In love with another man - help desperately needed.

[abigfatmess]

I am in a big mess (hence the name) and desperately need help from wise mumsnetters. I have been with my husband for 15 years (married for 5), we met when I was 18. We have a 13 year old dc. It took a lot of adjustment, but we both settled into parenthood, set up home together etc and made the best of it. Like every relationship, we?ve had our ups and downs. I?ve suffered two major bereavements in the last 5 years, we both have quite stressful jobs and work long hours (although very much enjoy them) and all the normal ups and downs that life brings. Dh is a good man who loves me deeply and has always supported me and what I do in life. He is a good father and the kindest person I have ever met. If I have ever had doubts in our relationship (which have cropped up from time to time and come purely from me ? did I settle too young? Etc) I only have to remind myself of what a good person he is.

In some ways we are very similar ? both very down to earth, similar values regarding family and money, and in other ways we are very different. He is quite ?black and white? and intelligent in a practical way. I have a real interest in the arts, theatre and poetry and tend to (over) analyse everything! Our interests are very separate due to this difference. In hindsight, it is easy to see how problems come up. I have very much invested in my career over the last few years and the differences in the way we look at life have become more pronounced. Hence why, a couple of years ago, I really, seriously questioned my marriage. This was bad enough, until I then found myself falling for somebody who I know socially through my interests. I know what you are all going to say, but for someone who has never once looked at a man in 12 years in that way, it was actually really upsetting.

To cut a very long story short, over the last year, OM and I have chatted (nothing has happened physically) but we both feel very strongly about each other. I have thought and thought about WHY this has happened ? I know that sometimes, someone meets someone else and then thinks of problems within their marriage to almost justify it. That is, if the other person hadn?t come along, their marriage may have ticked along quite nicely. In my case, I think this OM has made problems beneath the surface of my marriage come out very quickly iyswim and it is devastating.

OM works away so we have had a period of no contact (initiated by me). However, he does have family and a house quite near to where I live, so it is not inconceivable that I would bump into him at any time. He knows the situation with me and knows I am going through it. Over the last few months, dh has really been through the mill with me. He doesn?t know about OM ( I just can?t tell him) but he knows that I am questioning everything and the seriousness of our problems. Initially he was angry and upset obviously, but now he is offering to support me through this, even though he knows that the outcome could mean us parting.

I have had some counselling which helped a little but I am going round and round in circles. I have never experienced anything like this. I cry daily and am literally struggling to keep it together. I am normally a very ?together? person who can see things for what they are, but I can?t get OM out of my mind. Dh is a good man, I love him as a best friend which actually, is a good basis for marriage. However, the attraction to the OM is mentally and emotionally (the physical attraction came after that) and the OM is actually not at all, the type I would have imagined being attracted to. I know it sounds clichéd, but its just so bloody natural with OM, and at the moment, so false with dh. However, I also know that the grass is not greener, that OM and I click in some ways, but in the real world, day to day if I were with him, it could be the biggest mistake I ever made.

I then lurch to considering being on my own ? if it weren?t for dc, I would definitely have instigated a trial separation, but I just can?t see this being fair on dc.

I was also hoping that this attraction would wane, but it hasn?t. What the hell do I do?
When I read this back through, I know I probably sound quite coherent, but I am struggling so badly.

Sounds like you've actually used your head as well as your heart in looking at your overall picture here. Quite honestly, it sounds to me as if you're being quite mature about it. That is, you can see that the classic thing with being attracted to someone new is that it just highlights issues with your at-home relationship. You also realise that the grass isn't necessarily greener, etc.

When you first meet someone with whom you can identify so strongly, you see and experience all the best things about them. (The dangers of the 'soulmate' territory.) You can't possibly know their other sides until you spend a lot more time with them.

I think some time on your own might be a good idea. DS doesn't have to know why.. I'm just thinking as I type, and I can't think of a particularly good ruse to bring it about. I'm sure other people could help with that??!

If you have some distance from BOTH men for a while, and also some time just with yourself (these things are equally important, IMHO) then it might give you greater clarity. You haven't ever really had time with yourself as an adult. There are other ways of finding out who you are, and how to satisfy all the different aspects of yourself without doing it through a partner. Be selfish for a while, it really can make you a better person in the long run. You've always had to take a partner or child into consideration. (I don't mean ignore DS and his needs or leave then both ad infinitum, I just mean maybe you could work away weekdays/go on a retreat/..)

Reflect on how you could give yourself 'some' time away from this suffocating situation so that bridges aren't burned unnecessarily.

Is the OM married & have children, too?

Kangoroocaught - he has one son in his early twenties. He separated from his wife quite recently (the actual decision to separate came before we met) but it actually happened a few months ago, although I am aware that is actually quite recent bearing in mind they had been together for over 20 years.

missmehalia - thank you for your reply. I kind of expected it to say 'pull yourself together and appreciate what you have got'! I actually do feel a real urge to be alone for a while. I know that realistically this is tricky and could be very confusing for dc. I am the adult, and I can't just shirk my responsibilities. I am seriously considering renting somewhere to give myself some space but it just seems so bloody selfish of me. I keep thinking - what would I think if a man was posting this? Isn't it just so selfish to think of myself so much instead of dh and dc?

In some ways, it doesn't help that dh is so understanding. I almost think it would be better if he were the type to tell me to go away and sort myself out.

Hi abigfatmess

You are amazingly honest and self aware already. That helps enormously to sort things out calmly. I was in almost exactly your position two years ago but I was blundering about in a state of denial and dishonesty for ages before I admitted to myself half of what you have already said.

What helped me was to start individual counselling to look at how I lost myself in my marriage, looking after everybody except myself. I eventually told DH how I felt about him (numb mainly) and about OM. (OM was just looking for sex and an ego boost and fled once daylight was let in on the affair. I hope he has learned something useful from it all).

I have moved out into my own place near DH and the DC, which is giving me room to think things through. I can see now how much resentment and rage had built up over twenty years. They have all grown up and are being far more independent. I have learned not to take responsibility for everybody and everything.

How will it pan out? I have no idea but I am MUCH happier for being honest even though it has been a painful and difficult time. And my DH has behaved very generously and kindly too.

You can sort this out if you take it slowly. Don't think you need to be with either man, you need time to yourself to sort things out, to be the best wife/mother you can be. That may be selfish in the short term but in the long term it is an investment that is necessary

Nonamesnopackdrill - thank you so much for your reply. I am glad you are feeling happier and you are obviously a very brave person to go through all of this to sort it out. I do actually feel rather numb towards dh. I genuinely do not know about the OM's motives regarding sex. Ok, I'm not stupid! - and I would hope the mental, emotional attraction is as great for him as it is for me and not just sex. But, he is a man (!) and possibly a confused man after his recent break up. You are absolutely right - I do need to focus on me and I do need to take it slowly and not be with either man necessarily. I would not have any qualms about telling OM this - I don't owe him anything, I know that. What I do worry about is breaking dh's heart and pushing someone away who loves me so much.

But actually moving out is such a big step isn't it? There are financial and practical implications, and it was completely change dc's world. I know I seem so aware, but I feel like crying as I type this, as I know that any path I take will be painful. Dh has been so, so good to me and still is. I can't just keep him dangling can I? He is the type of man who I think would meet someone very quickly, just because he is so lovely. I just wish I could make myself love him as much as he loves me but I can't. I wish we had met when I was older - possibly that may have helped but I can't. I think this is where my distress and upset is coming from - that realisation that there is no easy way to sort this out.

That's good about the OM, if he was still with his wife/had young dcs we'd all be shouting noooooo. And you do sound very switched on re OM too.

So if you left dh it would be for you, not for another man, iyswim?

So does the prospect of living on your own look better than living with dh?

That's the thing kangaroocaught. I really do not know if it would be 'better' on my own. The problem is that I am (normally) quite a switched on person, you know, the sort of person that other people to for advice. Thats why I'm finding this all so hard, its like I don't even understand myself. I talked alot at counselling about how I would envisage my life to be. My counsellor emphasised that my life would be very different, but whether it would be better is impossible to say. Even dh (who is remarkably astute in some ways) understands that this is the kind of decision where I might not know if it was 'right' until a long way in the future.

I think in some ways life would be alot harder, but it is so hard now because of all of these issues. I think if we parted, I would initally feel a huge sense of relief because the separation will have actually happened instead of it looming all the time and life goes on. So in some ways it looks bbetter and in some ways it doesn't.

I am also acutely aware that there is never a 'a happy ending'. Okay, I could split from dh and meet someone else (whether it be OM or someone else at some point) and never look back. I could also leave dh, and, although there are all of these problems, we have a dc and many years behind us. I also know what its like to have somebody who absolutely loves you and who I can trust 100 percent (although actually, this full on love is sometimes quite tricky to deal with).

That sounds familiar abfm, "full on love" sounds a bit cloying and exhausting. Does your DH give you enough space to breathe? Is he very anxious about losing you and clinging to you?

What helped me was to realise that firstly there is absolutely no hurry to make a decision. If you stay and work at things they may get better or you may realise that you have done your best and it is not going to work out. Secondly you need to keep moving forward slowly rather than standing still. Look at how you can improve your working life, your social life, your fitness and your wardrobe!

And why shouldn't there be a happy ending? You have no idea what will happen in the future but it is likely that you will have chosen it.

Nonamesnopackdrill - dh isn't that clingy. When he first realised the extent of my unhappiness, he was clingy, but I could understand why. To be fair, he has since given me alot of space, or, as much can be reasonably given when you both still live under the same roof!

I do see what you mean about the time thing. But its so hard, because in some ways, I feel that I'm possibly giving dh false hope by staying put. I know that might sound silly and dh certainly isn't stupid, but I already feel that I'm being unfair to him (although not intentionally) and by being under the same roof, this will continue.

I also understand about focussing on other aspects of my life. I already have a really good circle of female and male friends both through work and other situations (and I'm not counting OM!). I also do kickboxing, swimming etc and really enjoy keeping fit. I also find my job really fufilling. I think the only thing that I do find hard to fit in is relaxation time, but thats nothing new when your a working mum.

What I do know (and I'm not sure whether you found this too) is that I feel so emotional. The thought of moving out (or doing something 'final' ifyswim) in some ways I think would be a relief. However, the thought of actually doing this makes me cry. I don't know though, if my tears are coming from a feeling of guilt or failure because ultimately I am putting myself before dc and dh. I just can't work it out.

NoNames, what brilliant advice. Settling with someone at such a young age sounds quite cloying, although you've obviously grown up together.

Is there an age difference?

I particularly like what NoNames said about the fact there is no deadline. Don't panic, you don't have to make any changes at all if you don't want to.

could you have a trial separation see how the land lies? I wold suggest not seeing OM while you get your head round the situation

missmehalia, dh is 8 years old than me.

I do understand what is being said about not doing anything. But what would you suggest I tell dh? Interestingly, my counsellor did talk about this as one way of going about things, but said if I did it, I should be very explicit about the fact that things aren't right, ie, making sure dh knows I'm not staying because I think we'll be okay, but because actually, I don't know if things will be okay! Otherwise, things go along, and then all flare up again one way or another. I can see the sense in this, but feel that dh will try to get close again which is why moving out seems the only option.

cybilscissorhands - I think a trial separation would be good for me but am so worried about dc.

ABFM your life already sounds pretty well balanced. It is tempting to make yourself so busy that you don't have any time to think, but actually sometimes you need to have empty time to give you room to reflect.

You know you are going to have to stop talking to OM while you sort this out don't you? You will never be able to work out whether you and DH have a future together while he is "under the bed" as the MN adage goes. If you are meant to be with him then he will still be there after you have worked it all through, and if you aren't then he needs to go sooner not later. That is a tough one but you won't find anyone on this board recommending staying in contact with him while you try to sort out your marriage.

I would tell DH exactly what you have told us, that you aren't sure what you want. You could add that you will give it all you have got and see if you can make things better.

In my case my resentment got in the way of a whole hearted effort to put things right. I needed to address that first. Still a work in progress! My DC (who are older than yours) seem to be coping fine although they get grumpy sometimes. I agonise over them though.

nonames - I know exactly what you mean about OM. I have actually considered moving away because of this. I know that sounds over the top and actually completely unfair to uproot dc, but the problem is that I know I will see him from time to time. I'm not putting obstacles in the way - obviously I can absolutely minimise contact with him which means any contact would be few and far between and only coincidental (our town is very small). I think in some ways, this is what is leading me to feel so bloody desperate because I KNOW that I need to not have anything to do with him, and actually, I feel I am capable of controlling it but I can't control it 100 percent iyswim. Obviously its so much easier when he is not about at all.

You are so right, that if he is the one for me, he will still be the one for me, in say, 2 years time when I've sorted myself out.

I also meant to say that its so hard not being able to tell dh the whole story. I have considered it, but I think it would just be too much. There has been a couple of occasions in the past where dh has made reference to how well OM and I get on but thats about it. Its like I'm lying to him but I just can't be 100 percent honest because I'm not sure there would be any coming back from it. Its such a shame, because actually, with so many things, dh is very understanding and so would probably give great advice if it were anybody else.

This desire to 'connect' with someone else seems to be the final sign that the relationship you are in is over.He may or may not be the one you sound like you need space.Do you think your dh may also enjoy some space from a relationship where he knows the other person is unsettled?A trial separation sounds good

With regards to your DC, weigh up the pros and cons of having some separation. You're separating (for a short or longer time) from the dad, not the child. And who knows how long for.. but I think if the sense of suffocation continues for you, it may make it even more difficult for DC in the long run? He'll know you're unhappy. And thank heavens for modern technology, there are so many ways of DS and you maintaining as much contact as you both want. I know it's not the same.. but things will continue to change, and not all change is bad. If you create physical distance from DH, then ironically you may have far more to offer as a parent.

You sound like a really switched on soul. I think you'll be OK!! Keep posting on here if it help you.

helps

Its bizarre missmehalia. I know I sound switched on, but I'm having a rotten day and tonight I just can't stop crying! I do wonder whether part of me is grieving for the potential and probable loss of my marriage as well as trying to cope with my feelings for OM (although I have to say that he hasn't featured in my thoughts as much lately). In some ways, that makes it worse -having not been in contact with OM for a while has helped in terms of my feelings for him - but I thought it would clear my mind in terms of helping me feel differently towards dh but it hasn't.

I have to say that I am veering towards the trial separation. You are absolutely right about the effects on dc. I am well aware that dc is noticing mum crying (I try to hide it but I know children pick up on absolutely everything) and thats not good. I guess my reluctance to take such a big step is tied up in so many things - it would be like I was failing I guess, or letting my 'family' down. I also see it I suppose as 'leaving', almost like I'd be deserting dc, but I know thats not true. I guess its just because I'd be leaving the family home that it would be feeling like I was leaving my family.

Dh is sensing I'm suffering - he said something lovely tonight - that although he is devastated at the thought of us splitting, he would rather see me happy with us separate, than keep watching tear myself apart with him. However, he also insists that he will 'stand by me' and give me as much time as I need to make any decisions. Ironically though, I think it is this understanding that is actually making it harder for me to make the decisions ifyswim?

Also meant to add - dh is actually away at the moment - he sometimes goes away for work for about a week at a time but we do still talk alot on the phone.

The upsetting thing is that I really enjoy my space when he is not around, I just become 'myself' which sounds awful doesn't it? I know thats not the real world - after all, he comes home and it can be very lonely being on your own all of the time. But why do I feel so bloody different when he is not around?

It is so unfair of you to not tell your DH the truth.

You have the luxury of making informed decisions about your future, but he does not. That is not fair. In fact it's cruel.

Please tell him.

You will never progress in your relationship with DH if he doesn't know the whole truth. Never. And if you leave him, without the truth he won't be able to heal. It's fucking hard, and will be excruciating for both of you. But, speaking as a W working on her marriage after finding out about H's physical and emotional affair for the last 11 months, you have no idea what a spouse who loves you can forgive. You owe it to him to be honest. TELL HIM.

Hey OP, I just wanted to say that you are being very hard on yourself. harder on yourself than your DH is. You don't need to torture yourself so much. Couples splitting up happens all the time and for worse reasons and under more difficult circumstances. It doesn't mean there is something deeply 'wrong' with you or that you are flawed. Sometimes, relationships just don't work out, for a range of reasons. Would you be this hard on your best friend if she was in this position?

The best thing you can do is to treat yourself and your DH with respect and do the right thing, which deep down you already know. I only say that because you'll be co-parenting with DH for the rest of your lives, so it's best to handle the situation with as much grace as you can muster. Treat him kindly, but be firm about your decisions. Being indecisive is probably harder on him than making a choice and sticking to it.

I also think the OM is a symptom of a deeper issue. So please don't pin any hopes on him. You have to be sure that you would be happier alone than with DH, not happier with OM than with DH, iyswim.

You essentially have two choices, stay with DH and feel miserable, dissecting your own psyche and your relationship. Or leave, temporarily or not, which only time can tell.

Ah, ABFM, this is the hardest bit - anticipating that change is coming, and not even being sure yourself what it will be. But you're at a point where you can look back and at the present and be grateful for the good things you've had and still have... guilt/guilt/gratitude/longing for freedom/curiosity/guilt, these are all things so many of us have felt. You can be touched and moved by someone's love or support and yet not be able to return it in the way they want and need. At first you see how lucky you are to have it, and then you see that, as you cannot return it, it's better to be honest about how it really is. If they're looking to have equality of commitment then it's particularly crucial to be honest when you know how to find the words.

Thanks heavens for counselling. And for the nowadays socially acceptable option of some time on your own. I see you're already noticing yourself giving OM less space in your thoughts.. well done. Not that he's a bad 'un, or anything, it's just that transitional relationships can be just that. And that's OK too.

Keep going, this will gradually get easier. You never know, H may offer to leave..

thank you everybody for your messages and advice.

missmehalia, you do speak lots of sense and your words are comforting.

It is gutting that someone who 'should' be potentially so 'right' for me isn't.I will miss him so much as a friend. He says will will still be friends but I know, realistically this may happen, not as in proper friends.

It is so scary, not knowing how things will turn out in the future. I know that any decision will have good and bad consequences. I wish I could be that person that could give dh everything he gives me. I guess this is why I've given so much emphasis to OM - its probably not so much him - but all that he's brought to the forefront of my mind thats been lurking for a while.

In trying to work out my feelings for dh, I've often imagined what it would be like if he was with someone else. I think I would be sad and not necessarily indifferent, BUT in such a way that I wish it could have worked out for us if I had been a different person. Does that make sense?