Why does this bother me so much?

[BertieBotts]

I have been going out with bf for nearly 3 months now, and I've noticed something that I keep doing which is a bit, well, pathetic TBH.

Basically if he's said he's coming round and then for some reason he can't or doesn't, as soon as he says he isn't coming I feel this real, huge, crushing disappointment, and usually start crying - I have no idea why I react so strongly to it.

He doesn't randomly cancel often, and it's always for legitimate reasons, like he's ill, or snowed in, or had a really bad day at work and just doesn't want to see anybody at all. I understand this and objectively, I can see it's no big deal, but I still get really upset. I do get over it but it puts a real black cloud over my day/evening because all I can think is that I was supposed to be seeing him and now I'm not.

I haven't told him about this because I know it's a little bit nuts and I don't want him to think I'm some kind of bunny boiler. It's just bugging me. I want to know why it bothers me so much and what if anything I can do about it.

Ooh, love you too Sleep well!

Ooh ooh Grace do me

I think you've done your own, Bertie. I have a suggestion for you, though - try doing it like a Brazilian. Next time DP has to cancel, or you do, say how disappointed you are. As in "Oh, what a pity, I am disappointed."

Not at all hard, but it might make the world of difference. Did you feel you mustn't tell your dad how upset you felt when he changed his plans with you? (If so, I rest my case m'lady!) I'll be interested to hear what you think :)

That's really interesting, I've been mulling it over. I suppose there is a big difference between expressing disappointment, and showing that you are upset in order to guilt someone into changing their mind. And disappointment is okay, but trying to change someone's mind by being upset isn't (as it's manipulative). But I don't know, I'm still having trouble separating them. People would still feel bad if I say I'm disappointed, surely? Or would I just feel bad in that situation because I have a distorted sense of disappointment?

Hmm. (I swear mumsnet is better than therapy... I never got onto these kind of subjects when I had counselling!)

Just wanted to add that I feel exactly the same way. Even to the point that when my best friend used to stay with me over the weekend when we were both students at different universities, I used to feel totally bereft, like, disproporionately so, whenever she left on Sunday. I'm not so bad now but I definitely identify with the feeling of being crushed if someone - especially someone you really like, cancels plans with you.

It's been really interesting reading everyone's posts and I've been trying to look back into my own childhood to pinpoint what might have made me develop attachment/anxiety issues. I remember my nanna (mum's mum) used to come and look after us a lot when we were little and I used to cry and cry and cry when she left. I wonder whether it's because my own mum was a bit crap - she was always very aloof.

I dunno. It's mental how stuff like that can affect you forever.

It is very often the case that when you understand why you are reacting disproportionately (and crying till you puke just because someone is obliged to cancel an arrangement for a perfectly valid reasons is a disporportionate reaction), then you will be able to ease off on it, your distress won't be so intense and you will be able to let it go.

I remember getting myself into a bit of a tizzy over a work-related incident some years ago and suddenly realising that it wa similar to something that happened in my childhood, and immediately felt much more able to cope.

Yes, knowledge is very empowering.

I am very simular too in fact I often now find myself organising nights out/in with friends because I know I will feel really disappointed and let down if they cancel. Unfortunately a close friend has cancelled quite a few times recently so I don't try and re-organise anything as I just think its because she doesn't want to see me - not sure if this is just about my own securities or just need more reliable friends.

How woo are you Bertie? I've had a similar thing and have had lots of success with something called EFT and emotrance, but it is quite woo.

Maybe I need to keep a few spare DVDs or get myself a good book or something so if I end up with a free evening instead of thinking Oh I can think "Ooh, I get a chance to watch that film I've been meaning to see..." or something.

That was going to be my advice! if you live on your own (or with your DC) and have nothing else to do, a cancelled date is going to feel GUTTING because it is all your excitement gone! I've felt the same before.

It's a New Year... What can you do this year that you'd always wanted to do? Retrain for a new job, start a fun hobby fom home, which old fried do you miss you saw more of, etc?

pull your focus back on to your own lovely life and make it as amazing as possible.

Bertie, when someone tells me they're disappointed they can't see me, it makes me feel good! It's a compliment. Just going "Oh, okay, I'm fine anyhow" almost makes it seem like you don't care whether they show up or not, iysiwm.

As you say - not a guilt trip, just a little honesty. See if it works - what's the worst that can happen?

Ah see if someone told me they were disappointed then I'd feel bad and like I should have made more of an effort. I don't want people to feel like that with me. But maybe I will start saying it and see how they react.

Beautlful I think it will be better when I'm back at uni and have more to be getting on with! I don't think I could fit much more into my life but I would like to see friends more, because I feel that a lot of my friends are less close than I'd like them to be. I've been trying to do that this week and I've just got a lovely text though from my friend who knows I've had a tough few days with DS, sleep etc saying she's thinking of me and hopes we have a better night :)

Giftwrapped I am a bit woo! I have done EFT before for a different issue but didn't find it that helpful. I think I felt too self conscious doing it. My mum does dowsing and reiki though so I might ask if there is anything she can clear. She has stopped clearing things for me unless I ask since I had a rather odd evening the last time she did!

Thanks everyone, I've found this really interesting :)