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Original poster

Should I say anything about friend's affairs?

33 replies

OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 16:07

I have been undecided about whether to say anything to a friend's future husband about her sleeping around/affairs and would like your thoughts/advices please if possible.

Have known said friend since 1991 when we started secondary school. There have been periods where we've drifted apart but nevertheless, friends.

Friend has always been 'a bit of a girl' and when we were younger I'd always be left to go home on my own because she'd be off with some bloke for yet another one night stand. I've always accepted this as part of who she is so it's never really bothered me as such, such as long as she is safe.

Anyway fast forward few years and she left an EA relationship to be with a fanastic guy. They've been together for 7 years and engaged to get married this year.

Since they have been together I have known her to have a physical and emotional affair for a long period with someone they both worked with, this has now ended. I have known her to have several one night stands with various colleagues and for about four years there is this one guy who she meets purely for sex on a fairly regular basis. He shouts, she runs. I've warned her she will lose her DP but she says the sex is way too good and it's the secretness that makes it so good.

Her DP is lovely. He worships her. The more I think about it, the more sad I feel for him. He is so excited about their wedding. She is too and I know she loves her DP but there is just this other side of her that I wish she didn't have.

So, WWYD? Do you stay loyal to your friend and hope when she marries, these flings will fizzle out or do you manage to somehow tell her DP? If I did, I'd want it to be anonymouse I think she it'll totally be the end of our friendship otherwise and other than these issues, I still value our friendship.

Also, the f**kbuddy is also engaged, getting married this year!!?

I just don't understand how they don't get caught or more importantly how they can live with themselves??! Confused

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 07/01/2011 16:11

Oh man, tough one.

For what it's worth, my mantra is NEVER GET INVOLVED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS. It's not really any of your business. Although I do sympathise with what a difficult position you are in.

If you blow the whistle and ruin the wedding, some of the shit that hits the fan will fly off and get stuck on you, that's for sure.

Theyremybiscuits · 07/01/2011 16:12

Oh goodness I really feel for you.

If I were the hubby to be, I would want to know.

I would take the cowards way out and leave him details etc she can't worm out of, but leave the note anoymously.

Then, he may choose not to believe if she is a good talker.

I don't know...

But if I was him, I would be gutted, yet glad someone had let me know.

Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 16:15

anonymous

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 07/01/2011 16:19

If you value your friendship and like this girl enough to not want to lose her, then she must have qualities that make her a good friend, right?

Lay your cards on the table to her, in the first instance. Tell her all the things you have said above. Tell her how unhappy it makes you being in this position. She has put you in this position so she needs to take responsibility for the consequences.

I think that an anonymous letter would be cruel and would show no one in the situation any respect. Be honest with your friend and tell her how you feel.

Bideyin · 07/01/2011 16:23

I really don't know why you are even considering this. Please don't tell.

Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 16:24

Sorry rushed my OP!

Yes it is tough and I really believe he should know but kind of wish someone else could tell him IYSWIM?

There are other things like her DP cannot have kids and she is desperate. She has said to me whilst drunk that she wishes she would catch by someone else she is so desperate Sad. Felt sad for her and her DP when she said that.

Leaving work now, be back later, thanks for any replies x

OP posts:
BelleBelicious · 07/01/2011 16:38

I am sorry. It's a really horrible situation. People who lie and cheat rarely think about the effect of their actions on other people, but we all get dragged down with it. The bottom line is - you need to decide which side you're on.

At the moment, you are betraying her dp too - by going along with her lies. What an appalling way to treat a partner (imagine if it was a man doing this to his fiancee - and bragging about it to his mates? How creepy!) And no it won't change when they marry, you know that too.

If you tell him, your friendship will be over, even if it's anonymous. It's just too big a breach of trust and you will never be close again. And of course, he may not believe you anyway. Does she mean enough to you that you can ignore your guilt? If so, just accept that you are involved in the whole thing and get on with it.

If you think it's just too horrible and you want no part in it, then you need to tell her dp.

If it's any help, I really wish people had told me about my DH's affairs. I felt such an idiot being the last person to know.

And personally, I think it would be better for him to realise what she's like before they may have children. I don't think I could face the hypocrisy of going to a wedding where the situation was how you put it. But then, I'm not sure I'd be friends with someone like your friend either. This isn't a game, it's somebody's life.

Like I said, it's a horrible choice. But you are already taking sides but going along with the lies.

BelleBelicious · 07/01/2011 16:41

Ah, just seen your last post.

He can't have children? She wants them. She is cheating on him all the time?

Your friend sounds like she needs to go through some ishoos. I'd suggest she gets some counselling - although she probably won't.

domeafavour · 07/01/2011 16:45

it's all going to end in tears if they get married and she still has this mindset.
I would think you have to sit her down and tell her that she can't behave like this.
It's really horrible actually.
What, she is hoping she will get pregnant by someone else?!!
TBH I don't think she deserves him and I don't think they should get married

madonnawhore · 07/01/2011 16:48

This has got disaster written all over it. It would be better if her fiance knew, but are you prepared to be the messenger that gets shot?

proudnscaryvirginmary · 07/01/2011 16:56

As others have said, you have to be prepared to lose the friendship if you tell him.

And also be prepared for her to lie, demonise you ('she's always been jealous' etc) OR she weeps and confesses and he forgives and they will marry anyway - this is extremely likely.

I don't envy you at all, it's hard.

I think what I would do is be hardline with her but not tell him. So say 'Look I love you to bits but I strongly feel he deserves to know the truth and you need to seriously work through your feelings about him and him not being able to have children. You are not being honest with him or yourself and you have to be - this is a serious commitment'

LadyLapsang · 07/01/2011 16:57

I think you should say nothing to him. You could say something to her, perhaps suggesting some counselling, but please don't send anonymous letters - you're not starring in a soap opera.

madonnawhore · 07/01/2011 16:59

Have you ever told her before that you think she is totally out of order?

Imagine a child coming into that horrible situation... ugh.

singingcat · 07/01/2011 17:02

No, it's none of your business

Bideyin · 07/01/2011 17:09

You don't sound like you even like this friend. What exactly are your motives for doing this?

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/01/2011 17:10

I think if you don't say something to someone you will kick yourself.

I'd think I'd sit her down and read her the riot act. Tell her that if she doesn't stop all this ridiculous behaviour, or tell her DP what she is doing, that YOU will.

Also if she didn't tell him/put an immediate stop this betrayal of someone that you think seems a decent guy, then you could not be friends with someone like that.

Not saying that you would of course tell him of course, but you have to threaten her with this before you decide or not to tell her DP. if she didn't stop/tell him herself, you wouldn't have to tell him, but you could then cut her off.

You knew her first, you owe her at least a heads up.

Bottom line, I can't see a friendship between you and her lasting indefinitely as understandably you have little respect for her choices, she is not going to be a positive force in your life going forward.

FakePlasticTrees · 07/01/2011 17:15

I couldn't be friends with her - sorry but I agree with BelleBelicious - you are lying to him too.

And while I agree you shoudn't get involved in other people's relationships, by telling you all about it, she's involving you. Especially if she expects you to pretend you don't know when you're round him.

She doesn't love her DP BTW - if she did she'd be being treating him a hell of a lot better.

Oh, and if she gets pregnant, while her DP knows he can't have kids, how is she planning on explaining that away?

amberleaf · 07/01/2011 17:18

Maybe the fiance knows?

Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 18:16

Will try and answer all your questions.

I have told her, several times, that she needs to decide what she wants from life. This was one of the reasons why she finished the other full-on affair because she says she loves her DP and felt awful that she may lose him.

I am single with two DCs. If it all comes out that I've told her DP, I'll look like the lonely bitter jealous single mum who wants to create some misery for someone else so another reason why not to say anything.

She has had counselling, I think at the moment she is feeling great because of the whirlwind of planning a wedding and getting lots of attention etc, she is pushing her demons to the back of her mind.

I KNOW I will lose her friendship if I'm found to be sticking my nose in. I am attending her hen weekend and she has asked me to do a reading at her wedding. This is why I started thinking about all this actually because whilst looking into possible readings, I just felt it was all false and felt just sad for her DP.

I do love my friend, this is her worst quality and I don't want to betray her. I am closer to her than I am him so I guess that's my answer. Keep my nose out and my mouth shut.

The more I think about it, the more Sad I feel and just not sure if I can continue our friendship because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 18:17

Oh and no fiance defo does not know, he'd be devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 18:19

Gosh my posts sound even more confused than I am Confused !

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 07/01/2011 18:23

You should stay well out of this, she has been with this man for 7 years, so surely he knows her? Maybe he accepts that she cannot be monogamous?

If it is a well known fact that he cannot father children, and she sleeps around like crazy in order to conceive, what do you think really is behind all this?

I am asking you to be cautious because for all you know, she has his blessing. Cheaper for them both, for her to get pregnant by somebody else than going through with a more medical option.

It happens. Somebody I know was doing this. Her dp was infertile, so he was ok with her trying to get pregnant by somebody else. They are happy parents now.

Original poster
OhToBeFree · 07/01/2011 18:32

Yes I can see that it's a possibility but I know how much she creeps around, how she's nearly been caught a few times, how she has a spare sim card etc. She's pretty sneaky about it.

But yes, I'll be staying out of it.

Thanks all for your input.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 07/01/2011 18:34

Don't tell him. It's not your business to. She is your friend and you can tell her you disapprove but if you value her friendship then no way should you tell her fiancee.

Either in his gut he knows and he loves your friend enough to stay with her, or at some point he'll find out and the shit will hit the fan. But believe me you will not be "helping" the situation by interfering in this way. He is bound to find out at some point if he doesn't know already.

IAmReallyFabNow · 07/01/2011 18:35

If she gets pregnant by any of her fuck buddies how is she going to explain that to her partner?

Do unto others....

I would tell her to stop it or you will tell him.