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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a leopard change his spots?

26 replies

DottyBag · 28/12/2010 22:35

I left my DH a few weeks sgo, but I really miss him, and want to go home.

I left after putting up with his drinking behaviour for years. It would seem that he has now resolved to stop drinking, joined a counselling group and dearly wants us home.

I've always said if he stopped drinking then things would be fine as he is generally good when he is sober. The kids adore him. I have been off work with depression, and am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist. My head is in a bit of a muddle.

Any words of advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

winnybella · 28/12/2010 22:37

Few weeks is not enough. Please give it at least few months. I would be very wary, though.

LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 28/12/2010 22:39

melanistic leopards have sort of hidden their spots

gobbledegoop · 28/12/2010 22:40

agree. wait at least 6 months, if he's still sober, think about it.

Kristingle · 28/12/2010 22:44

YY, wait at least 6 months. you need to get your own head sorted out first befroe you are in a good place to make major decisions like this

and please consider going to Al-Anon

BTW well done for having the courage to leave and getting counselling yourself. that takes a lot of balls

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 28/12/2010 22:45

It is FAR too early to tell - there's about a 99% chance that he is doing this because he thinks he should, or he thinks you want him to - ultimately because he thinks you will come back. It's extremely unlikely that he has looked seriously at what he has lost and decided to sort himself out for his own sake. (Much as I would love that to be the case for you).

You need to stick this out and not return until he's been clean for a lot longer, off his own steam. If he's doing this just because of you and you go back, he's got no motivation to keep it up - don't think the threat of leaving again will be, because he already knows you'll come back again. Also if you go back and he's just doing this for you, then he's much more likely to slip into it again, because he doesn't really want to stop (and he may well be resentful of you for it)

In short - it's unlikely, and if he is changing for real, it's better that you and the children aren't around him until he has come through this. I'm sorry :(

Ooopsadaisy · 28/12/2010 22:46

He needs to prove it to you.

That will take time.

In that time you will become yourself again and if it's right to go back then you won't need to ask anyone else because you will know it is right.

Scorps · 28/12/2010 22:47

I know you miss him.

I would think he should complete his counselling course first - you have the rest of your lives if he can solve it. He needs to solve it for him and for you alone, so he can do it alone and not with you holding his hand, iyswim.

Relate are very good too, helped me alot.

As for your question, I'm not too sure they can, but I'm a woman scorned!

msboogie · 28/12/2010 22:48

Wait, six months at least.

secretskillrelationships · 28/12/2010 22:52

Do you have DCs because I also think this makes a difference. You say 'us' so I'm guessing yes. In that case, given you have separated, I think you need to really know that there is a chance that things can really work out in the long term otherwise you are just creating even more uncertainty for your DCs.

fizzfiend · 29/12/2010 01:44

No a leopard never changes his spots.

Original poster

DottyBag · 29/12/2010 09:18

I feel so stupid - I made the mistake of taking the kids to his parents, ended up staying as it felt so nice and familiar, and I suppose got persuaded to come back on Hogmannay.

Felt sick as went back to my parents who helped me leave and have been so supportive too scared to tell them.

I just want to please everyone, as I don't know what to do myself.

My DCs are 4y, 2y and 8m old. I removed my eldest from his pre-school nursery to move to my folks, and having been here a few weeks, I am not sure if I want to stay in this area, as it is easier to go back to our old lives after the Xmas hols.

I just want to bury my head in the sand till this goes away. Please make me see sense!

OP posts:

Doha · 29/12/2010 09:27

Far far far too early to think about going back

Please think of your DC's as well--do not uproot them again until you are 101% sure.
He has resolved to stop drinking but has he actually stopped. Of course his parents want you to go back but your parents want what is best for you and your DC's.
You don't have to commit to staying in your current area longterm.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2010 09:27

Burying your head in the sand is not an option here.

Kids will accept any parent, even a drunkard like your man. Does not do them any favours though.

Stop trying to please everyone and just focus on you and these children instead. You are not responsible for your drunkard H at the end of the day. If him now seeking some help is being done also at your behest then it is more likely to fail; he has to want to do it for his own self. You cannot and should not be taking ownership of his alcohol problem.

I would also be talking to Al-anon as they can help you as well.

If you go back to your old lives the old ways will soon resurface and you'll be in an even worse position.

LadyLapsang · 29/12/2010 11:52

Do you mean you have given a commitment to move back in with your DH at Hogmannay or just that you will see him at a family social gathering?

I think you should concentrate on you and the children and let him get sober; if he is still not drinking in six months maybe you could start spending time together.

I would have thought Hogmanny would be the last day I would want to spend time with an alcoholic.

Original poster

DottyBag · 29/12/2010 12:04

I said I would come back on Hogmannay.

I now really regret it.

I am so weak - I just crumbled and was unable to say "No, I won't be back".

He has such a grip on me.

I went back to see how the kids would be with him.

He contacted me a while ago to say that he had lost our joint credit card so not to use it, that they would be sending out new cards shortly. I am ashamed to say I checked his wallet and found the "lost" card. He was financially controlling of me so this wasn't a surprise.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 29/12/2010 12:13

I think you need to be enormously strong for your own sake and for your children. You can change your mind and not move back. Tell your parents and get some support.

If you move back he will revert to his old ways, drinking, controlling you and making you mentally ill. Choose a better future.

Original poster

DottyBag · 29/12/2010 14:36

You're all so right.

It's just that we're staying at my parents 60+miles from our hometown, so I've left everything behind - DS1 school (he's only in pre-school but...), the DCs lovely childminder, whom I'm supposed to give 3mo notice to, my job (although i'm signed off at present), etc.

It's the thought of setting up again, not knowing if I have it in me to look after the 3 DCs on my own, but as Mum says, I was acting like a single parent anyway!

And organising school etc.

And a new home.

OP posts:

TheBibiJesus · 29/12/2010 14:40

Good for you Dotty! If he is changing, he will be a new man in 6m-a year's time. But don't go back yet, put you and your children first and if he deserves to be back in your lives, only then let him.

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/12/2010 14:48

If he's abusive as well as alcoholic, stay away from the arsehole. It sounds like you oculd do with some counselling for yourself, both WRT living with an alcoholic and WRT boosting your self esteen so you don't feel the need for a man, particularly this one, in your life.

As to whether people can change, well, some alcoholics do manage to quit and stay sober, but it takes hard work and serious intention to stay with it. AA works for some, but not all, though in general an alcoholic can't stop drinking without some proper, professional support.

LadyLapsang · 29/12/2010 19:57

Have you sought legal advice to see if you can get back in your house and have him removed?

I'm sure looking after three children will be much easier in the long run than going back to an abusive alcoholic.

Good luck

AnotherMumOnHere · 29/12/2010 20:36

What ladylapsang has said is good advice. I was the alcoholic in our marriage and I must agree with all the advice given here (all bar the poster who says leopards never change their spots). I no longer touch alcohol and I have changed thank goodness.

If hubby is serious re stopping and his family means as much to him as they should then he should be willing to move out of the marital home until he has proved to yourself that he has stopped and can stay stopped. It is very easy to stop drinking, staying stopped is another story. Then the changing has to start.

Please listen to what the ladies/gents here are saying. It is too personal to me to get involved any further.

I hope it all works out for you, but please dont bury your head in the sand - this problem wont go away and you are going to have to be very strong.

I also agree that Al-anon is a good step for you, hope you can find a babysitter to allow you to do this.

Tread carefully and please dont go back just so that life is easier - it wont be easier in the end !!

Original poster

DottyBag · 30/12/2010 17:51

So I managed to get my DS1 back from PILs.

Have decided not to go back, but my H believes me and the kids are coming home tomorrow. He has organised all his family to come round to ours for a steak dinner on New Years day. I know I have been deceiptful, but I feel I was bullied into saying i would return. Also he clearly doesn't understand the depth of my ill will towards him, as he is totally underplaying the fact i left on account of his drinking and resultant abuse.

He is in denial.

Am a bit concerned about what to tell him - do I contact him, or just not go? I have been repremanded for having had too much contact by friends, family, and my solicitor.

What would you suggest?

OP posts:

Original poster

DottyBag · 30/12/2010 17:53

I really do appreciate the impartial, candid advice you have given me thus far, BTW.

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 31/12/2010 09:53

Tell him you are not going back and that he will be hearing from your solicitor then put the phone down on him and don't take any more calls.
You feel you are being bullied by him? THat;s because you are being bullied by him. Addicts are manipulative and dishonest, it's part of the script. A man who is both abusive and an alcoholic is going to be even more manipulative. Tell him you want no contact for the moment. You need space from this dickhead.

LadyLapsang · 31/12/2010 18:44

Well done for deciding not to go back and getting your DS1 back with you.

Difficult to advise what to do regarding telling him. Think my gut feeling would be to try to tell him somehow, but if he will just make you feel guilty and try to get you to go back it might be best if someone else makes the call.

I really don't think it's too much to ask that he moves out, but if he is in denial or just trying to trick you into going back & then movng back in, it will be really up and down. Do you own the marital home or is it rented?

Best wishes for the new year and hoping that this time next year finds you in a better position than now.

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