Coming to terms with DS being an only by (DH's) choice..

[OverThinkGal]

DH definitely does not want a second child, whereas I always imagined I would have two.

DS is 3.3 years old. DH was always scared of having DC and couldn't understand why anyone would want them. In the end he decided to go for it because he didn't want to lose me and thought it was unfair to "deny me a child" (I thought he'd decided to genuinely go for it). We had a moderately tough time with feeding issues, anxiety (me), very mixed up feelings (him).

At about 6m when I brought up a discussion about having a second he said "no way". From that point I started selling/passing on all the baby equipment/toys etc and got the coil. DH only started to bond with DS from about 9m and brilliantly that bond is great now, however I think DH struggles with the change from his old life (as do I, as do many people?!)

I always had in my mind about now is a last chance time to try to conceive a second as that would mean ~ 4 year gap and I would be just gone 35. So I am trying to come to terms with this and actually there is a part of me that likes the idea of the simplicity of just one but I have these huge emotional surges of wanting a second and enormous stabs of jealously when I see other Mums with more than 1.

Some of my issues are:

Am I not a good enough mother than my DH didn't say yes?

How to deal with all the questions from others. DH says tell them I don?t want another.

Reconciling that it is ok to like babies and be involved with other babies if I don't have a second.

I have feelings of inadequacy at not providing DS a sibling.

Contraception choices going forward ? I currently have a coil but I am thinking of getting sterilised as I hate uncertainty and this is something I can "control"....

So much more I could say but don?t want OP to be too long. Probably more will come out if someone asks me the right questions.

Can you lovely MNers help me think through this.

(Namechanger here btw)

OverThinkGal you are so balanced and reasonable about this. I know a couple who were in this situation - DH was adamant but eventually agreed and DD2 was born when DD1 was 6 years old. I think that often when the status quo is contentment it's not uncommon for DHs to look at change as a bad thing - like change (a baby) will ruin the current contented status quo, so why bother?!

I think that as a parent to DS he needs to consider the benefits to DS of having a sibling as being as important as the benefits of not having child.2nd.Could you put this to him?

Please don't get sterilised and please don't give up hope before giving it one last well thought out effort to get DH to agree.

Perhaps do a list of Pros and Cons including in the list the potential point of view of you DC eg - he would love to have a playmate as a child (in many ways it's easier your DC will need less attention as he gets older if he has a sibling.) If you're up for it I'll come up with a long list of benefits but don't want to bore you/rant on any more than I already have except to say this..

Is your DH an only? If not, and if he has positive relationships with siblings you could draw on this, and on the positives of your relationships between your siblings. If he is an only, did he not wish he had siblings as a child, or as an adult?

The hard slogg has obviously put him off but he's got through it once and has a wonderful relationship with DC so he could survive it again and have another wonderful bond. Also it is definately easier 2nd time round and you would be more relaxed.

Sorry if this is not the advice you were after but when you've given it one last attempt I'll try and help you come to terms with it if he still says no!

Really hope he changes his mind.

I really feel for you.

I'm not in your situation but would have been utterly bereaved if dh hadn't wanted another baby.

I agree with all who say don't get sterilised for so many reasons, and I totally agree with you that your marriage and family of three is absolutely not worth breaking up over this. Your child's stability and your (generally happy?) marriage is so important to preserve.

It's one of life's crosses to bear, most of us have them. It's tough and painful but you have to talk, talk, talk (cry) (argue), talk your way through this and just make sure you have both really thoroughly explored your feelings and reasons.

I would say, however, that though I always advise younger women (I'm 40) to get on with having babies before 35, you are quite likely to be fertile for another 6 or 7 years so it's not necessarily the last chance saloon.

He should get sterilised, and you should respect his decision to only have 1 child. Bullying him or tricking him into having another is not fair or conducive to a happy marriage.

'He's never been keen on the idea of the snip'

Well if he doesn't want anymore children then perhaps he should start being keen on the snip.

Female sterilisation is a totally different ballgame to a vasectomy which is a relatively minor operation.
You need to make him face up to the realities of not wanting more children - which is him taking the responsibility for contraception.

So... you pressured your DH into having a child when he didn't want one, and now you're trying to pressurise him into having another one which he doesn't want.

Haven't time to read the whole thread, so forgive if I'm repeating advice.

I think you're trying to push for an answer way, way too early. I had my 2nd at 39. No probs. You can't control too much about all this, and you seem to have presented DH with a 'devil or the deep blue sea' scenario. I think he may change his mind at some point if you simply DROP it for now. (And I really do mean, 'may'. It all might have gone too far, too.)

We can't always have everything we want.

Things between DH and DC will probably improve immeasurably, atm it's such early days. If I were you, I'd drop the subject altogether, not discuss it with friends or family one way or the other. You and your DH seem to have gone head to head on it, taking polar opposite stances.

Enjoy what you've got - if you had another one now, it would be such a ratrace, and you'd feel constantly under pressure to make it all such a perfect experience for everyone, and possibly live with the fear of DH buckling under the strain. He's probably feeling immensely pressurised. Ease off... if he feels it's actually possible to please you just as things are, ironically he'd probably be more attracted to the idea!! He may be wondering where it all ends.

And the fact he won't commit to a vasectomy (I think) isn't just about not wanting someone messing with his bits - I doubt he really wants to remove his right to change his mind in the future!!

Thank you to everyone who has posted here. So sorry I disappeared. I had to figure out the name changing thing and then I just felt too tired to post back.

You have convinced me that I should not get sterilised. I am not pusing DH to get sterilised - it is clear that he isn't interested in find out about it! I will stick with the copper coil for the forseeable.

I am still getting stressed out about other people asking me DCs. Maybe I really do just need to be honest and say it would be nice to have another but DH doesn't want to.

I saw a similar thread in chat so I am linking them.

I am also wondering what a feminist point of view on this topic would be so I might wander over there and ask..

If anyone here in realtionships has anything to add I'd be most grateful.

PurpleKate that's really interesting - that you found it easier to get on with things once your DH had had the snip.

Food for though :)

PurpleKate has more than 1 DC - do a search on her name. She just has 1dc with her current partner! Pretty annoying not to disclose on this thread!

Oh I don't know, it's still relevant. I've said that I won't consent to DP having a vasectomy. My GP told me I'd have to sign a form before going ahead - which utterly outraged DP. With good reason really, as he said it's his body. But then my body is mine and the decision for me to only have one child has been utterly his

I do think there's a world of difference between not being allowed to have DC2 and having to stop at 2 or 3 (or more). But I wonder if I'll be able to move on more easily if I know DC2 is absolutely not an option.

What an awkward situation :(

So glad you decided against getting yourself sterilised, I've heard it's a much more invasive procedure than the snip. Plus I assume it is impossible to reverse, whereas the snip can (for a hefty fee)

I don't know what to advise really. I can't imagine what it's like having such different views to your DH, about such an important issue.

Is there some deeper reason for him not wanting more children and finding fatherhood so hard? Did he have a bad childhood?

Agree with the others about not getting the snip!

I have one child and, although I always thought I would have several, I became very ill after ds was born. I could try for another but would be a very scary pregnancy and my health is so compromised I'm not sure I could cope with it all again.

But dh doesn't want another anyway. He has a child from his first marriage we don't see often enough and life at home with ds(6) is very good, calm and lovely. I think if it was dh who had been as ill as I was then I would completely understand his reticence. Also, although I did the bulk of childcare, he still had the worry of me, ill at home with a newborn.

What I mean is, I can see your dh's point of view, and respect it. Some people just don't love the hurly bulry life of kids and parks and so on. They bond and enjoy the child as they get older, but don't have that rush of love and bonding we get at the beginning, which, lets face it, helps us get through.

I do feel for you but i understand your dh.

Personally, I would have the coil removed and put the contraception wholly in his hands.

I don't think there has to be a deep reason about not wanting more than one child though. One is lovely. I can give him my full attention and have real quality time. I grew up one of five and fought with my sisters all the time, couldn't leave home quick enough.

We read a lot of posts on here from people with deep issues from feeling they were treated differently by the parents from their siblings, favouritism and so on.

No one likes to talk about it, but lots of mums post about feeling more love or connectedness with one child over another.

Both have postitive and negatives.

I agree with SoupDragon.

If your DH doesn't want another child that is fine but he must take some responsibility! He can't tell you 'No' and then expect you to take full charge of contraception too. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

I'd be upfront if people ask (and why DO people seem to need to ask - it's so rude!) - just say you'd love another DC but DH isn't keen. Nothing wrong with that.

I also think you need to get out of your mind this "it's now or never" stuff. You could well have another 10 years of being fertile (okay, nothing is guaranteed, but you're only 35), and many people have age gaps larger than 4 years very successfully - I am 11 years older than my DB for example, and we are very close.

As an only child myself, I can look at this from the childs perspective.

I absolutely hated being an only child. Hated it. I still do resent the fact that my parents did not adopt another baby. (I was adopted).

I grew up feeling very lonely, and christmas and holidays were a time of misery for me. I was that kid on the beach sat playing on my own while around me families were playing together. I was the kid who had nobody to play their new games with on Christmas Day.

As I grew older I was the teen who had nobody to stick up for me when I got bullied.

As an adult now, I had nobody to help me make choices when my parents died. I will never be an aunt.

There are some positive sides to being an only child I suppose, but in my view, the negatives far outweigh them and it is something I can never do anything about.

I had nobody to help me make choices when my parents died. I will never be an aunt.

Same here.

On the flipside, other people have been through hell when their parents have died, fighting over wills, bickering over belongings and so on. At least we didn't have that to contend with.

I am very doting to my friend's dds and dp has siblings who've had children (although they don't call me Auntie ) . Ds also has a very old, very good friend of mine as an "Auntie".

Having said that, I still want another baby. For me. The benefits to ds are fringe really [selfish emoticon] but also not guaranteed - plenty of people don't get on with their siblings at all.

FWIW, I have a brother and DP has a sister. Neither will ever have children. So I'll never be an aunt either. Who can tell how life will work out?

Hi OP just wanted to say I am in exactly the same position as you - I have 1 DC (we had her young we were both under 21) and she is now 5.5 I have desperately wanted another since she was 2.

DP just flatly refused for a long time (he felt he had given up on so much of his young years, although he loves DD dearly). Recently due to me being increasingly upset he agreed to me having my coil but so far (15 months) no luck :(

I guess if its meant to be it will be but I so know how you feel with the

• was I not a good mum - is that why he doesnt want another child with me.

It really hurts. DP always replies that he is "chuffed" with his family just as it is, but I see people our age now (late twenties) actively planning their babies and the Dads looking forward so much to their arrivals and I feel so sad because DD was a "surprise" and I feel if she hadnt come along he would not have bothered with it at all.

He does love her and is a really good dad though.

I would definitely say any operation is HIS to have not you.

Yes you are right I do have 2 DC. But surely the point is here that you want another child and your DH doesn't, which was my situation too.