I wouldn't have had a baby with the man he's turned into

[AllGoingWrong]

Am really sad, the title says it all really. We have a 6 month old and OH is not coping at all.

The baby is very challenging, cries a lot, gets very frustrated, always been very alert etc. I'm finding it tough and it's often pretty thankless, but somehow manage to make the best of it and don't complain, although of course I've had the odd teary moment.

OH on the other hand, has become grumpy, bitter, short-tempered. He gets angry when the baby cries, and resents the fact that he can't do the things he used to.

He used to be so relaxed and jolly, we laughed every single day and had a great relationship. Now it's all gone, I'm now living with someone I would never have had a baby with, and I'm worried that the baby will pick up on the tension.

He says he can't pretend the crying doesn't annoy him, and that he has a right to express that he isn't happy. I know the baby is particularly difficult, but I think his expectations are too high, eg last night he got really annoyed because she wouldn't self settle immediately at bedtime and he had to go back up to her.

I can't go on like this, I'm looking forward to him going back to work. It's been like this from the start, I used to take the baby out in the pram whilst recovering from a third degree tear just so he wouldn't be in such a filthy mood.

I'm so sad, I waited a long time for this relationship, and was really happy. I'd never been bothered about having kids until I met him, and then changed my mind. I now feel I've ruined the best thing I had, and feel totally trapped. All I can see ahead of me is more of the same, or being a single mother.

Please make me feel better.

you shouldn't worry too much.

My OH was bloody crap to begin with. It was as if our DS was purely my responsibility. I was so very angry and disappointed, especially as he wanted a baby so badly. I resented the fact that I had to do everything (didn't help my PND one little bit). OH couldn't understand how my life had changed so much, and his hardly at all (I realise his had, but he didn't act that way).
DS got to about 8 months old when I had an almighty blow up with OH. I told him he needed to man up, help me and become a father. Despite being very defensive, he obviously listened (after period of sulking) as he has been fantastic since. He spends a lot of time with our now 14 month old. They have built up a gorgeous bond, it melts my heart.
We are finally getting our relationship back on track. My God having a baby is hard work, and I never expected it to be so hard on our relationship. Slowly but surely things do get better.

I've not been in this position but I saw my brother go through it with his first child, a boy (now a gorgeous 18 month old).

I was disappointed at his attitude and at his moping around, doing this all woe is me stuff. My SIL said that he was in shock for about the first 6 months and that they had a lot of rows in this time, when normally they don't row at all. She also told me that they wouldn't consider having another one until he started to do more with their child and around the house. He would say that it was her who wanted children and he seemed resentful at the loss of his former freedom.

I can happily report that my brother has got over this "woe is me" phase (which I considered a luxury, because, whilst he was doing all of this, someone had to look after their child). He is now a proud parent and the parental split is about 60% Mum:40 % Dad apparently and they are thinking about trying for their second very soon.

It changed as soon as my nephew became a bit more 'interactive'. Plus I think my brother saw how much the rest of his family adored my nephew (first grandchild) and this appealed to his ego, if that makes sense!

OP - I hope that your husband snaps out of it soon. I really did feel for my SIL during this time as she had to get on and cope whilst my brother was dealing with his feelings re: being a father (even though it was all planned). Hopefully he'll be the same as my brother and will participate a bit more when the baby is a bit older (if not sooner).

Also had a difficult baby (reflux) and 7 or 8 months was just the hardest time. You start to feel like things should be ok now, friends babies all look much easier etc. We argued/bickered a lot, mostly through sleep deprivation and reacting to crying in a mars/venus type of a way. My dd is 15 months now and just yesterday i was saying isnt it fab now shes become more predictable. She goes to bed at 7pm and sleeps until 8am. She doesnt cry at bedtime unless shes ill. All a lot more manageable. Give your dh and your baby some time...im sure things will improve massively in a few months time. Sorry youre going through it

Men have a hypothalamus too you know....that's why the crying affects him!!

If someone pulls a big, self-indulgent, months-long hissy fit at the time in your relationship when you most need to pull together, doesn't it kill the love and respect you had for them a little bit?

If I looked back on DD1's early days and remembered that I had felt alone and that DH had been taking some time for himself to "deal with" becoming a father while I actually dealt with becoming a mother, I would hate him for it every time I remembered.

Memories of us looking blankly at each other with no idea what to do next, of one terrible night when we both walked out if the bedroom together to try to get our heads together because the crying was driving us insane, of trying to figure out logistics so we stopped forgetting meals etc. are quite precious now.

I totally get being freaked out by parenthood. We both were. But leaving your supposed partner to deal with something you find terrifying all alone? Not so much.