision.

Echo what others have said, don't get sterilised yourself. People change and imagine how you would feel if your DH stopped you having a second child only to have a child with someone else in the future.

My DH had a vasectomy and now admits it was a mistake, but it's too late for us.

I would say don't back him into a corner and maybe explore his feelings through counselling.

In the mean time if he doesn't want a second let him take responsibility for contraception.

Good luck.

LadyLapsang - I was thinking that we should both get sterilised to ensure that didn't happen!

Why did your H not want a second if you're able to share?

accident

Not sure what's wrong about the whole
another child or sterilisation ultimatum.

You obviously have your own (huge) agenda re this - not sure why you can't see that I am trying to come to terms with this. As for am I with the right person - yes I am sure I am. I don't want a DC with anyone else and I want DH more than another DC - but this is not the path I intended/expected and I am scared of being judged for this.

Is some of my reluctance to push an indication of ambivalance on my part or a reluctance to push so I can always take some responsibililty for a portion of the decision being mine.

Did ou both discuss kids before marriage, how many etc?

It was discussed in a vague way as in well I am pretty certain I will want DCs one day. DH umm well I expect when I am older I will too....

I didn't push it as I thought it might scare him off .

TBH I am lucky to have 1. 1 is the compromise between 0 and 2.

Any bright ideas on explaining this to fucking nosey interested acquaintances?

My situation is a bit different from yours but I really understand where you are coming from. I had DD at 18 and DS at 21, which I am now very glad of since at 23 I had an unexpected medical problem which means I cannot have any more children without it being a serious risk to my own health. People always look at me strangely when they learn I had 2 children by 2 different fathers by the age of 21, but I see it as a blessing in disguise.

I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how hard it is for us women to say "that is it - definitely no more" - Even although I don't think I would have had any more anyway I still feel sad about not having the choice. Whether it has been taken by a medical condition or a reluctant spouse, it hurts.

I do think it is somewhat admirable that your DH has been honest and now does a have a good bond with DC.

Perhaps talking it through with a counsellor would help? or perhaps even relationship counselling if your DH would be willing?

Why don't you just tell interested acquaintances the truth. That you would likeanother child but DH doesn't and, due to the fact that your marriage is important to you, you are both united in your decision to have the one DC.

I am 8 years on from you. DH and I are still together and we still have one child.

I was deeply upset when DH announced that he only wanted one child - and had always wanted only one child. I could have sworn that we talked about children. As it happened, I did get pregnant twice (accidentally) after DD but miscarried. Eventually DH had a vasectomy.

I think what saved us is that I had been through periods of broodiness before meeting DH. So I knew that sometimes it goes away. I was very broody until DH's vasectomy, but once he had the snip I found it much easier to set this aside.

All in all I feel I made the right decision (and I did decide, rather than just hang on) to stick with our marriage and consequently I don't resent DH.