8 months on, still such a mess - all down to me

[howdiditcometothis]

It has been a long time since I've been here. I posted at various times throughout the emotional connection, emotional affair and ultimately adultery that I committed.

Since then I've been in counselling (as many people here advocated) and started to address (if not yet understand) the truth of what I have done. I've lost self respect and self esteem and I don't know why I am poosting this other than as a warning to others who find themselves in a situation where they are in danger of treading this path.

I now recognise that I was seeking an escape from an unhappy domestic situation and a husband who was in a prolonged anxious/'down' period and in the same way as many a depressive was unable to see anybody else, consumed as he was in a spiral of negativity. This isn't an excuse for my behaviour - not at all. I just now get why I was vulnerable to an emotional affair. I felt extremely let down for reasons detailed on my previous threads and ended up out of the home working many hours in a tough environment to keep the family afloat.

In a very unfortunate twist of fate the OM was an amazing man who clicked with me on an intellectual, physical, chemical level. The liaison has been disastrous for all concerned. I don't know if I will get over it. I love him deeply on an instinctive level yet can never ever be with him and can never see him again.

It was never a tawdry sexual relationship although we did sleep together once. In the weeks following that - I fell into a black hole. I was so revulsed, disgusted and ashamed. He was so hurt that I ended up feeling that way and vowed to never touch me again - which he stuck to. He thinks we can maintain a friendship and I know we cannot. I have wiped (finally) all trace of him, blocked his numbers, deleted every email, thrown away the books, songs everything.

I saw my GP after a few months of counselling as the counsellor thought I was depressed and sure enough, I've now seen a consultant psychiatrist and she agreed.

My husband still does not know that I slept with him. He knows I was emotionally involved with him. It has hurt him. For all the problems we had, I should never have betrayed him like I have. It feels like our marriage will never survive, much as we try.

This is such a dark time and all of my own making. I don't even know why I'm here typing it out. Part of me hopes to be utterly flamed. Face up to it. At the moment, it feels like a tumour. My heart is heavy and try as I might I can't seem to stop the aching of missing OM - despite in many ways hating him.

Howdid - you sum it up so well when you say that you can't stop the aching of missing him, despite hating him in so many ways. My Gp has put me on anti-depressants, I'm not depressed I just think I have lost the love of my life and if our timing had been better we would have had the most amazing time together. He seems sure it isn't going to work however and continues to confuse me with emails that I'm not sure what he's getting at. I feel the need to keep asking him whether he thinks it will work in the future, what went wrong, how does he feel now and have his feelings changed etc. Just need to let go I guess but its so hard, especially as all of the talk of intense love came from him. I find it incredible that you've coped for 8 months.

When I do the box thing I literally imagine putting his picture and great piles of printed out emails into a big red box. No idea why red! I imagine it has those kind of clips round it like some Tupperware ones have. So I clip it all round then I carry it through an imaginary storeroom which is vast. And right at the back is a little tiny dark room that's all cobwebby and damp and I put the box in there. Lock the door behind me and walk away. Lots of detail there but it works for me and I think you have to really imagine it. It worked fab the first night although then he sent me an email the next day out of the blue that totally threw me but everytime he pops into my head I pop him back into his box!!! Works for me :) Sorry it didn't work out with your counsellor :(

I had an ea 18 years ago while I was still with my violent ex. I felt the same way about him as you do about your OM. He eventually ended it. I was heartbroken. However, there were various 'incidents' which occurred after that time which I bitterly regret now. I would greedily take whatever scrap he offered me at the time because he consumed me. It took a long time to move on. I eventually left my abusive partner, met my now dh and fell deeply in love, in a way I'd never felt possible. OM did try to stir things up between us for a while, even though he didn't want to be with me really. I stopped all contact completely at that stage. He found me at my new place of work and contacted me at various times over a few years to 'test the ground'.

As time went on I realised that our 'relationship', while it made me strong and gave me confidence in one sense, was ultimately a very selfish one and potentially hugely destructive. I can look back and see that it was a mess and was never going to be right for me. I'm glad he ended it, although I was devastated at the time. I am the only one that suffered in our situation. The thought of even seeing him now turns my stomach.

Oh god.

hurryup - the timing thing resonates so much with me. I often feel like not sparking that revolution in my life and putting my money where my mouth is will be a big regret down the line. If we'd met when we were single etc etc - you could kill yourself with that sort of thinking. The truth is the timing was awful and the fact that the the timing was awful was part of the attraction? Who knows?

omg - the detail is good. Thank you. I'm usually the sceptical one but I'll definitely give it a try.

Lazarusb _ i am and have been consumed by this. It will certainly take a long time to move on. I don't think OM will do anything to hurt me. He has backed away completely though which hurts like fuck. He says he gave it a year after he moved out to see whether I would split with DH. I agree absolutely that he should have fucked me off ages ago. I'm a mess.

I'm sure you're not a mess don't be so hard on yourself. What would happen if you contacted him?

I'm so sorry you sound so despairing, sad and hopeless. I know this isn't what you have been aiming so hard for but....would the world really end if your marriage didn't work out? Do you not deserve to be happy? Is staying married an absolutely more important goal than being happy and at peace with a partner you truly love?

I'm sorry if this is unhelpful. I am the child of divorced parents - my dad left my mum after an affair and I thought it was so, so bad of him as a child. But as an adult I recognise his right to try to be happy, to make mistakes, to be human.

Having made mistakes doesn't mean you must now give up any right to be happy.

hurryup - Contacting him would just be a step backwards. I know what would happen - he would be respectful, we'd walk and talk, he'd encourage me to keep DD at the front of everything. There would be a bit of sadness but at some point the relief of chatting and being together again would get us smiling. We'd agree that life can be so f**d up. We'd catch up on work stuff, the kids, what he thinks about the stack of books I gave him he's working through, normal things. He'd give me a massive hug and a kiss on the forehead. He'd tell me he's always there but that he won't be in touch unless I contact him. I'd get in my car drive away and pull over shortly afterwards to break my heart with crying.

I just wish I could have him in my life in a capacity as a friend. If we could maintain an above board friendship that was out in the open. It seems such a waste to have such a bond with somebody and to have to deny it.

kitsilano - thanks for your message. I couldn't bear my little girl to hate me for ruining her life. If I was childless there would be no question. Even if in adulthood she was able to rationalise it and understand that we are all fallible, I couldn't bear her to grow up hating me. I am so so worried about my relationship with her because I work FT as it is (that's a whole other story - DH isn't working, it is a needs must situation but I have been missing and continue to miss out on so much time with her - it is an absolute killer).

Children need happy parents, why would she hate you? She'd still have 2 parents, just eventually they'd be happier.

I hope I didn't infer that he should have fucked you off years ago. I just meant that OM popping back now and again to try and 'entice' me back was very difficult and stirred up a lot of unwanted emotions. The difference with you and I is that I was with a man I truly loved when OM came back (in fact I was married and 6m pg at one time and he still wanted me to leave DH!? ). However, if I'd still been with my ex I dare say I would have given up everything for OM. I have a feeling, in my case, that would have been a total disaster in the end.

No no you idn't infer anything, That's just what I think about things. I also worry that I am the unhelpful, toxic even, person that can't let go. He is moving on. I know I need to let him do that and meet somebody without all my messy baggage. Somebody free to love him properly. Perhaps I'm the one that keeps popping up just as he is getting into a better headspace striiring things up, asking for his friendship when I have nothing to offer him. I couldn't bear him to look back and hate me.

I'm sorry. This is really messed up and says so much about your state of mind and self esteem.

So you are only staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy, suffering severe depression, living with the belief that you could have lived with and loved your soul mate because your daughter will grow up hating you and you will "ruin her life" if you follow your heart? Even after all the angst and effort to make your marriage work, you are BAD and will ruin everything if you do what makes you happy?

I really can't believe that any of the counseling you have had would support this view of the world.

A few things to think about:

• you aren't actually required to sacrifice your soul for other people's happiness
• even if you carry on doing what you are doing you might still not be able to make your dd and husband happy - it might not be in your power. Looks like YOU will be unhappy though.
• your daughter might grow up feeling responsible for your unhappiness - you only stayed for her. THAT could sure ruin her life.
• she might grow up feeling your ruined her life for a myriad of other reasons - kids do...how ironic would that be
• she is likely to grow up very affected by living with a mother suffering from unhappiness and depression. This will massively impact her view of the world.

If you don't actually want to leave your husband and your daughter's happiness gives you a hook to stay and a source of hope for the future - fine. But if you genuinely believe that this man is the love of your life and the only reason you are staying in your marriage is because of how your daughter MIGHT feel then you are making a big mistake. It's misguided and is too much to put on a child.

I feel SO sorry for you but I want to shake you.

And remember I am a child who has been through this.

Howdi - I am so sorry that you are still struggling with this situation almost a year after you first posted. You have had all sorts of advice from people who have been in similar situations to yours, and here you are, a year down the line and no further forwards. Way back on your first thread SGB talked about inertia relationships and that's what yours seems to have become.

FGS, Howdi, this is no way to live! You are still a young woman - do you really still want to be married to DH in 30, 40, 50 years time? What the hell will it take for you to accept that there were problems in your marriage before OM came along? Your counsellor has been concerned about your safety and that of DD, and you're still with your DH
When are you going to start taking some positive action to end your relationship with DH?

You've mentioned your Catholic guilt a few times on your threads - something I totally understand from my own upbringing. This guilt, Catholic or not, is crippling you; it's preventing you from seeing what has been so blindingly obvious to practically everyone who has posted on your various threads. You are martyring yourself on the altar of an unhappy marriage because you feel that you don't deserve to be happy because of your 'fall from grace'. You mentioned your health scare - I hope you don't truly believe that it's karma that this has happened (although I understand exactly while you think that - when a dear family member of mine was diagnosed with a serious illness about a year after my affair ended I immediately thought it was a punishment for what I had done.)

Seriously Howdi you can't go on like this. Yes, you need to take your fair shame of responsibilty for the breakdown in your relationship, but it's not all your fault. Yes, life will be very different if you split up and major changes will need to be made in terms of the practicalities of work/life balance and looking after DD. But you will then be free to pursue, or not, a relationship with OM. There are no guarantees that a relationship with OM would work, but that's the risk we all take when we enter into any relationship.

Please do something to make some changes in your current situation.

What if it could work with OM? What if it could make you happy? I know that probably doesn't help things but I know this ... if the OM in my situation wasn't a lying twat and was single then the way I felt about him would have been enough for me to leave my DH and try things with him. And whilst I don't have catholic guilt I have major issues from my childhood that meant I always swore I would never risk my DC growing up with a man who wasn't their father. But the connection i had with him was such that I think I could have been far happier with him than i had ever been before in my life.
Like I say that's probably no help but you only have one child and she deserves a happy mum. You deserve a happy life. I get you about the karma thing, I had a family member become seriously ill and I believed it was my fault. It's a horrible feeling but you aren't to blame for any other problems in the world.

Thansk for the replies. At times I've just needed another insight - otherwise I worry about my own sanity.

I completely understand the feeling that you want to give me a shake. I recognise that I'm paralysed into in-action. I'm not sure that I'm capable of being loved or loving somebody else properly. I've had this obsessive internal dialogue the entire time that this whole thing has been going on. I've talked myself to the point of going through with ending my marriage to try and get some perspective but I'm always too weak. I put it to DH and I can't bear the reaction, the tears and I let it go and swallow it all down. It's the idea that I could cause all that carnage and he wants to keep trying.

I've never had such a strong internal dialogue as I've had during this period. When I've spent time with OM, it's like a voice has literally been shouting in my head "please don't leave me, please don't let me go". I've had to literally hold myself back from letting it all spill out. So strange.

I know I need to do something, but what? In my mind's eye, making this 'choice' to stay and work it out and sever all contact, even a distant friendship that was me doinging something but I don't seem to be able to get my feelings to catch up with me.

Kitsilano - one thing you said jumped out. I would never want my DD to feel that she was responsible for anything at all that I did. I agree that is too much to put on a child. I couldn't stand her to ever feel like that. Despite feeling it is the 'right' thing to do there is something in me that recognises the atmosphere isn't the healthiest for her and I do really try to keep things nice for her.

Our lives seem so complex from a fiancial/domestic perspective at the moment, I struggle to plan out how I can make any steps to leave DH. OTOH I know that unless something significant changes, there is no real relationship left. We rarely talk. When I was feeling very poorly, I didn't tell him, when blood test came back abnormal I didn't tell him, when the ultrasound scans showed up lumps and irregularities I didn't tell him, he doesn't know I'm at the hospital on Friday, he doesn't know I got a big promotion at work last year (he was down on his luck at the time and I thought he'd think I was rubbing it in). I know it isn't normal.

It's really sad that you can't share any of life's ups and downs with your DH and that says it all really. I know what that's like, it's what my marriage is like but it's not how it should be. If the person you are married to isn't the one you can turn to then it's not much of a marriage.
Wouldn't you be happier on your own? Do you have any RL friends who are divorced? More than half of my friends are and yes financially their lives can be difficult and they have problems with their exes but every single one of them is happier for it. And their kids are too. Children adapt, as long as they are loved. Dont sacrifice your happiness for your DDs.

Come on - you KNOW you all deserve better than this - you, your dh and your dd. It's not a marriage and it's not a family for your daughter. She'll get more and more aware of how dreadful this all is as she gets older.

You clearly have many issues that you need to resolve and maybe the OM isn't the answer to all of them but PLEASE don't waste your life. It is too precious.

PS I know these things are easier said than done. By all means take it one step at a time - but make the end goal your happiness. Your daughter's happiness and security WILL follow from having a mother who has taken control and is at peace with her life. Your husband WILL get over it and move on. These things happen and people not only survive but end up happier than they could have thought possible.

"I know I need to do something, but what? In my mind's eye, making this 'choice' to stay and work it out and sever all contact, even a distant friendship that was me doinging something but I don't seem to be able to get my feelings to catch up with me."

Maybe your feelings aren't catching up with the choice you made to stay and work it out because it's the WRONG choice. Maybe your instincts, your intuition or your sub-conscious, is yelling at you that you are making the wrong choice.

Howdi, love, I can't believe that you haven't told DH about your health scare, your hospital appointment, your promotion last year. Well I can believe it because you are so used to shouldering all the responsibilities of your relationship on your own. But no, it's not normal and it's not right - and it's not fair on either of you, or DD, to carry on like this.

Can any of us on here help you work out how you can balance your work/life responsibilities if you were to leave DH? There are all sorts of people on MN who can help with advice, or where to go for advice.

Thank you so much for the replies. And yes I should get myself into a better frame of mind and work through some of the practicalities of my work/life responsibilities. I'd be frightened to use this username though as I feel people wouldn't want to help someone like me but that in itself would make me feel like a fraud....gah, difficult. Feeling relieved that the health scare was just that - some continued monitoring in the next few months is the result and I feel a weight's been lifted. I worried about what would happen if I got poorly and couldn't work with mine being the only income.

Had a moment of madness/weakness and sent OM a message. I shouldn't have done it even though it was a very very restrained message just to say I'd been thinking about him while his children were abroad and hope he'd managed ok and bet he was thrilled they'd be back with him in the morning. That I missed his friendship and I hoped there would come a time when we would be able to catch up and not throw each other's lives out of balance.

He simply said he felt exactly the same thing, admired the decision that had been made and still thinks I'm doing the right thing. Feels we ought to stay away for the time being. But he said that he still often sees things through my eyes, can imagine my reaction to things and finds it strangely comforting. Feels we have got, for whaetever reason, a 'bond that transcends everything else'. He said he's getting on with things and that life is 'good enough'.

The onus is on me now to stop hiding from the realities and start practically changing my life.

If I can start changing my life you can too :) I think OM sounds like a good sort tbh, he's giving you the space you need.
Be strong and start living.