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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner threatened me with violence

39 replies

SoHereItIs · 31/12/2010 14:47

Partner and I have been together for just under three years and have been living together for the past year and a bit. He's shown signs of jealousy in that time soon after we moved in together like checking my phone, phoning my work to make sure I'm working late when I say I am and questioning me and accusing me of lying. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was going out with a few collegues for NYE and he made it obvious straight away that he wasn't happy about it and tried putting me off, lied saying he'd arranged something else, played the guilt trip saying I was leaving him alone on NYE etc. I told him I was still going and if he'd planned something he should have told me. Anyway he didn't mention it for a while but last night he brought it up again and seemed to be under the impression that I would have changed my mind. I said I was still going and he became really aggressive, started shouting in my face, pushed me, swore at me. I told him I was still going and that he was being ridiculous and he pushed me by my throat against the wall and said if I went out he'd "knock fuck out of me". He said he was warning me and not to push him. We have not spoken since. I have two options.
Do I go anyway?
Not go but make arrangements to get him out of my house asap?

Either way its over now, not that he's aware of that yet but I am not putting up with that. I just don't know what to do about tonight. I really want to go, its been planned ages but I don't think its sensible to deliberately rile him. what would you do?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 14:49

of course you should go.

but not before packing his bags and changing the locks

ModreB · 31/12/2010 14:50

Ring the police and have him removed. Then ring Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247. Then change the locks and get this bully out of your life for good.

Milngavie · 31/12/2010 14:51

Go and make sure to get rid of him!

Sorry, I know that's not very constructive but you need rid of him and fast!

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 31/12/2010 14:51

Do you own/rent the place together?

I would not be happy staying there one minute longer as he might be violent towards you later, neither would I go out and leave my stuff in the house.

Do you have an army of friends who will come round and move your valuables out (or you? or him)?

ModreB · 31/12/2010 14:51

Then go out and have a good time with your mates.

ChippingIn · 31/12/2010 14:53

You should have called the police there and then!

You say it's your house - so why not call a locksmith - get the locks changed & call the local police - press charges.

Why did you make plans to go out on NYE without him?

HMTheQueen · 31/12/2010 14:53

Yes - what Laurie said... move now, and then go out!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/12/2010 14:54

Go. Make arrangements to stay elsewhere tonight. And come back tomorrow with a friend or two as back up while he packs his bags. Assuming the house is yours, that is.
What other solution do you think is possible? This man is dangerous and by changing your behaviour so as not to 'deliberately rile him' you are playing right into his hands.
Seriously, get out and get out fast is the only course of action possible.
Good luck.

SoHereItIs · 31/12/2010 14:54

It's my house, he moved in with me. I don't think its realistic to get him out today, especially not enough time to get him out AND still go for a night out as if nothing had happened but I don't want to go out and leave him with all my stuff because he'll wreck it all. I'm not bothered about the material stuff, I can replace ipods etc but the photos etc, I darnt risk it and thats without the risk of coming home to a drunk 6ft bloke who has probably been winding himself up all night waiting for me to get home. I'm so angry with it all because he KNOWS I can't go now. And it pains me to think he's got me on this one but it will certainly be the last time.

OP posts:
SoHereItIs · 31/12/2010 14:54

It's my house, he moved in with me. I don't think its realistic to get him out today, especially not enough time to get him out AND still go for a night out as if nothing had happened but I don't want to go out and leave him with all my stuff because he'll wreck it all. I'm not bothered about the material stuff, I can replace ipods etc but the photos etc, I darnt risk it and thats without the risk of coming home to a drunk 6ft bloke who has probably been winding himself up all night waiting for me to get home. I'm so angry with it all because he KNOWS I can't go now. And it pains me to think he's got me on this one but it will certainly be the last time.

OP posts:
westlake · 31/12/2010 14:57

I wouldn't go out tonight if I was honest because he will more than likely find you and cause a scene, plus you will just be worrying about it all night and the last thing you need is a confrontation with him after you've had a few once you get back home.

Your priority is getting him out of your house/life.
Secure anything valuable at a mates house and GET HIM OUT!!

So sorry this is how you ill be starting the new year :-(

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/12/2010 14:58

By not going out you are sending him the message that you are prepared to modify your behaviour to comply with his expectations because you are frightened of the consequences. Is that really what you want?
Can't you get some friends to come round and give you moral support while you deal with him? Putting it off is not going to make it any easier, I promise you. And you are putting yourself in danger while you wait.

westlake · 31/12/2010 14:59

Don't go elsewhere, get someone to stay with you and just kick him out, get the police involved! If you don't do it today you will have problem getting the police out tonight - it's too busy.....

atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 15:07

I wouldn't want him in the house any longer. If he'd threatened me like that, I'd report it to the police and I'd ask them to come round for half an hour whilst he packed his things.

Having said that, I'm interested in why you planned to go out on NYE without him. Most partners would be upset (NOT VIOLENT) at this. There's another thread where women are shouting at another woman's partner who is going out with his friends.

ilythia · 31/12/2010 15:07

change the locks, now,a nd get the police round to remove him for threatening you with violence. If it is your house he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Forget him ruining your night out, he has no right to be in your house another 5 minutes irrelevant of it being new year, christmas or just any odl day.

Do you have any brothers/hefty mates/friends DH's who can come round and be there when you tell him and to 'help' him pack if you don't want to call the police?

emmyloulou · 31/12/2010 15:08

Errr call the police, get him removed and get a lock smith in now even an emergency one through your home ins, say you lost your keys or something.......

By not going out, he has won. By staying in watching him get pissed you are putting yourself at risk as someone said get in now before the police can't answer as lots of pissed people up and down the land will be smashing each others faces in........

Ephiny · 31/12/2010 15:09

Agree your priority needs to be your safety, that's more important than any of your stuff, or your night out. I wouldn't spend even a moment alone with him after what he's done. If you need to stay elsewhere tonight then do so, but as soon as you can get him out of there and get the locks changed. And don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens or hurts you again.

Have you told anyone in real life what happened? Sounds like you could do with some support, this is a scary situation to deal with on your own :(

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 31/12/2010 15:13

Hang on, just cos you can't go out doesn't mean you should stay there one minute longer!

Please have a read of the domestic violence cycle - because he has 'won' today he will be all over you like a rash for the next couple of days (or he will kill you in your sleep tonight if you don't play ball and 'forgive' him).

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

You really, really do.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 31/12/2010 15:14

or you call the police and get him removed. get an emergency locksmith or have a few friends round tonight so you are 'safe'.

You need to be safe.

atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 15:14

Laurie, it's her house! She doesn't have to leave at all!

emmyloulou · 31/12/2010 15:17

South are you still there? Is he in the house still? If so please call the police my love, the guy is dangerous. Staying in watching him get pissed is not the answer to "appease" him, neither is leaving your whole house alone to this violent man.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 31/12/2010 15:18

I meant she has to not be with him this evening or she may be at risk - not that she has to move out.

Tortington · 31/12/2010 15:18

you shouldnt go out tonight

becuase you hve to concentrate on having this man removed immediately. getting the locks changed, reporting this to the police.

start the year anew.

atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 15:21

Oh ok, yes I absolutely agree with that, Laurie.

nogreatexpectations · 31/12/2010 15:27

If you have friends that you would prefer to spend NYE with rather than your partner, I'm asuming these are good friends??

So can you get them to come round and pick you up? Otherwise how the hell are you going to get ready and even get out of the house without him threatening you.

Will your friends put you up for the night and come back with you in the morning when all of you can help him pack his bags and have ready a new lock fot the door, although a locksmith on new years day will cost a small fortune!

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