Its our Wedding Anniversary today and . . . . . .

[littlejo67]

Just wanted some feedback as to whether I am making to much of something. Its our 4th Wedding Anni today. Last week I said to dh that I would take today off if we could do something nice and could he come up with some suggestions as I always organise something.

Then he took the day of as well so I was full of anticipation. The signs were there that he had lack of enthusiasm as he made comments such as - Shall we bother with cards this year as they are not very green and over priced. I said it felt like he was not wanting to bother. In my head I was thinking about the expensive cards he had bought his family at Xmas.

Then he mentioned that he took the day off so he would not have to go to work.I said again that I wanted him to organise something.
Last night when I asked him do I have to get up early tom, he snapped and mentioned why so I can drive somewhere and you fall asleep.

This morning I was up and ready and he surfaced at ten. Not even a card, I asked him what he fancied doing but he just looked bored and not very chatty glued to the net.He eventually went out and got me some flowers and I gave him his card.

The thing for me is that I always always organise everything. I so wanted somebody to do somwthing for me. Put a bit of effort in especially as I had mentioned it was important to me. Today he has hardly spoken to me and is sat as usual flicking thru the sky channels.
Previously I have booked day trips, meals and even holidays for our Ani. I just feel gutted that he could not find the energy to do a little something for me.

I suppose from that you can take some comfort in that he is so secure in your love that he does not feel the need to 'people please' you for security. However, its one extreme to the other! Can you make him understand that, although he has the security of your love, a little consideration is still appreciated?

So you're saying that on the whole, he does under-invest in your relationship and that he puts in the effort with other people and makes efforts to please them, but not you? And that your life is punctuated by highs and lows, dependent on his moods and phases?

I'm surprised you think that the game he was playing was that he couldn't do this on his own, but if this were truly the case, he must have thought that you would buy the notion that a grown man lacked the capability to buy a card or arrange a few simple activities. Are there other examples of where you infantilise him and provide/accept excuses for childish behaviour, I wonder?

As so often with relationship threads, this doesn't seem to be about an uneventful wedding anniversary at all, but a relationship where one party is giving far more and taking disproportionate responsibility for its health.

Hi Littlejo
Everything you write I can identify with. I too bought the walking on eggshells book, plus several others. Mine was provisionally diagnosed with Aspergers after I persuaded him to go to his GP after some particularly nasty behaviour from him. This diagnosis made sense at the time but was later discarded by a mental health social worker and a therapist.

I took what I know now was a lot of emotional abuse from mine over the years. I was so happy when he went for help because I thought finally we'll get things sorted. A few months later my illusions were shattered and I kicked him out just as we were about to fly on holiday together. He went anyway. I stayed at home, a wreck. He knew I was devastated (I found out he'd lied again about something he had promised not to do) but instead of comforting me, he raged, punched a few walls, told me lied to me because I made him lie (!). And he needed a holiday so off he went. I had an email from him whilst he was away going about what a rubbish time he was having because the resort wasn't that great etc. All about him. I haven't spoken to him since (18 months ago).

I found out about NPD and BPD whilst I was in the relationship but didn't want to believe that this man whom I adored had something like that. I put it down to depression. When he went on holiday I spent some time on the Internet and found out more about NPD. That resolved me not to speak to him again (although it was a very hard to do).

I am convinced mine has a combination of BPD and NPD. I was also warned by someone who did know about these but ignored them. I understood depression but I didn't understand personality disorders.

Obviously I hope that you are not in the same situation I was in but, if you are, I would urge you to do some research. I kept a blog of my experiences after we broke up, completely anonymously. I would be happy to pm you a link if you would like to read it, although I understand if you wouldn't at the moment.

Just to add, I would spend hours with him talking through why I was upset about something and trying to get him to understand. He loved the attention, I realise now. He managed to treat other people well and not me, so when he claimed not to understand people and especially me emotionally, I would feel off balance. (Feeling off balance is how I would describe myself most of the time during our relationship.). The treating other people well came from a need to be liked. Treating me badly came from a need to control.

We had good times and bad times but I look back now and see that the good times were more of a relief than me feeling happiness because he hadn't kicked off, or ruined a meal out by sulking, or shouted at me for nagging when I asked if he wanted a cup of tea.

I put up with some very bad behaviour but because friends and colleagues were looking at porn, going to strip clubs, having affairs left, right and centre, I actually felt lucky (til mine visited a strip club on a stag night and started looking at porn in the last few months of our relationship). This is why I am saddened by many women on MN excusing behaviour like this from men. I thought it was all perfectly normal so assumed that the problem was with me and I sought counselling.

I've now ditched many of these friends and ditched him and moved cities. My family and friends were doing cartwheels when I ditched him and life is infinitely calmer and better.

I meant to mention flowers. Very easy for men to buy. No thought required whatsoever!

I once had 4 bunches in my house over a 2 week period as apologies for screwing up at various times. I would rather have had no flowers and no need for an apology in the first place!

I didn't mean to hijack this post. How are you doing, OP?