Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about DH being mean?

30 replies

SharonGless · 30/12/2010 22:48

This is my first post in relationships so please be gentle with me but tell me if you think I am a twat.

DH bought me a second hand Ipod nano for Xmas. This is after buying me a second hand Nintendo DS last Xmas (that he plays on more than me.)
It may sound trivial but he is so tight with money it is really winding me up. He won't go to certain pubs with his friends as they cost too much per pint -even if all his friends are going he would rather not bother.His sister is really pissed off with him about his meanness after we went out for a family meal with 15 people and he wanted to calculate exactly how much everyone owed individually.

We are not rolling in money but we are certainly comfortable. We put a limit on £100 each this year which was fine by me. I did buy new items for him and would never dream of buying him second hand things as a gift. Is this me being unreasonable?

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg if I am honest but I need to deal with one issue at a time.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 30/12/2010 22:52

it wouldn't bother me, it's the thought that counts after all

you're probably "comfortable" in regards to money BECAUSE he is like this. Most well-off people I know are very careful with their money

However, if it really upsets you then ask him not to do it. say you would rather have a lesser present, but new.

HappyHECmanay · 30/12/2010 22:54

I don't think there is anything wrong with buying second hand gifts. Many of my children's gifts have been second hand.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to save money.

the restaurant thing was mean and embarrassing!

IF he is happy to buy second hand gifts for you, then buy second hand gifts for him and save some money.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that there are times when it's ok and times when it's not.

It's particularly not if he's happy to take but not to give, but you've not said that's the case.

But like you say, there's more to it, so it's hard to commit one way or the other when it's clear this isn't the whole picture.

Original poster
SharonGless · 30/12/2010 22:57

I sort out all the bills and household finances so am thrifty with these sorts of things. I am so not arsed about material goods which he knows - rarely buy myself new clothes and when I do I don't buy designer stuff.

I love to treat other people and would gladly spend my last penny on someone else but finding something they really want.
Probably just different folks and all that

OP posts:
Original poster
SharonGless · 30/12/2010 23:00

Plus the thing about the ipod is that I have one that he bought me about 7 years ago which the battery is a bit knackered on but good enough for what I use it for - running and the gym.

I feel like I want to say something about it as it has really peed me off but maybe just blowing it out of proportion on top of everything else

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 30/12/2010 23:25

Yes, in the context that you describe, this would bother me. There is nothing wrong with giving/ receiving second-hand gifts, but it sounds like in your family it is unnecessary to save money in this way, and it's not a mutual thing. It's also representative of how he lives every other aspect of his life, like his first priority is always saving money.

Have you asked him how his philosophy about money and spending has developed? It would be interesting to ask him, if he's able to talk about these kinds of things - something like, "I've noticed that it's really important to you to save money, why is that? Where/ how did you learn that?"

I would then also say that everyone has to negotiate that trade-off between wanting to save money for themselves, and behaving in a socially appropriate/ likeable way. That stinginess is a "fatal flaw" for most people and usually it's more worth it to appear generous and relaxed about money in social settings (if you can afford to do that) than it is to save a few pounds. You could tell him that stinginess is obvious and for many people, a top hated trait - he may not even realise this. You could ask him why, for instance, it was so important for him to make sure he contributed EXACTLY the right amount at the family dinner, and didn't overpay. Why are the few pounds/ pence so important that he's willing to disrupt the situation and create damage to his relationships? What is so awful about being more relaxed about the amount everyone owes?

I would tell him that it hurts you to receive presents that seem more like another exercise in saving money... that it's like his "stinginess"/ thriftiness extends even to how he behaves in your relationship. Maybe you could say that even though it may sound silly, because he can afford new things it would mean more to you to receive a smaller new gift than a bigger second-hand one, because you don't like to feel like his preoccupation with saving money "comes first". You could say that to you, something being new is special in itself, and you would like to see him acknowledge that when he buys you gifts in the future.

It's difficult to articulate but I can see why this bothers you!

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 30/12/2010 23:32

I feel like I want to say something about it as it has really peed me off but maybe just blowing it out of proportion on top of everything else

what is the everything else?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2010 23:38

Have you told your hubby how you feel about second-hand things? If not, tell him. He probably thought it was a bargain but if you get no pleasure from the gift then it really wasn't.

If he's the one playing on it, make sure that his next gift from you is one that YOU really want.

MistyMooBags · 31/12/2010 08:30

It would piss me off as well. Off on a tangent, my wealthy, retired Aunt is always crying poverty and sends those (unsolicited) 'foot and mouth' artists Christmas cards that you receive as samples in the post - she never pays for them, though... If she goes out with my Mum to town, she'll sit in a coffee shop with a stoney look on her face because she's not prepared to pay for an "extortionate" cup of tea or coffee and my Mum (who isn't well off) is fed up with paying for her, or going without a coffee, which she sees as a treat!

Some people are just very tight careful with their money and I don't think they'll ever change...

Original poster
SharonGless · 31/12/2010 08:43

Pigglesworth = yes thats exactly how I feel. Very difficult to articulate but it does bother me. It isn't the second hand gift per se but his attitude to money and what is appropriate. It is a very difficult subject to discuss.I haven't a problem with second hand gifts and have bought the children tons of stuff from car boots/ebay.

I really need to sort this out as I know that it annoys other people about him ie family and he is a standing joke with his friends about his stinginess.

Where do I start about everything else? I may need to namechange for it as I quite like this name.

Thanks for the thoughts

OP posts:
RealName · 31/12/2010 23:48

Fab post Pigglesworth!

Original poster
SharonGless · 01/01/2011 01:34

ok it gets worse -am typing pissed so forgive me. Just been to SIL on my own as DH ill in bed with high temp. He had rung her to ask if she had any spare ipod nanos so he could buy one off her. Her kids are spoilt rotten and have loads but that pisses me off more that he would be happy for me to have his family cast offs.
Ignore me but have nowhere else to vent. I dont want to tell my family as they would thinnk badly of him(again)

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/01/2011 01:43

Ugh, my total hatred is mean people. Mean with money, mean with their soul, trust me.

Original poster
SharonGless · 01/01/2011 01:53

I know and I feel exactly the same. Its indicative of our whole relationship...wtf do you do to change someones meanness

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 01/01/2011 01:53

I feel your pain - it's not about the money, it's that he's not putting thought or effort into your gifts.... they're not coming from his heart. It's a horrible situation to be in and you need to talk to him about why exactly his gifts have hurt you. You'll need to explain it gently and very clearly to make sure he really understands that it's his love and respect you want, gifts that show how much you're worth to him in time and effort, not in cold hard cash.

Original poster
SharonGless · 01/01/2011 01:56

But Annie it appears that is how he measures things. I would rather he spent any spare money he had on an afternoon taking the children and I out for a treat somewhere. That would never enter his head. I take the children to lots of places but usually they cost little.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 01/01/2011 02:08

Well, as theraputic as ranting on here can be, the stark reality is that he is unlikely to change unless he is made aware of how his attitude is upsetting you.

As I see it (and please keep in mind it's very late at night and I've had bubbly), you can

a) accept him the way he is and either keep being upset or find a way to deal with it

b) talk to him and try to make him see your POV (it may take several talking sessions and some regression on his part)

c) remove yourself from the source of the upset.

FWIW, as lovely as my DH is, he always left taking the DDs out to me, under the mistaken belief that I actually enjoyed spending my day either bored stiff by inane kids activities or stressed out beyond belief that they'd get lost/injured on more exotic outings like Legoland. I had to sit him down and explain how these days out held little fun for me, and that they were really about the DDs. He was stunned! Poor bloke really thought I loved it!

Original poster
SharonGless · 01/01/2011 02:18

Yes but yours is about a different experience with the children. DH is useless with the DC and I work every other weekend now so he has to deal with them. As a feminist I find it insulting when his mother and sisters tell me how good he is to look after his children whilst I work Hmm

I realise that the solution is the same. I either put up or shut up.
To be honest the way I feel now I just want out

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 01/01/2011 14:32

Sharon, sweetie, no use arguing with me, is it? If you don't think I've got anything useful to contribute and you know all the answers, then why are you asking for help.

My opinion in a nutshell, he's being a twat and you're right not to be happy about it. What you decide to do is up to you.

Good luck.

Curiousnamechange · 01/01/2011 14:55

This is all a bit dramatic IMO. Unless there is something more to this, contemplating leaving your husband because he doesn't put enough thought into your gifts is insane! How do you know he likes the gifts you get him and how is he meant to know you don't like something he does unless you tell him? If you think he needs to put more effort into one aspect of your marriage tell him and give him an opportunity to change it. He hasn't done anything unreasonable at all, just things you don't like - talk to him.

I really hate when people try to split the bill equally in a restaurant. I don't want someone who hasn't drunk or eaten to excess, as I do in restaurants, to have to pay more than their fair share because of me. It can be really difficult to split the bill but much fairer, especially when people are on a tight budget.

Original poster
SharonGless · 01/01/2011 15:17

Annie apologies was typing whilst pissed in the early hours! Wasn't trying to argue with you at all just put it badly. I just meant that your DH is obviously very good looking ater his children whereas mine isn't. You have discussed your issues and hopefully sorted them out.

Curious - am not sure I want to reveal more but have already stated there are a lot more issues than a gift. His attitude to money is one issue which is not an endearing trait. I am fully aware of my faults of which I have many! Don't worry I am not about to leave him due to a second hand ipod

OP posts:
Curiousnamechange · 01/01/2011 15:41

Sharon - your faults are immaterial really, and we all have them, if something is wrong then it needs sorting out. Can you not talk about the real issue? No-one can really offer support otherwise and I'm sure people would like to help.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/01/2011 16:01

I think the tightness is a real issue, a massive one actually. A friend of mine lives with the tightest man on the planet, he is equally tight with his affection, love and time. They often go hand in hand.

That's not the same as cautious with money by the way, which I respect.

It just is the last way you want to be when you love someone. Has he not watched Scrooged over Christmas?

Seriously Sharongless I think it is a problem. I don't blame you for feeling angry.

Curiousnamechange · 01/01/2011 16:35

But perfumed she has only spoken about meanness with money and being rubbish with the DC (without qualifying this last one) and my response was a response about someone being mean with money. Surely if the problem is actually that he is thoughtless, unaffectionate and cold that would have featured in the post? Also the fact that he noticed the original iPod was broken and got a replacement shows some thought even if it wasnt what she wanted/was secondhand. I'm not doubting there may be more to it but on the basis of the actual problem she mentions I don't think he is thoughtless tbh. Just that there is some misunderstanding about what she likes/wants from him.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/01/2011 16:46

I completely agree with your post Curiousnamechange, I do Smile

Was just fast forwarding I suppose, as in, the tightness, in my experiencem, usually goes hand in hand with several other horrible character traits.

I agree, we need to know more about the relationship issues.

Curiousnamechange · 01/01/2011 17:23

Yes, and I with you! It can be the tip of the iceberg. In fact the OP has said it is but without more info it is hard to advise. He could be a great many things and that may well be precisely why the OP isn't really ready to talk about it.

If I had to speculate I would say this particular issue is perhaps that the op has friends and family who like to display their wealth and she finds it deeply embarrassing that her DH publicly displays that he is tight with money in front of them and they all comment on it. Also that maybe this present is a symbol of all that embarrassment she feels. Advice would still be the same though that communication in a marriage is very important but also perhaps not to worry about silly competitive friends although this is easier said than done... It wouldn't all be DH's fault though in that case...

That is purely speculation though, I may be wide of the mark! Read my first post and it was hostile and provocative - sorry!

Swipe left for the next trending thread