Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does this bother me so much?

37 replies

BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 21:46

I have been going out with bf for nearly 3 months now, and I've noticed something that I keep doing which is a bit, well, pathetic TBH.

Basically if he's said he's coming round and then for some reason he can't or doesn't, as soon as he says he isn't coming I feel this real, huge, crushing disappointment, and usually start crying Blush - I have no idea why I react so strongly to it.

He doesn't randomly cancel often, and it's always for legitimate reasons, like he's ill, or snowed in, or had a really bad day at work and just doesn't want to see anybody at all. I understand this and objectively, I can see it's no big deal, but I still get really upset. I do get over it but it puts a real black cloud over my day/evening because all I can think is that I was supposed to be seeing him and now I'm not.

I haven't told him about this because I know it's a little bit nuts and I don't want him to think I'm some kind of bunny boiler. It's just bugging me. I want to know why it bothers me so much and what if anything I can do about it.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/01/2011 21:52

i think it's cos you like him. a lot

TheFarSide · 06/01/2011 21:52

Did something similar happen in your childhood? Like looking forward to someone important to you visiting then getting really disappointed if they couldn't make it?

I find it hard saying goodbye to my DH when he goes out, even if only for a few hours, and I've always thought it's because when I was very young (2?) my dad used to go off to work at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I wouldn't see him until the next day. I used to bawl my eyes out every time.

AnotherMumOnHere · 06/01/2011 21:56

Youre right about the bunny boiler bit !!

Youre putting too much importance on this guy. Carry on like this and you will lose him.

sungirltan · 06/01/2011 22:02

know exactly how you feel. with me it was like a 6th sense that the bloke was going to let me down somehow.

if he's a keeper he will understand that you find it a bit hard if things dont happen and he should accomodate that by being nice about it.

i dont really agree swith the 'play it cool or loose them' theory, sorry, because that means not being yourself.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 22:16

Shock Oh. OHHHHH. That makes so much sense. TheFarSide I think you have it. My Dad used to cancel visits at the last minute, a lot, and general other things like promising we could do something and then changing the plans when I'd already got excited about it. (My parents are divorced) Now you mention it I remember having this exact feeling after getting off the phone to him after he'd changed his mind about something, and feeling it was stupid then, but still being upset.

AnotherMum that's the point though, I know it isn't important. I know it's not a good reason to get upset. I'm generally quite easygoing and not neurotic at all and that's why I'm so confused that it makes me feel like this. I don't tell him though, I just say "Okay :) hope you feel better soon" or something like that. I would never insist he came over if he didn't want to.

suntangirl I don't have any 6th sense or feel that he is letting me down... well I feel let down, but I know this is unjustified as it's not like he's constantly cancelling things because he can't be arsed, it's been something like 3 times, two of them technically the same time because he was ill and then when he got better he was snowed in so couldn't come anyway. He always is nice about it :) I don't want to say how upset I get because I know he'd feel bad, but that feels a bit weird as well because we usually talk about most things.

OP posts:
HelenaRose · 06/01/2011 22:27

TheFarSide - that makes a lot of sense. For instance, my partner really freaks out about snow or ice and won't go out in it. He doesn't like me going out in it, and all-but forbids me from going to work if the roads are icy. It didn't make sense until I remembered that a very close friend of his died in a car-crash some years ago due to the weather conditions.

He's so relaxed about other things, but on this one, I don't mind when he's a little neurotic.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 22:32

I'm a bit sad about it now because I don't want to compare my bf to my Dad in any way really :( I'm also really curious as to why I never had this with any of my other relationships now. Or maybe I just don't remember/didn't find it odd at the time? I lived at home then so I could go and have a strop at my mum or something Blush (sorry Mum!)

OP posts:
mmmwine · 06/01/2011 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFarSide · 06/01/2011 22:48

There's nothing like a bit of pop psychology Grin

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 06/01/2011 22:53

It is called pushing your buttons.

I get it when people keep me waiting for them, and it all takes me back to waiting for hours for parents to ccollect me from boarding school and waiting and waiting and waiting...

Combined with a DH who is a bit passive aggressive or just plain disorganised and by the time he eventually arrived I was incandescent with rage and hurt.

Once you recognise it you can let it go though, that helps.

pickgo · 06/01/2011 22:54

But what do you do about it?
Farside any suggestions? Not putting you on the spot or anything....Smile

TheFarSide · 06/01/2011 23:04

I'm a pop psychologist, not a real one!

As NoNames mentioned, I think being aware of what might be causing an over-reaction can help make the emotion lose some of its strength.

I don't know if it ever goes away completely. I will always struggle a little with goodbyes.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 23:06

Yes I'm wondering that too pickgo Grin I guess knowing why should help a bit. Distraction is probably the key. Maybe I need to keep a few spare DVDs or get myself a good book or something so if I end up with a free evening instead of thinking Oh :( I can think "Ooh, I get a chance to watch that film I've been meaning to see..." or something.

OP posts:
pickgo · 06/01/2011 23:10

I'm same with goodbyes, I try to elongate goodbyes which makes me and other people uncomfortable. I know I'm doing it but can't seem to get over the feeling of not wanting to actually see them go, even when I do want them to go iykwim. Think mine's from Dad leaving when I was little too, lots of unpredictable comings and goings after that and never knew when he'd come again. Ohh just thought too I rarely say goodbye usually 'see you soon'. Its a poppyschfest!

Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 23:19

Yes! I do that with goodbyes too! It's so bad though, isn't it? Blush I used to have a boyfriend who would sit on me when it was time for me to go and sometimes make me miss the bus Hmm He was a bit weird though.

So with the original issue, it's fine as long as I don't insist he comes over when he can't/doesn't want to, right? Because I would never ever do that.

OP posts:
pickgo · 06/01/2011 23:49

LOL re bf sitting on you! I can see how that might really start to get you down!
I suppose Farside in her inimitable wisdom has got it right... once you recognise what you're feeling you can work on accepting that about yourself and not get too bothered by it.
Definitely wouldn't 'share' with your DP yet tho, maybe get on top of it a bit more yourself first?
goodbye, goodbye, see you soon

ItsGraceAgain · 07/01/2011 00:47

Lots of insightful replies here - well done, that FarSide :)

Some posters might want to read something about attachment disorders and/or separation anxiety. I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style :( As you've all said above, once you understand it you're better placed to work with it ... I'm not sure I'll ever get over my love of farewells, though! Short and happy for me, pickgo Blush

ItsGraceAgain · 07/01/2011 00:50

Oh, pickgo, I had to re-train myself when I was living in Brazil! The correct form there involves pleas to stay a little longer, don't go ... after which you stay a little longer, then go through the routine again. Every farewell is like the series of encores after a concert!

Think you'd like it there Grin

hobbgoblin · 07/01/2011 01:02

Bertie, I have exactly this and it is just crushing. I remember the feelng from childhood too but am not sure where it exactly stems from.

Not only do I hate cancellations, I also get upset with alterations to how things should have been. So, I may still be able to go to the cinema with the kids for example, but if we were supposed to go with someone else I feel like it is all spoilt.

When I was 12 we went for a month's holiday with my aunt in Canada and had been promised a trip to an amusement park with her and my parents and her then husband. Anyway, she was (unknown to me) in the midst of an affiar and cancelled, sending her DH on his own with us. I cried so much that auntie wasn't coming that she buckled and took me again separately to make up for it. I wasn't being a brat - I was devastated!

My recently exP used to cancel often due to work commitments, his children's stuff, and eventually his lack of commitment to me and I used to go way overboard with emotional disappointment whenever he said "well, I think it's going to be late..." (i.e. too late to make it). It ended up with me asking him to let me know NOW (at 3pm) if he knew he was going to worm his way out of plans. We'd only be sitting in with wine fgs, not like he was cancelling dinner at a fab restaurant!

Also (last thing sorry) my mother used to work afternoons when I was in primary school and she used to say that she'd try and oick us up but to walk if we didn't see her car. That was fine, but if I ever missed her waiting for me because I didn't see her car, and she told me she had been there I used to sob and sob and sob. It was the same if I was playing out and knocked on the front door to be let in at home and gave up and walked round to the back door by which time aprents had opened the front door to me. I used to cry at that too - like I'd missed something.

Is freaky and I WISH I understood it because it would probably explain a LOT about my awful relationships.

I knwo that was a whole lotta paragraphs about me, but I SO identify with what you describe.

singingcat · 07/01/2011 01:07

Because you liiiiiiiiiiike him!

Nothing wrong with it, I used to be like this with OH early on, but don't let him know it! Be all bright and breezy. I also used to cry when my grandparents went home when I was little, because I had such a fab time with them! I'm just odd, but I don't think it's a problem

JustForThisOne · 07/01/2011 01:18

Because you have too much spare time on your hand. Make yourself busy, busier, tack yourself in bed and tell him you are not in the mood to see any one, go out more
You get the gist
Call me old fashioned...but I like to be chased rather than chase

hobbgoblin · 07/01/2011 01:23

Personally I could be busy as hell - actually I AM - and still feel the same.

ItsGraceAgain · 07/01/2011 01:39

Hobgoblin, might you have pinpointed the source of your anxiety in your last post? When you were at primary school you were uncertain whether mum would be there or not. She gave you a coping strategy (walk if you don't see her) but that didn't cover the evantuality of missing her car & walking anyway. Kids don't deal very well with uncertainty - it's one of the things adults have to teach them. So you were doing your best to learn this big lesson (mum can't always be there, but that's okay because I can walk) and you may very well have felt that, if you missed her, your control strategy had failed. It may have left you feeling, childishly, that you couldn't trust yourself to make the best of an uncertain situation.

To me, that translates seamlessly into an adult mindset where you feel as if the world's falling apart when plans are changed. You can't control it, you can't depend on it, and (perhaps) the childish part of you is terrified of misjudging the situation and making the wrong decision.

Is this making any sense?

hobbgoblin · 07/01/2011 01:42

yes, I am almost off to bed but I love you very much ItsGraceAgain :)

Original poster
BertieBotts · 07/01/2011 01:44

Yes hobbgoblin I can identify with the car thing. Oh god I still do that too! Not with my mum's car etc but once someone said to me "If I'm ever coming past your house I'll knock the door" and I was aghast and said "You can't do that! What if I'm out?" and they said "No biggie, I'll just carry on walking." but I was really upset at the thought that they might call round and I'd miss them. It's irrational, it makes no sense.

I don't think it's spare time either, though I do have a lot at the moment. I can't go out though, it's too expensive and nobody to babysit anyway. It's not a chaser/chasee issue either because nobody is chasing anybody. We just are.

OP posts: