Why would he act like this?

[SaleItem]

Been in a relationship for around two years, we do not live together but spend a lot of time together at each other's houses. I'm just wondering why he does some things, for instance he got two shower sets for christmas. One off my mum and one off his sister. He got a shave the other night and came out in a rash, blamed the shower gel he had used. I asked which one he'd used and he laughed and said "the one your mum got me" in a snidey way. I asked which colour it was, he said white so I reminded him it was his sister that bought him the white one. All of a sudden he changed his mind, said it wasn't the shower gel that caused the rash but the shaving creme he used????
My mum got me a slow cooker. He used it a few times and decided it was rubbish, he'd never buy one, absolute crap, ruined everything it cooked etc etc. Last week he went out and bought an almost identicle one in the argos sale. I said I thought he hated them and he said "no no, you misunderstood, it's just the one you have, doesn't cook stuff properly but generally they're very good". wtf?
Why would he do this kind of thing? he's not had any falling out with my mum at all so there is no reason for him to act like this, he's only met her a couple of times.

Dump him. He is trying to create a divide with you and your mum, controlling, scary behaviour.

sorry for the quick hijack, but OMG yet another piece of the jigsaw that fits.

I don't think most men have NPD but it's helped me enormously to see that a narcissistic person will be all over you and use you for what are called "narcissistic supplies" e.g. ways to make him feel good/loved/special and then when he's got through all the supplies you can give him and gets bored, he's just not interested. It helped because it made me realise it wasn't me, it really was him! I think if you have low self esteem (as I have had - working on it though) you can be susceptible to narcs because you might feel lucky to have them and they have an over inflated image of themselves so like people to fawn over them or admire them. Nacs are also very controlling and often very critical of others but don't like any sort of criticism themselves. Here ends the narc report!

I was with one for quite some time and figured out what is was, (same as you, it really was him), some months ago but just hadn't heard this connection with food before.

I'm really not sure that this is what the op is dealing with though, as there is little info on the post.

Please listen. This bloke is not a good one.

Sounds horrible to me :(

What is it with some people here constantly accusing men of having NPD or being control freaks ?

I take it you're all highly trained individuals who have studied these forms in depth ?

One short summary from the OP does not give indication nor mean the bloke has NPD or controlling. He may just be stupid !!

I was with a guy who started off like this and he got worse the longer we were together (5 years). I am convinced mine had NPD/BPD and was warned early on by someone we worked with who was a mental health social worker. Since we split, people in his office have noticed his behaviour and the woman he shared an office with had him moved out because she thinks he has a PD.

It starts off with little things that seem as if they can be rationalised away (eg the slow cooker incident) but it does get worse over time.

Mine was very faddy about food too. Nothing I cooked was ever good enough or was ever at the right time.

Sorry to be so down on him but I doubt it will get better. I wasted 5 years on mine hoping he would improve and he got worse but his behaviour was so insidious that I stopped noticing after a while.

I thought it was interesting that after 2 years you're not living together. I wouldn't live with mine. Something stopped me from taking that step. Apparently that is a feature of relationships with narcs-there is a feeling of it never quite taking off.

Have you told him you very much dislike what he's doing? Give him a chance to stop.

(He's right about the wholewheat spaghetti btw, it really does taste like cardboard.)

sounds like a miserable arse to be around to be honest if you move in with him you will get this non stop for ever!!! its his prob not yours, cant offer any advice on how to change him the situation, really as i have never had any success in changing my exH and have watched my father boss my mother around for 40 years, i just think some people are beyond help, and some actually enjoy the moaning and picking a fight they thrive on it.

Having been married to my ex I would say "control freak/potential domestic abuser (psychological/emotional)/general arse".

Run away, run away.

change99 - "I take it you're all highly trained individuals who have studied these forms in depth ?" - well, are you? because one of the first things you'd know about NPD is why most people with it won't get anywhere near a formal diagnosis (not that I mentioned NPD personally as I believe people can still be narcissistic beyond the norm without necessarily having a personality disorder).

"He may just be stupid !!" - or he could be one of those people who are quite happy to let other think that they're being "stupid", whereas they actually know exactly what they're doing: letting people think they "can't help it" so that they can absolve responsibility for their actions.

Viv - very familiar. Ever heard "Is there something artificial in this?" and you say "Er no love" knowing that you used a jar of dolmio instead of peeling 20 fresh tomatoes for the sauce (which I use to do btw). Ah, so glad I'm divorced from him now. And looking back, I find it strange to think I gave in to so many demands. It just wears you down though and you don't realise what you have become until you're out of it.

Men like this really do drag you down. Vivian is right, the childishness of it all is incredible. XH even used to use a horrible sneery baby voice. I shudder to think of it now.

This kind of behaviour is insiduous and wearing. If you do want to salvage the relationship, I think I'd try and have a chat about your concerns and gauge his response, if he's anything but receptive and understanding I'd just end it and cut your losses. It won't get any better.

Mumi - I am a trained councellor, but have not had specific training in personality disorders of this nature, though have attended conferences and seminars on this very subject.

I and my profession (BACP) find it incredibly damaging to label or categorize people into boxes like this especially by way of an online diagnosis based upon a few words.

The best advice and one which I'd echo is from snowpoint and that is for the OP to openly chat about her concerns to her boyfriend to try and establish exactly where/what the problem is, without supposition.

That's good advice Change and I certainly wasn't saying that the op's dp has NPD - sorry if I hijacked things in any way. It's just that some of the traits of NPD were definitely in my exh (and in my recent partner). Whether or not they had NPD or were just very self centred I will never know but it certainly helped to know about narcissism and to realise that deeply self centred people (not just men of course) can use you for what they want and that nothing you do or say will make them think of anything but themselves. I agree that SaleItem needs to talk openly about her concerns with her dp. I think that some of us posting have had very hurtful experiences with partners who started off doing exactly what the op has described her partner doing and then incrementally took it much further. We just want to warn her that there are warning signs of control here but I agree that NPD is not easliy defined and I'm not saying her dp has this condition, as I'm not qualified to say. He does exhibit controlling behaviour patterns though - I can say this with certainty from my experiences, which started in the same way.

If he's like this with you now, only two years into a relationship imagine what he's going to be like in ten years time with perhaps kids on the scene (believe me, it'll get worse).
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this idiot? You deserve better.
I'm sure your mum is lovely and he's jealous of her.

I wish I'd known about NPD as I hadn't a clue. When the words 'personality disorder' were mentioned to me by the mental health social worker we worked with, I shrugged it off as I didn't really understand what it was all about.

Vivian - your post was so familiar to me. I'd have exchanges like this on a daily basis. I remember that my ex had finally - finally! - moved out of his parents' house at the age of 34. I mean, poor dear, he was only on about £55,000 a year so it was difficult for him to afford to rent somewhere...

Anyway, I trogged around the shops one day to find him some housewarming presents, wrapped them up and prepared to give them to him when he was next at mine.

Unfortunately, when he was at mine, we had a row, but I thought that it would clear the air if I gave him his presents. I brought the bag in and put it next to him and said, here are some presents for you that I thought you might like for your new place.

He leaned over, looked in the bag without even touching it and said, "I don't want it". I said, "you don't even know what it is!" He said, "yes, I do, and I don't want it. I don't want the crap that you buy me."

How I didn't end up clunking him around the head with the bag of (very heavy) presents I don't know. I asked if he would speak to his mum that way and he said, "probably".

He gave me a sob story a few hours later of not being able to accept presents gracefully. And I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The tantrums and punching of walls were very childish too and there were days when I said that he could have had an argument with a lamppost, he was just so desperate to blow up at someone.

Oh happy days.....how glad I am that I saw the light in the end.

change99 - do you mean to "label or categorize" others generally, or just in the manner you think has been demonstrated on this thread?

A poster raising the possibility that their OH may fit such a box doesn't necessarily mean that the OP will just accept that without further question to parrot back (which I agree would be as damaging as with any other condition). Obviously personality disorders are complex conditions but your profession is not the only set of people capable of understanding them and acting accordingly.

Many MNers will tell you (and, it seems, are telling you) that having NPD highlighted has not been damaging but has instead enabled them to seek advice from many quarters (not excluding your profession as, if anything, it is regularly recommended) in order to make a more informed, intelligent decision.

I agree that OP talking to her OP is one approach, but "without supposition" goes both ways: she could refrain from supposing he hasn't got NPD, but at the same time she should not suppose that this means he will be reasonable by default. Approaching with at least some caution would be sensible.

Good point, Mumi. I was convinced the problem was with me but ended up spending around £500 on counselling after reading about narcissistic abuse and realising that I wouldn't be able to get over it without some professional help.

It's a suggestion to the OP for her to explore. Had I had any inkling that my ex was so damaged, instead of normalising his behaviour and blaming myself, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did, hoping and wishing that things would magically work out.

I spent years pondering his behaviour and feeling as if I was going mad.

Perhaps he doesn't have NPD but does have selfish and narcissistic tendencies. There's a spectrum after all.

Talking to them is all well and good but can lead to false hope if they appear to change their behaviour. Something to be aware of, Saleitem, if and when you do share your feelings about how you feel.

There is a saying that if you put a frog into a pan of very hot water it will jump out immediately sensing that it is harmful to it, if you put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it up, it will stay sat in the water and boil to death (don't ask me where this analogy came from) but this is the same as DV it creeps up on you, and wears you down and you begin to think its normal, until you get away from the situation you can then look back and realise how absurd it was.

Hi Susie
I can identify with that. Patricia Evans uses that analogy in her book Verbally Abusive Relationships.

It was very true of my situation which is why I suggested above that Saleitem's partner's behaviour may only get worse. Trouble is, by the time it does, you don't see it as unusual anymore.

Jessin - how very true.