How to get rid of the annoying ex?

[DairyMilk]

Me and DP have been together over 3 years now. In the beginning of the relationship, he was still friends with his ex. I didn't have a problem with this, as I know that some people are just better as friends than more. He was always open about his friendship with her, and it was purely phone/email as she lives on the other side of the country now. However, at the time, I found out that the way they would talk to one another, was very much as if something was still going on. The things he would say to her still make me feel physically sick even now. At the time, he had said he didn't realise what it seemed like, and very sorry. He said he had always spoke to her the way he did in that way. I reminded him that they had broken up so what excuse do they have to be flirty and talk as if they were still a couple. She wanted him to go see her.

DP was very sorry for the way he was, and tbh I believed him when he said he didn't realise. My close friends (who are my friends and know DP iykwim) felt the same way and thought DP wouldn't do anything intentional to hurt me. DP cut all ties from her to prove that I meant more to him than she did and that she didn't mean anything to him anymore. I admittedly checked his emails a few times after this to make sure he kept to his word, and he did. She had also contacted him a few times asking why he wouldn't speak to her, but he ignored her, but told me when she did get in contact.

After a while, she emailed me asking me if things were okay. I ignored this, as I felt it wasn't my place to tell her that DP had cut ties with her. She eventually stopped.

However, nearly two years on, out of the blue I got an email from her asking if DP was okay, and if I could let her know. This was through Facebook, where my profile pic is one of me, DP and DD so obviously she knows we're still together. DP, who doesn't use Facebook much, logged on this morning and found a friends request from her. He said to me that he thought it was pretty random, which I agree. But then he said to me "I do hope you're over this." Now I was fine with it, but that comment really bugged me. Since this all happened, I haven't mentioned her once, or really given her a seconds thought. He just annoyed me with it.

I now also don't know what to do about her. Do we just ignore her again and hope she'll just go away again to just pop up again in the future? I really wanted DP to just tell her the truth back when it all first happened, and just say that he was going to cut ties with her. He told me to delete the message she sent me but I haven't yet. I just don't know what to do. Because when she crops up, all those old feelings and memories of what we went through come up, and makes me feel sick.

So, as well as venting, what would you do? Would you tell DP to tell her to back off, or message her yourself, or just leave it alone again?

Just leave it alone. It's odd that she is still attempting contact. And good on your partner that he has done everything you asked. I don't know why his comment annoyed you tbh. He knew you were upset at the time and was asking how you feel now.

Block her on FB.

My advice would be to just leave it. Having had bad expereiences with my dh ex wife on and off for five years! I look back and think it could have been handled so differently and to ignore and leave the past in past is the best thing. Get on with your life with dp and dont look back because these situations can become all consuming and i know whats that like and it aint good!!
Just block her on facebook then she will get the message. Good luck.x

I think it was more the way he said it that annoyed me tbh.

But I was really pleased when DP took the time to actually see the situation from my POV and deal with it. He is a good man.

Shall block her and mention it to DP and see if he wants to block her as well, and then leave it like you say. Thanks.

Ah, tone always counts. Hadn't thought of that.

Him saying he hopes you were over it doesn't sound great to me.

I think this is more a marriage issue than an ex issue.

Can I ask why he never sent her an email explaining why he was cutting contact, before doing it? If he had, then she might well not have tried to stay in touch as she has. Well - not unless she's a bit of a bunny boiler. If she was simply told she was behaving like a current, not an ex, and therefore it was decided that the friendship wasn't healthy or sustainable, then at least she'd know. If she wasn't ever told anything and they had an okay (lengthy?) relationship and (from their perspective) a good friendship, then perhaps all she needs is a little closure?

I'm not friends with my exes as I don't think I could do that. DH is with his, but she is lovely and madly in love with a guy she met after they split, before he met me. I don't think what you describe is acceptable, and I'm with you on what to do, but I think he should have leveled with her.

Well I'm glad you agree that he should have talked to her about it properly. I think he should have. I'm not friends with my exs, although still in touch with one because he is DD's dad.

I did suggest at the time he told her properly, but I can't remember what reason (if any) he gave me for not wanting to.

If he's anything like my (wonderful, lovely, brilliant) DH?

Total cowardice on the emotional front.

Since there is a bit of history which made you unhappy, why introduce an unnecessary unease into your lives?

WWIFN on relationship threads often writes about "friends of the marriage" - I guess you didn't feel she was a friend to your relationship.

Ignore her.

Is she exwife or just exgirlfriend?
I would change your privacy settings so nonfriends can't see your profile picture and ignore her email and block her.
I don't think she sounds a threat, but she was never your friend so it's inappropriate for her to contact you. If she wants to know how your partner is she should contact him. I keep in contact with the odd exboyfriend, and my exhusband.

Well, it was rude and childish of your DP to simply stop all contact with his friend without any kind of explanation. Even if the explanation was going to be something naff like 'My wife doesn't like me being friends with my ex' or some sort of smug pompous stuff about it being 'inappropriate' to be friends with her.
So she may be getting in touch because she thinks you are a controlling bunnyboiler - have you got rid of any other friends of his?

You'd have done better to make an effort to make a friend of her from the beginning TBH.

Doesn't it depend on what she objected to, SGB? If the conversation was as dodgy as she says, then she has a right to say enough is enough. I would if DH had ever done that (he's close to his ex but it's a lovely friendship and nothing that threatens our relationship). Some people don't change the boundaries after they split up and that can threaten new relationships.

Agree that the DP should have mailed to explain though.

2rebecca - she's just an exgirlfriend.

In regards to me trying to be friends with her, it was a difficult situation. It's not as if DP still saw her, as I have never met her, so it was difficult for me to just email her and be like "hi, as I'm with your ex DP now, I'd like us to be friends so it's all okay". Though the thought had crossed my mind to get in touch with her.

I completely agree that she deserved a reason why from DP and it was probably him being a coward in some ways to just ignore her than to be honest and say something like "I'm sorry, we can't be friends because it is past the line of being appropriate to be just friends."

I didn't have a problem with her being a friend of his in the first year of our relationship. It was only when I found out how they spoke to each other that I had a problem with her. It really knocked my trust in DP as he said things to her that I don't think he should say to a friend, but especially not an ex. He would say things to her like that he thought she looked good, and wanted to see her on webcam, and when she refused, he would say things like she shouldn't disappoint him as he always enjoyed seeing her, and now I feel sick for thinking of it all. She wanted him to go see her, but on his own, because she really missed him...

I said to him at the time, would he ever talk like that with any of his other friends that are girls, and he admitted he wouldn't, and it was at that point, he seemed to realise just how bad it sounded outside their conversations. So my thoughts were he was either not over her or he really was just stupid and didn't realise how bad it was. He kept swearing he didn't have any feelings for her, so his way of proving that was by cutting her out altogether.

It took a long time for me to trust him again, because it did feel like he emotionally cheated on me. Like I said, friends at the time, who know both me and DP have said they didn't think he would do anything intentionally to hurt me, and that he doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships. I am pretty much his first proper relationship as his two exs were on and off. And I agreed with that, I think he is immature in some ways iykwim. But since then he has grown up a lot. I don't think I'm making much sense now. Think I'm just blabbing on.

I think complimenting people you have had a sexual relationship with on their appearance is inappropriate and is going to be threatening to a current partner. Maybe an occasional comment of "I like that dress" or "you are looking good" but not every time you see that person as it then comes across as "I still fancy you". The webcam thing also sounds inappropriate.
It's not clear why they broke up if they still want to shower each other with compliments and see each other.
He should have told her he was stopping contact at the time, but now 2 years down the line I'd ignore her facebook contact and change your profile settings.

There were lots of reasons they broke up. He said she treated him badly, made him jump through hoops, used him for money/comfy life. A mutual friend who introduced us knew DP during this time so knows he had it rough. She then moved away without telling him. I don't understand how they remained friends if she treated him like this. I don't keep in touch with an ex who treated me badly. But when I first met DP, he did seem the type who was on the verge of desperate to have people in his life who liked him for who he was. He has a lot of friends he only knows through the internet and has never met. I understand that, as I went through that and a lot of my friends are people I first met online so I have no problems with that.

In light of all this, I felt that DP was only with me because his ex had moved away and he still had feelings for her but couldn't move with her so just made do with me as second best. He also denied this and said he didn't have any feelings for her. But the way he interacted with her said differently to me as like you say, it's just inappropriate.

Personally, my main objective would have been to stop him speaking inappropriately to her rather than insisting he didn't see her any more! She probably wonders what on earth she did wrong to be treated in such a horrible way. I hope your DH has the courtesy to email and inform her that it was your insecurity that ended their friendship; not anything she did.

Sorry to appear blunt, but what would you feel if you were in her shoes?

borderline emotional affair then. yanbu op. dh is being a wimp. ex dp unless she is quite dim, that the friendship has fizzled out and she should just get on with her life.

I think you need a little work on your self esteem TBH, then you might stop seeing your DP as some sort of pet that you rescued and now own completely. Given that this woman lives miles away and he doesn't see her, you seem to have made a major threat out of naff all.
Bleating insecurity is never an attractive trait: mix it with control freakery and there's a relationship that could rapidly turn sour.

I have absolutely no idea why you are getting such a hard time about this from some posters. Please don't be bullied or made to feel as though you are somehow weird or insecure for not wanting your partner to maintain a relationship with someone with whom there was open, reciprocated flirting when he was evidently in a relationship with you.

I don't read you as insecure and note that you were perfectly happy for him still to be friends with this ex at the beginning, but your response to their interactions (which completely crossed the line) was absolutely normal.

You acknowledge that he dealt with this in a cowardly way and it would have been much better if he had contacted her before and said that he had realised that his behaviour was unacceptable and disrespectful to you and that it was therefore his decision to cool the friendship. I think she would have respected that and it might also have made her think about her own behaviour and response flrting towards someone in a relationship.

By doing precisely nothing, she was left in limbo and probably jumped to the same weary conclusions that some posters here have; that he was only failing to contact her because he had been prevented, by you, rather than concluding that he is a grown man who can make his own decisions about his relationships.

His response to you on receipt of her friend request is telling though, because instead of taking responsibility for his previous cowardice and decision to end the friendship, he is putting the blame back on to you, making it still your problem.

Whatever he does with that friend request represents an active decision by him and don't let anyone tell you differently. He can either respond and say that he has decided they cannot be friends, he can join FB and accept her or he can do what he has done in the past and ignore it, but that will be his call to make.

I wouldn't mind betting that the ex feels that enough time as elapsed that it will be ok to make this casual contact and would be horrified to think that you're uncomfortable with it.

I agree that your dp should've made things clear at the outset - rather rude just to ignore her emails in my opinion.

I'm sure you have nothing to fear from the relationship. I sometimes wonder what some of my exes are up to, though we have enough mutual acquaintances that I tend to hear the odd snippet without getting in direct contact.

If one of them asked to add me as a friend on fb I'd accept but mention it to dh - though we've been together 25 years so I suppose he's unlikely to be concerned!

I also don't see why OP is getting a hard time. She's done nothing at all wrong.

I think it's a little unreasonable to ask how to get rid of the annoying ex when the girl hasn't been in touch for 2 years and seems to be trying to be friendly to both!

It's the sort of thing I'd do but I realise that not everyone would appreciate it!