In love with another man - help desperately needed.

[abigfatmess]

I am in a big mess (hence the name) and desperately need help from wise mumsnetters. I have been with my husband for 15 years (married for 5), we met when I was 18. We have a 13 year old dc. It took a lot of adjustment, but we both settled into parenthood, set up home together etc and made the best of it. Like every relationship, we?ve had our ups and downs. I?ve suffered two major bereavements in the last 5 years, we both have quite stressful jobs and work long hours (although very much enjoy them) and all the normal ups and downs that life brings. Dh is a good man who loves me deeply and has always supported me and what I do in life. He is a good father and the kindest person I have ever met. If I have ever had doubts in our relationship (which have cropped up from time to time and come purely from me ? did I settle too young? Etc) I only have to remind myself of what a good person he is.

In some ways we are very similar ? both very down to earth, similar values regarding family and money, and in other ways we are very different. He is quite ?black and white? and intelligent in a practical way. I have a real interest in the arts, theatre and poetry and tend to (over) analyse everything! Our interests are very separate due to this difference. In hindsight, it is easy to see how problems come up. I have very much invested in my career over the last few years and the differences in the way we look at life have become more pronounced. Hence why, a couple of years ago, I really, seriously questioned my marriage. This was bad enough, until I then found myself falling for somebody who I know socially through my interests. I know what you are all going to say, but for someone who has never once looked at a man in 12 years in that way, it was actually really upsetting.

To cut a very long story short, over the last year, OM and I have chatted (nothing has happened physically) but we both feel very strongly about each other. I have thought and thought about WHY this has happened ? I know that sometimes, someone meets someone else and then thinks of problems within their marriage to almost justify it. That is, if the other person hadn?t come along, their marriage may have ticked along quite nicely. In my case, I think this OM has made problems beneath the surface of my marriage come out very quickly iyswim and it is devastating.

OM works away so we have had a period of no contact (initiated by me). However, he does have family and a house quite near to where I live, so it is not inconceivable that I would bump into him at any time. He knows the situation with me and knows I am going through it. Over the last few months, dh has really been through the mill with me. He doesn?t know about OM ( I just can?t tell him) but he knows that I am questioning everything and the seriousness of our problems. Initially he was angry and upset obviously, but now he is offering to support me through this, even though he knows that the outcome could mean us parting.

I have had some counselling which helped a little but I am going round and round in circles. I have never experienced anything like this. I cry daily and am literally struggling to keep it together. I am normally a very ?together? person who can see things for what they are, but I can?t get OM out of my mind. Dh is a good man, I love him as a best friend which actually, is a good basis for marriage. However, the attraction to the OM is mentally and emotionally (the physical attraction came after that) and the OM is actually not at all, the type I would have imagined being attracted to. I know it sounds clichéd, but its just so bloody natural with OM, and at the moment, so false with dh. However, I also know that the grass is not greener, that OM and I click in some ways, but in the real world, day to day if I were with him, it could be the biggest mistake I ever made.

I then lurch to considering being on my own ? if it weren?t for dc, I would definitely have instigated a trial separation, but I just can?t see this being fair on dc.

I was also hoping that this attraction would wane, but it hasn?t. What the hell do I do?
When I read this back through, I know I probably sound quite coherent, but I am struggling so badly.

ABFM - you feel lighter when DH is away, a bit more free. This tells you something - you are not entirely comfortable, and not really yourself, when he is around. Now this may be because you are harbouring a secret, or it may be this is how it always is.

You say it's not because he's over-clingy. But is he somehow preventing your growth? Is he binding you to a certain persona that he wants you to be, but which you feel ready to abandon?

Something not yet picked up on in previous posts is this: he is a person of practical intelligence, you are more artistic, perhaps more romantic and idealistic. I think you have a longing for something "more' in your life, something deeper. This longing has manifested itself as a falling in love with OM. But you admit yourself that the target of your feelings - the OM himself - may not prove ultimately worthy.

You will need to find out what the missing ingredient is; it may not be because DH is the "wrong" man for you. But maybe in your very busy life you need something deeper and more nourishing. In my own case, remarkably similar to yours in many ways, this led to going on retreats and a strengthening of spiritual values.

Good luck to you, you're not a mess but you have reached a crisis point in your life, and new growth may come out of it. You have a chance to remake yourself. Like other posters have said, there is no need to rush. Be kind to yourself, and listen to yourself. Don't spend too much time thinking (sounds like you've done so much of that already) but rather just be very aware of how you feel from moment to moment. If you listen to yourself carefully, changes that you may need to make will be revealed.

There are all kinds of routes to self-fulfillment that don't involve a partner. Maybe it's worth exploring those (as almostgrownup pointed out) during your time for yourself and see how that makes you feel, rather than seeing yourself as caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Avoid the feeling of 'should I stay or should I go' and the dread that you feel at both options, and think about what else you could incorporate in your life instead... just a thought.

Immersion in some aspect of the arts, travel, spiritual exploration.. all of these can be hugely inspiring, and would give you something that you haven't had time for previously. And they're all things you may have done in your twenties if you'd had more time for yourself. Would something like this in your life mean you wouldn't feel so trapped?

almostgrownup - sometimes I feel that dh is binding me, but certainly not intentionally, he has always encouraged me to pursue what I wish to do, although I do think he struggles to understand sometimes (as he tells me) the sorts of things I think about, and to be honest, the way that I sometimes look at the world. Well done for making changes to enhance your life. Certainly, I may be looking for 'something', this was suggested in counselling, but I honestly cannot tell you what it is. I also understand about overdoing the 'thinking', it is certainly making me go round and round in circles. I think it is just my desire to make everything right and okay which is pushing me to try and sort everything out. almostgrownup - did you manage to stay in your marriage during your 'change'?

missmehalia, I do think it would do me good to immerse myself in something, although, I do work very long hours and having a dc and home to run, it is tricky. To be honest, I do think about the extent of the hours I work, and whether I need to get some overall work/life balance to then be able to fit in more 'me' time. Having said that, I absolutely love my job and being out of the house, so its a bit of a catch 22 situation!

This certainly does seem to be some sort of 'crisis' or 'turning point' in my life and its so scary. I've never experienced anything like it before. Without dc, I would most certainly pack a bag and my passport and be off for a while, just to sort myself out, but I know its not fair on everybody else.

ABFM - yes I did. But it was all up in the air for a few years and when things settled they were in a better pattern for me. It was a huge and very valuable learning experience, though profoundly disturbing and sad at the time.

I now have one morning off work per week which is just for me - dc at school, dh at work. I read, meditate, draw, or do a course. If you can afford to, this is a wonderful way to build some quiet, regular space into your life.

Btw, you have mentioned dc several times and how you would be off with passport were it not for them, but as she/he is 13 do not beat yourself up about this - you are a person too and the mental well-being of a parent is immensely important to children's happiness.

Sorry things are so scary at the moment. There are no quick fixes but don't turn away from the crisis, keep watching it like you are doing. You don't need to sort everything out right now. You are showing a lot of courage and maturity, and deserve lots of credit for that.

almostgrownup - its so unlike me to want to disappear. I would just feel so guilty but my desire is to do this, just to be completely on my own, away from everyone. Its been so strong, I did wonder if I was having some sort of nervous breakdown, as I've never felt like it before. I guess my mind is so overloaded, the only way out it can see is to 'escape' but I know things have to be faced.

It is interesting that you say your marriage was up in the air for 'years'. That points to the amount of change you went through and highlights for me that there is no quick fix. Thank you for your positive words of encouragement. I would say that I have cried slightly less today than yesterday (!) but just feel so damn emotional.

Hello abigfatmess. I haven't read your thread from start to finish but have certainly got the gist of it; anyway forgive me if I repeat what other posters might have said.

I can entirely relate to so many of your feelings. I am a similar age to you (mid-30s) but unlike you have only been with my DP for 8 years. I have had an emotional affair this past year, which became physical right at the end. I am not proud of it but I believe I fell in love with the OM and - he has now left the country, as I always knew he would. I am heartbroken but trying to move on. I am now going through a very similar 'crisis' to you about my life, my relationship, my wants, fulfillment etc.

You are right, sometimes affairs happen in happy relationships where nothing is really 'wrong'; but I feel, like you, that my EA actually served not only to highlight problems in my relationship that have always been there but it woke me up in a way. Made me realise just how unhappy and how unfulfilled I have been for a long time.

It's good you've had counselling. I've been doing this too, and couples therapy. Have you tried this? Like you, I feel me and my DP are essentially unsuited (he also has a slightly cruel streak that has caused a lot of long-term damage) but I want to try and give us one more chance. After all, I loved him so much at the start.

Gosh, this isn't really advice is it? It's me telling you my story. Sorry. What I mean to say is that I think the other posters are right, and you too - I think you need to spend some time on your own. Would a trial separation be possible for you? I would like to do this with my DP but our kids are so young I don't know if I can. Plus my DP would see it as a total rejection of him and knowing him would then tell me that we're obviously totally over and should just forget it. It would probably end us for good.

I can totally relate to your feelings of just wanting to grab your passport and run away for a bit. This EA of mine, like your feelings for the other man, have kind of shaken me to the core because it's suddenly made me question everything about my relationship, my life, my choices, - everything that, in truth, I have been questioning for a long time but had just been burying my head in the sand about it all.

I hope you find some answers soon. You got together with your DH at an extremely young age. I'm sure a part of you craves all those things that many of us get to do in our twenties when we're free and single. Also, at 18, you weren't even fully mentally and emotionally developed. You will have changed A LOT from the person you were back then. And it sounds like you have developed interests, needs, desires very very different to those of your DH.

I don't think you should keep yourself tied to a person just for the sake of your DC. You need to be a happy and fulfilled parent for your child.

But make sure, as I'm sure you will - you sound very emotionally intelligent and self-aware - that you are not blaming your DH for what is missing in your life. If you realise in time that you will be much happier alone (and eventually, maybe, with another man) then perhaps it will be best if you end your marriage whilst you still have so many years ahead of you. The very best of luck to you.

I will be watching with interest as I feel I am on a similar path to you.

Yes, I second all of that! Even those of us in fairly happy relationships do feel completely suffocated if all we've done is look after others in some form or other. To that end, I've been chasing childminders this morning to make a half day a week just for myself. I'll have to give up one or two other things to afford it (must learn to cut my own hair..) but I think it will be worth it. I spent a long time on my own before now, and got used to a certain amount of time alone which I now miss. I really think I'm someone who needs a lifelong commitment to fulfilling all the aspects of myself (physical, spiritual, intellectual, creative, emotional) in order to remain happy and giving without martyrdom in the middle of domestic family life. It's not right for me to look to my family to have that responsibility.. how could they possibly know or understand all that??!

Good luck with it all!! It's too easy - for women in particular - to sacrifice an awful lot for others, and then feel angry/resentful/lost etc.

Hi abfm

Hope you woke feeling more positive today. I have been de-christmassing the house as 12th night is almost here.

I love the feel of a fresh new year and a fresh start. Paper white narcissi on the kitchen table just give me such a boost in January!

Have you considered a religious retreat? If you have any belief then your church could probably give you a link, or you can go on a spiritual non-denominational one. A few days away meditating and praying might be just what you need.

Otherwise just a weekend away in a B and B might give you a bit of breathing space. It sounds as though your DH would take care of things at home if he understood how much you need space at the moment.

missme I totally agree a with you about the sacrifice and the resentment. That is what has broken my marriage

Thank you for your messages.

nonamesnopackdrill - I am not religious but am considering time alone somewhere at some point.

mabelmay- thank you for your post and Im sorry to hear you have had such a rough time. It sounds like you have been very strong and at least you are making a good go of things with dh. I am also assuming you told dh about OM, whereas I haven't and am not sure that I can bring myself to.

Although nothing physical has happened, to be honest, I feel that the emotional side is just as 'bad' in terms of how it has rocked me. I had felt fleeting attractions to other men once on a while, but absolutely nothing major. For some reason, the OM, who is actually the opposite of dh in so many ways and who I think, most people would not 'put' with me, was someone who I just clicked with.

Over the last few months I have felt guilt, sadness, panic - and its like I'm in a fog and I can't see past my hand. I think this is what is giving rise to the urge to 'escape', something I have never felt before. Okay, we?ve all had bad days where we imagine ourselves to be somewhere else ? but this is sometimes like such a desperate urge, its like I have to remind myself to breathe.

Although I feel dh and I have now got our differences, he is ultimately a good man and he has supported me through various things particularly through building my career (which ironically, hasn?t helped our relationship long term because I?ve invested so much into it). However, he was and still is, intelligent enough to know that I would be at a loss without such a focus in my life and instead of hindering that, has always chosen to support me.

I have thought and thought about why I been susceptible for falling for someone else. I know the obvious, like flattery, extra attention etc, but I?ve never fell for it before. Even when I?ve been chatted up in the past and I?ve felt some attraction, I?ve always been level headed enough to think ?this just isn?t worth it?. So why now? I guess things actually begin to happen or fall apart a lot earlier than we actually realise. Even though dh hasn?t ever actually ?done? anything and my career focus meant less time for us together, I lost a very good friend and my mother a few years back in a small space of time and I think this ?hardened? me emotionally. Dh has always wanted to be a ?fixer? but even he had to admit that he couldn?t ?fix? this and actually, didn?t really understand because so far, he hasn?t suffered any major bereavements in his life. I?m glad in some ways that it made me emotionally stronger but it did change me. I think my job has also changed me ? made me more confident and so on ? although I have to say that dh has never minded this (not that he should, but some men feel very threatened if their partners are out in the real world). Possibly dc becoming of an age where he is more independent has also changed me, although I?m not so sure. But it is very different being a parent to small children and I think your identify is far more tied into being a ?mother? when your children are small.

What I do remember is having a rather bad feeling when we moved house about 2 and a half years ago. DH was very keen and it was certainly a step up the ladder. The move also involved us moving closer to family and friends (we?d moved away for a short while for work reasons which we were both happy with), but we were both very happy to ?come home?. I don?t think the actual move in terms of location has changed me ? as I said, we were both happy to move back to our town ? but the whole entity of buying our dream ?forever? house, for some reason, frightened the life out of me. I put it down to the bereavements I talked about before ? another change was possibly making me feel down ? but this feeling hasn?t left me, and I still have very little interest in our ?home? whereas it seemed to ?complete? dh.

I think my other major worry is seeing OM. As I said, he does work away for periods of time but does have family and a base here. He has been here on and off for many years so I can?t expect him to just stop coming here. I think I can control these feelings if I don?t see him and I can minimise contact. I just know, realistically, that I will see him/bump into him at some point. I just know it. And I think he will phone at some point (although I know I can ask him to stop). How the hell do I sort this out when there is any chance of contact?

I can definitely see so many benefits of a trial separation but am worried about the effects on dh and dc. I THINK dh would be understanding, but it is such a big step. I also torture myself about my feelings for dh. My gut feelings are that I love him as a friend. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing and when we have had it (rarely) its quite impersonal, because I just can?t connect with him. However, I also wonder how I would feel if, in say two years time, he was with someone else. I think I would feel pleased he were happy but also very sad and I remember my counsellor saying that if I didn?t love dh, I would feel completely indifferent to him.

I?m sorry for going on so much mabelmay, but thank you so much for your post.

Meant to add - we haven't always had sex only 'rarely' (!) , but its been like that for the last few months.

I'm curious about what might really be going on here. You're obviously a thinker OP, with a good memory for events in the past and your feelings about them.

It might be that you need some space on your own to sort out your true feelings, but a few things absolutely stand out from your posts.

You endured two significant bereavements in quick succession. You think this has hardened you, whereas I wonder whether this has actually softened you and made you more vulnerable to a new adventure, whether that's an OM you wouldn't have looked at twice in the past, or travelling to far-flung places?

Your lack of sexual desire for your H you say, has only happened in recent months, therefore coinciding with your emotional affair. I would imagine the two are significantly connected.

Your H loves you and has supported you in all you want to do. In fact, he loves you enough to let you go, which is as near to unconditional love as you're ever going to get. Therefore, give him the gift of honesty and tell him about the OM. If your sex life has deteriorated in recent months, it will have crossed his mind that there is someone else.

He might be in desperate denial, or it might be adding to the pain he so clearly feels. It is always unfair to make any relationship choice without telling the other person what has led to that decision. You are deceiving your H and have been for some time. He really doesn't deserve that.

I accept everything you say about your unease dating back to before you met the OM, but I have found that whenever human beings do something they fundamentally believe to be wrong and out of character, there is always a tendency to rationalise it and "find" reasons for it. Your feelings of unease about the new house might you see, have been attributable to other things, but you are pinning them now on your dissatisfaction with your marriage.

Whatever you decide, try at all times to treat your H with dignity and honesty, not secrecy and deceit. I have a feeling that if you came out of the shadows about this with your H, his responses might just surprise you and might even cause you to re-evaluate what you currently believe about your marriage and your dissatisfaction within it.

"Whatever you decide, try at all times to treat your H with dignity and honesty, not secrecy and deceit. I have a feeling that if you came out of the shadows about this with your H, his responses might just surprise you and might even cause you to re-evaluate what you currently believe about your marriage and your dissatisfaction within it."

YY. Yes yes yes.

OP Please really, really think about what Whenwillifeelnormal says. I really think she has made some excellent points and I agree with her entirely.

Nothing in your original post tells me your marriage is over, maybe you have lost your way a little bit in life and have a lot to think about and this emotional attachment to the OM is a diversion.
I truly dont see OM as featuring in your future and I hope in time you can again feel that you have a gem in your husband.

I do agree with what WWIFN has said about honesty; I am hoping I can follow this mantra too, although so far no, abigfatmess, I have not told DP about OM.

The OP may have "a gem" of a husband but that doesn't necessarily mean that she should stay with him for the rest of her life, or necessarily still be in love with him. Not saying she shouldn't, but there is more going on...

Abigfatmess, deaths to those close to you can make you re-evaluate your own life. The panic and claustrophobia you describe could partly be related to your recent move because suddenly it's as if the rest of your life has been laid out before you: this is where you're going to live, this is who you're going to be with, this is your life. "Is this it?"

The fact that the OM is, as you say, the antithesis of your DH. That's significant I think. It was/is exactly the same for me. OM and DP polar opposites. I'd like to write more about this because I think it's a really important point - but I'm rushing now and have to work!

I hope I can write again in a bit.

Take care.

wwifn - thank you for your thoughtful post. I have read and reread and understand what you are saying. Our sex life however, has always had its ups and downs (excuse the pun!) and the timings did not coincide with OM. I can honestly say that there were problems before OM, although I admit that my feelings for OM did cause them to come to the surface very quickly.

I have thought long and hard about being completely honest with dh. I know it is eating me up not telling him - but - there are reasons why I feel I cannot tell him. During counselling, it was suggested that I should only tell him when I felt in a position to do so and if I did it with the definite decision to work at our marriage (if he so wanted). I was advised that I shouldn't tell him if it were only to make me feel better, and I think at this point, if I'm honest, that would be the reason.
I feel that I need to deal with the guilt etc myself first even though I know it is ultimately unfair to dh.

Also, dh does know of OM as a person. They are not friends and do not spend time together but we live in quite a small town and there is a very good chance he would bump into him. I actually feel that if I did tell dh, and he chose to stay with me, that we would have to go so far as to move away. I know that sounds very dramatic, but I just cannot see that dh could be that accepting (and I can#t blame him for that).

Mabel may - you are exactly right in that the move (and possibly the bereavements) did cause me to feel 'is this it?'. I would be very interested to hear about your thoughts on the OM being the antithesis to dh.

Actually, it was your husband I was thinking of when I suggested honesty - not your need to unburden yourself. I read all your posts very carefully and saw that your H knew this man and could bump into him. It is therefore highly unfair that he could do so and interact with a man who knows more about his wife's feelings than he does. I imagine you would feel the same if you bumped into a woman who was having a secret emotional affair with your H and you learned later that you had been exchanging pleasantries with someone who had intruded on your marriage?

I understand why your counsellor is saying this and it is a widely held view. However, what I have found in practice is that it hurts a spouse far more in the long run, if their partner leaves without being honest about there being someone else involved.

Knowing that there is infidelity, can really help a spouse process their feelings more accurately, for good and bad. It might help your H to detach more easily from you or alternatively, he might take the pragmatic view that your decisions are being entirely compromised by the newness of the relationship with the OM.

Many spouses feel relieved that there is an OM/OW, because it explains so much, even if their spouse is insisting that they would have left anyway. In my view, they are right to be sceptical about that, actually because whatever you insist, the presence of this OM has had an effect and it has worsened your marriage.

I am not saying that your marriage was as fulfilling as it should have been before the OM came along, or that you ever loved your husband enough - I wouldn't presume to say you are deluding yourself about that at all.

With hindsight, I think as soon as you realised you were developing an attraction to someone else, you should have taken a relational risk and discussed it with your H before you started an affair, along the lines you have described here - that you had previously put the brakes on but this time felt differently. I wonder why you didn't do that, if you say that there were pre-existing problems in your marriage that you were both aware of?

The choice you made instead was to have an affair and keep a secret. From that point onwards, your H's shortcomings and your dissatisfaction cannot have failed to come to the surface. It would have been impossible for this not to have happened, in fact.

Meanwhile, your H was completely unsighted about the inevitable comparisons and was only aware that you were unhappier with him than at any time previously. He is trusting you to be honest with him about your doubts, but although you might have decided that this marriage was never built for the long haul, your decisions will always be blighted while you have feelings for someone else and someone new. I think you at least have to acknowledge that truth, to yourself and your H.

I would not tell DH about OM because I don't think OM is the real issue, but a symbol of a longing for something different and more meaningful. It is likely that you are investing the OM with a host of wonderful feelings and attributes that he doesn't actually possess.

Longings often coalesce into the shape of a romantic 'other'.

If you tell DH, DH will wonder 'what has he got that I don't?' and of course that is a false comparison. It will just make him feel wretched, and will prevent him seeing the larger picture of what is going on inside you. Especially as he is a practical man.

Yes, but even if OM is not the issue, it is still something the OP has DONE. Keeping it from her H is continuing the selfish, disrespectful, cruel behaviour that she exhibited having an affair in the first place. At the moment her H has no idea WHO she really is, and what she is capable of.

Easy, robberbutton. I know you've just had a hell of a time but "cruel behaviour" is harsh. The OP hasn't even done anything with this OM yet. I know us women who have emotional affairs do not cut particularly sympathetic figures but knee-jerk labelling is not helpful. Cruel doesn't come into it. Selfish, yes. Confused, definitely.

I can't write much now but there are very good arguments against her saying anything to her DH yet, until she sorts her head out and figures out what it is that's happening. Obviously we disagree about this.

Cruel: knowingly causing pain or distress to others.

So the OP thought her H would be over the moon at all these conversations with the OM? of course it was cruel.

I appreciate you know where I'm coming from and am obviously projecting, but that doesn't make lying, even by omission, right.

By that definition, telling him would certainly be cruel.

If the OM is a real and deep love, then yes DH will have to know about it - and it will hurt like hell for all concerned.

If OM is a symptom of something else, then better to keep quiet for the moment and try and get over it on one's own.

I agree completely what almostgrownup says.

I KNEW someone would come back with that argument. Of course telling H would be hurt him, but it's a consequence of the OP's actions, something that she has already done that she should now face up to. It's nothing compared to the cruelty of keeping him in the dark. The situation that the OP has got herself into means she has to choose between two evils.

Of course everyone looks at it from their own perspective. How many "involved" partners on this thread are saying 'tell him' and how many "betrayed" partners are saying 'keep quiet'? Not many I bet.

robberbutton totally sympathise with your point of view but in all honesty if my DP had had his head turned by another women but ultimately it was to have no long-term consequences for our relationship, I'd rather not know. If, however, he was contemplating ending our relationship because of this OW of course I'd want to know. But the OP is not at this stage yet. Of course she should let H know if it gets to that point.
Right now, she has a lot to figure out, regarding OM and regardless of him too...

Wish I weren't so rushed every time I wrote here!

There will always be disagreement on this, even amongst counsellors and psychotherapists. The OP's counsellor is suggesting telling all only if the marriage continues. Presumably s/he is advising this, based on the experience that secrets are pernicious to relationships and I think that's absolutely right.

However, something doesn't become less cruel just because someone doesn't know about it. Disclosures like this always cause pain, but they do provide understanding and they also give the deceived person their choices back.

In the case of a departing spouse, many people feel totally conned and hoodwinked when it emerges much later on that there was someone in the shadows all along. It can be truly liberating to discover infidelity, especially if you have the perspective that no relationship or faithful partner can prevent it.

I think when people are doing something that they know if discovered, would hurt someone else, there is always a tendency to create the role of arbiter of what's good for that person and some comforting victimhood that the attendant guilt will be sufficient atonement.

As with all these situations, the truth is always much more complex. There is some of that rationale in most decent people, plus some self-interest and an unwillingness to admit that they were in the wrong and selfish. Depending on the person and the degree of self-delusion, those proportions become bigger or smaller. The person who doesn't admit any self-interest in keeping a secret and pretends that this is all for the good of the deceived party, is the one who needs challenging most about that.

Hence, I suspect the counsellor was wise to counsel honesty if the marriage continues, because s/he has a good antennae that our OP would feel that she was deriving love and benefit from a marriage under false pretences; love that may or may not be freely given, if the truth were known.

OP, perhaps the questions you need to ask are about how much your decisions are affected by self-interest? Whether you think knowing all the reasons for your possible departure will be liberating, or more painful for your H?

Finally, I disagree with you Mabel that the OP hasn't "done anything". Infidelity is not just physical.