Any positive shared care/custody stories *please*....

[abbeyroad]

I'm pretty sure 2011 is the year that dp and I will break up. We have both talked about it and how we would take care of the children - sun-wed morn with him and thurs-sun morn with me. 3.5 days each, I feel like that's best for the children under the circumstances, as dp is a hands-on parent and they love us equally.

Our relationship is I think unsalvageable but I am extremely guilty about putting ourselves first and our own happiness above the children. I know we can remain friends and will live near each other, but I also think we will both move on fairly quickly as we are both gregarious so we may be hitting a 'blended' family situation within a couple of years.

Does anyone have any positive stories of shared care/advice they could offer me? I am absolutely desperate to keep my children happy and secure in the longterm (they are currently 3 and 5). Thanks.

I think 3.5 days is far too long for your children to go without seeing you.

I'm sorry, I don't have a solution really but I wouldn't give up half of the week.

Could you bear to share a large house that's in two flats?

I know it will be ahrd for me (and them) but I work mon-wed and leave house at 7am and don't gte home until 6 so their time with me is very limited then anyway.

But you're right, I do worry about that immensely which is why I asked if there was any positive stories.

I think it was Erin Pizzey in the 70s who did this with her husband; I remember thinking it was a really civilised way to live if you wanted to live apart. If I remember correctly, the children's rooms were on the ground floor and he was in the basement - both parents had access to the ground floor but not to each other's floors.

No don't want to share house but don't mind living nearby.

The arrangement you describe is exactly what we're doing, even down to the days. It's not working here. Sorry to rain on your parade.

wanna-how come it's not working? (There's noparade here btw...)

My parents split when I was 11, my brothers 8 and 12.
My parents had shared custody. It worked really well. The best thing you can do is just make the whole thing very friendly between you and ex-p. My parents were amazing at this, even when my mum remarried my dad, mum and her new partner would be friendly and normal with eachother at family events which made it so much easier for us.

One thing not to do (though this will be more important when the kids are older) is not put all the responsibility on them for having the right thing in the right place at the right time. It was really upsetting to get in trouble for having left somethng (games kit, homework) at the wrong house. You need to do their thinking for them a bit till they get the hang of it.

Best of luck.

Shared care and 50/50 can and does work well for lots of people (myself included).

3.5 days is not too long and this is not a war - good on you for realising this - it is not about "giving up" time but about what is best for the dc. It sounds like you have this firmly at the heart of your planning.

One thing I would say is that it can be bumpy at first, once it all becomes reality people can change and become difficult so be prepared to ride that one out for a while (and to keep yourself in check if it is you who goes through the stage).

Good luck with it, by the sounds of it you and H have got a really good attitude to making this work.

I have shared care of my DS1 with my Ex-H. But not to the extent of half a week each. Ex-H has DS1 overnight on a Wednesday, every other weekend, and half of all school holidays. Which can and does mean that from the age of 5yo, in longer school holidays, I can go a full week without seeing my DS1. It took a LOT of getting used to, but DS1 is now almost 9yo, and it is working well for all of us.

DS1 gets to see his brother and sister here a lot, and he also gets to see his step-brother and baby brother at his dad's.

TBH I can't see any issues with the way we do shared care until DS1 goes to Secondary school, when it might become an issue if he is at my house and needs school books that have been left at his dad's house, or vice versa. We have agreed to review access arrangements at the Easter of yr6 at school, once we know which secondary DS1 will be attending.

Thanks whyhavepets - any tips on lessening the pain for them in the first instance (emotionally, I have thought about all the practical stuff such as having 2 sets of everything)?

SouthgoingZax- thanks glad to hear you are not traumatised for life by your parents' break up...

No, have very normal life with DH and DCs

(except clearly permanently traumatised by leaving my pe kit at the wrong house!)

II?ve done it twice, first with two DSs, then with DD with a different dad. I am on civil rather than friendly terms with their dads but we have all tried to put DCs first and worked out informal arrangements with no legal input.
With DSs (6 and 4 at the time), generally he would drop them to school every morning and have them overnight twice during the week. In those days I worked on Saturdays so he would have them then, they?d spend Sundays with me and I would pick them up from school on Mondays.
With DD (4 at the time) I have her every night during the week as I live closer to school but ExP picks her up three afternoons, and keeps her Friday night and the two other evenings till bedtime.
So they all ended up spending slightly more time with me but saw their fathers if not every day then every two days. Dads allowed to visit/take them for ice cream etc even if it wasn?t their official day. They were all also allowed to call their other parent any time they wanted to.
Special occasions?birthdays, Christmas?were planned and agreed in advance. Also we have all tried to be flexible about holidays, illness etc. There have been some squabbles but overall it?s worked very well.

I know a couple of families this works well for - was shared care before the split, which I do think matters as it means continuity is preserved. The ones who don't live nearby have 2 of everything except coats/shoes, so the kids aren't forever worrying about misplaced PE kits or remembering to bring new underwear.

The ones who live 2 streets away it works really easily for as the kids can run over and pick any bits up.

I think you may need to think about weekends at some point, though. If the kids are at school all week then your ex won't have any weekend days with them, that might be tough.

Kids need both parents. I disagree that half a week is too long. After all, many very small ones don't see Dad for 2 weeks at a time. Unless there is one very obvious primary carer before a split, I think shared care can be the optimal arrangement, but it does take co-operation.

Worked well for us. We did it different days each week though because I was working 24 hour shifts at the time. Son was ok with this because I could give him notice so he knew what he was doing and when.

I think you need to re think weekends too - on one hand so the Ex can spend some time with the kids on the weekend but also at some point you might want a social life!!

Son is now 20

Thanks perfectstorm and namechanger. In our plan dh would have dcs all day Sunday so he would be able to spend time with them as well. This mkes sense as i do not work thurs/fri so my 3.5 days would best take place then. I couldn't take them to school/CM mon-wed as I leave house too early so couldn't do week in/week out. Plus selfishly I couldnt bear not to see them for a whole week.

My social life will have to take place then or in a mon-wed evening.

Do the children you have/know seem secure/ happy in the arrangement?

Yes, very - but all parents are working together to help ensure that. If you can then it's the best for the kids IMO. They don't lose either parent as a very present carer, and they keep the arrangements of care as they were before the split.

I do think you need to think carefully about whether you and their father can avoid handovers being like a hostage exchange, if that isn't too harsh a phrase. A weekly email to round up what they've been doing, what the issues are, etc is a tip one say works well. Email is a permanent record so patterns can be picked up on and misunderstandings avoided. And it can be an aide memoire when things like prescriptions, dr/dentist/optician appt's are at issue.

My ex H and I have sort of shared care and it works very well for us. I have my daughter (now 5) Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and he has her Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. It means that in reality she actually sees both of us every day except Monday as she sees one of us in the morning and one in the evening. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, it works great for us, can't believe it really. I left 18 months ago for OM and expected the worst and ended up with the best. Ex H and I actually are more civil than we've ever been in years as there's no pressure there now and my little girl has settled into the routine really easily. On a bizarre perfect divorce side note, ex H is now seeing my DD's former nursey school teacher and my DD gets on great with her. She seems very nice and is CRB checked too lol...

First of all, can I commend you in your approach to this, because what shines through in your posts is your willingness to keep the DCs' needs uppermost.

Some friends of ours have an arrangement like this and it seems to work very well indeed, despite a hugely acrimonious divorce after infidelity. Slightly different arrangement in that one week, the split is 4/3, the next 3/4 and alternate weekends, so that both parents get to be with the DCs during the more relaxed nature of weekends. This is only achievable because both parents altered their working hours and live within a 5 minute drive of eachother.

On the DCs' birthdays, both parents have a protected chunk of time with that child, regardless of the rota. Christmases are alternated, but again both parents get to spend a chunk of time on the day itself, achieved by alternating Christmas Eve sleepovers.

There were hiccups along the way because initially, feelings were running very high and there were some arguments in front of the DCs on handovers. However, although the parents still can't stand one another, they communicate about the DCs via E mail, for the reasons mentioned by an earlier poster.

This won't affect you just yet, but the DCs I'm referring to are older, the eldest being a lad of 16. As you'd expect, he wants to do his own thing now at the weekends especially and while his Dad understands and supports this, his Mum guilt trips him if he doesn't want to spend time with her when she sees him, so although that's a long way off for you now, bear in mind that the DCs' social needs change over time and just like a conventional set-up, they get to the healthy stage of not needing their parents as much.

Good luck!

All great advice thanks. Hadn't thought about the emailing thing but that's really good idea (especially as both dh and I are rather absent minded).

I did this from when my dc were 2 and 6.

They are now grown up and both have a lovely relationship with me, and also with their dad.

The main thing that made it work for us ws being consistent about rules - we always managed to agree on things like whether they could get their ears pierced or have mobile phones, we communicated instantly if there were any problems (fallings out at school etc), we were able to let each other know if there were any niggles or things that we were worried about so the other could keep an eye open, and with did things like go to school parents nights together.

Things change as they grow older - I remember one dc telling me off for talking about whose 'turn' it was to have the children during a holiday and I was quite rightly reminded that they were people not posessions. You will need to keep on top of their timetables and try to avoid them carting stuff backwards and forwards too much. My dc hated having to take gym kit to school on a day they didn't need it, just because they would have to take it back to the house of the other parent that night.

Living close together is a big help. I gave up the opportunity of a great job because it would have meant a disruptive move.

Of course there may be times when you feel overwhelmed with guilt (I certainly did) and other people may lay a lot on you "oh I don't know how you can BEAR to be away from them when they are so young" but I certainly knew that it would be more damaging for us to stay together as a very dysfunctional unit than to be apart, and to manage it as well as we could.

I think it sounds like a good idea. 3.5 days is fine each - whoever said they wouldn't like to be apart from their children for 3.5 days needs to consider that they are perfectly willing to deny the other parent that time.
Living close together helps lots for swimming bag moments, warm coat moments, favourite cuddly toy of the day moments...
Good and frequent communication is key.

Wonderous - you have made me think about an every other day arrangement (I could rearrange my work days accordingly). It would be nice to see them every day still. I just wonder whether at their age whether they'd know whether they were coming or going...

I really think you should consider it! possibily every other day but every other weekend too - I know you say you can have your social life on the days you don't have the kids - which is true but you also cant go away for the weekend with or with out the kids and although it is great to see them every day (I did this) sometimes one day at a time is never enough and can be limiting.

I have friends who live very close- on the same estate and the dc could walk between houses of their own accord, the father still went to family parties and the wife still looked after his house when he worked abroad- and still does she has key to his house.

He pays her a small amount for keeping the dc and then he takes her out to change her car and pays for the car and gets it serviced etc

the dc stay with mum whilst he works away and then go to his when he is back so for longer periods but evenish

share care but for two weeks or 4 weeks

though the dc can come and go if they want, bith parent talk and mum has a long standing boyfriend and dad we think has a gf in another country though mum says the dc wouldn't mind but she thinks he wants to keep that part of his likfe away from his dc