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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH shouting like a sergeant major. Another stressful bedtime.

29 replies

spidermama · 02/10/2005 19:41

I'm thinking, it's definitely his turn to put them to bed, but I don't know if I can stand it. He's up there now, shouting.
Of course, the kids are shouting too and crying and arguing in an atmosphere which is not ideal for bedtime.

Why does it always have to be this way?
We had such a lovely calm week last week when he was in London and I swear bevaiour improved dramatically.

I've suggested he take the Supernanny approach and told him it works for me, but he has this notion that kids need to be 'scared' of their parents. (Too scared to misbehave)

How many more years will it take him to realise it's not working?
And how can I stop myself from arguing with him for messing up all my hard work?

OP posts:
nutcackle · 02/10/2005 19:41

Your dh is my dp, we had that exact conversation earlier.

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 19:43

Sometimes I feel it just isn't worth it. I can't stand to hear it.

I have to say, once he has finished the shouting and they've all finally calmed down, he does the reading bit birlliantly.

But the shouting drives me mad. It makes the kids shouty and stressful.

OP posts:
nutcackle · 02/10/2005 19:45

All of my kids shout and i've told dp that it's because he shouts at them but he doesn't listenm.

I want to try supernannys appraoch too but dp reckons it's all crap.

WitchWamBam · 02/10/2005 19:50

Kids don't need to be scared of their parents ... I was scared of my mother, and it's a horrible way to feel. Part of the reason I have such low self-esteem is because I was scared of my mother - she didn't only shout, she was violent too, so it's not quite the same situation, but to feel scared of the person who should love you most and who you want to love but are too scared of to love is vile.

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 19:51

So was his mother witchwambam. You'd think he'd know better.

OP posts:
monstersmummy · 02/10/2005 19:52

ur children should NOT love thru fear of what will happen if they don't. i spent my childhood loving thru fear. I think u need to have words about the shouting. and if noi improvment put them to bed urself.

WitchWamBam · 02/10/2005 19:53

If he's been in that situation then yes, he should know better. Respect based on fear is no respect at all - would he listen if you reminded him how being scared of his own mother felt?

monstersmummy · 02/10/2005 19:56

if thats the case then he has learned to be "shouty" and it needs to be unlearned, as wwb has already suggested remind him of how it felt for him

merrygoround · 02/10/2005 19:56

Mine does it too. I ask him if he thinks he is running a f*ing boot camp or being a parent. He usually storms off for a beer at that point.

I suggest you never, ever try to discuss it at the time. Always wait till a calm time when its just the two of you. Don't bang your head against a brick wall, if he really has no doubt at all about his parenting style then no amount of hinting about supernanny is going to help!

I sometimes go out when dp is doing bedtime if its turning into a battleground, as i suspect both he and my dd are influenced by my presence - dd possibly gives it a bit more of the blue murder screaming in the hope that she will get me instead of dp to put her to bed, and dp possibly feels that I am judging him from downstairs and the stress makes him even more harsh.

cod · 02/10/2005 19:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 20:06

I think he feels that because he's 'only' shouting and he's not actually physically violent (as his mum was) the kids should think themselves lucky.

OP posts:
WitchWamBam · 02/10/2005 20:08

He's wrong.

monstersmummy · 02/10/2005 20:10

shouting invokes as much fear imo (and experience) its a way of holding (and lauding) authority over ppl

leaving this thread now .....

Enid · 02/10/2005 20:12

sounds like you have diametrically opposed views on parenting

from what I have read of your posts I would never imagine you to have a shouty dh

does he respect the way you do it at all?

ssd · 02/10/2005 20:13

I've got this problem too, tonight I ended up shouting at dh to stop going on at the kids!!

Please tell me what supernanny says about it all, I love her but I've missed this bit.

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 20:33

ssd she says get down to the kids eye level and say what you want in a low, authoritative (not aggressive) tone. It works really well.

My dh shouts like he's one of them iyswim. He actually says things like, 'Why are you behaving so badly? It's not fair.'

He knows he does it, and when he's in the mood he'll admit it's wrong, but he can't seem to stop himself.

I'll keep working on him. I don't know how he can stop because he seems to shout on impulse.

OP posts:
merrygoround · 02/10/2005 21:43

I once told a friend of mine that my dp acted as though he thought his role as far as discipline goes is to frighten our dd into doing things. My friend basically said "isn't that what all dads do?" Mine was nothing like that, but I ended up having a very distant relationship with him, whilst my friend adored her much stricter father. Now, when I find myself freaking out at dp's discipline tactics (which, like yours spidermama he often regrets later)I try to remember that it will not inevitably destroy trust or mean there cannot be a loving, close relationship between him and our dd.

Had to smile at Cod's point that when we shout it is ok. Dp sometimes says "but you shout" when I am criticising him - and sometimes I know HE feels rattled when I go off on one at dd.

Spidermama, do you really think that you and your dp have totally opposite beliefs, or is it not that bad? I could probably not stay with someone who truly was a bully in his nature, but that is different from someone who loses it when stressed, and who can talk about it afterwards and recognise that he may be wrong.

Sorry for the long post, but I've spent a while worrying about the same thing.

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 21:49

No merry we have pretty similar views on the whole, thank goodness! He's not a bully. He just wnats the kids to do what he says instantly, but I don't think it's always realistic. There has to be some bargaining so they feel they have a say and then you can built mutual respect.

Recently we've had a couple of fairly major differences which we are working through.

He knows he shouts. It's more childish than truly aggressive but it spoils my carefully planned calm atmosphere and reverses.

The thing is I want to support him and show a united front, but I can't when he's shouting at them.

OP posts:
merrygoround · 02/10/2005 21:52

Yes, I know what you mean. That's why I took to going out at those times (running, for a walk, to do a shop).

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 21:54

Good idea. Maybe I need to let him get on with it and let go a bit.

OP posts:
merrygoround · 02/10/2005 22:00

It works for me. And you can keep talking about the issues at calm times. I found dp more willing to admit that his techniques were not so great if he knew I had not been overhearing everything.

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 22:01

Thankd merry. I'll give it a go.

OP posts:
merrygoround · 02/10/2005 22:31

Spidermama, good luck. You mentioned working through some differences, so it sounds like there's quite a lot going on for you. Letting go, at least for a while, of the bedtime thing, may be hard, but could bear fruit. Am gradually realising that relationships REALLY ARE hard work!

Original poster
spidermama · 02/10/2005 22:33

You and me both merry.
Night night.

OP posts:
mymama · 03/10/2005 03:50

We have this conversation every day. Mine is not just bedtime though, its eating, playing, dressing, bedtime, getting in the car, bathtime.............. . I hate it. Ihave no idea what to do so will watch here for answers hopefully.