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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm going to have to leave dh

88 replies

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 16:36

He has a problem with porn addiction, has done for years. We've done the councilling, together and apart, 2 years worth in total. He has lied and lied and tbh it's the lying that upsets me more than anything. I borrowed his phone just now to come online and he starts looking nervous, I ask him is there anything he needs to tell me and he promises there isn't. Then I see he has been googling porn. My marriage is dead isn't it?

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 30/12/2010 20:46

OMG I cannot believe some of the posts on this thread!!!
Its is so clearly an issue about addiction, leading to job loss and uncontrollable behaviour. If this was alcohol he couldn't stop drinking, I bet the same posters would be on your case to leave him!!!
This is not a personal freedom issue, its addiction!!
Sounds like you have tried so much already and I agree with the poster who pointed out that staying would be accepting it...and risk leading to the 12 hour viewing sessions again.

keep strong and I feel for your emptiness

Lydwatt · 30/12/2010 20:48

good post Mishelltoe...crossed mine. TYou say it better!

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 20:49

He lost his job for downloading porn. Substitute in: lost job for being drunk, on drugs on the job, gambling on the job.

Still sound fine?

Give me a break.

MissHellToe · 30/12/2010 20:50

Do you have DCs together Tatty?

2rebecca · 30/12/2010 20:52

Porn is an obsession not an addiction. This marriage sounds over though. Adults need to take responsibility for their actions. Why would any woman choose to be with a bloke who wouldn't stop looking at porn?
Not sure why tattyanna didn't just chuck out the computer.
You need to be able to respect the person you spend your life with. Seeing them as a sex pervert with no willpower isn't part of this. If you wouldn't choose to marry a bloke who spends all day looking at porn then I see no reason to marry a bloke who allows himself to turn into this sort of person.

2rebecca · 30/12/2010 20:53

Should have said "to remain married to a bloke who...."
I don't subscribe to a marriage being a prison sentence for life philosophy.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 20:55

'Not sure why tattyanna didn't just chuck out the computer.'

So she should live without what's rapidly becoming an essential piece of kit because he's unwilling to get a grip on his addiction after it cost him his job?

What was he living on after he got sacked, Tatty? Your earnings?

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 20:57

I don't get how his adddiction is in any way her fault. Would you tell a person married to an alcoholic or drug user that they do it because their spouse is being too restrictive?

FFS.

2rebecca · 30/12/2010 21:01

I didn't say his compulsion/habit was her fault, but if my bloke was spending 12 hours a day on the computer then either he would go or the computer would. I wouldn't let him have access to a computer alone in the house. In the same way I wouldn't let an alcoholic drink excessively in a house I lived in.

Original poster
TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 21:06

Why should I get rid of the pc? I use it lots and the dc need it for homework. We have 3 dc who all adore their dad. He is the perfect husband in every other way. Just to be clear he doesn't spend all that time looking at porn now, that's how he use to be a few years ago before we got help. I thought we had got passed it until I found the porn on his phone today. If he hadn't have lied to my face about it I could maybe understood a slip up and helped him work through it but after eveything we have been through he stood just feet away from me looked me in the eye and fucking lied to me again

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 30/12/2010 21:09

so, getting rid of the computer wouldn't have made a difference because he used his phone instead...seriously, that would not solve this issue.

ITS ADDICTION

Original poster
TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 21:09

Expat, we had some savings that we used as well as my small earnings from my part time job. Our savings were going to be for a deposit to buy our own house but they're all gone now

OP posts:
rhubarbpie · 30/12/2010 21:09

TattyAnna I know exactly how you feel.
I am going through the same thing right now with my DH.
The lies are the biggest problem, they are destroying our marriage. I love him so much but tbh I don't think I can see a way back for us.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 21:11

Just because you split doesn't mean it has to end in divorce.

But I'm just looking at it as an addiction on par with alcoholism or drug use or gambling and treating it the same way.

Lydwatt · 30/12/2010 21:13

I don't know enough about this but is there a counselling support service you could contact about addiction? I know AA support family and help them.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 21:16

The trouble with addiction, unlike other types of addiction, is that it's long term use must lead to changing attitudes in a real sex life.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 21:21

this addiction

AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 21:28

he's had his chances

addiction/obsession/illness/whatever the fuck it is

he is dragging you down

he has lost his means of earning a living and also your life savings that were a deposit on a house

there is no more discussion here

get rid of him...he is fucking useless to you, and you will be supporting him and his "needs" for ever more if you don't cut him free

no one man is worth this

and no, he isn;t a good father

if he had gambled/drunk/injected his life savings away he wouldn't be a good father

why let him off the hook with this...a liar is a liar in my book and he ain't for changing

Original poster
TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 21:34

I'm gutted (sad) I know it's over but I can't bare the thought of all the pain everyone is going to go through. I love him, and yet I know I'm in love with somebody who has already gone. The man I loved left years ago. So devastated

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 21:37

yes, he left the building some time ago

time you moved on x

Greenshadow · 30/12/2010 21:46

Sorry if this is over simplistic, but if it is the lying that is the real issue rather than the porn, then surely the thing to do is make sure he isn't in the position to have to lie.
Try to get him to be as open as possible about the porn (difficult with a family around).
You obviously still love him and he is a good father, so it doesn't sound like you want to end the relationship.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 21:49

She already has tried to get him to be as open as possible.

He's still lying and lying.

nogreatexpectations · 30/12/2010 21:50

Does OPs DH have a job now or is he left in doors with access to the pc all day on his own? What is the situation now? Is he working at the moment?

I actually went through this with DH for 8 years before we got it nailed and to be honest there was a time when I cracked. Threw out the porn, threw out the video, then the dvd player, then the pc and eventually him! He has resolved his issues but I will never completely trust him because of the lying, so OP has my sincerest sympathy. Her DH obviously wants to stop otherwise he wouldn't have told her about it when he was watching 12 hrs a day.

TFP the added complications of pornography addiction usually include an escalation from moderate to extreme content which in turn has been shown to effect the way men view women. Not sure if OP wants to know that though. So we can only deal with the addiction and the lying.

StuffingGoldBrass · 30/12/2010 22:37

OK, so it is an addiction. THere is nothing you can do to make an addict stop using the substance/behaviour unless and until the addict decides to stop.
This is true whether the addiction is to alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping or Pringles.
Sorry Tattyanna but it does sound like your marriage is beyond saving. It wasn't clear from your original post how serious and problematic the addiction is.

Niceguy2 · 30/12/2010 23:05

I agree with SGB.

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