Liar Liar

[macdoodle]

I should probably name change but oh well. I know I'm being ridiculous but need some MN straight talking.
My hideous abusive XH is well documented on here, we have 2 DD's 9 and 3, have been seperated 4 years and divorced a year.
I started a relationship with a new man 2 years ago, he was lovely and kind to us, but just not right and a bit too needy, and I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship.
So in October I ended it, and felt very relieved. He continued to send me e-mails telling me he loved me and asking if we could be friends, if he could stay in touch with the girls.
We continued to chat as friends, but didn't meet up. Sometimes the converstaions became flirty and a bit sexy.
Then I discovered he was seeing someone else who was apparantly besotted with him, all fine as I had ended it.
But I felt uncomfortable having some of the conversations we had been having if he was with someone else. After what XH did to me no way was I being the OW. So I told him I felt uncomfortable with the situation as he clearly wanted more than to be friends and I felt we were crossing the line with regards to his GF.
He then tells me he loves me not her and will end it with her, and will I meet him to discuss how we feel and if we do have a future at all.
I tell him I will not be involved in his relationship with another woman, and I cannot promise him anything, but if and when he is free to pursue me I will consider meeting him.
He then sends me his bank card details and tells me to book somewhere for us to meet the next time he is off (he works away).
I have not replied to any of his emails or texts. He is also still emailing my DD1 (age 9).

His new GF has now changed her relationship status on FB (yes yes I know) to in a relationship with him, and posted lots of lovely happy pics of him and her at NY.

So to me it certainly looks as if he is still in a relationship with her (and her seemingly unawares), but is still wanting to meet up with me.

He is a liar right? I didn't want him anyway, I was relieved when I ended it. So why do I feel sad and hurt. I am best to delete his numbers and emails right? Do I tell him why, or just continue to ignore him :(

delete and move on

Sounds to me you are both game players and have both been lying......

I'm not playing games, what am I lying about?

YES, YES, YES!! Send a final email and cut all contact! You don't want to be with him anyway. Imagine this was the other way round and you were the GF...how would you feel about it?

I'm not surpirsed you feel sad, he's just proved himself to be one of the duds. And that's got to feel like a let down.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong so far and I would try to keep it that way.

Send a final email and move on. You'll feel crap and "what if?" at the time, but it will get better.

Hey yeah what is the OP lying about???? I think you have done exactly the right thing and YES he is trying to have his cake and eat it.
mmm cake.

I think it must have been hard for him to have contact with you after you broke up and that might have helped confuse him. That isn't an excuse for leading someone else on but give him time, would have been harsh and difficult to dump someone on NY.

I would leave him to decide what he is going to do in his own relationship, it shouldn't really affect what you do.

Either you want him or you don't either he is free or not and it doesn't sound like you really know. Best for you to decide whether you want him completely separate from him and his new girlfriend. If he doesn't dump her leave well alone - at best he is a mess at worst a manipulator.

You don't want to be with him anyway but have been crossing lines via email and to dump his gf and you'll meet with him? That's what I mean.

Plus why is he emailing your 9 yr old dd, that's just weird why is she so involved?

Sounds like you have both been giving each other false hope. Is it a case of you don't want him, but don't want anyone else to either and that's why it stings?

Drop him like a bad habit. I wouldn't be comortable with fact he e-mailing your eldest D., either. Probably just to get 'leverage'. Move on. He's a wrong 'un

:( thats the problem, I guess I wasn't sure and his persistence and back to the lovely chatty, flirty stuff was making me doubt my decision.
But if I was the GF I would be devastated if I knew what and how he was talking to me, and I will not do that to another woman.
I think I won't send a final email, will just continue to ignore, no good will come of this, we will end up with 3 hurt people instead of 2.
I will have to live with the what if's.

Would still like to know what I am lying about though?

I do agree to stop the emailing to your daughter. He may try to use her to get you by making 'friends' with her etc. Hope everything works out for you!

Hello Mac. I think the only thing with hindsight I would have done differently was when you said you would consider meeting him when he was free to pursue you, because it was extremely unlikely that you would have revoked your earlier decision.

However, in recognition of the fact that he was good to you and for you, after a horrendous time, I would be inclined to send him one final E mail explaining that there can never be anything romantic between you again and that you feel it is in all of your interests that you end the friendship too and wish him well.

I really wouldn't say anything about your Facebook forays and neither would I read anything into what you saw on there. He is clearly hedging his bets here and that's not fair at all on his new GF. Take yourself out of the equation and let them get on with it now.

I would be disinclined to rewrite this as a bad experience, and reframe it as the transitional relationship you needed when your esteem was on the floor, but not right for the long haul. I suspect his new GF is his transitional relationship, but that's their business really.

Well from your op you say I didn't want him anyway but the lead up to that would suggest something different

"Sometimes the converstaions became flirty and a bit sexy."

"So I told him I felt uncomfortable with the situation as he clearly wanted more than to be friends and I felt we were crossing the line with regards to his GF."

"and I cannot promise him anything, but if and when he is free to pursue me I will consider meeting him."

Wanting him to dump his gf to pursue you, so it was either lying to him, leading him, giving him false hope all along so 50-50 or you really aren't over him and don't like he is with someone else.

That's what I meant. That's not the actions of someone who says I didn't want him anyway. If it were it would be quite callous.

Is it a case of you don't want him, but don't want anyone else to either and that's why it stings?

Perhaps? I honestly don't know, I have asked myself this question. Maybe so, or maybe him being with someone else made me realise I do have feelings for him, or maybe him being back to his old chatty self with none of the relationship angst reminded me what I liked in the first place. I don't know, am I allowed to be confused about my feelings?

You don't want to be with him anyway but have been crossing lines via email and to dump his gf and you'll meet with him

The crossing the line occured before I knew he had a GF. I didn't tell him to dump her at all, in fact the opposite, I told him if she loved him and made him happy then he should seriously think about what he wanted as I was not sure about how I felt. He was the one who said he would end it. I said I would not under any circumstances meet him if he had a GF, but would maybe consider it if not, I was trying to be honest. I can see this may have muddied the waters. I was absolutely clear that it may lead no where. I don't think either of us really had closure on the relationship.

Plus why is he emailing your 9 yr old dd, that's just weird why is she so involved

Hde has known her for 2 years, we have been on holiday together twice. They got on well, it is a normal relationship, there are no worrying tones to it. He works away, she had his email address to thank him for birthday pressies etc. I have access to her emails, they are completely innocent in nature, ie hope you and DD2 are well, hows school etc? DD1 knows we have broken up.

See I don't think it was clear, reading it back

"and I cannot promise him anything, but if and when he is free to pursue me I will consider meeting him."

You wanted him to pursue you and it looks like it's given him the wrong impression iyswim?

It does sound like you do still want him, which is normal if you have been getting close.

I wasn't suggesting anything dodgy between him and your dd, but it was only a 2yr relationship, I think you'll struggle with him "using" her to be part of your life IMVHO. I just think it's a bit odd considering.

Whenwill yes you talk sense as normal, I will give it a few days and do that I think. I may run the email through you wise ladies to make sure I am not given mixed signals.

He was absolutely lovely to us exactly when we needed it, I probably would not have got through it without him. I am grateful to him, but more than anything I suspect I am not ready for the kind of relationship he wants, more than it being about him or me.

Emmy thank you, I am appreciating the hard talking making me think about it.
I probably have been giving mixed messages and as he wants so much more that he is fixing on what I say, but he is still with someone else.

He will stop contacting DD1 if I ask him not to, of that I have no doubt. I think 2 years is quite a long time for a 7 and 1 year old. He was a figure of normality and stability, kind and generous to them and me when we had had years of violence, aggression, shouting, no surprise they both got close to him :(

I can understand the mixed signals. 'mr nearly right' is a very tempting prospect at lonely moments but it is worth you remembering that you ended it for good reasons.

...unless of course, you realise it was all just bad timing and you do now see a future with him. Then I would get him to let the GF go and try again with him.

whenwill has put it very well indeed. You need to decide what you want and take decisive actions that finalise the situation and stop the mixed messages.

Agree. you have to have a good think and be as sure as you can that you don't want this man. if you decide you do, then you need to move quick before it gets serious with gf. I don't think he's a bad man for not immediately finishing with his gf, I think he's still hoping for a second chance with you .

Don't touch with a bargepole. he sounds mentally unstable.

I think... I think it hurts you because you have been playing it straight all this time and assumed he was equally honest, but he wasn't. If you'd met someone else you'd have told him so he knew where he stood, and you might have expected the same courtesy. Instead he gave a false impression that it was you he wanted, that there was a relationship there in waiting if you decided to accept it; and then got together with somebody else, without getting round to telling you. Maybe you are the real love of his life, but I'd have thought that most of us would have kept ourselves free if there was a chance of getting back with our true love (not necessarily celibate, but not in an apparently serious relationship with someone else). As you recognise, he did have a right to do this as you were split up, but that doesn't mean he's played it very well. Which suggests that when you felt he wasn't quite right for you, maybe it was this clash of values that your radar was warning you about.

Er, think I missed out a bit, which was that you had a comfortable feeling that there was a relationship available to sink back into if you should want it, but that security has now been whipped away. There's a cold draught blowing through. Time to shut the door.

(Oh I do like my metaphors.)

nice metaphors....how about the draft excluder of a comfy fall back?

It sounds as though you have given him some mixed messages, probably because you yourself are not certain whether you want to be with him or not.

I would suggest that you would know for sure if you did want to be with him properly, therefore once you have ruled that out (due to your indecision) you are best to let him know there will not be a second go at the relationship, and you are very fond of him but feel it is best you both move on.

Be really clear, don't invite him to pursue you in order to have a fallback/protect your own ego. It's not fair, as he clearly likes you more than the new girlfriend and hopes you'll let him back into your life.

But I think you are playing with him a bit, though you probably didn't mean to iyswim.

I understand, and I think you need to see it in black and white here so you can do the right thing and let him move on.

Good luck, be brave, you can be on your own you know. It's pretty good being on your own.

By sounds of your post, seems you know what you have to do, cut all ties

The fact you finished with him in October,makes it clear to me, that you do not want him.Now he has got another female on the scene, possibly making you not jealous [because its clear you don't want him], but jealous of A relationship

It is clear to me you do not want this man, cut all ties. Short email, stating, to leave you be.

Even, if you are interested in him [but I doubt, well not for the right reasons,if you get my drift], he is flirting, chatting inappropriately with another woman, whilst being in a relationship. Making him untrust worthy

Do not know you previous situation with EX-H, but seems to me, after that, you need someone, who you can trust, love, be honest with, and most of all someone you can respect.

Goodluck for future