WTF.....

[CeeTee]

ok. Dh & I are not getting along, surprize.
So anyway, my question is for SAHM, or WM who dont make as much as DH....Does he call his money..."HIS MONEY"? Mine has started that & it's really pissing me off.... My thinking is that he is able to buy stupid sh*& and fuss at me for getting groceries, clothing etc.... can anyone help???

My ex was like that. 'if you want a say in what I gets bought..earn the money!'
How much would it cost him to employ a nanny cleaner..prostitute!!!
My DH is so different never questions a thing

No. It's always our money. It's not an issue.

I recently gave up well paid job to work part time from home (on a pittance until I get established).

My DP has never made me feel like its his money, but I always feel like it is. Doesnt stop me spending it though!

Consider whether its actually you that has the issue with it, and whether your DH actually means what he says about 'his money'.

I think its easy to feel guilty if you are not contributing financially, especially if you have done so in the past.

Message withdrawn

Have to confess, I do feel like the money I earn is 'my' money - we each put x amount into a joint account every month for family spending but wages are paid into our own accounts.

If one of us was at home full-time, though, I think it would be 'our' money as we'd have made the joint decision to have one wage-earner supporting us all.

Your contribution to the family enables your dh to go out and earn the money - he wouldn't get out of the door without you! So it is joint money, IMO.

I have been contributing, problem is, I am now working for our family grocery store.
I cannot be snooty enough to ask for a paycheck & they have deceided that my payment will be my mortgage being paid & utilities., Which I am thankful for of course....only problem is that I work full time go home take care of household duties, take care of kids & have no money in my hands. Dh is really being kind of an arse b/c when I was the one working for cash I NEVER did that to him & he is spending extravagently on stuff WE DO NOT NEED!
Like I said earlier I went grocerie shopping & got bitched at!

If he wants to be like that you know what I suggest? Go down the job centre and look at the going rate for all the jobs you do - cook, cleaner, driver, laundry services, erm..personal services (might need to check the internet for that!!), childcare, etc etc (think I read somewhere to do the jobs that a mum does, for the same number of hours, you would be looking at at least £25,000 per annum, depending on where you live!!) . Walk up to him and present him with an itemised bill for just over £2,000 per month!!

Then tell him you've got holiday booked for November and he's going to have to get a temp in for 2 weeks!!

LOL MTP - they dont realise what you do until you stop doing it!

Dont have any advice really for you CeeTee but i sympathise.

just put all the bills in his name.
and dont get any groceries etc until he hands over the dosh.
all men are gits.

Ceetee,

In our house its "our money". Its not an issue here.

Have you drawn up an actual budget of what money goes where?. How much is he spending exactly and on what?.

Stitch,

Re your comment:-
"all men are gits".

You cannot generalise like that as its just not true.

This is a constant on going thignin our house. It's really horrible and makes you feel awful. We SAHM are not appreciated for what we do around the home. We are doing the best 'job' in the world.

I think i made DH realise once when i went on strike for just one day but do it for more for a greater effect.

He came home it was a mess from toys food dishes etc. no tea on the table kitchen a state etc and that was one day imagine if i was lazy or always neglecting the home etc.

It hasn't risen again yet, but i also feel guilty cos i get to enjoy DS and be in the home while he works but someone has to earn and i know (so does he) that he wouldn't cope doing what i do.

Goodluck. Hope it all works out.

Meerkats,
He has spent money on digital camera, computer( which was paid off with our income tax MINE INCLUDED) loan his friends money, just got a truck for really cheap which we needed but I have no use of, pay per view boxing matches,bar tab for his friends (who make more money than us & DONT have children or bills) he bought me a ring for our anniversary & throws that in my face all the time,(even though I gave him the only cash I've gotten in my hands in about a year from working extra time at the store) just really dumb shit, but it's HIS money so I have no say so...meanwhile I am having to go to thrift shops for second hand clothes for my kids & myself(& hide the reciepts)
LATEST ARGUEMENT:
He told me I need to dress up & wear makeup & then fussed at me for buying makeup at the dollar store ( I had none thats why I haven't gotten all fixed up)& wouldn't let me deposit the money at the bank today. Told me that He goes to work everyday & supports the family, I told him that I work everyday & it takes care of the mortgage & electricity, I bring the kids to school,I bring the kids to birthday parties by myself, I clean the house, I cook dinner, I tend to the kids ALONE EVERY NIGHT.. all before he even gets home...now that he has a job he wants his own bank account & when I tell him well I can go & get a job elsewhere, he tells me no, mom & dad need me at the store.
I have been on my own since 18 yrs old, he never really worked before meeting me, so now that he is working he wants to see all reciepts, see the bank deposit slips etc.... I just dont get it. I feel so stupid for putting up with this.

SAHM here
He earns it, but its ours...

i wouldnt put up with it put ur foot down tell him if they are that desparat he can do it and you can get another job

CeeTee - I would tell him to get lost. Tell him that he is not welcome in your house and that he can spend his hard earned cash on renting himself somewhere.

Sounds controlling and like ownership CeeTee. It does not develop trust and commitment in a relationship to be analysed like you could be a potential thief within oyur own home.

He needs to wise up - tell him how you feel, how it upsets you... or if actions speak louder than words to him I like nannyjo´s idea

nanny jo & MTP do have great ideas don't they
[ wink ]

CeeTee hi
I am not SAHM but very poorly paid full-time working mum. I would say that financial control is a biggie if allowed to get out of hand and it is certainly v disempowering to be a supplicant in your own home. It affects other aspects of your self esteem. You know my story, well we live in p's house, everything I touch belongs to 'p' he buys himself stuff but moans constantly if he has to contribute for me or our son, he bought a £2000 bicycle while I was struggling without a car (bike got 'nicked' or maybe left outside a pub)he paid for us to go on holiday but then 'could not afford' a birthday present for me. This man earns a LOT, I earn a little and live a very spartan life, but still get advised I don't contribute enough. So I don't know how you will begin to resolve this but I would be very clear that you have self respect, and don't get sucked into the money/power issue as it tends to spill over into other areas. Keep your head held high, live your life and don't feel you need to justify the day to day decisions you make for yourself and the family.

Always our money.

I'm feeling guilty now, DH told me to go ahead & go shopping for clothing for the family. I did & he didn't question my spending...I am so confused at the moment, ....part of me wants to say maybe I got through to him this time,... the other side thinks that he is just buttering me up at the moment so I won't leave. Really starting to question my own sanity now.
Oh well....

i am sahm, earn nothing. dp gives me a cheque at the beginning of the month and i never tell him what i have used it for (tho i do all the shopping so obviously a lot goes on that). could you suggest a similar arrangement so you dont have to justify your spending?

ceetee SAHM here but used to be WM part time, my advice would be to

GO ON STRIKE GIRL

1. phone up cleaner and ask how much they will charge to do the things around the house

2. then phone childminder/nursery for the same

Get the quotes then drop them on his lap and watch him baulk.

My dh once said this to me and I told him I was going to employ these two things, he quickly apologised and now it is our money.

get all the bills transfered into his name under some pretence like - his job is more stable or go all eye batty and say " your so good with money"

then lets see who has the most disposable income.

oh and btw - if he buys himself ..ohh.err a CD player with is money.

tell him his kids want feeding and fuck off down the chippy and buy yer own.

been thinking more about this - the whole thing really gets on my tits. i dont understand why people whould spend "their money" surely you earn money to facilitate the lifestyle of your family as a whole?
think you need a serious conversation.

my dh has in the past earned less than me marginally and i tok great delight in annoucing i was the major bread winner in the house - but jokingly. now he earns more than me by 500 PA so he takes great delight - but is all in jest and the money is spent on the family and whatever bill needs paying

dh does this in reverse - goes on about 'my' money (I work, he is sahd/student) and it really annoys me. I do sometimes worry a bit when he buys another load of rare expensive books or needs to travel to do an interview but I worry when we have any largeish outgoings.