8 months on, still such a mess - all down to me

[howdiditcometothis]

It has been a long time since I've been here. I posted at various times throughout the emotional connection, emotional affair and ultimately adultery that I committed.

Since then I've been in counselling (as many people here advocated) and started to address (if not yet understand) the truth of what I have done. I've lost self respect and self esteem and I don't know why I am poosting this other than as a warning to others who find themselves in a situation where they are in danger of treading this path.

I now recognise that I was seeking an escape from an unhappy domestic situation and a husband who was in a prolonged anxious/'down' period and in the same way as many a depressive was unable to see anybody else, consumed as he was in a spiral of negativity. This isn't an excuse for my behaviour - not at all. I just now get why I was vulnerable to an emotional affair. I felt extremely let down for reasons detailed on my previous threads and ended up out of the home working many hours in a tough environment to keep the family afloat.

In a very unfortunate twist of fate the OM was an amazing man who clicked with me on an intellectual, physical, chemical level. The liaison has been disastrous for all concerned. I don't know if I will get over it. I love him deeply on an instinctive level yet can never ever be with him and can never see him again.

It was never a tawdry sexual relationship although we did sleep together once. In the weeks following that - I fell into a black hole. I was so revulsed, disgusted and ashamed. He was so hurt that I ended up feeling that way and vowed to never touch me again - which he stuck to. He thinks we can maintain a friendship and I know we cannot. I have wiped (finally) all trace of him, blocked his numbers, deleted every email, thrown away the books, songs everything.

I saw my GP after a few months of counselling as the counsellor thought I was depressed and sure enough, I've now seen a consultant psychiatrist and she agreed.

My husband still does not know that I slept with him. He knows I was emotionally involved with him. It has hurt him. For all the problems we had, I should never have betrayed him like I have. It feels like our marriage will never survive, much as we try.

This is such a dark time and all of my own making. I don't even know why I'm here typing it out. Part of me hopes to be utterly flamed. Face up to it. At the moment, it feels like a tumour. My heart is heavy and try as I might I can't seem to stop the aching of missing OM - despite in many ways hating him.

Do you think that the fact that you carry the knowledge that you slept with the OM from your DH one of the reasons your mind is so unsettled?

Sometimes the simplest of things can be very destructive. Have you thought of coming clean about the extent of the relationship?

What you describe was/is a deeply powerful connection. I'm guessing its something not everyone experiences in a lifetime, and when you do, and circumstances mean there is nowhere that the connection can 'go' (ie one or both people married/unavailable) then its inevitable that the fall out is going to be massive.

I don't remember any of your previous posts, but what strikes me here is how much insight you show. You understand what brought you to this point, you know its caused hurt, and you truly want to move on from it.

I think its going to take a while, there is no quick fix, but I am sure you are doing the right thing by cutting all connections, rather than keeping in touch and possibly hoping there is some way you could remain as friends. I really think when the chemistry has been so consuming, it's all or nothing - to try to pretend you could develop it into a friendship is unrealistic.

I'm sure continued counselling will help, and you WILL get through this and one day look back and remember it as an experience you learned from, rather than just a totally negative one.

howdiditcometothis, why did you not leave your H for OM? I ask as someone whose H is going through a similar thing getting over (or trying to) his OW and back into our marriage :(

You need to tell your husband the truth.

Sorry that you are feeling so bad. Can I just ask though do you still love your husband is that why you haven't left or is it out of a sense of duty or something? It sounds a bit confusing tbh.

I dont think you will ever be able to let go of this and move on until your husband knows everything.It is then that you will be able to put this behind you,whether it be with your husband or alone

good luck and sorry you are feeling so low about things

Howdiditcometothis, your post makes me want to cry. I am in an almost identical situation. And it is only really now, during a two-week break in which we can't communicate with each other, that the full reality is starting to dawn on me.

How have you managed to keep up the cutting of contact?
Has the counselling helped, do you think?

I dont think its relevant whether you tell hubby full extent of what's happened. The emotional bit os 99% of it. Forcing the cut with OM is the right move. Hard as it is, the only focus can be on reconnecting with DH - give it a timeframe and tell him what you need to change. There needs to be give and take on both sides, and if he cant give a bit then it will never work.
Sounds clinical I know, but it's what's working for me.

Howdi - I remember you well, and I am sorry to hear that you are so low. I really hope the counselling takes your through the black tunnel and out the other side.

Of course you know the effect of telling your DH everything better than any of us. If it was up to me, I wouldn't tell. Is it really going to help to try to explain how you had arrived at that point? I know your EA was not easily arrived at, that you were at a very low point in your marriage, that you probably clung to your OM like a survival instinct because your marriage was frankly terrible. And also, I think it was all a deeply personal and private decision for you (even though it had consequences for everyone else.) I really don't think you have to go public on how you did what you did. I think there are things we just have to live with ourselves.

However, now having to get on with your marriage, you need to recognise that a fix will not be instant. It will take months for you and your husband to improve things and embed the improvements. In the meantime just be kind and accept his kindness too and in time hopefully things will feel a lot better.

Sorry for diappearing there.

Quite a few questions:

I suspect that the relief of telling him about it would be huge in some ways but in another I don't now if my husband would be glad I unburdened myself in that way. After all - it would hurt him even more.

Violethill - I have tried many times to cut contact which is why I am here 8 months into this increasingly messy situation. Previously I was working on willpower alone and allowing him into my thoughts and responding to him after an initial period of detatching myself. This time I have deleted absolutely everything, binned everything. It hurt me to do that. He is an amazing writer and it felt really wrong to erase his words but they are gone - I can't look at them at a low ebb and go back to the time he describes.

Robberbutton - I'm so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time. I'll be honest - there are times I've dreamed of taking upa life with OM but the thing that stops me is the fact that although things have become very bad in our relationship, me and DH had an amazing connection inn the beginning, I was mad about him and vice versa and it was love. We have grown in different ways and that kills me but ultimately I hope that we are able to work through it and find each other again and the thing that made us strong in the first place. I think DH is a wonderful person in so many ways - on a practical level things have been difficult and I have felt very alone in taking any adult responsibility in the relationship for a long long time - resentment and anger have bulit up. Having said that I trust him and I want to try and work through this. I guess that is what love is about seeing each other through the horrible tough times. That may seem hypocritical in the extreme but I guess I would feel much momre able to look at myself in the mirror to fight for the marriage than to bin it and start again with somebody else. I always thought I was cut out for that and I hope to find that person in me again. I often look at DH and think how attractive he is etc etc. I have no idea of th details of your situation - but you have to remember - he married you. He made that massive commitment to you - he chose you and he continues to choose you. It sounds as though he has messed up massively but the fact he contninues to choose you is a testament to the love he feels for you. I ran away from WWIFN's advice on a previous thread (coudln't deal with it at that time) but she talks so so much sense and she would say to you that it is not about you - it is your DH's shortcomings at play. Just as I have to face up to the fact that I have ruined my marriage by not giving enough to it.

In terms of cutting contact - so far (one week) yes and I am determined. I am seeing my counsellor weekly and she gives me the outlet I need to stop me from reaching out to him. Other than that I would say that the counselling doesn't solve things. The space to put some things into words and think and an outlet - it won't fix things though - that has to come from me.

Howdi I was where you are and am moving slowly forward. I couldn't give up my OM by will power alone. I was stuck and kept relapsing. In the end I told DH and he gave me an ultimatum to stop contacting OM or our marriage was over. Then he went to see OM and burst the affair bubble and OM fell apart and started counselling for his problems.

I haven't seen him for 18 months or heard from him for a year. I have been to a therapist for 18 months and have moved out of the family home to carry on working on myself alone.

I am aware that I needed to change significantly and have made progress but I still don't see a future with my DH. I am still resentful and angry with him about what went wrong and accept my affair was in part me punishing my DH.

I genuinely loved OM but accept that his choice is to stay with his wife. The best thing I can do for him is leave him alone.

I am ashamed and sad about what has happened but I wouldn't avoid this pain. It has been a terrible wonderful time and I am still learning about myself and my flaws. I have no idea how things will turn out but I am a whole person again, honest and in touch with my feelings. I wish DH hadnt had to suffer so much for me to reach this point.

Keep plodding along but be kind to yourself, you are a good person who made some bad choices. That is human!

evening howdiditcometothis. I have skimmed over some of your other threads, so may have missed a few important details, however, I get a sense that there has been a huge amount of soul searching on your part which is almost paraylising you.

There is something to be said for paraylsis through analysis.

I want to ask you just one question; with whom do you want to be with?

NoNamesNoPackDrill - sorry to hear that it continues to be hard going and believe me I know where you are coming from with the 'terrible wonderful time'. If the connection had not been so significant I would not be in this mess. I had never experienced the feeling that somebody can see right into you and understand you, cry with you laugh with you, and make you feel that just being you is enough - more than enough.

What you say about being a whole person resonates with what OM has said about the unravelling of his marriage and talking openly about things. I had only known him just over a month when things came to a head. He moved out and set up a home to co-parent his children in the summer. He spoke openly to his friends and family at the time about finding comfort outside the marriage and knowing it was wrong and his deep regret at allowing that to happen when he had realised for years that the marriage was dying. He accepts he was 'acting out'. All he wants now is to be in touch with his feelings so that he can avoid anything similar happening in his life in the future.

His life has changed dramatically over these months. There has been a brutal honesty about it all in his life. I am paralysed. Merryxmaswidow is right. I wanted to understand what I felt before I acted. I want to be with the father of my DD yet I love someone else. So it isn't a question of 'want' or not as I see it.

All I'll say is that it gets better with time.

Been there etc.

Deal with your depression and rebuilding you.

My marriage has got stronger 2 and a bit years down the line (and I came clean about the one time sex bit).

Dh sometimes brings it up and we deal with it,honestly and openly.It's his perogative and I have to deal with the shame of my actions.I was so wrapped up in me (me,meme),I lost sight of anything else-depression can do that.

If I had my time again I would of sought out counselling for my self esteem before embarking on a mainly emotional affair.

Carry on with your counselling,it will help dramatically.

How, I stayed with my H even though there was abuse and later DV. I was desperately unhappy. There was always OM, I never slept with him but the EA began almost 24 years ago before I was even married. OM was not avaliable.

OM's marriage was over and I became widowed.

Finally we are together. I have never been happier. My love for him has got stronger over the years, there were times when there was no contact; but I used to think that if I was on my deathbed, I would ask for him.

I stayed with H because I was scared of what he might do if I left ( he could have taken DCs abroard ); then I was released by default. If H hadn't been so scary, I wouldn't have prolonged it, even if I couldn't have been with OM.

I don't want to rock your boat anymore, but you have to simply be honest with yourself first

Sorry How, I don't feel I'm being at all helpful here

merryxmaswidow - I have kept thinking about your message but it goes against the grain of where I am trying to get to.

The thought that this sort of connection could last and last makes me feel so churned up. OM has always always maintained that what will be will be, life is long etc and I think he believes that at some point we will find each other if circumstances change. I have mixed feelings about that because something in me secretly hopes for that but even thinnking those thoughts is not giving my marriage the chance it needs.

Very soon after meeting him I had dreams of the two of us old and together. He has said the same. At one point when I pushed him away completely for a time and really believed that was that, I felt like I needed to put something in my will to let him know if something happened. I worried something would happen to him and I wouldn't know. The deathbed thing resonates too. I gave him a piece of jewellery I was left by my aunt (not worth much but massively sentimental and precious to me). No idea why but I really wanted him to have it.

Life is such a mystery sometimes. I don't want these massive feelings. I don't feel able to cope with them. I just want to numb them and be normal.

Evening How; I always felt that if I was with the right person no other man could come between us: for me it wasn't my H and I gave up denying the connection I have with OM, all I've ever wanted is for him to be content wherever he is.

Looking back my relationship with H was worse than I thought when I was in it; now being with OM has brought me to this realisation.

Again, I'm sorry I'm not being helpful here but upthread you did say you have ruined your marriage- nothing occurs in isolation and you cannot shoulder all responsibility for your marriage, its two people 'working' together in any relationship

Every time I hit rock bottom and there is nobody to talk to I find myself on mumsnet begging for comfort/help/advice. I can't move beyond this at all. There has been no significant contact for months. The only very brief contact has been along the lines of 'keep going, it's the right thing to do, get yourself straight". My heart aches all the time for what has happened. I look at my husband and daughter and can't believe how I've betrayed them. I can't look myself in the eye. And on top of all that I can't get rid of him from my thoughts. The only thing I can liken it to is a bereavement yet I'm still waiting for the acceptance to hit me and for the despair to lift. And all the time this is making me a horrible person to be around. It feels like all the life has been sucked out of me. I'm in the midst of a health scare - I'm convinced its karma. There are lumps on and in one of my ovaries. And there is something in me that thinks if it turns out to be sinister I deserve it.

HowdidI - do you think that one of the problems is that you believe your relationship with your H and dd is no longer perfect, albeit as a result of your actions, and therefore less desirable? I think that you may have rose tinted glasses on regarding how the relationship with the OM would pan out.

Currently, your home life is difficult and filled with guilt and remorse, whereas you probably think that life with the OM would be a clean start (but it wouldn't - you'd still have to see your H often and your dd's life would be complicated, she might resent the OM etc etc). At the moment I think you may be grieving for something that can never be...

abdelia - you're probably right. Not that it's less desirable but that I've broken it forever and it can't be fixed. I can't bring myself to be intimate at all with my husband. Which in itself has become a big issue in our relationship. It really is not fair on him at all but there is a mental block I can't get beyond. Guilt probably. I had a very Catholic upbringing and cannot believe what I've done.

Yes and no to the rose tinted glasses. I can definitely see all of the conflict and angst it would bring but there is that idea of finding peace in myself that he seemed to bring out in me. But I have put the behind me as anything that is remotely possible and I am trying to accept that it is beyond the pale and I feel I'm getting there with that. Sometimes though I wake up in the night and can't sleep for thinking about whether I'm doing the right thing.

I don't want to hurt anybody else any more than I already have done.

I kind of understand what you are saying. Going through something kind of similar, although not physical and it didn't end so long ago.
I started seeing a counsellor last week and she told me how to deal with my sleep issues. That I have to imagine myself in a safe place. She suggested areas of my house/garden but all I can think about then is texts I sent and received from OM whilst gardening/ironing/ cooking etc. I had to think of somewhere that would calm me and had no bad associations. I also had to imagine putting all my feelings for OM in a box and storing that somewhere. The first time I tried it
(sceptically) it worked!!! And I had the first full nights sleep for months. Might be worth trying? I am finding things easier to deal with when I've had enough sleep. I also was told to be nice to myself, to eat what I wanted, stop feeling responsible for everything in life. Maybe all things you could consider too?

Do you think you would find peace, or was it simply that you hadn't had a chance to see his bad side after the honeymoon phase before it was all declared over? After all, I am sure every time you saw him you weren't wrangling a child / washing the socks or doing all the day to day stuff - it was love in a bubble. I am partly playing devils advocate but can't help thinking that if he was so caring and had your best interests at heart then he would respect your decision to mend your marriage rather than trying to hang around in the wings and not letting you have peace at all.

I empathise completely, I had an ea with a colleague 4 months ago. As a result we both left our partners and tried to start a proper relationship. It lasted about 6 weeks mainly due to the immense stress we were under from the fallout of our previous relationships. The connection is still there, I can't stop thinking about him and we are trying to remain friends which is so hard but I keep telling myself its better than nothing. Now trying to sort out my feelings for my ex at the same time - you're not the only one who is in such a mess.

omg - I saw a counsellor for a while but work and domestic arrangements got in the way in the end. I didn't talk about the sleep thing at all - but I'll give the locking it up in a box thing a try. My counsellor was a lovely lady and very educated and knew her stuff but she said in the end that at times she felt that the professional boundary was getting a bit blurred and she found that she wanted to 'save' me. Around christms was a period of crisis where the relationship with DH descended into a mess of depression (his) and a few acts of violence. Nothing extreme but enough to frighten me. Borne out of him being at his wits end and not out of anything malicious or evil in any way. But she was starting to talk about having to register her concerns with her mentor about the saftey of me and my little DD and it just all got too much for me.

abedelia - the question of whether I would have found peace troubles me all of the time. I've never felt so very calm and at peace in anybody else's prescence before. Strange. But you are absolutely right - it was love in a bubble. I often challenged it on that basis, challenged the novelty, the 'connection'. I have no doubt at all had I had the courage of my conviction and taken that step there would have been massive trauma and fall out. It is academic now anyway. It really is done. The last contact we had was clear. I had nothing whatsoever to offer him and he should move on from it all. He said he'd tried to stay in the background to let me come to my own conclusions but knew that was that and I should keep going and try and find happiness at home. He reckons that he got the message through the longish periods of no contact and knew it wasn't going to happen. He has been renting for the last 11 months or so and thinking about buying again. He'd intimated that he didn't want to commit to anything until he had a feel for how the next few years would pan out. I'm sorry - this has just turned into some sort of cathartic wine fuelled rant.

hurryup - am so sorry. Dreadful thing to try and deal with. It's so hard not knowing your own mind or what the feelings mean. I hope you get straightened out.