Its our Wedding Anniversary today and . . . . . .

[littlejo67]

Just wanted some feedback as to whether I am making to much of something. Its our 4th Wedding Anni today. Last week I said to dh that I would take today off if we could do something nice and could he come up with some suggestions as I always organise something.

Then he took the day of as well so I was full of anticipation. The signs were there that he had lack of enthusiasm as he made comments such as - Shall we bother with cards this year as they are not very green and over priced. I said it felt like he was not wanting to bother. In my head I was thinking about the expensive cards he had bought his family at Xmas.

Then he mentioned that he took the day off so he would not have to go to work.I said again that I wanted him to organise something.
Last night when I asked him do I have to get up early tom, he snapped and mentioned why so I can drive somewhere and you fall asleep.

This morning I was up and ready and he surfaced at ten. Not even a card, I asked him what he fancied doing but he just looked bored and not very chatty glued to the net.He eventually went out and got me some flowers and I gave him his card.

The thing for me is that I always always organise everything. I so wanted somebody to do somwthing for me. Put a bit of effort in especially as I had mentioned it was important to me. Today he has hardly spoken to me and is sat as usual flicking thru the sky channels.
Previously I have booked day trips, meals and even holidays for our Ani. I just feel gutted that he could not find the energy to do a little something for me.

How is the marriage generally? Because he doesn't sound like he speaks to you very nicely, let alone anything else.

Sorry, he sounds absolutely horrible.
You can get lovely cards for less than £1 - his argument is pathetic.

He clearly doesn't give a toss.

I think anniversaries, birthdays etc depend on the individual. It's no big deal IF both of you agree to play it down (DH and I did this year as it's close to Xmas and birthdays anyway, we are broke and unwell/stressed) - but it has to be a prior agreement IMO.

He doesn't seem to consider your feelings. :(

Hi, Sdh, Marriage is ok been together 12 years. He in fact has been more helpful recently since I have asked for more support with my ill mother - I am her carer. He also pays my student uni fees, so he has his good points and I appreciate it. I feel let down today. I do feel taken for granted and not appreciated. He can be self absorbed sometimes. Today I was really looking forward to spending quality time with him. I wanted him to show I was worth the effort I suppose.

Mal- I understand where your coming from but it is balanced out by his good days!

Frosty- I did say to him that it felt like he did not want to bother with a card. I had already bought one. So hid it incase he got me one. Though I dod mention that the day togeher was important- thats whats upset me.
He doesnt really get how it is for me I dont think.

This is yet another occasion where I am so glad I am single.

Do you realise how he sounds?

I wouldn't live with someone like that if you paid me a fortune. He doesn't care for you in the way you want, does he? Never mind paying your university fees, he can't even be polite to you!

Think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

to be honest, he sounds a bit like my dh. Who is crap at organising stuff, thinks aniversaries and valentines are contrived ways to flog more stuff to us.

However, mine has a wonderfully thoughtful side too. I learned that he expresses his love in ways that he sees as important and I sometimes need to expand my thinking too.

I also learned that if I want something organised properly and the way I like it, then I have to do it!!

So, MN, shoot me down if you like for not having a perfect man but actually all this is small fry compared to the wonderful life we have together ad I really wouldn't change anything.

Hope this helps

But Lydwatt, it's nothing to do with her anniversary in the end, it's to do with the way he speaks to her and treats her.

In any case, unless you're a bit daft and buy red roses on Valentine's Day, then you don't have to spend money unnecessarily. If the OP would have been happy with a day out, maybe go to the cinema, have a pub lunch etc, then that wouldn't be pandering to Hallmark, would it? If your husband made you a lovely meal and gave you some chocolates on Valentine's Day, is that really putting money in the capitalists' pockets?

Yes, I agree with that but, I would suggest that we are only hearing the OP's version of this day. We weren't there to hear what was actually said or how it was meant.

There are moments that you could have caught me going on about how rubbish my DH is and how unfair and inconsiderate he could be. then, when discussing it through with him, i realise how I have come across and that i have misunderstood too.

Has the OP tried discussing with her DH what he wanted to do on this day or why he was in such a bad mood??

twolenths - thanks for your imput. Its not that he treas me like crap - its just that sometimes he just doesnt get it and sometimes I wonder whether he is like this on purpose. I am no angel myself sometimes!

Lydwatt - I have spoken to him and he said that he was avoiding me because he thought I was in a bad mood over something else . I did mention that i was considering going into work after all as nothing was planned. I wanted him to say "we can...." but he just went out instead.

He mentioned his day being ruined as well and that he will learn from this and not do it next year. Trouble is he has done this before I think it was my birthday, and I told him those sorts of dates were important.
I said that when he decides to do no planning thats a decision in itself.Thats why I reacted so strongly myself.

If he knows that this upsets you and still does it then that's not very nice behaviuos is it.

Ask why the hell is he being so nasty??

Wouldn't bother doing anything for him around the house for him until he gets it.

Why put yourself through this crap.
Really

Mamas - I agree with you. Its not nice behaviour. I know he loves me as I feel it, hough he does not show it.

I had to ask him to support me more as he was in his own bubble and to give him his due he has been more supportive recently.

I do ask myself whats going on for him when he is like this.
He is difficult to talk to as he is very defensive and usually get mad if he feels a criticism.

Anyone out there with experiences similar?

He really has to get over himself.
His selfishness is detrimental to your relationship.
He upsets you and then gets defensive because you show him that.
Good that he is being more supportive but really it is NOT that dificult to show someonw that you care about them in the ways that they would appreciate.

You know sometimes you get those men that.... suck the joy out of special occasions? Is he one of those?

Harlot - laughed at your post as I can really relate to that. He does admit that his moods change with the wind. Its like a flick of a switch and he is morphed into an emotional vampire! I do feel that he sucks the joy out of everything sometimes.

LittleJo - . You must feel so hurt and disappointed, not to mention a bit confused.

The one thought that's occurred to me is that you both appear to be passing each other emotionally, like ships in the night. Perhaps you're talking different languages? i.e. you both clearly respond to different ways of showing love for each other (some cheesy book calls this 'love languages'). So if you enjoy surprises and he doesn't, then you shouldn't plan surprises for him. And if he enjoys spending time together but doesn't particularly value expensive gifts, then you should plan a day out together without frittering lots of cash away.

Do those examples make any sense?

At the end of the day you both need to talk and hear each other properly. I suggest you use the hanky technique - whoever's holding the hanky does all the talking; the listener has to listen 100% and then reflect back what they think their partner was saying. The partner (hanky holder) can then correct any errors. Then you swap hankies. From experience, it's a bit artificial but a brilliant way to understand each other better.

Good luck!

Er...I was with someone like that. Everything was about him. He would be in a bad mood and then it would be my fault because he thought I was going to be in a mood . Your comment above about that sounded very familiar.

After 12 years of being together, I really don't think you should be having to explain to him how you are feeling or not feeling most of the time. That sounds like very hard work and it's also something that I had to do, all the time. Mine used to say that he didn't really understand because he'd never really had a proper relationship before (which was rubbish).

He just liked the attention being on him all the time and behaving however he wanted and he used to give me this sob story about not really understanding whenever he overstepped the mark. I let this cycle of bad behaviour, explaining to him how it affected me, him promising not to do it again, him doing it again, me explaining to him again how it affected me, etc etc - go on for far too long and ended up feeling exhausted and drained.

Card or no card, to sit watching channel hopping on Sky and not communicating because he thought you were in a mood sounds a little narcissistic (and is very similar to behaviour that I put up with up). The onus always feels on you to explain how you are feeling and what you expect when any reasonable person would know that to sit watching Sky and barely responding to their partner would upset them at any time, especially on an anniversary.

He sounds hard work, I'm afraid! Apologies if I am projecting my own experiences on yours here; it's just that so much of what you wrote resonated with me that I had to respond.

Snowy - that cheesy book does sound good. We are passing each other emotionally. As long as I agree with him he feels heard. If I dont he feels criticised.
Good idea about the hanky - at least we would both have our say. Though thats not the same as feeling heard. If I say how i need something I usually get " its always my fault, I pay the mortgage and your uni fees" blah blah. Thats his justification and a defensive reaction.

Jessin - I feel you understand as you have experienced the same. I get the "this is the way I am", and his behaviour can always be justified.

I am sounding very negative here as I am thinking of the bad stuff - there is good stuff to. Though yes he is hard work and draining.

Hi Littlejo
It does all sound horribly familiar.

Firstly I would say that I became good at convincing myself and others that the good things were really good. In reality they seemed better than they were because he could be awful so the good things appeared better in comparison, if that makes sense. I don't think it's a bad thing to look at what's making you unhappy here. You have stuck with this man for a long time so clearly have a lot invested in this relationship. I doubt anyone posts their worries on here lightly.

Secondly, you have been hurt by his behaviour and I think are seeking validation for your hurt feelings. To be told that you have no right to be hurt when you clearly are (not that I think anyone has done but it could happen) would be to deny your feelings on the matter and would result on confusion. Again, I speak as someone who was constantly hurt by a man but was told by him that I had no right to feel that way and that my feelings were "wrong". I then would spend time trying to rationalise away perfectly normal feelings that I was experiencing. I completely understand where you are coming from in your OP.

For example, not receiving a card on your anniversary would be hurtful unless you expressly have an agreement not to exchange cards. But, to add to your confusion, the justification he gives is the expense and that it's not very green....fair enough on the green argument, I guess....but then you see him behaving completely differently when it comes to buying his family Xmas cards. So you see yourself being treated differently to other people and not enforcing his so called principles when it comes to his family which also causes you confusion. You can accept his justification but then it rings a bit hollow and you end up questioning your feelings on the matter.

I'd suggest that you think about whether this is a general pattern in your relationship. And if you often end up feeling drained by him.

I accept that he'll have some good points but try to think about how you feel most of the time.

Sorry for abruptness/typos. Am on my phone and it's difficult to type.

Could I also suggest that you google narcissistic personality disorder?

Does any of it fit with your experiences?

I have some links I can let you have if you'd like to read more. I read back through the thread again and a lot of what you write sounds familiar; the bad reaction to criticism, the bubble, the non-communication, the moods, the constant confusion of him saying one thing and doing another (the Xmas/anniversary cards is a good example).

Here to chat if you want some support.

Hi Jessin, Thanks for the support. Have actually thought about BPD before. Got a book about it years ago called walking on egg shells.
I even showed him a list of symptoms online a couple of years ago as his behaviour ticked most of them. So he is aware he can be difficult.

He has matured emotionally - especially in the last year. In the last two months he has been more supportive. He did take on board how self absorbed he was. So he is trying hard and I can see that. I hope he can keep it up.

I am off to bed now, thanks for your imput. I feel really heard. I am also very curious - What happened with your relationship? You speak like it was in the past.

OP, I think Jess has provided some really helpful, insightful posts on your thread. The only other thing that struck me about your posts is that he seems completely under-invested in your romantic relationship.

I also think he has been playing a bit of a sick game here, because on the build up to your anniversary, it was obvious that you wanted to do something nice to mark it and he waited until the day itself to reveal that he had done nothing at all, not even buy or make a card. This ensured that your disappointment was far worse than if he had admitted a few days ago that he had made no arrangements.

I would also add that present-giving (unsuitable ones or none at all) is often cited in lists of traits associated with personality disorders.

ok, so he does sound completely different from my husband. It was worth considering!

Having read the rest of your posts, I would want to get more equality of investment if I were you. He does seem to expect you to do all the running and that is not fair.
there seems to be some excellent posts gere with good advise, hope they help.

Do you have kids with him?

Hi WwIfn, About the sick game but I understand what your saying but he got quite offended a few years back when I mentioned BPD. He recognised some traits but it was never persued.
I think the game he was playing was more of the i cant do it on my own thing.
Occasionally now he does give me flowers, as I mentioned that this would be nice. On the whole he does under invest in our relationship.

Hi Lyd, I have mentioned to him the effort he puts in with others. He admits he needs people to like him so he feels valued and therefore invests in others by being a people pleaser.

So when I say he is in his bubble that is his behaviour in the house or really to me. He is different to others.

Jess - Looking at our relationship 5 years ago it was more difficult. He is getting better. So when you say how do you feel most of the time? -- its difficult as we can go through a bad few months but this is counteracted by a good few months. It feels exhausting during the bad phase but I feel elated when its good.

We dont have any kids together. I have two from a previous relationship.