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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have got into a bit of a tangle with DH and another man and not sure how to get out of it - any advice?

28 replies

jealousguy · 28/12/2010 21:20

Have namechanged for this but am a regular - I also want to stress that I have not been unfaithful at all.

To try and cut a long story short, DH is jealous of a man (I'll call him X) that I work quite closely with - he goes on and on about X all the time, (half-jokingly) accuses me of having an affair with X etc.

DH was obsessed that X would come to my works christmas do even though I told him that X wasn't booked on it so he wouldn't...X did turn up for about an hour as the venue was quite near his house.

When I got home and DH asked me if X had turned up, I am Blush to say that I lied and said no as I couldn't be bothered putting up with all the comments/accusations if I told the truth.

Me and DH have now been invited to a colleague of mine's birthday party in a couple of weeks - the circumstances of it are such that we can actually both go, both drink, have a night in a hotel without the DC (the first one since before DS1 was born over 4 years ago) so I am looking forward to it...however, I just know that DH will quiz my colleagues as to whether X went to the Christmas do (as I say, he is obsessed!!) so what do I do??

Admit that I lied and that X went or have our first night out ruined when DH finds out I have lied and make it look that there is something going on Sad

I feel so stupid now but DH's jealousy really annoys me and I just didn't want to deal with it.

OP posts:
Binfullofgibletsonthe45 · 28/12/2010 21:26

Let him ask, if he confronts you, can't you just shrug it off and say you didn't even notice if he was there, it means that little to you.

Or go on your own, if my partner behaved like that I'd be appalled and wouldn't want him at social gatherings.

Won't X be at this next function then?

Original poster
jealousguy · 28/12/2010 21:34

No, X won't have been invited (different colleague circles iyswim).

DH and I generally have a good relationship but he just seems to have some kind of issue with X - he is not usually jealous, and as I said, this is our first opportunity of a night out together for over 4 years (serious lack of babysitters) so I don't want to go on my own!

OP posts:
TDada · 28/12/2010 21:40

tell your DH now that you lied cos of his paranoia. Discuss it in the context of his paranoia and tell him that it is bad for your relationship ........

FaffTastic · 28/12/2010 21:45

Unless you ask your DH to not grill your colleagues at the party because it will embarrass you and make him look like a neurotic paranoid loon infront on your work colleagues?

TDada · 28/12/2010 21:50

I really think that you should tell the truth and discuss the fundamental problem which is that your husband's paranoid/mistrustful questioning could drive a wedge between the two of you.

Original poster
jealousguy · 28/12/2010 21:53

Tdada you are probably right but I have tried loads of tactics to get him to stop with the accusations - he always says he is only joking and won't do it again and then the very next time when I say I have a meeting with X, he starts up all over again.

I know it sounds bad for DH but we really really do have a good relationship and I do mostly let it wash over me....I just wish I had told the truth in the first place as whatever I do, will just fuel his fears about the situation Confused

OP posts:
TDada · 28/12/2010 21:55

Still think that you should tell him that you are quite sad that he is driving you to telling lies to avoid the issue....best to be straight rather than compound the situation

TDada · 28/12/2010 21:55

Danger is that your DH drives you to fancying the other man?

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 21:58

Its not a great relationship though is it? You are married to a controlling, paranoid jealous person who is making your life hell for happening to have a male colleague.

Why do you allow him to put you in this kind of turmoil? If it wasn't X, it would be someone else. He obviously dosen't trust you. That is a huge issue.

I'd tell him straight and tell him he's got to stop his quite frankly obscene behaviour.

MerryMarigold · 28/12/2010 21:58

Tell him the truth, and tell him WHY you didn't tell him. I got a parking ticket once (on top of a few others) and was tempted not to tell dh. [I know, it's hardly the same, but...]. In the end I told him and said I didn't want to, but wanted to be honest in the end. It was good...he realised that his reactions were forcing me to be dishonest in our relationship. Keep reassuring him that there is NOTHING going on and you don't even fancy the guy or whatever you need to say.

Original poster
jealousguy · 28/12/2010 22:03

Emmy thanks for your advice but I think that is a bit over the top - I know he does trust me and does make the comments in jest although I do accept there is jealousy behind them.

It is really a minor blip in an otherwise healthy good relationship - hardly worth splitting up over!!

Merry thanks for your advice - I know I need to be honest about it - just have to think about how and when to bring it up Hmm (lol, you do know me - in fact you commented on my FB status today Grin)

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 28/12/2010 22:04

Oh gosh, now I am racking my brains! I will be back to FB directly Grin...Good Luck!

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 22:06

He constantly digs at you, accuses you of having an affair with this man and you have posted here asking for advice as you are so worried he is going to kick off at a works do about it as he will quizz colleagues if he really did come at Christmas as he is obsessed.

You think he trusts you and this is normal happy and healthy [ahock] Ok then.....

LittleMissHootsMon · 28/12/2010 22:07

As long as you are in no danger from 'coming clean' with DH, just tell him.

You are going to have to say to him (again) that there IS nothing going on and his jealousy and irrational behaviour is HIS problem.

Tell him that this is not normal, that nobody else has to deal with this. He is being irrational and it will harm your career, which you will not allow.

Tell him to sort himself out, relax and basically pack this crazy stuff in now.

My 'H' has had me like this, but he would torture me verbally for weeks, months, driving me bonkers, and terrorise me. As long as you are not in that category then stand up for yourself. Stop this behaviour now.

KangarooCaught · 28/12/2010 22:07

did you speak to X that evening?

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 22:09

I never said split up either. But a man who will quiz your work colleagues to try and catch you out, does not trust you at all, which is a big issue.

Can't see how you can say it's a minor blip when you can't even take him out to a works do without the fear of him going all obsessive on you....not my idea of happy, each to their own.

MerryMarigold · 28/12/2010 22:09

I've figured you out, missy! Do you know why dh has such a 'thing' about this guy? Is he really good looking?

I think you just need to remember 'boundaries'. You be honest and the rest is his problem to deal with. He can't make it your problem because it isn't - he is jealous of this guy for some reason, and that really is his issue to deal with.

Original poster
jealousguy · 28/12/2010 22:09

Kangaroo yes I did - he sat down at my table for about 5-10 minutes. I have known him for quite a few years now and do work quite closely with him so it would have been odd if I hadn't spoken to him tbh.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 28/12/2010 22:17

I wouldn't take my DH to birthday party due to his embarrassing behaviour of quizzing people about whether or not some random bloke attended another party about a month ago.

Your DH needs to get a grip.

thenightsky · 28/12/2010 22:17

your DH, not mine, obv.

NotEnoughTime · 28/12/2010 22:28

I do feel for you OP as I can understand why you lied as my husband sounds similar to yours. (Im not saying that it was ok that you lied just that I can understand why you did Smile).

Maybe showing him this thread might help the situation?

tadpoles · 28/12/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

defineme · 28/12/2010 22:34

based on the info the op has given I'm with emmylou

emmyloulou · 28/12/2010 22:35

Last time I checked it was a public forum Tadpoles, and I don't think much of you so won't take your advice on board.

Thanks though x

Kristingle · 28/12/2010 22:41

sorry but i agree that your Dh has issues and needs to stop his this behaviour or get some help to do so

you cant fix this for him, its HIS problem

and sorry but if he does trust you, why is this even a problem?