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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex and being unreasonable

31 replies

IAmReallyFabNow · 01/01/2011 16:08

DH and I currently have differing sex drives. He hasn't changed in the years we have been together but I have. I feel rejected, he feels I am being unreasonable. Was a big problem a few years ago when I had attention of an ex who I still really fancy though nothing happened. I wanted to use the thrill with my husband but we soon went back to once a week or so. I feel fed up that he doesn't want it more (feel rejected and not attractive) he feels miffed as it is quality over quantity for him. He would always be happy to play with me but sometimes I want him, not just an orgasm and I feel Blush for wanting loads of sex.

OP posts:
lazarusinNazareth · 01/01/2011 16:30

No, you're not in the wrong. Neither of you can help your sex drives but there does need to be a middle ground. Communication is the way forward but that is easier said than done I know. You were right not to get involved with your ex IMO. Sorry I can't be more help but I know how you feel...

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 01/01/2011 16:31

Sorry you know how I feel Sad.

I am also really glad I didn't get involved with him as I do love my DH and wouldn't want to separate.

Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
daddoinghisbest · 01/01/2011 16:42

No you're not in the wrong, but then it's not a question of being right or wrong really is it? You sound like you just have a perfectly healthy desire for fulfillinf sex within your relationship. As you say though, you have different sex drives. If DH has always been the same, then I doubt you'll change him. His lower sex drive doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't still fancy you, but I can understand that you feel rejected. Maybe he feels over pressured to 'perform' and it's making him even less keen? Is your relationship ok in all other aspects? If not, is the sex being used as a 'power' thing? It sounds like a compromise is needed, and that will only come about through honest discussion with no blame involved. It may be though, that you'll end up supplementing the odd quality session with DH with some quality DIY!

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 01/01/2011 16:52

Our relationship is fantastic and he has never let me down. We are still completely in love with each other. It is the only problem and tbh if the ex hadn't been around I probably wouldn't have felt so annoyed with dh. I felt annoyed that dh didn't want me when someone else did. I would never be unfaithful though. I know I am being unreasonable though as dh has never minded on the odd occasion I have said no.

OP posts:
Consuela39 · 01/01/2011 19:14

Do you think he might still be bothered by your feelings for your ex?

If I knew my partner really fancied someone else it would probably put me off having sex with them a bit...like I was just the fallback, iyswim.

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 01/01/2011 20:08

He has always known I had this ex and that we still like each other (we have no contact now) but DH and I have been together for 15 years and he knows I would never leave him.

After posting this DH and I have had a good chat so I feel more hopeful now that things will be okay.

OP posts:
Julraj · 02/01/2011 14:40

I always read these posts and it reminds me how silly women are.

If their partner doesn't want as much sex as they do then it's the partner's fault for not making them feel 'wanted' or attractive enough. But then if the partner's sex drive is too high then they're on here complaining about it, dreaming up strange reasons why their partners are sexaholics.

Men can never win.

Consuela39 · 02/01/2011 15:38

What a completely bizarre post.

Is the depth of your reasoning really that women are silly and always blame men for stuff?

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 02/01/2011 15:54

Julraj I can assure you I am not silly.Hmm. If I was I would have shagged my ex, would't I?

OP posts:
JaneS · 02/01/2011 16:36

julraj, isn't it exactly the same the other way around? I bet there are men out there who're having exactly the same conversation as we're having here, and same-sex couples too. It's nothing to do with 'poor men', as you seem to think.

fab, if you find the perfect solution, pass it my way will you? In the same boat here. Sad

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 02/01/2011 17:04

LRD - DH and I have talked and I feel more hopeful.

OP posts:
JaneS · 02/01/2011 18:08

Oops, sorry, I only just saw this (I'm so slow!).

I'm so glad to know you're feeling better. I ought to talk to my DH ... whew, that will be an interesting conversation. Hmm

daddoinghisbest · 02/01/2011 23:16

Fab, well done for getting the communication going. I hope that you (and LRD) aren't put off by the bizarre post earlier. By talking it through your relationships can be better than ever!

Julraj · 02/01/2011 23:48

Ok then if you want me to be helpful blunt instead of just blunt then...

He probably doesn't want to sleep with you as often as you're offering it either because (shock horror) he doesn't find you attractive at that moment in time or because he doesn't find it fulfilling.

Next time you're about to have sex make sure your hair's in pig tails and give him an epic blowjob towards the end or maybe offer a bit of anal sex.

He'll be scratching at your heels the following night.

singingcat · 02/01/2011 23:53

Ooh there's lush

finallywearenoone · 03/01/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Consuela39 · 03/01/2011 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Julraj · 03/01/2011 10:06

I'm saddened but not surprised your responses are abusive.

However, if you can reignite his interest in bed with my suggestion and maybe fake a few orgasms to really make him feel confident too then it will do ten times more for your sex life than a 'heart to heart' or 'pillow chat' ever will.

Something women need to realise is that when you start the dreaded pillow talk at 11.30 the guy's not listening, he's just waiting for it to be over so he can go to sleep. Don't believe me? Who falls asleep first after the chat? See.

With men, actions always speak louder than 'yes','yes','that's how I feel too','ill try harder' etc sleepy, let me go to sleep pillow talk.

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/01/2011 11:03

Julraj: while there is a little bit of merit at the core of your suggestion (if you are the higher libido partner it's worth asking your partner what they would like and need to make them feel more enthusiastic about sex, whether that's for you to contribute more domestic work or try out a particular act or fantasy) how is faking orgasm and engaging in sex acts she doesn't actually like make the OP feel better about the sex she does have?
And coules who need to have a proper discussion about any sexual problems are always advised not to do it while in bed as one will probably be sleepy and the other would prefer to stop talking about sex and start doing it.

Original poster
IAmReallyFabNow · 03/01/2011 11:13

Don't worry, I am not taking any notice of Julraj. I know what the issue is and DH and I have never had any problems talking while in bed. Much better than in the lounge when the kids are about.

OP posts:
Consuela39 · 03/01/2011 11:28

LOL at my totally innocuous post being deleted due to not-calling-people-a-troll policy, while the one directly below it remains...

fine by me Grin

loopylou6 · 03/01/2011 12:36

Julraj urgh you sound a proper pervert. Hair in pigtails? you like that do you? (shudder)

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/01/2011 12:42

Julraj, might I suggest a trip over to the Feminism topic on here? I think you would go down (which is something you're clearly confident with) a storm...

Consuela39 · 03/01/2011 13:24

Aw shucks, the really rude one has gone.

I rather liked it. It really summed him up.

Julraj · 03/01/2011 13:51

You're all such ignorant people. Guess ill one day be reading your 'DH has been having an affair!' threads.