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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some advice wanted please

33 replies

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 11:52

Okay, please bear with me as this takes some explaining. I am a regular musnet user but for this tricky subject would rather stay very anonymous.
My biological father left my mum when she discovered she was pregnant with me at 24. I saw him until I was 2, but not since, but I visited my paternal grandparents every summer until the age of 13 or so when I became too concerned with my friends etc. I haven't seen them since, and spoke to them last on the phone 4 years ago.
My mum married when i was 3 and I consider him entirely as my dad, I have never had any longing to meet my biological father, nor felt resentment towards him .I just don't feel anything lacking in my life.
I know he has married too and has three children. As far as I see it, he has his family, and I have been brought up by mine and I don't feel the need, nor feel i would get anything from contacting him now.
The problem is I am expecting a baby very soon and my husband feels very strongly that he wants to meet my biological father. He says it is his right to, in his words, 'see what is being brought to the gene pool'.
He says it can be a one of meeting if i want but he also says that the baby should have the right to access that part of his family, which i guess is true.
I just can't imagine seeing him after so long, and all the issues it would throw up. i.e would we keep in touch after, would he actually want to see us, what would my parents think.
Do you think i should give my husband what he wants. I must admit i have been curious before, and if not, is it unfair to keep the baby away from this part of his family?

OP posts:

mancmum · 03/10/2005 11:56

I personally think this is your decision and yours alone... if you want to meet him for your own reasons, then do so, but the gene pool/his right thing does not wash with me.. if you don't see your Dad, why should your child when s/he will have access to a loving family...

WigWamBam · 03/10/2005 11:58

I don't think this any of your dh's business, to be honest. Your biological father has not been part of your life since you were 2 years old - why should he suddenly be invited into your life unless it's because you want him to be? Your baby won't be missing out on seeing him; as far as your baby is concerned your step-dad is his or her grandfather, not some stranger that you haven't seen since you were a baby yourself.

Your dh doesn't need to see any further into the gene pool than you - you are what will shape your baby, not your biological father.

albert · 03/10/2005 12:00

Personally, I think your DH is being very unreasonable unless there are medical reasons for him wanting to check the 'gene pool'. If, as you say, your biological father has had nothing to do with your life why should he now? I would guess that he won't want to get involved now anyway. I find this really bizarre! Also, it I were your step father I would find DH's attitude very insulting. Sorry if that's not the answer you wanted.

Iklboo · 03/10/2005 12:01

See what is breing brought to the gene pool?? What is this, GATTACA? What happens if he doesn't like your dad - will he ask you to send the baby back and get a new one?
This is your decision - your DH has no 'rights' on this one.

edam · 03/10/2005 12:03

Agree with WWB - but I'd put it even more strongly and say where does your dh get off, exactly? He's got a flaming cheek, demanding to meet your bio father. Is he normally controlling? I'd be worried about his desire to control you and lack of respect for your personal autonomy. Your relationship with your bio father has to be led by you. You must not be forced into reopening a relationship you don't want because your partner is curious or selfish and trying to come up with some acceptable disguise for this.

Tell him to butt out.

Gobbledispook · 03/10/2005 12:03

I agree with everyone else - this is something which has to be your decision. Your dh's 'reasons' just don't wash with me either - it just isn't a valid reason for him to need to know your biological father.

Does he not realise this impact this could have on you? Does he not see the enormity of it??

Plenty of children grow up without knowing biological parents, never mind grandparents.

If you don't want to meet him then don't. I really feel this is a decision for you alone.

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:07

seems to be a consensus so far. I know he has no right, but he has stressed he is really interested and it will only be a one off if thats what I want. though I think that would be even stranger. 'hello.i'm your daughter you haven't seen for 25 years. pleased to meet you enjoy the rest of your life'. i certainly don't want him to become a part of my life so it seems impossible really.
as for bringing to the gene pool. my husbands dad has chronic heart problems and admitted to having had 8 affairs after they divorced, and his mum has sever bi polar depression, and i'm not going anywhere!

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 03/10/2005 12:12

It doesn't matter how "interested" he is - this is truly not his decision. It's you who will have to deal with the aftermath of seeing the man again (if you decide to), so it's you and only you who should make that decision. If you don't want him to become part of your life then don't contact him - once you contact him things will never be the same again.

Maybe his family's health problems are part of the reason he wants to meet your biological father, but even that's not a pressing enough reason to give in to him. This is your decision and no-one else's.

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:15

But i must say he isn't insisting on this. just bringing the subject a bit too often and too persuasively for my liking

OP posts:

vickitiredmum · 03/10/2005 12:19

I never felt a need to meet my Mums dad. Bumped into him in the street with my mum when i was about 5 or 6. Cant say it made an impression. Same with my dads dad, was never interested and didnt feel like i missed out. It only interferes if you want to track your family tree.

It would be a little unfair on your bio dad and his family tbh to meet up etc etc on the basis of "just a one off". Dont mean to be rude but your DH seems a little ignorant IMO.

mancmum · 03/10/2005 12:21

if your DH is so worried about gene pool, why did he get you PG before meeting the your genetic father?

I don't see how you could ever have a one off meeting with your bio Dad -- will DH be providing a questionnairre of generic illness he wants answering and then calling meeting to an end.... this is a big bag of worms about to be opened... personally I would run to hills and tell your DH not to push you on it any more...

WigWamBam · 03/10/2005 12:21

If you don't want to see the man, tell your dh that you don't and that your decision is final. Declare the subject closed and refuse to discuss it with him if he raises it again. He has no right to keep bothering you with something that you aren't interested in - especially something as emotive as this.

As far as I can see this man gave up all his rights to you when he walked out on you without maintaining contact. Why does your dh think that someone who walked out on a tiny baby deserves to be part of your family, even if only for a short time? Your dh trying to force your hand is only going to cause you grief in the long run - if you see your father and it doesn't work out, the chances are you will resent your dh for making you go through it, which won't do either of you any good.

Blackduck · 03/10/2005 12:33

with everyone else on this one - it is your decision not his. He's your dad, not your DH's.....WWB is right - tell him no and tell him the subject is closed. and no you are not being unfair to the baby - how can you miss what you never knew about?

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:35

you are all saying such true words. all of which i have thought and said to my husband. it hss already opened a can of worms though. my bio- father is not something i thought about, and never discuss with my mum or anyone for that matter.
but this has gotten me thinking that maybe i am being silly to refuse to meet him. i would be interested to meet my half brothers and sisters i guess. but then again it's only dh's pushing that has made me even consider it. i never thought about it before, and perhaps the hormonal state i'm in now isn't helping me think clearly.

OP posts:

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:37

sorry, must add,
thanks for all of your advice on this.
I didn't expect such a good response, and it helps,me to get other peoples p.o.v on this.
I won't be talking to my mum or sister about it thats for sure, and don't have anyone else i'd share such a thing with.

OP posts:

Blackduck · 03/10/2005 12:37

There are two sides to this thou', to put it bluntly would they want to meet you as well? This isn't something to go into lightly and could end in tears

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:42

Blackduck, just what I thought. no doubt his wife wouldn't be happy about me coming into the picture as who knows if i was ever even mentioned to their kids. and i wouldnt want him to think i want anything from him, which he invariably would. telling him 'my husband wants to survey the gene pool' probably wouldn't wash.hahaha especially now we are expecting a baby, he may think i want finacial help. or worse, he may want to keep in touch when i don't.
argh.

OP posts:

Blackduck · 03/10/2005 12:44

I'm getting the distinct impression from you that whilst you may be curious (and who can blame you) you aren't exactly bothered - ie you don't feel the need to see him, in which case don't do it!

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 12:47

no- of course i am slightly curious, but not enough to go through the emotional turmoil that it would cause not just for me, but my mum and dad, and his family too. If I was bothered I would have contacted him long ago. my gran speaks to my paternal grandmother a couple of times a year so it's not like he's 'long lost' or anything. We just have different lives and i've been happy with that and will stay happy with that.

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Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 13:03

you guys have made me feel like a pushover for even considering this?Is my husband that out of line?

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WigWamBam · 03/10/2005 13:04

In my opinion - yes, he is. Not so much for wanting it but for keeping on pushing when it's not what you want.

MeerkatsUnite · 03/10/2005 13:17

If you wanted to meet your biological father then it has to be your decision and your decision alone to make. Also on a wider level I would not undertake such a step without any counselling on your part or some family mediation beforehand. Your DH's intentions if followed through would in all likelihood cause both a lot of emotional anguish and fallout for all caught up in it. I wonder what his reaction would be then?. Not just to mention yours?.

Why exactly does your DH want you to meet your bio father whom you not seen for years and therefore hardly know?. I think he needs to address that for himself. Perhaps he is curious about your own Dad as his parents are to his mind perhaps somewhat lacking.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/10/2005 13:30

Look, there's no rush to do this, is there? And you certainly don't want to pushed/bullied into it.

Why not say to your DH, "look, I might want to do this, eventually, but please stop pushing me. Just leave the subject be for a while, and we'll see."

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 13:36

meerkatz, you are so right!
I thought the same thing fleetingly but hadn't thought it through.
my family is very different to my husbands. My muym and dad have had a very happy marriage and me and my sister had a great childhood.
I also have a very large, close, extended family who all live near each other and are just the best social and support network you could hope for.
My husband on the otherhand moved here from Italy when he was 7, before which he primarily lived with and was brought up by his grandmother, as his dad worked away all over europe and his mum was in the same city but very wrapped up in her own life and friends etc.
After they moved to england as a 'family' they found it very hard, as they had never been so before. He still holds a lot of resentment towards them for being so absent from his life. Their behaviour extended into his teens too (i.e at the age of 13 he was left for 6 days alone whilst they went on seperate holidays with friends).
His parents were never much of a 'couple'(or 'parents' in my opinion) so no one was surprised when they divorced, and he has had many problems with them since.
The rest of his family are obviously so far away that he can only see them annually at best, and he feels he has lost touch not just with them, but with the culture they inhabit, so much that he says he feels like a 'foreigner' when he visits.
perhaps he wants to see the 'messed up' side of my family..or perhaps he wants an insight into how a dad can become so removed from his kid, or a family can become estranged?
Jesus..this post has turned into a proper psychological evaluation..why can i not think of these things as a 'come-back' when he is pushing this difficult topic on me?

OP posts:

Original poster

want2beanon · 03/10/2005 15:27

sorry, have i scared everyone away, or am I just being impatient?
Despite all this I still kind of feel that my husband has a point. perhaps he is too persuasive (which can't be good!)
Or maybe, like i said before, it's the hormones and emotional upheaval related to having my first child that is skewing my perception.

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