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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex trying to cut me out and ruin me

36 replies

clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 11:39

Hello all, really could do with some advice.
I am the mother of a 7mnth old lovely little girl who
I adore more than life itself. Her father has anger issues
Towards me but must admit he is a great father.
I had a touch and go pregnancy and since have iron def and
B12 def so feeling altogether low. He is abusive and threatning
And I fear I am suffering pnd which he has used against me.
I am due to go bk to wrk part time in a month and he wants to have
Her while I am at wrk. He will not bring her back and thinks three
Days that I have offered him is not enough....where do I stand?
Can he take my child from me? If I choose to go bk to work
he is threatning to come to the house and f me up, I want my daughter
To have a relationship with him as I do feel he is great with her
However he wants to take her from me...under what grounds can he
Do so and can I limit visitation? I feel three days is more than enough
Pls feel free to ask more I hope I can come to a solution as it is really stressing me
Out

OP posts:
follyfoot · 04/01/2011 11:43

I think the advice you need is pretty short and to the point really.

Go and see a solicitor. Urgently.

You may also need to speak to the DV section at your local police station.

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 11:48

As he is on the birth cert can he keep her after our verbal visitation
Agreement is up?

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 04/01/2011 11:51

Get some legal advice.

He has no right to threaten you fgs!

Get on the phone, or pop into town and go and make an appointment to see someone, you may even get in to see someone today.

Don't put it off.

xx

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 11:56

Ok thanks all xx

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 04/01/2011 11:57

Are you breastfeeding?

It is not in the child's best interest to have a change of residency from you if it is breastfeeding.

follyfoot · 04/01/2011 12:02

Sorry but breastfeeding has bugger all to do with this. He is threatening her.

She needs legal advice. End of.

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2011 12:07

Yes legal advice

But, if he wasn't behaving like he is/has done, you would still be happy to leave her for 3 days with him as childcare?

He should not be just used for childcare, but have some weekend time too.

Anger issues? Has he been violent?

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 14:06

Well yes I could give him access at weekends but because I choose to
Go back to work to support my family and not sponge giving him weekends
Aswell when would I have time with my daughter???
He doesn't work but that should not mean he gets her all the time
I am not breast feeding and he has been violent towards me
I am happy for him to have her but he just wants her 5 days a week!!

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 14:17

Look love, call Women's Aid, the police DV unit and a soliciotr. There is no way this dickhead should be allowed access to your daughter apart from in a contact centre with someone supervising him. ANd for a little baby, that will be short spells of time, to slowly increase as she gets bigger as long as he behaves himself.

BadSkiingMum · 04/01/2011 14:18

Something about your posts is sending a chill down my spine. I am worried for you.

He is known to be violent and he has threatened not to return her - you need to really consider carefully the best options to protect you and your daughter.

Please take the advice above and go and see a solicitor. They often offer the first hour free. Also go to see the CAB or possibly your local Sure Start centre as soon as you can, as they can put you in touch with lots of other services.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/
www.naccc.org.uk/
www.childsupportlaws.co.uk/arranging-child-support-through-courts.html

Also, go to your Dr and ask to be prescribed some ferrous gluconate - much easier on the stomach than the usual iron tablets and will have a real impact on your iron levels.

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 14:23

Thankyou, I will do....it just seems like getting the balance right
Is difficult. I know he would never harm our child,he just refuses to be
A weekend dad...I want to go back to work but if it jeprodises him gaining access
Then I have to seriously consider my options
I have a great family and friends network around me and want to enjoy life with
My lil girl
Just wasn't sure what his rights were

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 04/01/2011 14:27

Something about your posts is sending a chill down my spine. I am worried for you.

as BSM said Sad

ItsGraceAgain · 04/01/2011 14:45

You sound totally on the edge. He is doing this to you.
You do NOT have to work it all out on your own. You don't.
The help IS available so people in your situation CAN rally forces to STOP a bully.
Call women's aid.
Tell your doctor everything.
Follow the other links you've been offered here.
You're not alone. Get help.
Wishing you well. x

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 14:48

Thank you all for your help x

OP posts:
msboogie · 04/01/2011 15:00

I am sorry but under no circumstances is it possible for a violent man who is violent to his child's mother EVER to be considered a good father. He is a thug, pure and simple.

You need to ring Women's Aid and get help to remove yourself from the danger he presents to you and your children. Permanently.

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2011 15:58

the reality is tho,as long as the violence hasnt been directed at dc,he will get contact. i dont agree with this eithetr,but i have found out the hard way that these men DO get a good portion of contact. if it went to court judge would certainly consider giving him the access he wants/ask for...

if he went for shared care then its possible he'd get that. any welfare issues op?

msboogie · 04/01/2011 16:08

do those women that are helped to escape from violence then have to allow access?

follyfoot · 04/01/2011 16:13

That isnt always so ILT. In my case, my ex was granted NO access by the court. That was the outcome of the welfare report and the judge's decision.

He was allowed to write to her, but only in response to any letters from her, he was never allowed to instigate even written contact.

Inertia · 04/01/2011 16:36

Agree with others, you need proper legal advice. He has been violent and made threats, and a tiny baby cannot protect herself against this man, she needs you to protect her.

Please report his previous instances of violence and threats to the police - women's aid are probably your best first port of call for advice on this.

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2011 16:39

follyfoot....my ex has no contact either,BUT along the court route i found one hell of alot of men who had comitted dv,were allocated contact. and a fair amount too.

the lawyers here on MN may be along soon,they will offer their take on it.

please be aware violent men do get contact!its rare a judge awards zero contact

men in prison can also get contact with their kids remember!

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2011 16:41

msboogie.....they do if the court order says they have to!!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 04/01/2011 16:46

Women's aid definately...I am so sorry for you...I can only tell you that if you stick around on MN then you will be looked after and helped throught this for real and by people who know a lot about things like this.

Stay with it....stay strong...you've done the best thing coming on here.x

pinkstarlight · 04/01/2011 16:54

if i was you i would try to stay as independent as possible,when me and my x split up he had the kids while i worked. it turned out to be a nightmare he took advantage and used it as a tool to either get at me or try to control me by constantly threatening not to have them .

in the end it got so bad it got me really down,i felt i couldnt get on with my life,he was watching my every move and i was trying far to hard not to upset him while he used every excuse possible to abuse me as i picked and dropped the kids off.in the end i felt i had no choice but to give my job up and i will never put myself in the position again where i have to rely on my x.

Original poster
clairelou87 · 04/01/2011 19:39

that is exactly what i fear
i have told him he can have her sunday, mon and tues so i can go back to work but this isnt enough for him and he is refusing to discus until we face to face
he is out of the country for one week and when he comes back he will be straight round here
when we used to argue he used to push me soo much that i cried uncontrollably and felt like killing myself, he now says he will use this against me that im suicidal and a danger to our child which is not the case
since he has been gone i have never been happier i now see he is the problem
i am meeting a friend on thurs to arrange some help before he comes back
i feel so much better i have someone to talk to who doesnt jus say do this do that mumsnet users actually understand

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 21:10

Honestly, get in touch with WA. THey know all about dealing with knobbers like him. You are not alone and it is perfectly possible to get legal barriers in place to prevent him having any contact with you that you don't want - while he may be awarded some contact with your baby that doesn't mean he gets to see you (often men like this will then fuck off as their interest is not building a relationship with their children but in harassing their ex-partners).

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