Some advice wanted please

[want2beanon]

Okay, please bear with me as this takes some explaining. I am a regular musnet user but for this tricky subject would rather stay very anonymous.
My biological father left my mum when she discovered she was pregnant with me at 24. I saw him until I was 2, but not since, but I visited my paternal grandparents every summer until the age of 13 or so when I became too concerned with my friends etc. I haven't seen them since, and spoke to them last on the phone 4 years ago.
My mum married when i was 3 and I consider him entirely as my dad, I have never had any longing to meet my biological father, nor felt resentment towards him .I just don't feel anything lacking in my life.
I know he has married too and has three children. As far as I see it, he has his family, and I have been brought up by mine and I don't feel the need, nor feel i would get anything from contacting him now.
The problem is I am expecting a baby very soon and my husband feels very strongly that he wants to meet my biological father. He says it is his right to, in his words, 'see what is being brought to the gene pool'.
He says it can be a one of meeting if i want but he also says that the baby should have the right to access that part of his family, which i guess is true.
I just can't imagine seeing him after so long, and all the issues it would throw up. i.e would we keep in touch after, would he actually want to see us, what would my parents think.
Do you think i should give my husband what he wants. I must admit i have been curious before, and if not, is it unfair to keep the baby away from this part of his family?

A point from someone who never met her bio father. 9 times out of 10 the genes are not going to make much of a difference, it just makes you aware of what you could get.
If you don't want to see him, end of. It is not for your dh to decide.

want2 my dd1 went through the similar when she was pg with my gd.
She had seen her biof twice in 7yrs as he couldnt be bothered.
For the last 10 years my dh has been her father in every sense.
When dd1 was about 6mths pg she began experiencing feelings of regret for something she had nothing to regret.She was feeling whether or not to have bif included in her life.He had plenty of opportunities to see his children but could not be bothered. I twice begged on my hands and knees to see the kids years ago as they were suffering but he didnt want to know.

When biof found out dd was pg from his mother he phoned me all excited telling me how he was going to be a grandad. I told him in no uncertain manner that he wasnt going to be a grandad as he was never a father in the first place.
I then seen the devastation on my dh's face that there was this man who donated his sperm and didnt want to know his kids for years trying to come into our happy family.It hit dh hard.
I told dd1 about this on the quiet and she decided against telling biof any details except for the sex and the name and it was me that had to tell him.She has no wish to contact him.I am pretty sure if my dd's dh pushed for a meeting, he would be met with a gobful of abuse.

wanto2beanon

I think your husband's relationship and lack of same re his parents has a lot to do with why he is saying what he is now. One of many problems with his approach is that it is all too clear he has not thought this through properly or even thought about what would happen in the event any reunion with you and your biological father went wrong. His ideas of "gene pool" and "one off meeting" do seem somewhat skewed.

I'll say it again - it is your decision alone to make - not his and I would not undertake such a step without some sort of counselling and or mediation through a third party beforehand. Too many people otherwise, not least of all you, run the risk of being emotionally hurt. How would your DH feel then?.

Its the relationship issues surrounding his mainly absent parents that he needs to address.

Thanks again, to everyone who has shared their experiences.
I am worried beacuase I don't want my bio-father to think that I want, or find out that he wants a part of this babies life.
As i have said before i have the best family anyone could wish for, and i know i am lucky in that respect. To Introduce my baby to this man is, as others have said, like calling a random man off the street a 'grandfather'. and he will already have two of them, not to mention two sets of great grandparents, so he won't be lacking anything, just like I am not.
I really think my husband has famly 'issues' . this is the only thing he has totally surprised me by coming up with.
We have a very loving and open relationship. we talk about everything and anything.
I am surprsied he will bring this up and keep pusing it .
Is it me that has been blanking some part of my life I sld be in touch with, or is he pushing it because of his own family issues?
gosh..if anyone is still reading, then bless you..i don't want to go on but i don't want to talk to my familyabout this, for obvious reasons!

I honestly think that you need to tell him once and for all that you have made your mind up not to meet your biological father, it is your final decision and that the subject is not up for discussion. I also think you need to tell him how confused and upset his pushing you into it has made you, and that you would like him to respect your wishes and not raise the subject again.

Maybe you could print this thread off to show him so that he can understand exactly where you're coming from - he's further away from the situation than you are, so may not understand all of the practical and emotional implications that meeting this man might have.

wondering if there is another reason rather than " want to see what have bought into gene pool"

becuae supposing your child is born with someinherited condition - is this goping to make a difference to your dh - was also wondering if he is going to meet him with medical quetionnair in hand.

also i think the people who are important to you are the people who love you unconditionally those needent be biological parents

Agree with all on this.

It is such a huge step to take, so many people and emotions will be involved, it couldn't just be some light-hearted one-off. How weird would that be?? Hey dad, have you ever had x, y or z? Great, thanks. Have a nice life?? I don't think so.

If you are happy as you are then NO WAY would I do it, far far too complicated and traumatic.

Also, lets face it, the gene pool thing is just silly. You are pregnant. Time to put up and shut up I say.

Not you of course, your dh!