17 YO DD and BF treating her not so great

[ihelen]

I posted this in teens but someone suggested I should repost here so here goes

I know at 17 my daughter is now an adult, but I need some advice and I can not find anywhere to ask

A few days ago, I was in my bedroom and opened my window a little for a few minutes to let some air in despite the cold, so I heard my daughter get home with her bf, or at least arrive at the top of the drive where the gate is

So glanced out and witnessed her bf treating her quiet roughly, he also called her a stupid bitch

I was shocked, although a little older then her (23) he seemed charming and caring

My daughter is also down to earth and not in a million years expected her to stand to be treated this way - not sure if I should put details.

So I brought it up with her and she shrugged and said it was no big deal.

So I again brought it up with her a day later, I asked if he had treated her this way previously. She was reluctant to say much at first just shrugging and saying it is no big deal

but then she said something extraordinary, she said that she was happy the way he treats her and it was OK for him to loose his cool with her sometimes, as she puts it everyone does sometimes. She said she wanted guys to be men with her

Not really sure what to say to her

Any advice from anyone

Just to add that she s a confident type of person. He s her first bf that lasted more then a few weeks

Ok, i am going to just some sticking up for ihelen here then offer some advice... The age difference shouldn't be judged on here, it is not the issue in hand for one. IME i am now 19 with my partner who is 25, six years the same as your DD, i was just turned 18 when we got together - him 24 (through work). He has his own child, job and own home, i must add i am very mature for my age. We are going strong now. You do not say how mature she is for her age and i do not mean this in an insulting way but college can shelter people from the 'big bad world' so she is not as world wise as she thinks she may be and you think come to that

The issue here is how casually she is just tossing this abuse over her shoulder. Someone did reply saying that this sort of behaviour is being glamourised by people in the spotlight. The violence is not. I do not agree with how young girls and women are 'glamourised' in music videos etc. and being called ho's whores and slags as casually as i call you ihelen or my DP sweetheart. However many people do accept this behaviour now. He may see her that she accepts these words being thrown at her and realises that she will accept the thuggish behaviour and it then breeds a vicious circle that sadly can get worse. And this is when it can get dangerous

One way to approach this may be to not let him in the house as this is where the wool can be pulled over your eyes, if he behaves in a way just to 'please mum', she will use this and say he is not too bad. At the moment you need to just keep monitoring her behaviour, is she becoming even more secretive, or trying to blatantly laugh things off, which is what it sounds like. The threesome comment is worrying though and i can't really advise on what to do with that one. Furthermore, you could just try and watc something that portrays domestic violence with her - show her what his behaviour can lead to.

As you can tell and obviously with my age i have never had to deal with this but i am trying to tell you what i may do from my knowledge and also being of a similar age, knowing how she may think etc. She will definately think that he loves her and she loves him.

There are always exceptions IR but I am still suspicious of this particular 23 year old manchild. I can see the attraction for her i.e older and thus more "sophisticated" bf but for him there are also advantages. He can use his age and experience against her and that is exactly what he is doing here.

The only level of abuse acceptable in any relationship is NONE.

One day hopefully the scales will fall from this girl's eyes. I think her silly comments towards her mother make her look both immature and in denial. She is really in a situation that she cannot see a way out of so uses poor humour to defuse it. She is only fooling her own self here.

IHelen - where is her father in all this?. I ask as you do not mention him, is he actually still around?.

I have taken mumonthenet, and printed out some advice on warning signs of abuse. I gave it to her at this evening meal, it has ended up in the recycle bin

Yet reading the various sites, i have not noticed any reduction in confidence or emotional changes in her

He doesn't seem jealous of her, not that I seen or possessive. I have never once seen him loose his temper

Yet i know what I witnessed

Her father is in South America on some dam project in the middle of nowhere. We hardly speak now, occasional email. There are plans for the girls to go out there Easter time

Back to the age gap. It was not unusual for girls to date older guys when I was in my teens/20s. A number of daughters' friends also have older boyfriends.

Then, in that case, Ihelen, I would step back.

You have made it clear to her what you think about that kind of treatment. And believe me, although she might be pretending she's not interested in your warnings and advice, she will have taken it on board.

She is now warned and armed and hopefully she will, at her own pace, recognise this guy as a "Loser". The red flags will be there in the back of her mind.

Is she savvy about STDs? - that kind of charmer may well not hesitate to pass on anything without a thought.
I would also try and offer alternative things to do that you know she'll enjoy and try to build her up a bit. The contrast between being with someone who is positive, upbeat and affirming of her and then with him might occur to her all the more readily.