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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

17 YO DD and BF treating her not so great

30 replies

ihelen · 07/01/2011 01:35

I posted this in teens but someone suggested I should repost here so here goes

I know at 17 my daughter is now an adult, but I need some advice and I can not find anywhere to ask

A few days ago, I was in my bedroom and opened my window a little for a few minutes to let some air in despite the cold, so I heard my daughter get home with her bf, or at least arrive at the top of the drive where the gate is

So glanced out and witnessed her bf treating her quiet roughly, he also called her a stupid bitch

I was shocked, although a little older then her (23) he seemed charming and caring

My daughter is also down to earth and not in a million years expected her to stand to be treated this way - not sure if I should put details.

So I brought it up with her and she shrugged and said it was no big deal.

So I again brought it up with her a day later, I asked if he had treated her this way previously. She was reluctant to say much at first just shrugging and saying it is no big deal

but then she said something extraordinary, she said that she was happy the way he treats her and it was OK for him to loose his cool with her sometimes, as she puts it everyone does sometimes. She said she wanted guys to be men with her

Not really sure what to say to her

Any advice from anyone

Just to add that she s a confident type of person. He s her first bf that lasted more then a few weeks

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2011 07:05

Where did she meet this man?. I would actually be a bit concerned about some 23 year old wanting to go out with a 17 year old to be honest. Where's the attraction here?. It sounds like this man just wants someone i.e your naive daughter to lord it over with both power and control.

Does she think that being called a "stupid bitch" is at all acceptable?. I would not think that her overall sense of self worth and esteem is very high if she thinks that any such treatment is at all acceptable. He is causing her self esteem to fall, you probably have noticed subtle changes in her behaviour at home. Saying to you that its no big deal either is also worrying; it is a big deal actually.

What do you actually know about her bf in terms of background?. If that is not much learn more, far more. Have you met his family?. He is abusive and such abuse often escalates as well and it likely has since she started going out with him. Your DD needs to realise that no-one benefits from being in an abuisve relationship; she is probably now in that damaging mindset that if she loves him a bit more and walks on eggshells (i.e live in fear) a bit more she can change him for the better. Wrong on all counts but that is a harsh lesson she will need to realise for herself. Where did she learn all this strange lessons about relationships; what did she learn from you her parents about relationships when growing up?. Your own role as parents needs to be looked at here as well.

And as for this gem she came out with
"She wanted guys to be men with her", that comment is so fatuous it breaks my heart. What does that mean exactly?. I would have challenged her on it. However, I am now in my 40s and have life experience. She is 17, still a child really, naive to such men and has no real life experience behind her. No wonder therefore she's been taken in by Mr Charming Verbally Abusive Man. Verbal abuse too can easily become physical.

Many abusive men are very plausible to those in the outside world.

Hopefully this will just run its course but I would try and learn more about him and his own family in the meantime. Meet this man of hers say for lunch and on a regular basis as well and see how they act together in your company. Keep talking to your DD and tell her that bfs come and go but you will always be there to support her no matter what. Its okay to make mistakes with men, what she does not want to end up with is repeating the same old patterns as a result of the damage that Mr Charmer will do now to her.

You do not mention your H; is he around, what is his opinion as well as that of any of her siblings/friends?.

I would also give her a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft in the future. Its all about controlling, abusive men.

Longtalljosie · 07/01/2011 08:03

I think if you're still with / in touch with her father his opinion on this could help. Perhaps if he explained to her that people who speak to their girlfriends like this aren't "men", they're tossers, that might help?

LadyBubbaAndBump · 07/01/2011 08:10

Very sad for you and your daughter, it must be heartbreaking to see. I think you definitely need to sit down with her to make her understand that it's her choice who she sees etc, but her feeling of self-worth is much more important than how he thinks of her. I agree to get her dad in on the conversation if he's around.

Might be worth asking her what she would think if she saw him talking to you like that?

Showmeheaven · 07/01/2011 08:30

I would tell her she is obviously too young and immature to realise the seriousness of his behaviour, but you're not! If she still won't do anything about it I would confront this toad myself and give him a piece of his own treatment. Urge her to get rid and start building up her self esteem and confidence.

mumonthenet · 07/01/2011 11:29

here and here might be useful. Might be an idea to print these out and ask your dd to read them some time.

She's very young, - unless she knows what an abuser is she may not recognise one. Most people get sucked into a relationship with an abuser because they try to "normalise" the behaviour...

they think perhaps the guy is just

hot-tempered but loving
jealous but passionate
impulsive but sorry afterwards
cruel but bullied as a child
challenging but exciting

..........and so it goes on.

alemci · 07/01/2011 11:52

I also think that your daughter isn't an adult at 17 really. She is a teenager. He sounds unpleasant and his behaviour is not acceptable.

When i was a young women i went out with a bloke who was very abusive. I put up with it because i thought he loved me and had a bad homelife etc etc. My mum never said much but i think she was relieved when he ended it. i wasted nearly 2 years' of my life with him. still couldn't look at photos of him when my mum cleared out her loft a few years ago.

just be there for her. i think the advice posted so far are is very sound.

CeliaFate · 07/01/2011 11:55

Does he treat her like this regularly, or was this a one-off? I'd be concerned about 23 year old in a relationship with a 17 year old. There's a big emotional difference IMO. Does he spend much time at your house? Can you "suss him out" a bit more? He doesn't sound very nice, but unless his behaviour gets worse it sounds as though your daugher needs to find out for herself that he's not a nice guy.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 07/01/2011 12:02

Are there any movies where this sort of behaviour is shown? May trigger something for her.

mumonthenet · 07/01/2011 14:47

this site is aimed at teaching teenagers to recognise dating abuse.

Also shows video ads which were part of a gov campaign last Feb.

Original poster
ihelen · 10/01/2011 16:54

Many thanks for your replies and sorry for my late one

I have always found Simon, humorous, always wiling to help, polite. We have been out for meals and day trips and he has treated Laura, her younger sister (who loves him too) and myself really well.

I am surprised people find the age gap a problem, Laura had older bf in the past

On Friday Laura breezed in from college and declared lets go skiing. Apparently some friends rented a apartment in Aviemore but could not go. So a few hours later we were picking up my youngest daughter from school and setting off on a 6 hour car journey to go skiing

It was hard to speak to her as Jenny was around so much but on Saturday evening while Jenny was having ice cream in a restaurant Laura decided she wanted a cigarette and I followed her outside

I told her I was concerned

I asked her does she care if her bf calls her a stupid bitch, she laughed and said lots of her friends call her bitch, even more call me stupid, then she paused, or slag, you can call me whatever you like too she told me, it is OK, then giggled as long as it is true.

I asked her how she would feel if he treated me like that she offered to set use up, or she said we can share him.

When I asked her if simon ever hit her she said he doesn't on a sunday, she put her cigarette out, said it was cold and going in and ending the conversation before we fall out, at that point she went back into the restaurant

She was joking with Jenny when I got back to the table

Later on our walk back to the apartment she told me not to worry about her,

Then laughed and said I should really consider a threesome

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 10/01/2011 17:16

Er what?

bamboostalks · 10/01/2011 17:20

I don't get this?

ScarlettWalking · 10/01/2011 17:21

???

tallwivglasses · 10/01/2011 17:21
Hmm
JamieLeeCurtis · 10/01/2011 17:23

mumonthenet - I saw a poster for that site in the cinema toilets. It struck me as a really good advert (but I forgot the details to pass on Blush)

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/01/2011 17:27

there are so many media representations/songs which normalise abusive behaviour. It really doesn't surprise me that teenage girls get the warped message that nasty men are exciting

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 10/01/2011 17:33

right

Original poster
ihelen · 10/01/2011 17:52

She just made a joke of what I tried to say to her, she just laughed it all off!

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 10/01/2011 18:15

So that whole conversation about the threesome was her joking? Is she normally so open with you? Was she drunk?

It sounds incredibly strange to me

tallwivglasses · 10/01/2011 19:56

I'm a bit weirded out by this OP. I was going to post earlier but ran out of time.

Then I come back and see you've named names, expressed surprise at people's concern about the age gap and say your DD has been out with older men.

And then the strange 'threesome' comment - wtf?

If this is not her 'normal' sense of humour I'd wager it was a line her bf has fed her to use in this very situation.

Original poster
ihelen · 10/01/2011 20:34

I am really not sure what to reply, if I could make sense of things I would not have posted

I am quite sure she was just reassuring me that she was fine and just joking. Although I could have been firmer

I should have kept to DD1 and DD2

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 10/01/2011 21:29

Okay this is a subject close to my heart so I'll try not to rant.

I'm sure there are exceptions but IME any 23 year-old male who chooses to knock around with a teenage girl is either very immature or feels the need to be controlling. It's easier to control a young girl who thinks it's cool to have an older bf.

He's also probably been rejected by women his age because he's really not that much of a catch.

There's also the social stigma - his mates would laugh at him knowing he might not be able to get into a club or bar with her without fake ID - unless they were dodgy mates, of course.

Please ihelen, keep a close watch and keep the lines of communication open.

mumonthenet · 10/01/2011 22:36

So, ihelen, what do you think?

Do you think it was nothing but a bit of horsing around that you saw?

Do you think that your dd's embarrassed by the treatment that you witnessed so is palming you off?

Do you think she really doesn't mind a bit of rough?

To be on the safe side, print out some stuff - links above, or google "warning signs of verbal/emotional abuse - or domestic violence". Give her the prints and tell her you won't mention it anymore (In fact I think perhaps every teenage girl should have a copy)

Then, at least, if this relationship does start to turn a bit dodgy she will be able to tap into some help early on.

tallwivglasses · 11/01/2011 00:43

Yes, mumonthenet.

Ewe · 11/01/2011 00:52

Age gap v.concerning IMO - I am 23 and have job, baby, own home etc. I have a 17yo sibling and could not imagine being interested in anyone that age. One of my (def not a catch) male friends is going out with a 17yo and everyone thinks him utterly pathetic.

I know there isn't much you can do in reality but it is definitely and unfortunate set of circumstances.