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Original poster

Advice on sil's "shyness" ?

33 replies

Moulesfrites · 30/12/2010 18:41

My sil is in her early 20s and married dh's db this year She graduated a couple of years ago but neither her or bil yet have a job and their lifestyles are funded entirely by pils. Pil's seem to justify or make excuses for her failure to look for a job as she is painfully shy. I am doubtful about whether this is reasonable or not - to me shyness is something that awkward teenagers suffer from not grown women, and her behavior is often perceived by me and others as rude. For example yesterday she was at a party with myself and mil, and clung to mil like a limpet all afternoon. She did not engage in conversations and when people spoke to her she gave monosyllabic responses. When I though about it I realized this would have been the first time in ages that she would have spent time in the company of others without bil, and I am not sure that she will ever be able to secure employment - can this type of behavior be justified as"shyness" or is it something beyond that?

OP posts:

quiddity · 30/12/2010 18:48

Please give her the benefit of the doubt. It sounds much worse than ordinary shyness, it sounds like acute social phobia. Is she getting any professional help for it?

HappyHECmanay · 30/12/2010 18:52

it's not shyness, is it. It sounds like a severe phobia or other mental health issue to me.

Sounds awful for them all.

What can you do? Well, slowly try to get to know her? In non pushy way? maybe she'd like a friend.

Metherbumfit · 30/12/2010 18:52

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Metherbumfit · 30/12/2010 18:53

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Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 19:02

Agree sounds like social anxiety disorder/ social phobia. I seriously doubt she means to be rude. Many cases respond to CBT. She can get a referral via her G.P. Not sure how you can get this information to her without making her feel worse (her worst fear is probably that people have noticed she is anxious).Please give her a break, though. She's probably very nice underneath it all.

atswimtwolengths · 30/12/2010 19:06

Why are they both financially dependent, though? Can't your BIL work?

She does sound as though she has a social phobia - she sounds as though she feels dreadful in crowds. Have you ever spoken to her one-to-one? Have you ever phoned her? How does your BIL treat her?

HelenaRose · 30/12/2010 19:11

Depression and/or social anxiety can make people appear to be rude or 'off'. I think her parents are kind to say she's shy rather than to discuss details of her medical history with others.

WherecanIhide · 30/12/2010 19:12

I used to be a bit like that. I look back and think I must have come across as really rude but didn't mean to be.

Early 20s is still quite young and it may take years for her to find her confidence. A part time job may actually help her (if she could find herself one).

jollyoldstnickschick · 30/12/2010 19:16

I think social situations are far harder than academic learning ....at uni she would be free to sit and listen to lectures etc discuss her work on a 1-1 basis with her tutor and generally just 'survive' social situations can be a nightmare for lots of people-I am a very confident person im able to get most people engaged in conversation but I suffer badly with a nerve rash so much so that H thought i had a port wine birthmark down my face and chest when we first met.

Metherbumfit · 30/12/2010 19:17

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Original poster

Moulesfrites · 30/12/2010 20:11

She is not receiving treatment as far as I know. I have always tried to be friendly but have become frustrated when it has not bent reciprocated! The four of us, (me, dh, sil and bil) get on and socialize together but she is always with bil so there are not mant opps to do something just the two of us, and she never seems very receptive o the idea when I have suggested it. Bil graduated at the same time as her bu blames the recession for the fact that he has not got a job, but tbh I don't think either of them have looked very hard as they have no real incentive to work - pil provide them with all they could ever need. I think they are enabling them in the same way that they are enabling sil as meter suggests as they make excuses for her.

Another poss issue is the fact that she suffered from a skin condition which knocked her confidence, but she had treatment for it before her wedding and got it sorted out.

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 20:32

Why is any of this an issue for you, though?

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 30/12/2010 20:36

Well I am concerned for her and think she might need help. I suppose I also feel a little resentful that she seems happy to be financially dependent on pil and that she is taking advantage of their generosity. But as you say am not sure how I could ever raise the possibility of if being a social phobia or anxiety disorder without making her feel worse

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/12/2010 20:45

I don't think this is your business unless she asks for your help. I'd hate it if I married into a family and one of my husband's siblings wives decided I had a psychiatric illness and needed her "help".
Just be nice to the woman and let her be unless your help is asked for.

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 20:52

Agree with 2rebecca.

HansieMom · 30/12/2010 22:57

BIL is taking advantage of their generosity too. Maybe concentrate on him for awhile?

malinkey · 31/12/2010 09:25

I think you sound quite judgemental about her really.

If you have never suffered from any kind of social anxiety it's easy for you to say that she should have grown out of it or shouldn't be like that at her age. But you aren't her and have no idea how she feels or how much she might be struggling to try and overcome this.

If it comes across to her that you are judging her she might well be less inclined to spend time on her own with you!

quiddity · 31/12/2010 15:52

There are a couple of problems with the "don't offer her help unless she asks" approach, however well it's meant.

One is that she may not even be aware that there is such as thing as social phobia and that help is available.
Two, because she has social phobia she'd be too terrified ever to ask.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/12/2010 15:54

Why doesn't your BIL have a job?

Isetan · 31/12/2010 17:21

It sounds like she has a form of social anxiety. However, you sound horrendous, I don't know how well you conceal your bitterness, resentment and downright sanctimony but I wouldn't confide you, phobia or no phobia. If you are genuinely concerned about her well-being then for starters dial back on the sanctimony.

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 01/01/2011 18:31

isetan what in particular makes me sound horrendous? I don't mean to sound judgmental, I have known her for around 5 years and it is only recently that I have realized the extent to which her shyness is stopping her from having a normal life. I have always been friendly towards her - I am "genuinely concerned" but this to you appears as sanctimonious? The perceived bitterness I suppose arises from the job situation - I do find the fact that they are happy to be financially dependent on pil very odd. The consensus seems to be that this is none of my business and I should continue to be friendly but not sanctimonious, which I will obviously take on board! Oddly enough, she text me the other day to say how much she had enjoyed the party - this seemed odd as she had seemed so incredibly uncomfortable that at first I thought the text was sarcastic, but dh seems to think this is 'just the way she is'

OP posts:

bullet234 · 01/01/2011 18:39

I can be interpreted by people who don't know me as being shy and have significant social difficulties at the age of 35. Place me on a one to one situation, with someone I know well and I don't do too badly, in terms of being able to talk to them. However, place me in a group, even an extended family group and I can't interact. I shut off, withdraw into myself, am apart from much of the socialising that's going on. I can't join in a conversation with my sister and cousins. Can't start up a conversation with my aunt. Can reply to questions, but not expand on them or ask questions in return of my BIL.
There's no anxiety, I honestly don't fret or worry about it, but my aspergers means that social interaction problems means that unless someone initiates for me, or unless I build up in my head what I'm going to say to start with, I can't do it without a great deal of effort.
But to be brutally honest I couldn't care at all if people presume me to be rude because I'm not talking to them.
As for sticking with just one poerson - done that and do that.
As for talking to someone through the person I'm sticking with, yes, done that and do that.
And as for replying in monosyllables, sometimes yes and sometimes, if I'm relaxed and trust the person, you can't shut me up.

bullet234 · 01/01/2011 18:39

person

ISNT · 01/01/2011 18:45

I know a couple of people who are extremely shy and it can come across as rudeness. Some people are just like that. For some it may be a phobia but TBH it takes all sorts and just because the norm is to behave one way doesn't mean that people who behave another way must have psychological problems IYSWIM. Some people are just different.

Is she happy? If she is happy with how she is then I don't see how approaching her about treatments is appropriate TBH.

I really think that if it is for anyone to say anything, it's for her family, her husband, at the outside maybe for your DH to ask his brother if she is OK. Maybe. Nothing to do with you TBH.

ISNT · 01/01/2011 18:47

It's the money you're upset about really, isn't it.

In which case you need to talk to your DH, your DH can talk to his parents if he agrees with you that's it's not fair or whatever.

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