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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I'm going to have to leave dh

88 replies

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 16:36

He has a problem with porn addiction, has done for years. We've done the councilling, together and apart, 2 years worth in total. He has lied and lied and tbh it's the lying that upsets me more than anything. I borrowed his phone just now to come online and he starts looking nervous, I ask him is there anything he needs to tell me and he promises there isn't. Then I see he has been googling porn. My marriage is dead isn't it?

OP posts:

HerBeatitude · 30/12/2010 17:38

alouise people in the middle ages didn't all plan day trips to pre historic caves for a mass wank, because they couldn't bring themselves off without looking at a cave painting.

And he doesn't have to lie. He could easily say: "look, I don't see this as a problem, I'm not going to stop doing it." That's what honest people do.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/12/2010 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 17:39

I'm not sure cave paintings are proven to be wank material, more a recording of what's going on....

or do we think cave men gathered around and stared at their walls?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/12/2010 17:40

If you'd be furious, then presumably you'd have the spine to tell your H where to get off? Yet, you apologise for a man who lacks that spine and tell us that he has to lie. No-one has to lie, actually. To do so takes the other partner's choices away from them.

Original poster

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 17:40

Alouiseg, have you actually read my posts? You think its normal for somone to spend 12 hours every single day sat at the PC viewing porn?

OP posts:

HerBeatitude · 30/12/2010 17:41

I now have a vision of lots of cave people sitting around wanking in their caves.

Sorry, I'll get me coat.

(God the Flinstones would look different wouldn't it...)

Original poster

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 17:42

Everyone who says its about the lying rather than the porn is 100% spot on, thank you for understanding

OP posts:

emmyloulou · 30/12/2010 17:54

AlouiseG do yourself a favour and read the posts or continue to make yourself look stupid.

It's not the PORN as such (even so she'd be right to question things that upset her).

It's cost him his job and all he has done all day in the past is look for porn. That's an addicition same as alcohol, drugs.

When it's affecting your life to the point you are ruining it, losing your job and can't function without partaking all day, you have serious problems.

Alouiseg · 30/12/2010 17:58

People tend to say "its the lying" rather than admitting that it is actually the behaviour that bothers them.

When really, the lying wouldn't happen if the behaviour wasn't "forbidden".

He can't be spending 12 hours a day downloading it if you "catch him out" by looking at his phone.

I'm afraid this is a bit of a drip feed op. It's getting worse as thread goes on.

emmyloulou · 30/12/2010 18:02

No Alouiseg she said outright he had a porn addiction.

Op has drip fed and explained it in graphic terms the history as people such as yourself fail to understand what the term addiction means and how porn addiction is just as bad as alcohol or drugs. He did lose his job and did spend 12 hours a day hence the councelling.

You wouldn't keep giving an alcoholic booze would you? If they continued this distructive behaviour you'd leave eventually. Porn addiction is the same.

Grow up.

HerBeatitude · 30/12/2010 18:03

So if someone were drinking a couple of bottles of wine a day, it would be the fault of the person who told him he wasn't allowed to do it or the relationship would be over, if he did it in secret then alouise?

Really?

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/12/2010 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude · 30/12/2010 18:04

I don't see any drip feeding either. The OP said he had a porn addiction.

That's not the same as being a porn user, anymore than enjoying a flutter on the Derby, the Grand National and the Gold Cup, is being a gambling addict.

ISNT · 30/12/2010 18:07

He was sacked from his job for viewing porn there and then spent his time at home looking at porn.

On what level is that fine?

Am boggled that anyone could think that people can't wank without porn. That's just really silly.

ISNT · 30/12/2010 18:09

tattyanna people with compulsions/addictions need to want to stop, you can't make them. He doesn't want to stop, so that's that really. I don't think there's anything else you can do

I am sorry.

ISNT · 30/12/2010 18:12

What does he say about it all?

PhishFoodAddiction · 30/12/2010 18:17

In this situation it's often the lying that hurts the most.

My DH likes porn. I don't. He ordered some porn behind my back, I saw the parcel and he lied to me and said it was something for his brother. I found out it wasn't, and while I found the porn aspect distasteful, it was the fact he'd lied to my face that had me raging.

I don't get the argument that everyone needs porn to wank, I prefer to use my imagination. and at the prehistoric porn idea!

OP, your partner is being disrespectful to you by lying, and is unlikely to change. It may be hard to separate but imagine how free you feel without the constant doubt hanging over you. Good luck.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 18:29

I keep thinking about Armstrong and Miller doing porn like Hope I'm not offending OP.

nogreatexpectations · 30/12/2010 19:45

Hi TattyAnna,

Did your husband download porn at work before or after you asked him to stop? Did you have an objection to the porn use before or after he was sacked? When did the counselling first start, before or after he was sacked?

I ask because you seem rather ambivelant about your feelings towards the pornography and at a subtle level your dh might be aware of this. Addicts will use any means to justify to themselves their addictions and related behaviour. Maybe he justifies his addiction because he percieves your objection to stem from his lack of drive to get a job, lack of help around the home, spending money that could be put to a better use or anger that he lost his job?

singingcat · 30/12/2010 19:50

Wow I can't believe he lost his job because of something so ridiculous. I would have dumped him then, he clearly has no control over himself.

susiedaisy · 30/12/2010 20:00

Of course porn is the issue, the lying about it came after he has been told asked not to use it, he is still using it on a regular basis by the sounds of it and the OP doesnt like it, the lying just adds insult to injury, after 2 years of counseling he still needs wants to use it, then the question to ask yourself is can i make my peace with this, can i still love and respect my husband even though he is doing something i really do not like?, IMO

Original poster

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 20:29

We went to counselling about 6 months after he lost his job and when he broke down and told me he was spending every minute he could looking at porn. He was desperate for help, he was literally spending 12 hours a day looking at porn on his pc. He was the one who wanted to get help. We tried reducing the amount of time he spent looking at it but that didn't work so we agreed that he wouldn't look at it at all. If he had told me he was struggling I would have helped him but I asked him and he looked me in the eyes and lied to me! This has happened beforeand I forgave him, even understood why he had lied but I can't keep doing this. Nobody can surely tell me they would be happy in a marriage where one person is repeatedly lying

OP posts:

singingcat · 30/12/2010 20:31

That is absolutely mad. How does someone get so obsessed with something?

Original poster

TattyAnna · 30/12/2010 20:40

It's an addiction, people get addicted to all kinds of things, alcohol, drugs, food, porn

OP posts:

MissHellToe · 30/12/2010 20:44

TattyAnna I don't think you're bring given very good advice so far, I hope it improves and doesn't turn into a pro/anti-porn bunfight.

It does sound like the trust has gone from your relationship, and if after counselling his behaviour hasn't changed, I'd suspect it won't. He's already lost his job over it - perhaps he has to lose you too before he can begin to sort himself out

He seems on a self-destructive path tbh - what's he like? Is he abusive or rude to you, or is he aware he's hurting you and literally just can't stop?

With alcoholics, MNers always advise (rightly) that as a partner, you can't make them stop. You understand this is an addiction in the same vein as alcoholism, so even though you love him and fancy him, perhaps you need to release yourself from the relationship - a trial separation, done carefully and caringly?

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