I wouldn't have had a baby with the man he's turned into

[AllGoingWrong]

Am really sad, the title says it all really. We have a 6 month old and OH is not coping at all.

The baby is very challenging, cries a lot, gets very frustrated, always been very alert etc. I'm finding it tough and it's often pretty thankless, but somehow manage to make the best of it and don't complain, although of course I've had the odd teary moment.

OH on the other hand, has become grumpy, bitter, short-tempered. He gets angry when the baby cries, and resents the fact that he can't do the things he used to.

He used to be so relaxed and jolly, we laughed every single day and had a great relationship. Now it's all gone, I'm now living with someone I would never have had a baby with, and I'm worried that the baby will pick up on the tension.

He says he can't pretend the crying doesn't annoy him, and that he has a right to express that he isn't happy. I know the baby is particularly difficult, but I think his expectations are too high, eg last night he got really annoyed because she wouldn't self settle immediately at bedtime and he had to go back up to her.

I can't go on like this, I'm looking forward to him going back to work. It's been like this from the start, I used to take the baby out in the pram whilst recovering from a third degree tear just so he wouldn't be in such a filthy mood.

I'm so sad, I waited a long time for this relationship, and was really happy. I'd never been bothered about having kids until I met him, and then changed my mind. I now feel I've ruined the best thing I had, and feel totally trapped. All I can see ahead of me is more of the same, or being a single mother.

Please make me feel better.

(((hugs))) It is hard to adjust, especially when you have your first child, but he needs to pull his socks up and grow up a bit. Your baby is just doing what babies do and he needs to accept that and wind his neck in! I'm sorry your relationship has changed so drastically

Your baby sounds very much like our DS who is now 20 months, as a baby he was an awful lot of work and DW and I coped well at times and badly at others.

I certainly found the sometimes incessant screaming got to me (and still does) and DW found it physically painful to listen to. But as DS has got older and able to express himself life has improved massively - he's still a lot of work, but the 'baby screaming' has pretty much gone apart from when he's ill.

I can't remember when exactly it was, but I think it was between 12 months and 18 months, when DW and I realised things were much better and a lot more fun. In fact so much so neither of us shudders at the thought of another one any more...

Thanks for your replies.

MissQue, I do think some growing up is required. I felt badly let down by him when I was really struggling to get over the birth (I'm waiting for a PTSD referral) and he was so negative and angry, when I was the one traumatised and in such poor health. I just wanted to scream "grow a pair"!

Neil, thanks for your post, I'm really pleased to get a male view on this. OH has one friend who is really enjoying being a new dad, and I don't think he can relate to him at all. Then again, he does have a really easy baby. All of OH's other mates said what hell it would be at least for the first six weeks, and I think that just exacerbated his self pity. That said, we're now well past six weeks.

Neil, do you know how your DW felt about about your relationship at the time? Does she feel she 'carried' you in the way I feel I do with DP?

You clearly had a tough birthin experience and I hope the PTSD diagnosis helps.

Are you BF? Is that going well?

I would say if you are not BF, then look into using Bachs Rescue Remedy. It helped me with my anxiety attacks.

DS was tough, didn't sleep for ANY longer than 40 minutes at any time. The BF wasn't working at all and he was losing weight so I had to FF. That helped.

The first 6m of a baby can be pretty thankless, but very soon things do start to get just that little bit easier.

Are you in a routine yet? That can also help. I found that when DS was bathed, fed and bed earlier it stopped him getting over tired and it affected his overall ability to get to sleep, and then he just wailed. When I had the feeding thing and the routine (I used Gina Ford, it worked brilliantly for me) life improved dramatically in a matter of days, and I started to enjoy the whole thing so much more.

Your OH needs to pitch in and help, regardless of how he feels right now. It's not an option to do nothing but moan. Parenting is NOT a spectator sport.

If you are in a routine, that makes it easier to divide the tasks that need to be done.

The more he does, the more he will bond.

At the moment he is fighting it all and resenting it. This resentment will spread more to you, and you will loathe him for copping out.

Have you talked to him about how his behaviour is making you feel?

We got really bored of the 'the first X weeks are the worst...' type of comments from well meaning friends and relatives! To some extent they were right things did get easier gradually over the first year and a bit, so at any point the first X weeks were the worst, but there was never a point where DS suddenly got easier.

I'm pretty sure DW didn't feel she 'carried' me - I suspect our relationship during those early months was very different to yours and your OH's. DW was a fair way up the Edinburgh scale for much of it and I did as much as I could in terms of support. DS was EBF so this made it very difficult to really give her any sort of a break i.e. whilst I did a lot of the night wakings in the early days there was nothing I could do if DS needed a feed... There were quite a few times when I found dealing with DW quite challenging (and I'm sure she'd say the same about me).

AGW How much sleep are you both getting? Lack of sleep will certainly exacerbate any problems. Also, I get the impression you feel you're carrying your OH, is that purely emotionally or from a practical perspective too i.e. is he doing his share around the house and with the baby? I think if its purely the emotional carrying that's the problem then you shouldn't worry too much as I believe that will get much better as your baby gets older (and more fun!)

DH was like this. I hated him for it - I remember reading somewhere that the single biggest risk factor for a marriage is a bloke who doesn't bother with the kids, as it destroys intimacy. But to be fair I had severe PND so was vile myself.

DS is 2 now and we both adore him - he's a total Daddy's boy, and as I type DS has taken him to the shops to get some food for supper, after playing with his trainset all morning.

I suppose what I'm saying is that the first year after having a baby is often a bit shit, and a baby puts a hand grenade into most marriages. If you can find someone to babysit weekly so you can have time together - even if it's at a parents while you watch TV if you're too tired for a film or meal - ime that can help. But a tough transition into parenthood is pretty common, I think - it's a hard time. Babies are murder in my view - whereas I love parenting my toddler.

Sorry, that should have been DH has taken him to shops etc.

Thanks again for your replies.

He does do a lot round the house, I have nothing to complain about there.
I too had PND (still on ADs), and I'm sure that's made me less able to 'be the strong one'.
I'm FF, and we're in an ok routine, I think what's so tough is how quickly DD gets bored and tetchy but conversely gets overstimulated. Night sleep isn't as good as it once was, she wakes twice a night usually, often once with wind and once to feed.

Have talked to OH, I think he feels guilty and embarrassed, which of course makes discussion difficult. I think there is a resentment about his lost previous life.

He's a really good man, and I love him very much. I'm so sad at the thought that he'll be like this forever.

Good for you for seeing his good points.

I have a really crap OH, does FA, for the last 5 years. I have been like a single parent all this time and in a few weeks, will officially BE one!

I have to growl at the resentment of his lost previous life.... I'll be willing to bet that YOUR life bears little resemblance to how it was before AND you have PND on top of it all...

Ok, getting angry is not helpful.

Thing is AGW, you DO have PND, and that does skew things in your head regardless of how 'good' or otherwise the baby is.

Main thing for you is to try and remain calm, keep perspective and try to identify when it's the depression thinking for you.

Once you can keep a coolish head, and let any feelings of panic just wash over you, they will pass.

I don't think your H will be like this forever. The fact that he is guilty and embarrassed rather than defensive and shouty speaks volumes. Eventually he will adjust to the new life he has. He has to basically. What IS he not able to do that he used to do btw? What you both need to understand is that life has changed for the both of you and you BOTH have to help each other as parents and also as individuals to have a full life outside of the family unit sometimes too. Tell him it's OK to feel frustrated, but that it isn't helpful to anyone long term and if you all pitch in with the DD, then you can do so with the other aspects of life too.

Is DD weaning yet? If you are not quite at that stage, this could explain night waking. Also if you ARE already weaning her, wind could play a part as her digestive system learns to deal with new foods.

I found NEVER to give DS banana past lunch as he would writhe in agony at night time.

Also of course you have teeth coming in all the time too... that can affect sleep naturally. I used Boots natural powders, dunno how they worked, but they did!

sorry to hear things are tough, that first baby really is a steep learning curve especially if you are a couple who loved their independence and free time, do you both have a period of time per week where you are free to go out for a bit, even if its playing a game of sport for hubby or a coffee round a friend's house for you or vice versa, doesn't have to be a long time maybe 2/3 hours a week, it also helps to take it in turns to have a Sunday morning lie in then at least once a fortnight you know you can lie in and rest, but there is no magic cure just keep plowing on and keep the line of communication open between you and hubby, our second child had colic and that was no picnic i can tell you, it took me 9 months to get out of my tracksuit bottoms, but it does get easier i promise.

DH was like that. On the odd occasion he would snarl that he "deserved" to go away for a weekend because he "never did any more". It took a while for the parental penny to drop.

I really do think this may be a transitional phase. You're both exhausted, and quite frankly your current lives are probably shit compared to your old ones. However much you love your baby (and in my case, at that point I didn't which made it all infinitely worse) you'd not be human if it wasn't a struggle to accept the deterioration in quality of life.

The thing to hang on to is it's temporary. They grow up extraordinarily fast and you can and probably will rediscover yourselves and the relationship once things come on to more of an even keel. We have - we're happier now than we were before. But more sleep, DH bonding with DS, me bonding with DS has helped there.

I do think you need to try to set out a day a week when someone babysits and you can just be together, if it's in any way at all possible. Even if you just get a takeaway and both sleep for a few hours without the baby waking you up. Time together when you can remember why you got together can really, really help.

This sounds like it goes a bit beyond normal man finding it difficult to adjust territory, actually. How many men would be happy to know that their traumatised and birth injured wife was pushing their baby around in a pram just to get away from his anger? Allgoingwrong, have you confronted him with the full reality of how he has made you feel?

If he can't get a grip on the expression of his anger towards a 6 month old baby then the prognosis is not good for fatherhood generally or for your relationship.

Totally agree with all resfreshingly sensible replies from posters (except Provincial) - this is a very common phase so don't feel too desperate. Many of my friends went through this (I did during my first pregnancy, not after - dp acting like a teenager) and were talking of splittign in first year. Parenthood takes a lot of adapting to and the acceptance comes in stages, it's fucking hard!!!

I have wanted children for as long as I can remember and love how they have changed my life positively, but I have really struggled with the impact it has had on me and my marriage over the years. I am embarrassed by how badly I have coped over the years and I see the impact this has had on my DW. I'm sure she's thought she'd be better of without me on many an occasion!

No matter what you and your husbands expectations were, its no surpirse that the reality is different. OP - I feel for you and your husband so much because I remember being exactly the same. Carry on loving him, be patient and tell him its nornal and you understand how hard he is finding it. Things will get better and one day you will both sit up and suddenly realise the crying isn't getting to you and you're actually enjoying yourselves! Might not be possible (especially after posting this thread) but see if you can get him to get onto MN. Its really helping me.

Agree hugely on the sleep point - I was/am completley different when I haven't had enough sleep. Difficult one to solve as it's the nature of the beast. My DW tunes in to this and gets me to do a little less at night when I'm really struggling.
Good luck :)

Not hijacking this thread, it's just sooo nice to see some really nice men on here!

Being a new parent is really, really hard. My DH has admitted he did find the crying hard to deal with - now that mine are 8 and 10 he finds the fighting hard to deal with, can't tune it out at all. Maybe some people are just wired that way.

On a different note, could your DD have silent reflux? if she specifically screams after feeds, that could be a factor - keeping her upright after a feed for 20 mins or so could make a difference, and there are medication she could take too. Try keeping her upright after a feed for a few days and see if it makes a difference, just an idea to try...

Yep, I was going to suggest if reflux might be behind your dd's crying/inability to settle. One of my twins had it, twas awful, but Gaviscon in her feeds worked wonders.

And going off on a slightly different tangent - is it possible that your DH is having difficulty dealing with the fact your birth was so awful? I've no experience of this but do know someone in a similar situation - her DH was almost traumatised by witnessing the really difficult birth his wife went through and he was angry and resentful for sometime afterwards and found dealing with the lo difficult(in fact i think he ended up having counselling.)

Otherwise, have you spelt it out to him how his behaviour is affecting you? His "right" to express his unhappiness just dumps more misery on your shoulders. As other posters have said, babies can be relentless, grinding, exhausting work but by pulling together and determining that you will get through it together, you can come out the other side a strong family unit. He needs to play his part in that.

Your husband doesn't have a "right" to express that he is unhappy when his wife may be suffering from PTSD and he has a small child that is unable to settle/sleep. If he must express himself at all, please direct him to someone who will tell him to stop being such a self-absorbed shit and start offering some support to you.

As everyone else has said, things will get better and you both have to hold onto that. At this stage, it really is one day at a time. Can you afford some help a few hours a week?

Hi everyone. Thanks for the support, it's really kind. I'm heartened by the fact that other people seem to have had similar experiences.

I haven't explicitly spelled it out how badly he made me feel in the first few weeks, we talked about it at the time and I don't want to rake over old stuff and make him feel worse. I don't think increasing his guilt is going to solve this. I should say of course he never asked or told me to take the baby out, I did it because it was the only way to stop her crying and I wanted to give him a break from it, and me a break from the grumpiness!

I know he doesn't understand why the crying really affects him, he's a very hands-on dad. Perhaps as you suggested pointy, he's just wired that way. You're right though, polly, it does make me feel worse.

Yes, she did have silent reflux, that's now under control. I think she's just a high needs baby who's finding her (very loud) voice.

I don't know how the birth affected him, there were problems for both me and the baby, I'll talk to him about that.

I'm feeling a bit better, thanks everyone.

I went through something similar with my first baby, she was very difficult and cried a lot, wouldn't nap (even at a few weeks old) and so on. She was on lots of medication for reflux but it didn't help much.

DH completely withdrew after she was born and mourned his social life. He was quite selfish at times, whereas I had to put my needs last all the time. I think he wasn't ready to be a dad and it was compounded by how difficult DD was. We were quite young when she was conceived and it wasn't planned.

It did get better though. DD got easier, the reflux started settling at 5 months and the crying got considerably better within the following few months. DH slowly got his head round it and is now a very involved, loving Dad. I think what helped us in the end was agreeing that it's a really hard experience and to get through it we would need to be completely open with each other about how we felt. We also made sure that he and I both got nights out and time off.

I did wish he had been the type of man to throw himself into fatherhood straight away, but the end result is the same, he's a good dad. We now have a 2 year old DS who was a much easier baby than DD!

Good luck OP, I really hope things start to improve soon.

All three of my children had reflux (one silent, two vomity) - the first few months are horrific. It does magically disappear at about 7-8 months though (or that was the turning point with mine) and you suddenly get your "real" baby rather than the crochety one that has been plagued by heartburn since birth. You will both notice a real difference - hang on in there.

I can't understand a grown man who thinks he has the 'right; to express his annoyance with a baby crying by being grumpy and moody towards you - so much so that you feel forced to take your child out of the house, third degree tear and all.

I don't think this is healthy or 'a normal phase'. It sounds awful for you.

I can't be the only one to think this, surely?

I think OP's DH needs to be more supportive and involved but I don't think it's unhealthy actually.

I certainly experienced us snapping at each other and feeling stressed and angry, even when we had worked through DH's initial period of being withdrawn. DD cried incessantly for hours on end and everything we tried to stop it failed, plus we were tired and adjusting to parenthood, we did take it out on each other at times. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the time we pulled together and took it in turns to comfort DD while the other one tried to get their blood pressure down in another room. But at other times we just shouted at each other.

My reading of the OP was that the OP's OH felt he had the right to express he wasn't happy i.e. that he shouldn't have to pretend to be cheerful when he wasn't. To an extent I agree if I'm not happy about something I don't expect to have to hide it from DW and I don't expect her to have to hide her feelings when she's unhappy...

I don't think it really matters whether its healthy or a normal phase as the vast majority of posters have agreed that its generally a short-lived phase.

That said its deeply unhelpful for one partner to be permanently in foul mood and making life miserable for everyone around them.

In this case the OP's OH has said he is guilty and embarrassed - which suggests to me he is trying to improve his behaviour. Given that and the inherent brevity of 'babyhood' I really don't think the OP should be too worried at this point.

6 months is not a short lived phase though is it? 6 months of putting your feelings before everyone else's is not a luxury many people get when there is a new baby in the house (unless you are the baby of course)

OP, don't sweep this under the carpet. It is encouraging that your DP feels guitly etc, but I have read/spoken to so many women who still feel a lot of resentment towards their partner over this many months and years on, and it is corrosive.

I had a traumatic first birth. As we were expecting DD2, DH did say it was so traumatic to him too that he actually was happy that I chose the ElCS.
May be your husband need some help to get over the birth too. It is usually more difficult for men to talk about it.
I agree with Niels you should worry too much. It is probably a short phase.
Also DH recently admitted he didn't like DD2 very much, but now that she is walking and showing a lot of character, he has actually bonded more to her. She is 11 months now and it has only been a few weeks. She really cute and funny and he can actually see it now.
Which was a surprise for me as he had a great bond with DD1 straight away.
Get yourselves treated, and try not to resent each other for the past few months and start by making small steps.
She is big enough to be left a couple of hours with a babysitter, why not have a coffee break together or a meal. (nothing too long to start with) ?