Truly fed up.

[rabbitheart]

Hello!
Oh dear, sorry to post such a miserable rant but need some impartial advice.

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and trapped right now due to partners lack of job/motivation/money. My p is self employed but rarely has much work. I stay at home and look after our 14 month old son. There are not an abundace of jobs where we live, but there are jobs. My p has not had regular work since the summer when he worked away and earnt a decent wage. However, we rarely saw him due to long working hours.

Before becoming pregnant I worked 60 hour weeks and if I wanted anything I worked damn hard to make sure I could afford it after rent and bills etc were paid. P had a far more relaxed view and I pretty much carried him financially. Once I became pregnant money was a real worry for me, but he promised he'd provide. What a pile of shit.

This man is a great father (well he became one after I went mad at him when ds was about 8 months old and told him I needed more help) but is so incredibly lousy with money it is ridiculous. He doesn't even have a functioning bank account, everything is in my fucking name.

I am constantly stressed and anxious about where the money will come from each month. He usually resorts to selling something, but he's pretty much sold everything he could. When things get really bad I ask to borrow money from my sister, which I find incredibly embarrassing.

We argue constantly about money and I am so fed up I am ready to leave him. Am I being ridiculous? He is wonderful with our ds, but we cannot survive on fucking air.

Oh and found out we are entitled to housing and coucil tax benefit, but it has taken me 6 weeks to convince him it's a good idea, and still waiting on figures from him for forms. He didn't want to claim due to PRIDE!!! I could fucking scream. As far as I'm concerned he can't have much pride left.

Oh and then I get told I'm not supportive enough! WHAT A BLOODY JOKE! Think I know what I need to do.

Oh and get told that all I care about is money! Yeah I do care about it when I don't fucking have any! He does usually manage to get rent etc paid, but the stress leading upto it is unreal. Help!

To make matters worse he spent far too much at christmas. When I asked him for £ earlier to get some food supplies he said he had none. Zilch. Luckily I had a spare tenner tucked away. My mum and sisters are coming down tomorrow and are bringing us supplies. I am so embarrassed. I am living with a bum.

get rid of the cocklodger

find a job for yourself, and put your child with a childminder

you can manage by yourself

or if he is worth keeping in other ways (am digging deep here, but work really is hard to come by at the moment), if you can find work easier than he can, he must be a SAHD whilst you bring home the bacon

somebody has to be practical here, and it looks like it falls to you anyway

personally, I know what I would do

rabbitheart- sorry to hear about the pressures that your family faces. What industry is your husband in? Have you had any discussions about agreeing roles, wiorking as a team? If he could focus on working harder to find more work that it may be more reasonable of him to ask you to help with the administration providing that you have the capacity to do so.

When the chips are down then you need to find real team spirit to pull together. Do you have calm chats with him about the steps that you will take as a team?

cross post with your last one; clearly not good if he has the propensity to overspend.

That sounds incredibly difficult. You have such differing views about money. I too would be very frustrated in your situation.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to get a job.

How do you feel about getting a job and leaving him with the care of DS?

Even if you did that I still think you need to set some ground rules about money. Not sure if you could sit down and do that together, work out a monthly budget and so on, or if you would need some help.

What would happen if you gave him a deadline to find work?

Before you completely right him off, I take not that he has previously responded to you giving him a hard push. Ideally he should be self aware enough to sort himself out; but I wonder whether he he needs to another firm push or a quiet, reasonable chat ir whatever he is most likely to respond to. I just don't have enough facts about him or his circumstances to suggest that dropping him is the first option.

...take note not ......

It's one thing going back to work and having him look after the baby if it was just that it's difficult finding work. The OP's problem is greater than that though. If she goes back to work and he stays at home permanently she's just giving him the message that it's ok to be crap at everything, she will go to work to bail him out.

Would she have to give him housekeeping money and then bail him out when he overspends?

I know what I'd do - go back to work (though not 60 hours) and get childcare. He could see the baby as and when, but I wouldn't rely on him for support.

Thanks for replies.

I have talked about getting a job and him staying at home, but truly I am not sure I would be comfortable doing that. Same with getting a childminder (although no direspect to those that do)

Yes full-time work is hard to come by, but he could have 2 part-time jobs. That's what I did. We live in a beautiful west coast town where most people have 2 jobs to survive. Anything would be better than him sat on his arse playing his fucking guitar. He works in construction but has been a bit of a handyman recently. He is not very pro-active in finding work.

I need to pull my finger out and do some writing and sell it. Graduated over 3 years ago and have done bugger all with journalism degree.

Everytime we discuss money I just get told that he'll sort it. He never comes up with any decent answers. I am expected to just sit tight and wait and see if he comes up with anything. Well I cannot live like this. Why on earth doesn't he want to provide for his family?

tbh it sounds like a deal breaker, he gets a job or moves out.

How about you childminding?

Yes, see whether you can do something to earn a little but he does need his butt kicked; so consider giving him an ultimatum?

Yes I suppose childminding could be an option. Honestly not something I've ever thought about.

I am definitley going to get a weekend job, I've told him that. At least that will help a bit.

I just feel so bloody frustrated and fed up.

However, I know that I am in charge of my own life, so it is upto me to sort it.

Ultimatum sounds good. To be honest I have been ready to walk out for a while now. Wanted to wait for all the festive stuff to be over. It's his Birthday Wednesday, so will have a proper chat with him after that. His family are coming down and don't think that I could face questions from his interfering mother. Best to do it after I think.

rabbitheart - you sound as though you have the drive to take control or atleast do your bit but your DP needs some strong encouragement. How to flick that switch?

And you did not know what he was like before you had a child with him?
While I agree that he should pull his finger out, I think you must take some (only a bit but some all the same) of the blame for this situation upon yourself; in the sense that you must shoulder some responsibility for getting involved with him if you knew in advance what he is like. I think it is dangerous to go down the 'he is entirely to blame' route (this is only justifiable if other half is abusive) If only for your sanity, don't work yourself into a blind rage of hatred towards him where you may do something stupid.
You do sound very, very angry.
If he won't improve, I would think long and hard about breaking up with him.
If you didn't have child, my answer would be to leave. But you do so something must be worked out.
Either he:
a, Gets a job
b, Becomes sahd
c, You leave.
If everything is in 'your name' then it is yours, not his. If he is your dp not dh, then effectively splitting up-once child care/maintenance worked out, should be easy.

marantha speaks sense.

I can feel your frustration, but tbh you knew what he was like, and went ahead and had a child, all the time intending for you to stop working and for him to be the sole provider. Sounds like madness in the circumstances.

Living on the basis of having to sell something each month, or borrow off others is no life at all.

I think you need to consider either working yourself, and handing over childcare to him (and whyever not? He's an equal parent!)

Or both of you work, and use a childminder or nursery (I am guessing you would even qualify for financial help towards this, if you already qualify for HB and council tax help)

Sorry but I think its a cop out to just say you 'don't want to use childcare' - its a fact of life when bills need to be paid. And your ds is 14 months old, so you've already been at home longer than a maternity leave would be.

Also, why can't you fill out the relevant forms for benefits? You said everything is in your name anyway, so why are you waiting for him to get his finger out?

Don't mean to be harsh, but you sound very passive, sitting at home with a toddler, with a partner who can't hold down a job, yet not doing anything proactive to sort the situation out yourself. Apart from anything else, its no way to be raising a child, in such a financial mess - be a good role model and start taking action!

Yes marantha I am angry, but am not about to do something stupid! I would have done it by now if I were going to, ha!

I was in an abusive relationship before meeting my p, so perhaps he seemed even more amazing than he is, I don't know. It was a whirlwind romance, where he was utterly charming and I was completely bowled over. I fully accept responsibility, however he made a promise to look after me and baby and I had no reason to doubt him. He has since gone back on his promise.

rabbitheart - you do need to sit down and talk to him as you have joint responsibility for DC. If that doesn't work then.....but try having a measured discussion first.

Also, try to give him some encouragement about the things that he is doing well at the same time as giving him a kick. Most people respnd better to balanced feedback

I think its rash for either partner to promise that they will totally provide for, and look after, the other partner.

A partnership should be a relationship of equals - not one person being passive and expecting the other to be the 'parent' figure. You are parents to your child, not each other.

Many couples have to rethink the dynamics of a relationship along the way anyway. Work is hard to come by at the moment, and even people who previously had an abundance of work and good money are finding the going tough. Construction as an industry is going through a rough time, and the recent weather can't have helped. I think you owe it to your child to make sure you are both providing for and protecting him rather than thinking about yourself

oh, after your last post I would definitely just get fucking shot of him

lose the dream you had of being lovely SAHM while partner brings home the bacon

you are on your own, and always have been

whirlwind romance?

he made you "promises" ?

I am sorry love but you have settled for a 2/10 abuser after your experiences of being with a higher-ranking one (I will let you grade your ex yourself)

2/10 is still abuse though

you have been sold down the river love, and only you have the necessary paddles

not too late for you...your dc is young, will adapt to childcare when you go back to work

my DH is also in the construction industry and times are hard, I know that, but he would move hell and high water to provide for his family

so sorry x

rabbitheart. I can certainly identify with your situation here; sometimes when a person leaves an abusive relationship, they are so pleased to meet a normal person, they let any flaws pass them by. Did this happen to you?
Perhaps your partner is laid back whereas your previous partner was a control freak?
Are you now discovering that the negative side of his laid- backness is his lack of financial responsibility?
Promises are useless, though, if not followed up. Did you look into his work history?
Probably not as it was a whirlwind romance.
I am not criticising you in a negative way, just trying to make sense of your situation but I feel you have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire albeit in a different way.
You have the advantage of being good with money and hard-working. Which are very positive attributes. I hope you make best of things for yourself.
Good luck.

Yes I knew he was crap with money buy I believed that he would change. He didn't have as much need to work (before I fell pregnant) as I took care of most things financially, he did things at home. I don't think it unreasonable that I would then expect the roles to change once a baby came into the picture. That was what we agreed.

I don't believe that it's a cop out to not want to use childcare. He is my son and I want to bring him up. Idon't want to pay for someone elst to look after him. Also he is still breastfeeding on demand and will continue to until he is ready to stop.

I cannot fill out the forms without his input as we are living together. Whilst my name is on everything else, both names are on the tenancy agreement.

marantha I think that is exactly what happened.

rabbitheart - some valuable insights made by posters above. Good on you for taking stock and thinking of how to deal with it before breakdown