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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's best friend

27 replies

Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 10:31

I haven't been on for a while but have name changed for this, for obvious reasons. Just need to talk to someone about it really because keeping it secret is actually eating me up right now!

I met my DH's best friend before I met my DH when they were both living in London and far away from me but visiting for christmas. They have been friends since childhood and are really, really close. One night before I knew DH his friend and I spent some time together and it was clear we were really attracted to each other but nothing happened because I had just split up with my boyfriend. He went home and back down to London and I met DH.

All was forgotten until our wedding where DH's friend was actually the best man. He made his speech and spoke about that night when I invited him in for coffee and he was disappointed to actually be given coffee!

Since then whenever I have seen him, which is not that often, he has really flirted with me. Last night when DH was getting a beer he was talking about that night and saying "maybe in another life" I was also pretty aware that he was looking at me and he kept commenting about my cowboy boots being sexy and how he liked girls who wore cowboy boots. A lot of stuff in front of DH including at one point asking him how he felt about all of his friends having "had a thing" with his wife.

Another of DH's friends who I had befriended before I met him had got quite close to me and I had had to distance myself from him because he had started to have feelings for me. DH didn't really appreciate the last comment. I protested that it wasn't my fault his friend couldn't understand I only wanted to be friends and I had stopped speaking to him and that nothing had happened at all between him and me...

But here's the thing... I can't stop thinking about it, I like him. It is ridiculous and last time he came up I felt funny like this and then I just ignored it and forgot pretty quickly. I know the appropriate thing is to just distance myself but I like the little flirtation - gah.... Please keep me sensible.

OP posts:
FlightoftheCrimbleTree · 28/12/2010 10:35

This would really hurt your husband if he knew.
I think you have to stop fantasising about this bloke - where is his respect for your marriage? (and where is yours!)

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/12/2010 10:37

You had your chance with the other bloke so it is tough really. If you don't want to be with you husband any more, tell him but don't mess about behind his back.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 28/12/2010 10:40

He is not much of a friend to your DH if he is trying to get off with his wife is he?

Distance yourself and consider telling your DH what is happening. He would be quite justified in ending the friendship over this.

Just DON'T think you can have "a bit of fun" and get away without massive hurt to everyone concerned. Speaking from experience here.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/12/2010 10:41

He's making it clear he finds you attractive and you once found him attractive so not totally surprising you might again. The fact is that he is playing a game, he's is prepared to say things in front of your dh. You need to tell him to stop going on about it. It's very disrespectful IMO.

jonicomelately · 28/12/2010 10:45

You gave him coffee when you could've given him a damn sight more Smile

You were never into him when you were single.

You are not interested in him now. You are flattered and intrigued. He is only on your rader because he is forbidden fruit.

Steer clear Smile

Tortington · 28/12/2010 10:50

its nice isn't it? the fantasy, the flirtation, the dream, the butterflies int eh stomach...

the reality is this, if you slept with him, you would ruin your family, if you won your hme, you might have to sell it, you would certainly have to move if you got divorced. you would crush your dh and you would make things complicated for the children

then if you got together with this man you would find out that his farts smell, he doesn't use a toilet brush, he leaves his worn smelly socks ont he floor where he takes them off and he has skiddies in his underpants.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2010 10:51

its the attention - you had a chance with him and didnt, and you never even thought about him till he made that joke at yr reception and what a bad joke too!! Hmm

it sounds like you are recently married and its your hubby i feel sorry for tbh

stay clear from this man!!!

jonicomelately · 28/12/2010 10:52

'radar' not rader.

SheWillBeLoved · 28/12/2010 10:55

He's definitely no friend, not to your DH, not to you, and not to your marriage. He sounds like a selfish, arrogant arse. Pack it in. It won't end well at all.

Pancakeflipper · 28/12/2010 10:59

I think he's playing games.. He's a player. I bet he doesn't pine for you. He probably has several people to flirt with. He may like his ego boosted, he may like flirting. He may like the cosy domestic image you and your DH portray. He maybe jealous. But I think he's got a sly streak.

I think he likes the idea of you but if anything occured it would be an utter disaster and not the pair of skipping into a romantic sunset.

Some people like to flirt with what they cannot have because although it's wrong - it's safe most of the time.

But he's overstepping the line. To not waste your time thinking about him. Invest your time into your DH. Ignore this friend - he's being immature.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 28/12/2010 11:01

I think you could easily shut him up by saying " God, it is so long ago, I am surprised you even remember. Coffee was all I was prepared to give you back then."

Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:01

Yeah, I don't think he would end the relationship with his mate. They have been best friends for so long and the way his mate is with me doesn't happen secretly and doesn't normally bother him. I don't spend time alone with his mate, sometimes he comes over to the house when he visits from London. He says stuff in front of DH who wasn't bothered until he got a little upset by the last comment. DH generally is not given to jealousy and knows how committed to our marriage I am.

Nothing has happened, the only bit that is secret is that I enjoyed the flirtation which I can't really help since that is just my feelings. I was thinking it would be better to ignore the whole thing and let DH decide how he felt about the way his mate is with me. I don't think it has ever bothered him before. I was thinking the absolute worst thing would be to start making a big deal about being offended when I am actually not because I'm not good at lying! I have been just publicly pretending it isn't happening and getting embarrassed when he says stuff.

Since we have no reason to speak without DH around I'm not sure it is necessary for me to tell him off and risk acknowledging the attraction which might just encourage him if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 28/12/2010 11:06

His actions are already starting to chip away at your DH. Trust me, there is only so much you can take, jealous or not.

How would you feel if one of your best friends flirted with your DH so obviously, and he liked it?

hobbgoblin · 28/12/2010 11:19

You spent quite a bit of your post telling us about the lead up and how he liked you and you liked him. Do you want validation of a possible relationship chance with him? Is that what you want? The odds of it working if you gave up DH for him? Only you know that and only you know what you want.

You could have posted asking us how to get rid of unwanted attention but you didn't, you gave us a synopsis of this man's 'affections' for you. But why?

He had his chance to have you, you had your chance to choose him. Leave if you made the wrong choice. I doubt the other man feels the same and I doubt you really do too. But, like I say, leave if you think it's worth it. Maybe you'd prefer to be with a man who has little respect for your happiness or for the promises made in marriage.

blinder · 28/12/2010 11:23

I may get flamed for this but I wonder if a bit of jokey flirtation is that much to worry about. You seem to be getting a thrill out of the illicitness of it, which is not the same as saying you will risk your family.

The more you try NOT to think of something, the worse it gets. Can't you just accept that there is an element of attraction between you, which he jokes about, and then get on with your life.

You are probably making far too much out of it tbh.

Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:30

One of DH's friends flirts with him. He was in love with her for years but she didn't want him. He likes spending time with her and doesnt tell me when she comes to the pub with him and his friends. Honestly how I feel about that is that he clearly wants to have a little bit of secret flirting and it doesn't really bother me. It would if I was there but I know it isn't anymore than flirting/fantasy so if he wants to do it that is up to him - it isn't particularly important.

We have been married nearly two years. I am not doing or have any intention of doing anything to encourage it in any way... Hence the ignoring. I suppose the reason it confused me was that at the time when I first met his mate I liked him quite a lot but thought he didn't like me so I had just forgotten about it and moved on and then when he pretty much said he had liked me it made me think that night had been a missed opportunity which was fairly confusing but not real in any way.

In reality had I never met DH there is no way I'd want any kind of serious relationship with DH's mate - he isn't the kind of person I'd want a relationship with. It is just feelings that are irrational and that I'm struggling with. Probably next time he comes over I will just leave them to it and avoid the whole thing!

OP posts:
TDada · 28/12/2010 11:33

Blinder has a point....you are undestandably flattered/thrilled by the flirtation......just leave it at that. You are obviously attractive so even if you left your DH and married his best friend this would happen again. Learn to live and enjoy being attractive- not a bad thing but you will feel even better when you are able to commit and stay committed at the same time as enjoying falttery.

Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:35

Yeah it is more what blinder said. I can't just pretend I don't like it when I do but it isn't at all that I would want to act on any of the feelings and talking about it and making a big deal about feels a little unecessary but I did just want somewhere to let it all out...

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:38

But shewillbeloved also has a good point about it chipping away... It did bother him last night and it bothered me at our wedding.

OP posts:
blinder · 28/12/2010 11:39

Send him round to me. I could do with a bit of flattery myself Wink.

blinder · 28/12/2010 11:41

I think the point where it becomes uncomfortable is the point where you have to protect your dh by coldly ignoring the comment. If he friendship is to carry on, the friend must have some sort of boundary established by you. Flattery, fine. Suggestions verging on the serious, not on.

Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:42

I'm not particularly attractive!!! Ha ha!!! But thanks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousnamechange · 28/12/2010 11:49

Blinder - yes good advice. To be honest I did tell him off about that comment that upset DH. Maybe I do need to talk to DH about it and find out how he really feels about it. Perhaps it is better for DH to tell him off and me to just ignore it? DH isn't really given to telling off though!!

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 28/12/2010 11:56

Just one thing. he didn't like you enough then, or you him to risk making feelings known. People who really like each other tend to make it clear so as not to let one they like get away. Like you, but not enough. He let you go.

TDada · 28/12/2010 12:58

Curious- you are attractive to your DH and atleast 2 others. Don't talk yourself down. This way you might be less surprised when others join the queue?

Probably a good idea to talk to your DH ...just mention that the friend likes to flirt but that you are happy with what you have. No need to make too big a deal of this IMO....not unless it is causing your DH discomfort. Enjoy it; part of what makes life interesting.